dawnsilverglass

My only New Year's Res. this year is to complete a 100 books in 2012 challenge.  I don't read nearly enough (discounting a copious and unhealthy amount of fanfiction). So I am determined to make this year the year in which I read.  About half of my list are serious novels, and the other half are like.. teen fiction that my aunt sent me years ago that I never got around to reading but will be good to intersperse between the heavier books.. like Faulkner, or Kafka.  So, here goes.  My list of 100 books-- 50 of which I own (a few of which will be re-reads, or re-half reads--ie books I never finished), and 50 of which I will be obtaining via library or Half Price.  But I have all year!  So whoo.  (the italics don't really mean anything.. just my marking if they're in an anthology, or if they're not exactly "serious" reading material).  I'm so excited!  I really really hope I can do this.  And I'm also determined to do NaNoWriMo this year too. It's a year of serious (or perhaps just time-consuming?) commitments.  Or rather, just things that will challenge me to use my time wisely, and better myself-- beyond watching seasons of Stargate, and reading fanfiction.  Hopefully this is a healthy decision and not something that I will reach the end of the year loathing myself for failing.  But I'm excited. So, cheers!

Books I own:

1. Sing You Home – Jodi Picoult
2. The Cowards – Joseph Škvorecký
3. No Exit – Jean-Paul Sartre
4. The Flies – Jean-Paul Sartre
5. Dirty Hands – Jean-Paul Sartre
6. The Respectful Prostitute – Jean-Paul Sartre
7. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf – Edward Albee
8. Cyrano de Bergerac – Edmond Rostand
9. Light in August – William Faulkner
10. The Hamlet – William Faulkner
11. Far From the Maddening Crowd – Thomas Hardy
12. The Help – Kathryn Stockett
13. The Book Thief – Markus Zusak
14. Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
15. The Other Boleyn Girl – Philippa Gregory
16. Complete Stories of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
17. Sophie’s World – Jostein Gaarder
18. Emma – Jane Austen
19. Transmetropitan 5 – Warren Ellis
20. So You Want to be a Wizard – Diana Duane
21. Deep wizardry – Diana Duane
22. High Wizardry – Diana Duane
23. A Wizard Abroad – Diana Duane
24. The Wizard’s Dilemma – Diana Duane
25. A Wizard Alone – Diana Duane
26. Wizard’s Holiday – Diana Duane
27. Inkheart – Cornelia Funke
28. Inkspell – Cornelia Funke
29. The Fire Within – Chris d’Lacey
30. Icefire – Chris d’Lacey
31. Eragon – Christopher Paolini
32. Dragon Rider – Cornelia Funke
33. Sabriel – Garth Nix
34. Lirael – Garth Nix
35. V for Vendetta
36. Fruit’s Basket 1
37. Fruit’s Basket 2
38. Fruit’s Basket 3
39. Fruit’s Basket 4
40. Fruit’s Basket 5
41. Fruit’s Basket 6
42. Fruit’s Basket 7
43. Fruit’s Basket 8
44. Fruit’s Basket 9
45. Fruit’s Basket 10
46. Fruit’s Basket 11
47. Fruit’s Basket 12
48. Fruit’s Basket 13
49. Fruit’s Basket 14
50. Fruit’s Basket 15

Books I don’t own:

1. Will Grayson, Will Grayson – John Green and David Levithan
2. Looking for Alaska – John Green
3. The Fault in Our Stars – John Green
4. The Hunger Games – Suzanne Collins
5. Phédre: A Play – Jean Racine
6. King Oedipus - Sophocles
7. Oedipus at Colonus - Sophocles
8. Antigone – Sophocles
9. The Barber of Seville – Pierre de Beaumarchais
10. The Marriage of Figaro – Pierre de Beaumarchais
11. The Misanthrope – Moliere
12. Tartuffe – Moliere
13. Lysistrata – Aristophanes
14. Women at the Thesmophoria – Aristophanes
15. Assembly Women – Aristophanes
16. The Rover – Aphra Behn
17. The Book of Laughter and Forgetting – Milan Kundera
18. I Served the King of England – Bohumil Hrabal
19. Closely Watched Trains – Bohumil Hrabal
20. Dancing Lessons for the Advanced in Age – Bohumil Hrabal
21. The Little Town Where Time Stood Still – Bohumil Hrabal
22. To the Castle and Back – Václav Havel
23. The Beggar’s Opera – Václav Havel
24. Temptation – Václav Havel
25. Letters to Olga: June 1979-September 1982 – Václav Havel
26. The Garden Party – Václav Havel (The Garden Party and other plays-Václav Havel)
27. The Memorandum – Václav Havel
28. The Increased Difficulty of Concentration – Václav Havel
29. Audience – Václav Havel
30. Unveiling – Václav Havel
31. Protest – Václav Havel
32. Mistake – Václav Havel --- (end)
33. Summer Meditations – Václav Havel
34. Open Letters : selected writings 1965-1990 – Václav Havel
35. Temptation – Václav Havel
36. Tomorrow! – Václav Havel (Czech Plays: modern Czech Drama-Barbara Day)
37. Games – Ivan Klíma
38. Cat on the rails – Joseph Topol
39. Dog and Wolf – Daniela Fischerová --- (end)
40. Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
41. The Castle – Franz Kafka
42. The Trial – Franz Kafka
43. Metamorphosis – Franz Kafka
44. An Ordinary Life – Karel Capek
45. The Engineer of Human Souls – Josef Škvorecký
46. Inkdeath – Cornelia Funke
47. Transmetropolitan 6 – Warren Ellis
48. Transmetropolitan 7 – Warren Ellis
49. Transmetropolitan 8 – Warren Ellis
50. Transmetropolitan 9 – Warren Ellis
51. Transmetropolitan 10 – Warren Ellis

Much love! 
SolaRae

Does my not being in support of an Israeli state make me an anti-semite? I don't harbor any ill will toward the Jews (I completely understand the philosophy of zionism, and the historical series of events which led to the creation of Israel).. however, I feel like the Palestinian side of things is altogether completely ignored by Americans, because our government puts its backing solidly behind Israel.

I feel like we don't hear nearly enough about the atrocities that have been committed against the Palestinians by the Israelis. No war is entirely one-sided.. Palestine doesn't live in a vacuum, they are not just striking out for no reason (at least, not anymore, depending on whether one agrees with their original position against Israel).. Israel has struck back just as strongly and harshly.

Further, I know that this is a childish outlook on it, but quite frankly-- sure, as Newt Gingrich stated, there was no record of a "Palestinian People" before the 50s. But there were people living on that land.. and even if they didn't have one specific identity, they don't have any less right to that land than anyone else. Furthermore-- there was no such thing as an "Israeli People" either! I mean, honestly.

I don't know. I realize that the dissolution of Israel is not an option-- they are a fully established country, etc. etc. But I do hope that soon there can be some kind of a compromise between Palestine and Israel (at the very least, a ceasefire), and hopefully acceptance/recognition of the Israeli state will then occur throughout other Islamic countries in the region that currently reject the idea of "Israel" completely.

I'm so torn. Yuck.

I am so freaking distractible!  Ahh!  So, instead of reading for my 10pg paper due on Wed, yesterday I chose to join nerdfighters.ning, get into an argument about whether being gay is a choice, and find friends on tumblr so I can go to a book signing in Austin in January without being completely alone. 
1. Why am I suddenly acting like a 14 yr old?  I should be past the "making friends on the internet" stage of my life.  I have friends in real life!  What the hell am I doing?
2. I know better than to ever get into a discussion involving religion and homosexuality online, and yet I keep doing it!  What the hell I am thinking, I don't know.
3. I really love finding people online who are kind and smart, but finding the ones who are aggravating as fuck is, unfortunately, so much easier... and keeps putting me off trying. 

Why am I doing this instead of being productive???
Also: quiz!  Haha, what kind of Nerd am I?  (I did a DnD quiz too, so in case you wanted to know, I'm NeutralGood.  This is really important to my future as a human being, while passing my class is, apparently, not).

Okay, sorry I'm a spaz, much love :)
<3 SolaRae

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Social Nerd   You're interested in things such as politics, psychology, child care, and peace. I wouldn't go so far as to call you a hippie, but some of you may be tree-huggers. You're the type of people who are interested in bettering the world. You're possible the least nerdy of them all; unless you participate in other activies that paled your nerdiness compared to your involvement in social activities. Whatever the case, we could still use more of you around. ^_^
Literature Nerd
Musician
Science/Math Nerd
Drama Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Anime Nerd
Artistic Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Er, okay.  Rant is forthcoming.  I promise I'm not as angry about this as I sound (well, maybe subconsciously, but not really) I just really needed to get it off my chest in the most volatile way possible to hopefully expend some negative energy.
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Okay you pretentious, selfish, bipolar bitch.  I am so fucking done with my roommate right now.  She is so incredibly selfish and self centered, and two-faced doesn't even come close to the fucking duality of her personality. 
Around pretty much everyone at the program she's charismatic, excited, and outgoing.  That is a great side to her. 
At home, she spent at least an hour ranting to her dad about her sister who visited (oh, and her fbook status the day her sister left? "__ left today!  Miss her already!" Fucking bullshit!  You fucking yelled at her all the fucking time she was here, bitched at me when she was out of the room, snapped at her, and was generally a raving bitch the whole 10 days.  I don't deal well with people who are so blatantly hypocritical or two-faced.  I can deal with a little bit of a shift of personality depending on who you're dealing with (I myself do that, everyone does--it's natural) but she's taken it to a whole different level.

I mean, for fucks sake, if she drops her camera she literally *wails* like it's the end of the world, contorts her face into this awful thing like she's about to cry, and doesn't relax until she makes sure it turns on again.  She does this even if she does something trivial, like a spoonful of mashed potatoes on her lap or something.  And most people who are generally clumsy, and tend to drop or spill things on themselves, learn not to fucking wave things around willynilly, or slosh their glass of wine around in a circle because you are DOOMED TO SPILL SOMETHING (or drop it or break it or what have you).

And she hasn't done an ounce of work this entire semester, and when she's had like.. 1 midterm and a paper or something, I hear about it all the fucking time.  Yet when I have 2 presentations, a final, and a 6 page paper due next week alone-- I don't go around bitching about it.  I suck it up and buckle down.  So now that finals are coming around for us all, she has--apparently, I can't validate this claim--a shit ton of work to do, that could easily have been avoided had she actually bothered to do anything earlier this semester.  Now, when she bitches at me, I've taken to reminding her that I, too, have a ridiculous work load, and am lacking in sympathy for her poor poor sad procrastinating soul.  I hate that I have become that person, but she is genuinely pissing me off a good 75% of the time now. 

Ah well.
Rant over!
Much love
<3 SolaRae

Depression is problematic.  I haven't been as emotional as I have the past couple of weeks in a very long time.  The last time I remember crying this much was in High School.  Yikes.  I want to say it's been nice, but it's been absolutely dreadful.  I actually had to leave school early on Wednesday because I was so depressed I was making myself nauseous, light headed, and I was physically shaking from the effort of not bursting into tears in class.  It was horrible.  In any case, I've been much better the last 2 nights, but I have been hermiting the last two days, and have literally spent them utterly by myself.  Which has been nice, because when my roommate and her sister came back and I tried to make conversation and Martha more or less completely ignored me it made me remember that I was depressed, so it's probably just as well that I've been mostly alone, because at least alone I can just watch some telly and forget that I hate everything.  I'm letting my social anxiety get the better of me, which is not good, but I can feel this episode passing (which, after at least 3 weeks of pretty serious depression is a great thing) and it should be completely resolved hopefully by Tuesday or Wednesday.

Unfortunately this time I don't think it's iron deficiency related, because I'm not as tired as I was then.  But it very well could be.  Oh well.

Anyway, I hope that I'm correct in thinking that it'll pass soon, but I don't know.  I'm much better when I'm alone, and it's just when I'm with others that I feel the worst.

Much love,
SolaRae

I hate that I'm one of those people who dwells on things-- like conversations in which I get really offended or angry about something, but can't properly convey my point, or my outrage, at that instant.  Instead, I get stuck dwelling on it, thinking about it, and getting re-frustrated about it every time I think about it.  Sometimes for weeks.  Or months.  Ugh.  I really hate that.  Especially because my roommate Martha consistently offends me.  And I do not offend easily.  (honestly, the last time I got as offended as I have been these last few months by some of her remarks was probably... Senior year of HS at prom)

She just makes these really bold blanket statements that make me feel like a piece of shit, and I want to defend insertwhateverhere but I like.. am just so upset/blinded by rage at the time to even say anything at all.  Like, we were casually talking about sports or something (because she's a huge Minnesota Twins fan, baseball; and I'm a huge Packers fan, football).  And randomly she comes out with something like "I fucking hate Wisconsin fans" and something abysmally rude, saying that all Wisconsin fans are pieces of shit because of one incident involving Brett Favre playing a game at the Wisconsin stadium after he switched to the Vikings, and he got injured/booed by the Wisconsin fans. 
Okay, I'm not one to defend unsportsmanlike behaviour, but do NOT fucking insult my state, or my fellow Packers fans.  Fuck you!  1st of all, if you remember, Favre played for the Packers for over 10 years.  She was like "yeah, he made the Packers".  Fuck no.  The Packers made him.  UGH.   Packers fans are loyal, and other teams consistently say that they love to play at Lambeau Field because Packers fans are so welcoming.  They don't pick fights in the streets like other sports teams.  I mean.. grow the fuck up.  Yeah, they're going to boo him.  It happens when the fans feel betrayed.  I just.. get so wound up even thinking about this conversation it makes me want to punch something.  And I hate it because she just is so stubborn and rude with her opinions.

Anyway.  She's also insulted me because when people ask me where I'm from, I say I'm from "Seattle", because saying anything else (Washington-- "Oh, state or DC?"; Redmond-- "Where?"; Sammamish-- "Are you speaking English right now?") prompts follow-up questions which I really don't care to answer.  And she's like "I fucking hate it when people say they're from Minneapolis when they're from the fucking suburbs".  Sorry!  Fuck you!  I'll say I'm from wherever I goddamn well please thank you very much!  I mean if you had to honestly think twice about the answer to that question you wouldn't be so fucking selfish or judgmental.  I'm sorry that when someone asks me where I'm from I literally have 3 options-- Dallas, San Antonio, or Seattle-area.  So fuck you for judging me when I'm trying to pick the least confusing response.  Normally I try to just say "I go to school in SA" in the hopes of cutting the conversation from there, but then there's always the "Oh but where are you from originally?" And then it's "I graduated HS in Seattle".  My life is confusing as fuck.  Sorry I'm a nomad and don't have a particular tie to any one city.
(Also, she went on this major rant on time about how much she hates the suburbs and how they "make her nauseous" because she's from "the city" and can't stomach thinking about houses in neighborhoods of various shades of beige.  I mean, here's the thing.  I fucking hate the suburbs.  But if I knew that the person I was talking to was from somewhere that I hate, I wouldn't dwell on that-- especially not to the point of saying that the kind of place they're from makes them nauseous.  wtf?  I don't necessarily like the fact that that's the environment that I grew up in, and I don't plan on living like that in the future, but please don't just straight up insult me.. )

Also, I swear to God, if one more person/invention/whatever comes up in conversation and her first response is "insertwhatever is from Minnesota!" with this fucking smug as hell look like-- "my state/city is so much better than all the others bahaha"-- I'm going to scream.  I'm all for having pride in where you come from, but seriously.  Shut the fuck up already.  I do not give a shit. 

All I can say is that I really hope that I have never offended anyone the way she offends me, or that if I had I was at least willing and open to hear their response, and maybe backed down a little to understand where they were coming from.  Because there is nothing else that makes me more angry that close mindedness, even if it's about something so little as believing that "Minnesota is the best place to live in the world".  Fucking, grow up, and recognize that there are pros and cons to everywhere, and that you don't have to constantly try to outshine or best other people.  Everyone's entitled to their opinions, but those opinions do not give you the right to feel entitled.

The most infuriating part is that sometimes we'll have some really great times, and then shit goes south and I just want to punch something, or scream.  And I don't know what to do.  Ughhhhh.  I can't even be confrontational, because I literally am just so utterly appalled and flabbergasted at some of the things that she says, and more so at the strength of my negative response that I can't cope.

Sorry for um... the major bitching.  Apparently I needed to get that off my chest. 

Much love!
<3

In a moment of weakness, I was on Tumblr today and found a link to--yet another--sorting hat quiz.  And with the upcoming (hopefully soon?) opening of Pottermore, I feel the need every once in awhile to reinforce the fact that I pretty much could belong anywhere except Slytherin. Ha.  I pretty much straddle the line generally between Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff (though generally the badger wins out) with Gryffindor trailing behind only slightly.  So it really should be interesting when it comes to Pottermore sorting, considering even this test sorted me as a "Ravenpuff"  Hahahaha. 

In any case, sorry I'm 12.
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Your result for The Sorting Hat Test...

Ravenpuff

You scored 61% Order/Chaos, and 51% Moral/Rational

Take The Sorting Hat Test at HelloQuizzy

You know what I hate?  I can't get a sick note for depression.

I am depressed (see: exhausted, unable to concentrate, having trouble with my memory...) , and I suspect severely iron deficient as well (which leads to depression, and all the rest of those symptoms).
As a result, my ability to study/focus/remember anything, is literally nil.  I can read about 10 words, and then have to do something else.  I couldn't read at all last week either because I couldn't focus.  I'm so incredibly irritated and frustrated and everything else as you can imagine.  I just hate it, because I feel like-- if I had a cold, or the flu, or even a sore throat, I could go to the doctor and get a note and be like, 'Hey, I have a legitimate excuse for why I need to turn this assignment in late'.  But what can you do for a mental condition?  Absolutely nothing.  Fucking... I think that my inability to concentrate is completely out of my control at this point, and that it is more serious than having a stuffy nose/cough/whatever else.  But there's nothing I can do about that because it's not an "acceptable" excuse. 

Fuck everything.
Ugh.

<3

They say that culture shock is actually a very long process.  You go through the honeymoon period.  This is said to last about 2-4 weeks. After that is when the culture shock is said to set in.  Why it is called "culture shock" is beyond me.  Shock is something that happens immediately following an incident.  It is not a delayed reaction.  I'm more inclined to the term "culture disenchantment".  Because it is when you finally have seen all the quirks of the culture you're in extended contact with, and you can begin to become frustrated by the differences you find rather than reveling in them.  They say then, that you become tired, maybe get sick, or pretty much exhibit signs of mild to medium depression.  Well, I'm there.  Sitting in beautiful Prague, feeling slightly annoyed that I can't understand any of the conversations around me.  I think that's one of the things I miss the most: eavesdropping.  I find myself, when I'm a little tired or depressed, getting super paranoid anytime a group of people starts laughing in my general vicinity.  Is there something on my face?  Did I tuck my skirt in my underwear, or get toilet paper stuck to my shoe?  What if I have lipstick on my teeth? Or maybe they already pegged me as an American, and know that I can't understand a damn thing they're saying.  I hate not knowing.

I know that's a middle-school mentality--thinking that everyone's eyes and thoughts are constantly on you, judging you, when in fact everyone is equally absorbed in their own selfish worries.  Yet I can't help myself, and I can feel myself losing it.  And what I wouldn't give to have some of the luxuries I'm accustomed to, like drip coffee.  There is no drip coffee in the Czech Republic (and potentially in greater Europe as well), and my soul cries every time I'm forced to order a cappuccino in a restaurant instead.  I'm never drinking a cappuccino again once I'm out of here.  I swear to God. And if I ever move abroad so help me I'm bringing my Mr. Coffee.  Also, free refills.  I will never take that for granted again. Although now that I'm here, I realize what an excessive and slightly disgusting luxury that is.  No wonder everyone in America is obese.  I can go to McDonald's and refill my 32 oz cup of coke thrice before leaving for the low low price of Free (start up costs of course around 3 bucks).  It never occurred to me that elsewhere I would have to pay for every 8-12 oz bottle.  Also, smiling.  I'd give my left big toe to walk into a restaurant where they shouted "Hey!  Sit wherever you like!" with a big smile on their face, Hooter's style.  Granted, we received fair warning on the lower standard of customer service here before coming, but it's taxing to walk into stores and restaurants where you constantly feel like the staff is just radiating anger at you for interrupting their lives (the fact that you are directly contributing to keeping them in business notwithstanding).. I'm finding myself becoming increasingly timid, and withdrawn around people I don't know, which is just a very stressful state to live in.  I'm afraid that this particular change in personality will be difficult to overcome.

Also, while there are a fair number of small parks and courtyards here, they don't really adorn the streets with trees or shrubs, so I feel like I miss green a lot.  Even though TX is hardly known for it, I just really want some open space or.. grass.. or something.  I can't even tell you.  I miss being able to go out on campus in SA with my heart blanket and just pull up a piece of grass for an afternoon nap.  Of course, the fact that we have officially hit winter is hardly an encouraging turn of events.  I'm trying not to dwell on it too much, though I've been told that this could make it worse, or prolong it.  So I'm inclined to try and work through it, although I can't pinpoint exactly what I want, or miss.  That's probably a part of the nature of culture disenchantment that I've forgotten.

Mostly I think it's the Seattle-esque weather that's going to get to me.  It will probably get much colder here than Seattle, but the way it rains here, with a kind of steady certainty, is really bringing back the memories.  And I have forgotten how comforting the constant dampness can be, but also how depressing the grey is.  The architecture here is very fitting for the change in weather though, and I feel that Prague is more Czech now than it has ever been.  I don't know, it just seems so appropriate.  I can just picture the masses, oppressed by the communist regime into being a unified proletariat workforce indistinguishable from one another, as the rain steadily comes down.  It's very fitting with the stoic faces that you see as you walk, and the kind of steady heartbeat of the crowded sidewalks.

Much love,
<3

Just a little something I wrote to post on Tumblr because I am tired of people ragging on my house, and I'm tired of other Hufflepuffs half-assed attempts to defend our house.  Anyway, this is clearly not important.  But I am bored.  I'll post about important things (involving gun violence, etc) tomorrow.  Promise.  But for now, excuse me as a potterout.
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So, I feel like Hufflepuffs get a lot of shit.  And I know that there has been a kind of, underground Hufflepuff revolution going on with people posting rants just like this, about how Hufflepuffs are underappreciated.  How we’re loyal and just (and good finders, too).  And yes, those few traits that we associate with Hufflepuffs are just fine.  But I think that it goes beyond that.

Hufflepuffs have standards too.  This idea, so far as I have ever seen, has gone unrecognized.  We’re not just the default house for people who weren’t brave enough to be Gryffindors, smart enough to be Ravenclaws, or ambitious enough to be Slytherins.  We have our own set of requirements, too. 

People who are judgmental, cocky, or bossy can’t be Hufflepuffs.

People who are petty, greedy, or rude can’t be Hufflepuffs.

People who are conceited, egotistical, or pretentious can’t be Hufflepuffs.

Hufflepuffs can be brave.  It takes a lot of bravery to be true to one’s self above all else, to stand up for those who cannot defend themselves, and to continue to work hard for achievements which may come easier to others.

Hufflepuffs can be intelligent.  It takes a very intelligent person to recognize that there are multiple facets to every person, that one trait should not be valued above all others, and to open one’s mind to all people of different shapes, sizes, colors and creeds.

In any case, I just felt it needed to be said.

-----------
Much love
SolaRae