My journal, from now on, will be friends only. I'm sure you all know why. I don't need my ex-fiance coming in here and reading my life should he want to. Anyone who wants to talk to me or read my journal, leave a comment to this and I'll consider adding you. Thank you.
-Zalika
Well, I suppose everyone wants to hear about my college orientation (yah right), so it's time for a less bitchy post.
Hmm, where do I start? There isn't much to say about the journey to and from Ohio. I am not a good traveller. I can't sit still for one minute let alone however long it took. We had a lot of delays. That did not make me a happy Zalika. We got in very late, but at least we didn't crash or something bad. Everything pretty much went smoothly. I couldn't sleep at all on the way there so I worked on my blanket or read Cell. My mom talked my ear off once she calmed down a bit after leaving, but I only paid half attention. Of course, the conversations were about her job and co-workers. _-_ She didn't get any sleep either, but that's not my problem. Once we got in, we got lost finding the campus for about twenty minutes. Also, it was FREEZING COLD! I shivered the whole time. After asking for directions we made it, way too late, and by the time we got to bed at the hotel, we only had a few hours to sleep. I barely slept because my mind was racing, I was worried sick, and the bed was more uncomfortable than the type you'd find in a county jail cell. By the time I fell asleep in was almost 6:00 am, and I woke back up at around 6:15 am, so I could have only gotten about fifteen minutes of sleep. I hate anxieties. I stayed in bed and stared at the ceiling with tears in my eyes until I heard my mom get up, a little before 7:00 am, and got my tired and by now, physically ill, body out of bed.
By physically ill I mean having no sleep for way too many hours. I don't know how many hours I had been awake excluding that fifteen minutes. I had a throbbing headache, pressure in my ears (they popped a billion times), very bad nausea, bags under my eyes, sore legs from not moving, a limp from hurting my knee sometime in the past week, a sore neck and back from the bed, and I was overtired. I didn't think I'd be able to get through the day.
I was getting dressed and realised I had forgotten the shirt I was going to wear for Friday, so I had to re-wear the one from Thursday. _-_ I felt filthy the whole day, even though I hadn't been sweating or anything. My mom took a shower and way too long to get ready; I hadn't eaten anything and I didn't think I could. I actually thought for the majority of the day that sooner or later I was keel over and hurl. And I was so nervous I could feel it getting worse. I was not looking forward to this, at all. So I dragged myself around until we would go to the campus for a continental picnic breakfast thing. Fun.
When we got there, there had to be around 200 or 300 people, half of which were probably parents. For the most part they didn't notice us; all the freshmen had paranoid looks on their faces. If they looked afraid, I can't imagine how I was looking. I kept my head down, with my tired heart racing, and we walked through a crowd to get to the building. We picked up some things with my name on it and went back outside. All they had at the breakfast stand was coffee, tea, and doughnuts. I usually love doughnuts but these were terrible. I wanted to puke even more after forcing one down my throat. Also, I am not a breakfast eater. We sat on a curb to eat. I looked over some stuff that the man in the building had given us. One thing in the bag was a name tag that I had to put on my shirt. It had my major on it, an orange star sticker, and a red dot. I put it on but hid it under my zip-up sweater.
My mom and I had separate schedules for the day. She had financial stuff to take care of and I had the actual orientation. Some of our stuff would be together, but not much. At 8:45 am we had the opening session, which was in the college theatre. Lots of people crowded in there. I felt myself panicking, and at this point the nausea was at its peek. I kept telling myself to calm down, but it didn't work. I don't know how I made it through that session, with all those people around me, without having to get up and leave. I sat there while the president man (forgot his name) talked and welcomed us to the college, along with some other things, fanning myself with an envelope. I paid only half-attention as I tried to control my fears and illness. I think my mom noticed that something was wrong with me, but she said and did nothing. I didn't care; I didn't need people to see her looking at me. Up until this point I hadn't said a damn word. I didn't plan on saying anymore than necessary, either.
After his speech was over, he told us we'd be dismissed into groups according to the colour of our nametag stars. I panicked; I did NOT want to be in a group. At this point my breathing rate got super fast and I started looking as scared as I was. My mom told me to calm down, but I couldn't. My star was orange, so I eventually had to leave with the orange star group. They didn't all have my major. Nobody paid attention to me for the most part. I didn't look at anyone's face as we walked outside, but glanced at some nametags. There were two other people in my group with my major. We went over to a curb and the person leading the group--an upperclassman--told us to just stand there while he went to check something. The other person was a junior I think, and she started asking people things. I listened by I kept my head down. People started telling her where they were from, what their major was, who they were... I heard a girl say she was from Canada so I looked over. I feel bad for looking over; everyone had their eyes on her. Of course raising my eyes was my huge mistake--for at that moment the junior girl asked me where I was from. I shyly answered where I was from, including the city; I felt all eyes on me and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest from all the fear. I said what my major was, and then looked up at her. I wanted to speak clearly with a minimal accent but that didn't happen. I couldn't look into her eyes. I had my cap on and my sunglasses, so I it was easier. She probably couldn't see my eyes. At that point I was VERY glad to have brought my baseball cap and sunglasses. After what seemed like an eternity (an eternity of twenty seconds, I mean) she moved onto the next person. My eyes fell back to the concrete. I wanted to sob but I couldn't. I could still feel eyes. I don't like it when eyes are on me, or even in my direction. My breathing was fast but it wasn't loud or anything.
Sooner or later the other guy came back and took us on a small tour to the dorm rooms. I am not happy with dorms. They aren't very appealing to the eye, and the bathroom situation has me freaked out. I silently prayed that I could get a single room. They have very, very few single rooms. I was at the front of the group but I said nothing. After the dorms they took us to another building, where I had my modern language testing. That was fairly easy; could have done better if I had had proper sleep. After that the group came back together and we went to the sports centre. Inside was a huge track and a lot of things set up on it.
First was pictures for photo IDs. I HATE getting my picture taken. I know when my turn came that I looked stoned. The bags under my eyes would be enough to say it. I don't even remember if I smiled or not--most likely I glared at the camera. Afterwards some woman took me to my academic advisor. He seemed very nice, and I wasn't too intimidated after talking a bit. He could tell I was terrified. There was another person around my age there. He didn't say anything to me at first. I didn't know if he was a student or a worker, but I soon learned that he was another student in the forensic biology major from my group.
Anyways, the man gave me a tiny folder with some papers in it. For one I had to make sure my information on my legal address was correct, and at the bottom he asked me to fill in my religious preference. He said this was to help the people who have never been here find religious groups around town, if they have one. I wrote down Kemeticism but he didn't say anything. I know there would never be a Kemetic temple in a town like this. It's ALL fields here. (This road we travelled down to get here reminded me of the East 9 from Jeepers Creepers...Long, boring, all corn or wheat fields, and very few cars). Anyways, after that we stuck the paper in the folder. At this point I hadn't said a word to him or the other person. Next we signed a computer agreement form, pretty much to swear we'd never do anything inappropriate on or to the school computers. Fine, I'll only use my own anyways. I'm not going to sit and write my porn scenes on them! :D
Next came scheduling. The man gave me and the other person our basic schedule breakdown for the first trimester. He said we'd be in Biostatistics, Introduction to Criminal Justice, General Biology, an orientation class, and an something else that could fit. There was a whole list of things, and at first I was going to do Music 100, but due to timing I had to pick Western Civilization. No forensics classes yet. :\ But this is only first trimester, so that's ok. I don't think he understood me well when I finally did talk. Anyways, we filled in a blue sheet with our classes, then he gave us laptops to register for them online. He had to help me because I couldn't figure it out, but after that I got my schedule. It's this:
MONDAY- 10 am - 10:50 am - STAT 156 (Biostatistics)
12 pm - 12:50 pm - PLSC 121 (Intro. Criminal Justice)
3 pm - 3:50 pm - BIOL 121 (General Biology)
5 pm - 6:50 pm - HIST 110 (Western Civilization)
TUESDAY- 10:00 - 10:50 - STAT 156
12:00 - 12:50 - PLSC 121
1:00 - 1:50 - BIOL 195 (I think this is my orientation class.)
3:00 - 3:50 HIST 110
WEDNESDAY- 10:00 - 10:50 - STAT 156
2:00 - 3:50 - BIOL 121
5:00 - 6:50 HIST 110
THURSDAY- 12:00 - 12:50 - PLSC 121
3:00 - 3:50 - BIOL 121
FRIDAY- 10:00 - 10:50 - STAT 156
12:00 - 12:50 - PLSC 121
3:00 - 3:50 - BIOL 121
Hopefully I have all that correct. -.- The man also said that I'll be here a very long time if I double major in pre-med. I hope he doesn't mean over four years. I am NOT looking forward to that, due to money and time. Unless James comes here, it's going to suck.
After that we had to go sit in the bleachers and wait for the others in our group to be done. I sat in the back corner and then....uh-oh.....
That kid that was sitting next to me back at the scheduling area came and sat right next to me. My heart sped up again, and I glanced over slightly.
He said hello, I said hello, and he said his name was Marko. I gave him my name, warned him not to call me anything BUT Zalika, and he asked to see my schedule. Apparently our schedules are exactly the same. He seemed nice so I calmed down....a little. -.- Seems like he had every intent to make friends with me that day. He talked very little at first; I guess he noticed how nervous I was. He said he was nervous and told me I'd do fine here. Pfft, we'll see. I didn't say that, though. At least he didn't pester me with a billion questions. He also said he's the computer type, so that's good. At least we have something in common so far, if he intends to befriend me.
Next we all went in some room while they talked about the Greek stuff. I am NOT interested in joining Greek stuff after watching an certain episode of FBI Files. Marko watches that, Forensic Files, and House! ^-^ That's a good thing, so he wasn't oblivious when I brought it up. He isn't going to do Greek stuff, either. So later I saw him scribbling on the Greek paper we got.
Next was lunch...He asked me to sit with him so I said ok, since I hate sitting alone in cafeterias. I ate a piece of pizza and took three napkins to dab the grease. >_< I think he thought I was crazy. -_- Soon my mom came and sat down...I introduced her to Marko and for the most part just ate silently. Actually after I was done some other people sat at the table with us. I started panicking again, silently. One of them was some Asian kid from some other major that Marko knew who was very, very strange. I have to say he scared me. I think his name was Bobby but I'm not sure. He also has some gay tendencies. I don't mind that but jeez, he was verrrrrry strange. After I ate I had to use the bathroom and went to find one, but got lost coming back. That was embarrassing. -.- Marko wanted my instant messenger so I gave it to him. I'm kind of hoping he doesn't talk to me...I just don't want to elaborate on who and what I really am should he ask me. I'm sure I'd scare him off just like I have almost every other person, or bore him to death...
After that was another speaker in the ball room. I kept dozing off, but at least this time I could sit next to my mom. She kept falling asleep too. That took too long...I didn't pay much attention. Afterwards she had to stay so I went to the bookstore. I didn't have money for textbooks since we don't have our loan yet, but I looked around. Marko started talking to me again, and his friend Bobby tagged along. Another skinny girl was talking to us. I forgot her name, but she's also of a different major. I barely said a word the whole time...Just listened and tried to calm my breathing rate down. Also started hearing the voices...NOT good. But eventually we had to go listen to yet another speech. This one I did NOT like.
This speech was about dating relationships. Wtf is that doing in a college orientation? This guy supposedly had something to do with the movie Hitch, which I have never seen or even heard of. His name was Dave something or other. He kept saying what a healthy relationship is, how to deal with long distance (numerous times he said they rarely work out, that they suck, and all kinds of bad things that made me mad), how to get out of abusive relationships, what a TRUE friend is, blah blah blah. I was not a happy Zalika when I left that. I then said goodbye to Marko and his crazy friend. I found my mom back in the ball room and I had her ask a lady some questions that we had written down. I was too nervous to ask her myself. I don't know how many times she told me to stop being such a pain in the ass about asking people. Well, too bad. I'm not going to.
We cleared up something about the parent loan that my mom and I applied online for. She can cancel it and we can find something better. *sighs* And then we went downstairs to get ready to leave. They had laptops so we could sign up early for dorms. I had to write a note to the people on the desk, since they didn't have an option for it on the computer, that I need a single room ONLY due to my social anxiety. She said they'd call me Monday or Tuesday. Joy, phones. But if I have to elaborate by stuttering I will. Gods, I am so worried about this.
After that we left...back to the shitty car and to get dinner. She ate at McDonalds and I made her order me something from Denny's. I'm not a fast food person but it was tolerable. It was freezing cold out by the time we left Denny's. We went back to the hotel but I didn't sleep. On the way home, reality started to set in but again, on and off sleeping. Didn't sleep at all on the way home, so when we DID get home, I took a shower and crashed until 1 pm. Gods, I'm still exhausted. I'm so worried about James--he said sometime last month that he was going away for two weeks with a buddy or something, so maybe THAT'S where he's been for so long. But still, I'm worried. I thought he said around the 14th, though. *sighs* I have the pessimism setting in again.
I wonder if anyone has any suggestions on how I can meditate. I can't very well because of my ADD. I can't concentrate or sit still, and I really feel like it's time to start meditating. Meh.
I don't have to apply for an on-campus job until 1 August. I am hoping that I can be a security guard. No having to deal with people unless they cause trouble. XD But I don't know if females can be guards, so meh. We'll see how THAT goes. -.-
I should probably go back to sleep...I'm drained. -.- I forgot what else I was going to talk about. So fuck it for later.
-Zalika
exhaustedOkay, I just wanted to apologise for not being online much for three days. I've had my computer on as usual but it's been idling, therefore people probably think I'm ignoring them. -.- I've just been away, either worrying my guts out about something or other or else getting ready for this Friday, which I am NOT looking forward to. We're leaving very, very early on Thursday, doing the orientation on Friday, and coming home on Saturday. Fun. *rolls eyes* This is going to be traumatic. I just know it.
Oh, and have I ever mentioned that I really, really, REALLY hate kids? Gods, sometimes I wish they'd all just evaporate or throw themselves into a pit of molten rock. Yes, the super pro-life advocate hates children, LOL. Kind of odd, eh? I'll elaborate later if I feel like it. I need sleep, I haven't sleep in over 24 hours again. -.-
Two days without talking to james. I LOVE being a priority. He's going to get it. No more being nice. I'm SICK of being nice.
-Zalika
Okay, I need something to cover up that last pathetic entry so I have to ask--does anyone know how to open a .bin file? I downloaded a game of Shareaza and it won't open. Stupid thing... -.-
Oh, and what's the deal with all these stupid fangirls turning General Grievous/Qymaen jai Sheelal into a woman? Gods, it's scary--I saw someone do that on an art site I frequent and they had him drawn in a dress, and another time with boob armour on his cyborg form. O__O The other drawings were wonderful, but jeez, those two were SCARY.
-Zalika
pessimisticWow, I am being a major pessimist today. Actually, I have been for the past decade so what else is new? The issues from my last entry are still eating away at me. So, what's today's bitching going to be about? Well, read on.
For one, I am VERY upset about these loans. On 30 June we FINALLY found a loan that was only 6.5% APR, so we applied. I needed a co-borrower since I have no credit history, I'm unemployed, and some other thing I can't remember. I couldn't use my mother because of one, they denied her due to her atrocious credit history, and two, there would have been this huge fee to go along with it because of that. So, my grandmother got online and I asked her if she'd be my co-borrower. She has excellent credit and the free thing would have been only 2%.
THEN after reading the damn thing, she backed out on me. I have no other people to turn to for a co-borrower. I also can't come up with a reference. The reference has to be a relative, friend, or spouse NOT living with you. My relatives hate me, I have no friends, and I'm not married. So what the fuck am I supposed to do for that? My mom and grandmother wouldn't help, either. And my grandfather refuses to be my co-borrower, even though he has better credit than anyone alive.
Basically, I'm stuck in a pit. AND we blew our chance of getting a loan below 8.0% APR, because as of 1 July, that's what they all shot up to. *sighs* Even if I CAN find a good one, I don't have anyone to help me!
Second, I am sick of looking for tutorials on DeviantArt for things, and NEVER finding what I need. I looked up one for drawing realistic lava today and found nothing good. So I found some pictures of real volcanoes erupting and am on my own. And I don't have anything with my art program to explain to me how to use it other than what I all ready know, because I'm a cheap bastard who downloaded it, so I'm lost.
Third, it's my mother again. Today I woke up late again....Grrrr! I went into the living room and she had the television on (and the air conditioner on full blast). She was watching something about some religious man who she said inspired her to give her life to God or something. -______- Then she preceded to tell me the story of how, and expected me to believe it.
Basically she went to some huge outdoor thing (forgot what she called it) and was listening to him preach some years before I was born with an old friend of hers. He moved her so much that she wanted to go down from the very back seats to be blessed or...something. She also said she heard the voice of God and Satan, one telling her to go down and be blessed and the other telling her not to. She said God forcefully made her go.
I told her I didn't believe her. She said, "But you have to believe me. You hear voices!"
Yah, I hear the Machine's voice. And that is a part of ME--the abomination known as my dark half--a whole different personality. I don't hear things I don't believe in; I have a MENTAL DISORDER. Basically I told her that she was hallucinating.
I'm so sick of her trying to shove her stupid religion down my throat. She sits there and tells me that she accepts the fact that I am Kemetic, but goes against that acceptance and pushes God on me all the time. She was talking about some healing mass thing at the church, and indirectly was hinting that she wanted me to go. I told her I didn't feel like being violated and she shut up. I went in my room and slammed the door and prayed to MY deities to give me the strength to deal with her. I feel a bit better, but damn, she needs to learn her place when it comes to religion AND debating things. (see last entry) -________________- I don't sit there and shove my beliefs down her throat so she shouldn't do it to me.
I think deep down she really has herself convinced that I believe in her God. She KNOWS I'm too scientific and I even have doubts about my own religion at times, and she STILL won't leave me alone. I wish I knew how to just get her off my case about it.
I told Daj this at the shop today. Thankfully he agreed with me. -.-
I'm also still worried about my relationship with my fiance. Last night he came on and talked to me, and I got this horrible sinking feeling inside me like something bad is going to happen. I hate that feeling. I can't identify it's cause yet though, and hopefully it's an irrational worry that does NOT have to do with us. It does not help that I feel the other half of me slowly taking over again. I don't feel like I can talk to James about my problems anymore, because it's giving me the feeling I shouldn't, and because I worry that I'm bothering him. I also feel like I'm being extremely selfish whenever I talk about my problems.
I can feel that other part of me eating away at the flesh that I thought was growing back. It hurts, it burns, I want it to stop. It's tainting my blood with oil and turning my bones to steel. I'm losing the better of my emotions. I don't smile much anymore. It hurts. I want him to notice but I refuse to ask for help.
He FELL ASLEEP talking to me last night. I know it was like 3 am there, but gods, that's so rude. I was tired from running on only a few hours of sleep but I've NEVER fallen asleep talking to him. I still don't feel important to him, despite how good he treats me for the most part. I always feel like some outside threat is trying to take him away from me, too. I'm afraid of losing him and all this other crap. I should stop whining. The darkness tells me to suck it up and stop whining.
Gods, make it stop! >_<
Here, there was supposed to be a part of this entry that I chickened out on posting, because I'm embarrassed and I don't think it's appropriate. ;_;
I wish he'd come online. I'm tired of feeling like this all the time.
Anyways, I suppose I'll go shower and then work on some art. -.- Fun...
-Zalika
Okay, I will start out by saying that I am NOT a happy person right now. This certainly was not my day. -_-
For one, I don't think I'll be getting a car for my first year of college. This wouldn't be such a big deal to me but how would I go around and buy little necessities? I'm NOT going to take a city bus like my mother said (also, this town that I am going to is all fields and in the middle of nowhere--they won't even have city buses there) because they are expensive and I don't really feel like getting mugged. I was talking to my grandma about it today and she said maybe for junior year--JUNIOR year? That's my third year! >_< Gods, I think that these idiots think that every town on the planet is like our in-town area--Just go walk around and buy what you need so conveniently! Well, uhh, no. What, I am going to do, push a shopping cart five or more miles like a homeless person? And I doubt a minimum wage job is going to get me a decent car, IF I get a job, which probably won't happen.
Second, last night I got in another bicker with my mother over my anxieties. When she came home she called my grandma who asked if I wanted to go shopping for some clothes today while some store at the mall in the city was having a huge sale. I never said I wanted to, and obviously I didn't, because my clothes are fine and I HATE it when people spend money on me. Anyways, she went and told my spendthrift grandmother that I wanted to without even asking me. That had me pissed off when she told me she'd pick me up at 11 am. I remember saying that I didn't want to, didn't say I wanted to, and had BETTER things to do for the day. (A lie, but still....) Then she preceded to ask me a billion questions about WHY I didn't want to go, and I told her because I hate malls, I can't stand being in public, blah, blah, blah about the same shit we always go through.
Then she started the, "You need to get over this!" bullshit. I blew up on her without even raising my voice. I told her that for as long as I can remember I have been TRYING to get over my people-fear, that it's not something I can snap my fingers to and POOF!, it'll go away. She tried giving me the excuse that she was shy in school. Well, being shy and being paranoid are two different things. She didn't listen. I said that no matter how hard I tried, it never worked, that I always felt the fear and the possibility of rejection (because my whole life I have been rejected). She told me I need to keep trying, and that I give up on everything too fast.
TOO FAST? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET THE FUCK OVER IT SINCE I STARTED KINDERGARTEN! Everyone in kindergarten hated me. I used to cry at the school because of it for the first two years. She doesn't care, she never has, she never will. She will NOT take responsibility for it, because we all know she never does any wrong. -.- She started pestering me with the, "How are you going to do your career if you can't talk to people?" I didn't say that I have no fucking clue. I told her that testifying in a court and talking one-on-one to someone are two completely different experiences for me. That went in one ear and out the other as well, as James would say. I cannot talk to people one-on-one in person and feel comfortable no matter WHO they are. To be bold I must be provoked, and people aren't going to sit there and intentionally do that. I have problems online, as you all know. It's not going to change! She doesn't listen. I told her to fucking listen. She won't.
So I changed from one fear to the next, to try and make her see what I meant. I used my fear of vomiting. I said, "You know I'm afraid of vomiting, that I faint and hyperventilate every time I have to. And it's not just when I have to--if I see someone else vomit I have a panic attack as well. So, if I make myself vomit every day for the next twenty years I'm going to eventually get over the fear?"
Know what her answer was? "Nobody likes to vomit."
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS ABOUT LIKING IT OR NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!! *pulls out hair, screams, throws shit, turnsallschizophrenicandgoesonahomicidal
Okay, sorry. o_o
But gods, no, nobody in their right mind LIKES to vomit. But there is a difference between not liking something and being terrified of it. I said that I DON'T LIKE the air conditioner (which was so conveniently on in the living room on full blast) and that in fact I HATE the damn thing, but I don't FEAR it. -.- She still didn't get it. I sat there bickering with her about this for over an hour, throwing some little metaphors in there that she thought I was being serious with. Honestly, I used the one where if you fall in a pit you have to get yourself out of it--well, I'm paralysed and it will never change. She thought I actually meant falling into one and just being scared. Okay---? DID I MISS SOMETHING?!?!?!?!
Stupid...absolutely stupid.
I eventually told her to leave me alone.
So came the next problem. Another of her friends called and she talked to her for over three hours. _-_ I kept asking her when she was going to get me up in the morning to go with my grandma but she'd wave me off like I was a fly. (Since she didn't get online I couldn't tell her I didn't want to go, and I wasn't about to use my cell phone for obvious reasons). She said 9:00 am or before she left for work if it was earlier. Now, my mother is notorious for NEVER getting me up on time. I do not hear my alarm clock when I try to use it. I made her PROMISE that she'd get me up on time.
Did she? Of course not!
I woke myself up at around 9:30, stormed out there in a schizophrenic rage and from what she said, I bitched her out about it for five minutes. I don't care. (I can't tell you how many times she got me up only a half hour or later before I'd have to be at school in high school. She also got me up FIFTEEN MINUTES before I had to BE AT my graduation rehearsal, TEN MINUTES before I had to be at a doctor appointment once (the office is over thirty minutes away), and sometime after thirty minutes before I had to be at the graduation itself, plus a billion other things.) -__________________-
I better find myself a damn loud alarm clock for college. I might as well buy a police siren.
Anyways, I'm glad she's still at work. I hope she gets home really late and then just passes out on the sofa like she always does.
I also hope James gets fired from his job soon. *crosses fingers* He needs to do something BETTER than telemarketing for minimum wage. I know that's mean but I don't like the fact that he's spamming people.
Well, I feel a little better now that I've gotten that out of my system. *sighs* I think my blood pressure is very low again...I'm even colder than usual and I keep getting dizziness. I couldn't walk straight today after we got home from the damn mall. (That didn't go well, but I don't want to elaborate on it.) But I don't care enough to go to the doctor and be stuck on more pills with gross side-effects. -.- I hate pills.
-Zalika
(Damnit, she's home...) >_<;
Well, I think it's time for another update. Thank you to those who remembered my birthday yesterday--a lot more remembered than I was expecting and I appreciate it. My mother forgot until my grandma came over, then she acted all enthusiastic about it and was all like "happy birthday!". -_- All I got was cards and Daj gave me some money. James says he has a surprise for me but I have yet to see what it is. Two of my other friends said they're doing drawings so yay, I want to see. :D
I got my check for my $125.00 scholarship today. I appreciate it but gods, what on Earth am I going to do with that? My tuition is disgusting, and it won't even cover a month's rent. -_- Of all the things I applied for, that's all I get. What a slap in the face. Oh well, for now, better than nothing.
I fucking hate loans. My mom said that the APRs are supposed to go up to 8% on 1 July, and it's not here yet! Yet EVERY single student loan we looked up was 8% or higher. I am pissed, and she's pissed because we ended up applying through snail mail for a parent loan, which means she has to start paying within 60 days. I am so frustrated, and we don't even know if we'll get accepted. I also have no credit because I don't have a card or anything, or even a bank account, and she has the worst credit on the planet. So basically I'm screwed and don't know what to do. I know nothing about finances or economics. We don't even know the APR of the loan she applied for. With my luck it's outrageous. And I never have good luck.
Well, orientation is on 7 July, which Daj paid for. I've thanked him a billion times just for this two or three day visit and still feel like I owe him big time. He said I don't owe him anything but I never can accept that answer. I am not excited about this because of all the people that will be there, and because I still won't get to be with my boyfriend. *sigh*
I hear my uncle's wife-wannabe thing yelling at him outside about something...I'll laugh if the dog bit her, again. Stupid fat fuck. -.-
Well from what I can think of I don't have anything else to complain about, so I'll shut up now. I'll go watch Ghost Hunters reruns...
-Zalika
Just finished watching Terminator 2 on sci-fi and cried...AGAIN! ;_; No matter how many times I see that movie, I don't think I'll ever be able to be unemotional at the end. Any other movie I get used to, but that one of all the things I've watched...nope. It's just...this machine...learns the value of human life and tries to be one...and he can't kill himself...and...it's just so sad yet inspiring...and...other stuff. *sobs*
Okay, blah. If James ever gets his ass online and talks to me like a good fiance should, I'll update. -_-
-Zalika
anxiousWow, I feel exercised! I haven't felt exercised since we brought all that wood over by hand from Catwoman's. Since Daj couldn't fix our old lawnmower, which is ancient and trashed, (RIP Rectangle) we bought a new one and this thing is AMAZING. I was so angry from my depression turning into rage that I ran the yard with it and got it done within 15 minutes. And it's BLACK with the big tires on the back so it's easy to push! :D (I might try to personalise it like I did with Rectangle). The grass was a foot high--how it got that high without any rain is a mystery. I'm all sweaty and I feel like germs and dirt are all over me but meh, my heart was racing so that was good. I actually feel a little better, mentally.
I probably sound cheery with that paragraph but I'm anything but--I would need like 80 thousand mowings to make myself feel on top of the world. -_- I wish James would come online. I feel like I'm not a priority to him at times, despite what he says, and that his computer is still shit. Ugh, I wish he'd fix it or the connection or whatever it is. He comes online and randomly goes off, saying it's not his fault but sometimes I just don't buy it. Maybe he's upset about not being able to come--I don't know.
MSN messenger won't sign in...They're probably doing their stupid maintenance and won't let anyone sign on. With my luck, James is actually ON the computer now and of course I can't talk to him because that's how my luck goes. -_- Anyways, I took the mower over to the shop and mowed what little grass Daj has that was probably 7 cm high. He barely touched any cars today. I think his hips are bothering him today--he had his cane and he cringed when he'd walk. I offered some aspirin but he said it wouldn't help. :\ I haven't seen him use the cane in over a year, so it must be really bad. But there wasn't any mowers to fix or tires for me to change so I just came back here and now I'm rotting in a sea of boredom.
I think I'll just go play Neopets or LoGD for a while...Merf. I need to figure out a name for my new mower. (Yes, I name ALL my mechanical things.) And I need ideas for my fursona thing...Since I don't have one. Ugh.
-Zalika
bored