Cookin

I’ve been really into cooking lately, particularly Lebanese food. Made a great shawarma and tzatziki from scratch a couple times, tonight I tried my hand at kefta with a roasted garlic and paprika sauce.

idk where this dude that I am today came from. I’m not having an existential crisis or anything, just somewhat perplexed at how I became this guy who enjoys mowing his lawn, snuggling his kids, and cooking meals from scratch.

Looking back five years ago now, I was coming back from a two week vacation —  mid pandemic —  to Buffalo to meet my then-friend of 20 years, now wife of four. Somewhere in there I resolved to get out of the rut i had dug for myself, but I’m not sure there was any clear plan or goal. I knew, in September, that I would quit my job that December and move out of my home country.

My wife and I never got together with the specific intention of children, they just happened. Our life just…happened, and we happened with it, wholly, holistically. She had initially wanted to move to Washington state to be closer to me, but her parents got sick, and I decided to come here.

It’s odd, thinking of the paths that lead to your personal heaven or hell, and how much agency you really have. You can, at any time, say “I’ve had enough of this,” and do something different. I spent a long period of my life denying that, denying my responsibility in my own circumstances and perspectives.

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It's been a weird year

Not just with the world, but my self
Like a reawakening to who I once was
To the young man I used to like
To the guy who used to fall

Everything else is strange
But we've come so far, so fast
I guess I'm still here
Found myself once again

I hope everyone is well
I think I am

Way Back When

I bought a pack of like 100 batteries for like $5 back in like, May, or something. I thought, "no way will I need all of these batteries," as less and less tech seems to require AAs.
Today, I was smoking a joint with my 73 year old French Canadian neighbour, and she wanted to show me a Christmas gift her friend had made her. She brought it out, and turned it on, but it didn't work. I asked, excitedly, if the batteries were dead. She said I think so, I said hold on, I've got some. I sprinted up the stairs to my apartment, ripped open the drawer, stuck in my empty hand, and pulled out a fist empowered with a dozen batteries. I skipped stairs on the way back down, and threw the pack at her. "BEHOLD," said I, "THE POWER OF INFINIITTTYYYYYYYYYY." Okay, I didn't say that part, but I did give her the batteries, and she couldn't open the pack, and so I helped her with that, too. She put the batteries in, but it -still- didn't work, so I had a look, and the batteries were just put in the wrong way. And had been with the original batteries, too.


I don't know why I'm telling this story, it's not very interesting. Just a slice of life, I guess. Honestly, I'm just happy I got to foist some of my batteries off on someone.
  • Current Mood
    Charged

Well, I haven't had an existential crisis in a while, so here it goes, I guess.

No, but actually, I am doing pretty okay. I feel really in touch with my emotions and needs, and am focusing on better expressing and addressing them. I'm also pretty stoned, but whatever.

Today I bought some flowers, and I adore watering them. Tomorrow, gonna go buy a watering can. Soon I will turn 36, and I'll go to a family reunion, which is a weird thing to think of. I don't remember how old I was last time I went to one.

It feels strange to talk about myself like this.

So, how are you?
  • Current Music
    Red House Painters - Void

(no subject)

More and more I realize I don't know what other people think of me. I'm not sure if it even matters, honestly, but I just... I looked at myself in the mirror, and wondered what I would think of myself if I had to meet me. Would I even understand myself?

Fuck.

On evenings

I rather enjoy the evening. I think... I'm much more of an evening person, than a morning person. Still, I've been trying to be, more, you know, morning oriented. But, well, I've already sidetracked myself.

Evenings. Shit, fuck, I forgot what I was gonna write, here. Well, it's just an excuse to write, I guess. I made a stew, and I'm spending the holidays with my roommates. Sad, I guess, by some people's standards, but it's what I want to do, and it's who I want to do it with. For now, anyway.

I have no regrets, going forward. Life is, as they say, life, and there's only so much control you have over everything. I look forward to the next year.

What an interesting year it will be.

Today, an update!

I don't post much about myself on more, uh, public social media. I suppose it's because I feel it's more... public, y'know? I dunno. But, I don't think anyone really reads what I put here, anyway, with a few noted exceptions. Not that I'm complaining, it's... easier for me to talk, this way. Heck, I'll even leave this one public, just for the fuck of it.

Anyway, to the news!

So, this last week I was over on the island, visiting my daughter. She just turned four today, and oh my gosh is she precocious. She questions everything, asks for more, and is quick to learn. She says her pleases and thank yous(after an easy reminder), and loves, LOVES, to build. I helped her build three forts in three days. Maybe she'll wanna be an engineer?

Nah, she can be whatever the hell she wants. She does ballet, she loves animals, and has a sweet tooth that knows no bounds. She's reluctant to eat, sometimes, but will do so when instructed(even more so if you spoon feed her lazy butt). She's a treat, and I love the hell out of her.

Which is why it's so hard when I have to go home.

Things are still, well, weird between me and her mom. I know there's nothing, y'know, malicious or spiteful there, but I still feel that awkwardness. I feel very much like I am being judged and frowned upon, even when I am doing my best, and being successful at it. It is very... exhausting. Still, she is a good person, my daughter's mother, and she is strong and strong willed. I could ask for nobody better to bear the burden of parenthood, especially when I am so.. flawed.

However, I am learning, and becoming better at, well, myself. Laundry doesn't stack up, I cook more, I buy less garbage, I am almost completely paid off of my debts, and, shit, I feel better.

But there's still a long way to go, and all I can do is... keep trying, keep learning.

Well. To tomorrow, then.