Daroneasa Lives!

Warning, this post will probably be a bit soggy with self pity.

The past two days were a bit of a headache. Should have been a fun retreat from all the nightmares I'm dealing with at home. Should have been a nice hang-out with Jerrit. We stayed together all through last week, shuffling between my house and his dad's. We didn't fight, it was awesome.
Three days later, I'm back over again. But this past three days is unlike any other in my life. I finally found the courage to do what I knew I had to do, and that is telling my Mom that she can't spend money anymore like she does. It was very hard, because my mom employs a crazy cycle of "I'm absolutely right" or "I'm always wrong and I'm a waste of skin, I want to die" and there is no sane middle ground to be had.

Instead of finishing commissions I owed, I talked her down from several bad plans she had regarding our financial situation. At the same time I let her know that I was looking for a new job, that I would be paying rent (she tried to talk me out of this, but I stuck to my guns.) Why would anyone WANT to pay rent? Simple. If I pay rent, I am no longer just another twenty-something mooch (there are four in the house). I am not expected to hand over most of my paycheck and then be forced to 'ask' for money back when I need it for gas, toll fare, god forbid a video game or something of the like. I am reduced to a teenager as long as I DON'T pay rent. So that's stopping as soon as I start a new job, and I'll be looking very hard this weekend.

And all through this, Jerrit is talking to me and supporting me and I'm really grateful for that, because I've needed someone for a long time who can do that. Most of my friends are just too busy with life. I can understand that. But it's nice to have something else too.

I'm really worried. On Thursday, I was very...upset all day. Couldn't get the stuff with mom off my mind. Couldn't stop thinking about even worse stuff that I WON'T post online in interest of preventing drama. I snapped at Jerrit a little bit off and on. I finally chewed him out over nothing in line at Wal Mart. I apologized, I knew I was fucking up, I just didn't know how to stop I guess. We cooked dinner and the writer-in-residence came out to scream in my face. Over a misunderstanding, ok. But I feel SO unwelcome over there that it isn't even funny. I'm terrified to leave his room without him, walk in the door, etc. I feel like I'm one wrong step and one person's bad mood away from disaster.

So this finally lead to a bit more snippyness while we tried to relax. MOST of the weekend we were calm and friendly. But we had a lot of little arguments going on.

The next day was ninety percent better. I felt ok. We cooked. We joked around. We even socialized with the other people at the house a little, which was nice. Then just when I thought everything was fine we have a really bad argument. Partly my fault for not realizing where certain sore spots are for him. He feels like my mom hates him for where he was born and what he chose to do with his life. Sometimes my mom is teasing and people outside the family don't know it, but sometimes she's also just so determined to share her opinion that she alienates people over trivial crap. Jerrit hit one of my sore spots by comparing me to my mother. I am like her in some ways, sure. I share some of her opinions. Unlike her, though, I can be talked to like an adult and my opinions WILL and DO change over time and I don't think I'm always right. There was a lot of angst and uncomfortable silence, then we just had to agree not to talk about the sore spots.

I was forced to return home this morning to take my family to the employee store where I work. It sucked. They lied to me. They didn't get christmas gifts, they got shit for them mostly. Terry got NOTHING for ANYONE else. And I thought the big deal was that she needed to get presents cheaply. Guess that's what I get for believing them.

I just feel really helpless right now. I love my family. I love Jerrit. I want to be out of this house, but I work a shitty part time job and I have no career. I'm mere hours away from an associate's, but I can't afford the tuition to finish that degree. I'm a year away from a bachelor's.

I'm trapped. All I can do is wait, and hope that everyone involved means what they say. And I know from previous expreience what a tricky subject that is.

Ok, three posts in one week? I know, right? Daro is feeling chatty.

So. First of all, a synopsis of how the next two or three weeks will go. This Friday, there's a beating which I will go to, because it's my last time to get smashed with Silver before he moves. And that'll be a tragic day, because I love Silver even though I haven't gotten to hang out with him like I want to since I moved to Joplin.

On Saturday, Cy is starting up his Antiem game again. I play a (formerly, unless I miss my guess as to how the game will go) lawful good uber-motherly (but male) cleric. I enjoy the game immensely, I enjoy playing Quintus...his inner conflicts are a lot deeper than those of my other favorite characters. Oh sure, Ryni (from David's game) was confused, but he wasn't exactly a deep thinker. He acted before he thought and spent most of his time TRYING to run damage control and just making things so much worse. And hilarious, of course. All my characters are hilarious because they have me voicing them, and I vomit words. This is amusing for people in a casual situation, but in life-threatening scenarios, it leads to quite interesting things. Ursula, from Ryngs' Eberron game, was not at all conflicted about anything. She was an ambitious, brutal, blood thirsty bitch whose biggest internal struggle was.......wait, she didn't have any. She just really wanted to be a dragon and to someday rule the world.

But Quintus, he's got more morality than he knows what to do with. And he loves people. Ryni loved people, but he didn't know what to do about it. Quintus is the kind of character you can't see yourself playing to epic levels because he's going to sacrifice himself eventually trying to save his friends. Or a stranger. Or an enemy. He willingly took a path he knew would likely lead to the unraveling of his belief in the divine in order to save an enemy's soul from eternal damnation. Now he's broken and on Saturday, we're gonna find out how much and in what way he'll reform himself. I can't wait to see where he'll go; just as in writing, I have no idea until I actually get started what a character will do.

On Sunday, there's my game. It's been a month or more since I held it last. Willy moving kinda upset me and then I met Jerrit, so that ate the past five weekends. I'm equally enthusiastic about my game, but I can't say much. I don't want to give anything away.

The following weekend is MFF. My goal is to get finished with the past due commissions I have left by then. It's doable, I just have to stay focused. I need to make money at MFF and I can't, in good conscience, take commissions when I still owe a couple from LAST MFF.

The weekend after that is Thanksgiving break, so I dunno what's gonna happen then but it will likely be spent with my family. Mom gets really whiny when I stay gone every weekend for months at a time.

Speaking of Mom. Problems have suddenly arisen, and I had no idea. You see, four years ago, my mom finally sold our old property for a fair chunk of change. She bought the house in Joplin, she bought new cars for herself an me. We got the life we wanted and have been living well since. Problem is, we've been living beyond our means. And now, suddenly, the money is gone and my mom is on the verge of a breakdown. I can't say I'm surprised. I love mom, but she's done this exact same thing before. I'm not claiming to be great with money or anything. But she's realllly bad. That and my sister, who is autistic and is getting more and more impossible to deal with each passing year, spends mom's money on comic books and toys that she just shoves into her room and never touches or looks at. Something has to give.

That something is me. Right now I have a shitty job, really. I mean, I like it, but it doesn't pay very well and it's a temp job that will likely end in January. So I'm gonna be looking for a new one. And Jerrit has put the idea of getting a CDL and driving truck into my head.

I dunno how plausible that plan is. My night vision is terrible and I can't imagine doing it without someone with me. On the other hand I really do like to drive and go on road trips, I like not having a boss standing over me. I do my best thinking when alone in the car. I know that I could make a lot of money pretty quickly if I got a truck job. That would support Colin long enough to get him through school. It'd keep mom afloat. It'd pay my bills. It might be hard on me with my deteriating joints, but I can't rule it out because it might hurt. Getting up in the morning hurts. Playing with my dog hurts. Cooking dinner hurts. Walking every day all around neighborhoods to campaign for Obama hurt. Cuddling with Jerrit hurts. I do it anyway. I'd rather have a life and hurt than go back to being the way I was, all but comatose and so doped up on vicodin that I couldn't feel, or think, at all.

I need a road map. I need a reliable person with clear vision to sit down with me and help me figure out what to do next, and to stay by me and keep me on track. Egg me on and reassure me when I falter, congratulate me when I'm doing well, kick my ass when I'm fucking up.

We'll see.....

Life for me either crawls or it changes suddenly, abruptly, and completely. I thought the change had already occurred, but I was wrong. The emergence from depression, the break from vicodin, the bubbling creativity, the new relationship....just the start. Let's see if this time around, I can do better than I have. It's time to grow up, and do what no one else in my family can: Take control of the budget, force my brother to get his damn license and finish school, force my mother to stop spoiling my sister and letting her drain us all, and start contributing more than I'm taking.

*deep breath* I can do this.

Sometimes the blister has to pop before it has any hope of healing. Or sometimes it gets infected and gangernous...and then there's just amputation left.

Not to be teenagerish and cryptic. Just a very emotional night for me because one of my closest friends and I are having teh drama. More to come when I know more. I'm not gonna hang my head and whine about how no one loves me. Just...frustrated. And sad. And about to get drunk to escape the breakdown I'm teetering on. These girly feelings make me feel all yucky and estrogeny. Time to watch explosions, shoot whiskey, and draw porn.

Ok. Ok. Now that I've calmed down a little bit, it's safe to post. Before I doubt I could have made any statement with much eloquence or cohesion. I've gotten a good eight hours sleep (would be more if I hadn't promised to help someone out today and if I didn't have to go to work in a few hours), for the first time in a while.

I've worked for the campaign so much. For months. For no money, but now I consider it the best paying job I've ever been in. Yes we can. Yes we did.

Last weekend, I went to see Obama speak. I kidnapped Jerrit and took him with me, since he's a crazy liberal too. Beyond an awesome and fun weekend with the cutest fox I know, I felt we had one last chance to see Obama before he became president, before the secret service ate him up.

His speech was the same one he's given several times a day, every day, for months and months. But his enthusiasm could not be mistaken. I believe that the only way to keep up that kind of performance is to actually believe, whole heartedly, in everything you advocate. If you're lying, you gotta think about it. You'll break down under the exhaustion of an act.

Our country is not out of the woods. Proposition 8 shows us that, as does the measure that forbids gay couples in Arkansas from adopting. A personal sore point for me, since four years ago I worked to help defeat that bill before it ever came to the polls. I believe in majority rule. But I believe in minority rights, and some things just aren't anyone's business. I don't care if ninety percent of humanity is against gays. It has nothing to do with them. As another minority has now been vindicated in their generations-long struggle, so too shall this one. I know my children (adopted most likely, but whatever) or grandchildren will see this pass. They will see a gay man or woman rise to the nation's highest office.
We have hard work ahead. Our nation has been raped and left, crying in a ditch, panties around her ankles, by Bush and his ilk, by the speculators and fat cats. And these traitors (for they are nothing less, and deserve to be put on trial for it) still are around. Defeated for now, but nonetheless lurking, waiting for and eager to take any chance for another quickie with your college tuition, your job, your savings, your healthcare. At least now we have a president who will oppose them, rather than hold the nation down for them.

But despite the dark times ahead, I have so much hope. And I'm a hopeful person naturally, though many of you remark on how dark I can be. I view myself as a realist. I draw sustenance from the light that glimmers in the blackest midnight, hope even if it is hopeless, courage and resolve in the face of overwhelming odds. America, the first step is taken, we've found our leader, and through a living hell we will toil, to bring this world closer to what it should be, for everyone no matter their creed or color, their sexuality or disability, their nationality or religion.

Yes we can. Yes we did. Yes we will.


PS: Dr. Horrible is the shizzy.

Sorry, I meant to be updating all over the past three weeks. The internet is so buggered at my house. It figures that, just as I start to pull out of my depression, start drawing again, and get an AWESOME FRICKIN' COMPUTER (I'll never stop bragging), that I'd have connection problems. :P

Anyway, let's start where we left off. RCFM was absolutely fantastic. It is starting to compete with MFM as my favorite con, probably because a lot of the staff members are the same. While I didn't rake in piles of cash this year (purposefully, really; I have no business taking on a huge number of commissions, so I was pretty picky, for me.) I had a lot more time to actually enjoy myself. Last year I sat in Shiro and Yoken's room a little bit just to socialize while I drew my ass off, but this year I actually got to get to know them and I love them so much! It's funny, Yoken was the one who told me to enter the raffle for the laptop (for those of you who wanna look it up , It's an HP Pavillion dv9000. It has HP Media Center, Quickplay, and a ton of extra goodies Yoken loaded onto it. More on that in the next section of this post)
Oh yeah, and I found a neat Korean cafe across from the hotel and tried it. Cow tongue is surprisingly good and doesn't look nasty at all with the way they slice it. I couldn't find anyone else brave enough to try it though, except Ardenfetz. Me and my food adventures.
I got a big kick out of Likeshine and Angel on Sunday night. They were on crack or something. I know the feeling, I get it too when a con is done. You stay up drawing for hours and hours and hours and finally it's over and you can relax a little bit. I walked down the hall later, to raid the con-suite, and saw Likeshine jump halfway across the hall, sideways. It was brilliant. Then I assaulted her with a loaf of bread and ran away.
I made a lot of great friends. I'd met most of them last year, but hadn't taken the time to really get to know 'em. Malaki was really cool about the fact that I forgot his email last year and so was very late on giving him a badge, and he's also the guy who donated this laptop to the charity. So he's like my new hero. XD


The trip back was even fun. My friends, Ardenfetz and Kartonis, assured me that I was reaping some good karma when I won the laptop. I needed a new computer so bad, I'd been so sick. I don' know if I really deserve it; I feel awful for some of my late commissions. But I'm catching up now, which feels great. I just gotta get the stuff posted, mailed, and emailed. Then I think I'll be taking a nice vacation from commissions until I'm sure my health is under control.
Besides, I miss working on my own things.

With that in mind, I won't be at AC. Gas is too much, Fetz and Karty aren't going, and I just feel like that week would be better served at home, finishing any commissions I'll have left then. But I'll be at MFM for sure, if I have to sell my body. XD

One of the things I love about my new computer is actually just a little program called OneNote. With it, I've done something I could never manage before: organize the copious amount of notes and essays I'd written for my novel, Necessary Evil, and all the other novels I'd planned around it. For years, things sat in jumbled folders. It took ages to find something, if I found it at all. But now, with neat little folders, sections, and pages, I've got everything in front of me so that if I need to go look up what the name of some obscure emperor from 4,000 years ago, I don't spend two hours sifting outdated and nonsensical notes.
You can even publish the pages as a website, sort of like a wiki. When I get the notebook updated enough, I may create a wiki. I have to ask Shai if it's a good idea or not. I kinda want to work on making it a campaign setting for me to run a D20 modern/future game in. I've had several friends express interest ( I assume they're being honest; I know I'm obsessed with Otska and people tend to tell me anything to make me shut up about it sometimes)
Anyway. OneNote. It changes a writer's life. It's also good for organizing the actual book chapters and scenes, since I write in a very chaotic fashion, as scenes come to mind.

The past couple of weeks, I've worked on NE a lot. I ran through and polished the first three chapters, split them into five chapters, added a very small bridge chapter (I think it adds a lot of depth to one of the characters, and makes him more believable.It also clears up some things about two other characters. The POV char in the chapter, Ataskra, really didn't have some good reasons for doing what he does in regards to Daroneasa. Similarly, she has even fewer good reasons for doing what she does to him. I don't want to get rid of their emotional give-and-take, but I want to set it up better. The way it was, I couldn't imagine two supposedly brilliant people agreeing to ally themselves and marry. Especially not Ataskra. He shouldn't be instantly devoted to her, it goes against everything else I've ever written about him. By starting out differently, hopefully, I can more clearly understand the character and how he changes. Mostly, I don't change major things, the way it ends, but I am trying to support it.
Ras needed very little tweaking, I was pleased to find. I left him alone for the most part. Working on the next section will require me to tackle Daroneasa a lot more. She's the least believable of the three main chars.
I also fixed some passive writing I saw in there, and added a sparse bit of description. I used to avoid it because, at one point in my life, I would tend to describe the surroundings too much. Only Dickens could get away with a full page describing the street the character is standing in. I just overcompensated. One type of description remained, though, and that was describing how the characters interacted. I'm not sure if it's excessive now, or if it's something that gives my writing a unique quality. I think I may have a problem if I am constantly looking for new ways to describe how someone glances, glares, looks, sneers, leers, etc at someone else.

I've been seriously thinking about drawing a series of illustrations. I've got some sketched and inked, but I haven't had time to actually color them.


Last night, I got to be in Cy's game (finally, a real game, with a real dm, with real substance)
It was a fabulous prelude. I'm playing a lawful good cleric, which is a departure from the alignments I've played in the past, usually chaotic good or neutral. I didn't think I could pull it off, but after my 13-yr old char managed to stand up to an angry, drunken mob so that his buddies could save the crowd's intended victim, I think I like lawful good. I've been prejudiced against the LG's for too long. I admit, in the past, I let alignment inform the way I played a character's personality. If I saw lawful good, I thought of them as being crusaders, evangelicals, and accordingly played it as "lawful jackass". Because, IRL, I'm of a chaotic bent, the other end of the spectrum was easy. I'm not happy unless I get to defy authority, but playing Quintus helped me realize that defying authority happens to lawful good characters too, especially when that authority is drunk and about to commit an evil act. I'm really looking forward to this game. ^^

wow, long post. Well, I'll be back online soon (hope hope hopefully). Sorry if this clogged up anyone's f-list. XD

I WON A LAPTOP AT RCFM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*flail*


More to follow, I'm still here in Shiro and Yoken's room (half-full of naked gay boys, which I am drawing happily when not working on the laptop, squee)

I love this con, I love everyone, the world is a beautiful place. OMG OMG OMG.

Expect full details after I get done driving home tomorrow. Not that I ever want to leave. :3

I drew some vore. This is NOT SAFE FOR WORK. At all. You must be alone in a dark room to look at this picture.

And Mom, if you find this, uh, don't look. Please. >_<

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Ugh, yesterday the net was down completely. That really threw a kink in things. Ah well.

Today I have a billion things to do, but I can't really do any of it until the mail gets here and I see if there's checks I need to take to the bank. Hopefully there is. I want to go buy a bunch of printer ink, some t-shirts, dvds and labels so that I can make some merchandise for my RCFM table, to make up for the fact that I can't take on a bunch of large commissions, since I still owe about fifteen pieces.

I think I need to post my list of work due, to keep myself on track and allow people to make sure I haven't misplaced their order. I've got two things from FWA last year, but I can't get ahold of the commissioners. I dunno what the deal is. Then I have New Englander's gargoyle commissions to color and send off, he has two from around June of last year and AC. Working on all my AC back-ups (Roo-3K, Corvin Nightfang, a few other smaller inks). But at this rate, I should catch up with my backlog within two weeks, which will lift a huge weight from my shoulders.

I'm worried about my reputation. I fumbled the ball while I was sick. I dunno...seemed the longer I was offline, after the first month-long period, the harder it was to log on. I couldn't stand to be on my computer at all after a time, I was so scared of checking my inbox and seeing people be angry and still not having art for them. How do I save myself from the bad-list? I've never screwed anyone over, not on purpose, and have always made ammends. I've never taken someone's sketch book and not drawn in it or returned it, and with a few exceptions in cases where I can't find someone, I've never taken longer than a year, which is what I have on my commission sheets people fill out. I suppose I could just be a jerk, but I know how it is, I commission people too and I've been screwed over before. I understand the fears.

Similarly, I know of many high-profile artists who have bilked countless people, get reported on websites, and yet still are not only taking more commissions but are doing a booming business. I used to think their new customers must just not know, but no, usually they do. What is that about?
I have no doubt that they never meant to, but the bi-polar personality of most artists ( I am no exception to that), makes them unpredictable, and if the inspiration isn't there, it isn't there I guess. But I dunno, knowing someone gave me their hard earned money inspires me most of the time.

*sigh* I wish I could find some peace about the subject, but I've fretted for months while paralyzed by pain, physical and mental. I hate for anyone to think badly of me, which is why I'm working as hard as I can now, hoping I can fix things. But people will still be mad, some of them, and resentful that it took so long, no matter what my reasons are.


Anyway. Art.


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Here's some more art. :3
Man my back and hips hurt from drawing all day. Tomorrow is gonna be super busy, I have a thousand erands to run, and a million prints to print, and signs, and aaargghhhh, con crazies! @_@





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Got to buy a new scanner today. I feel pretty accomplished, I got a lot of work done today, even though I had to meet with my insurance adjuster over the hail damage my car had. Did I tell you guys about the tornado? If you saw on tv where the one hit Pitcher, OK, last week and killed seven people ther, and then went into Missouri and killed 15 more....that tornado went right by my house. I had no power for a few days, but it's a small price. I looked out and saw the thing, it was so huge. Tornados do not sound like trains, they sound like a big pile of hellwind. And I knew how bad it was when my family didn't think much had happened (the weather channel never told us that a mile-wide tornado was carving an eighty mile long path right in our direction.)
So much devastation. I took pictures, I'll upload them and share soon. O.o

I remember now why I hated spring as a child.


Anyway.
Here's teh stuff I've worked on over the past few months. <3


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