We were in Peak. Amazon had a bunch of work for us to do and now were post-Peak and we are barely getting enough scraps to get by.
Amazon isn't paying us correctly so we have drivers complaining about not getting paid on time. Since I am the one who does their settlements they question me as to what is going on and I have to keep with the same song and dance because I am in the dark as much as they are.
We got a bit of broker work but not enough. They are already starting to cut days. I mean yeah Rob and I have our vacation/personal/sick days but I would rather use them for things I would enjoy doing. As long as Rob gets at least 4 days of work I think we should be ok. If they start cutting my days then were going to have an issue.
In the mean time I am going to seriously start looking into getting an Etsy store open to see if I can sell any of my photographs. If I can make some extra money on the side doing something like that then it should help. I need to get ahead of this and see if there is some way I can get some more money put aside.
I am going to see if there is any Magic the Gathering cards I can sell on Ebay to make a quick buck and just put that money into savings. Its not like I am using them anyways so if someone is willing to pay for them so be it.
At the very very worst case I can always see if I can get a part time job at like Spencers or Hot Topic for some extra scratch since my appearance with the aquamarine hair, the facial piercings and the tattoos kinda prohibit me from working in any mainstream places.
I am trying to keep positive but who knows how long that is going to last.
It's a year. A whole year since I 1st heard the news that you died.
At first it was a phone call from Kristin, which although I know its wrong, I ignored because I don't usually take cell phone calls at work. Then Dad called. At that point I knew something was up.
I picked up the phone and I heard the raw emotion in his voice when he told me you had been rushed to the hospital and you had died.
I didn't believe it when I first heard it then it sunk in. That is when I had my break down. I was here, right where I am now, at my desk at work. One of my coworkers yelled for Rob and he rushed over and I told him. The rest of the morning is a blur.
For years I put up the front that I didn't care, and for years I was lying to myself. I put my own pride ahead of the fact that though I was an adult I still very much missed my mother.
I know that it is natural for the parents to die before the children. The older are supposed to perish first. But this was just so unexpected. There was no long battle with an illness, no horrific with injuries. Just here one day, gone the next.
I never had a chance to tell you I was sorry for being so distant, for being a horrible daughter. I never had a change to tell you that I loved you one more time. I never got a change to completely mend the break in our relationship. When I started reaching out to you it was too little too late. I regret not taking advantage of you being alive sooner.
Now I have to live with this guilt until the say I die. It is what I deserve for squandering what precious little time you had on this earth. There was so much I could have showed you. You could have met my wonderful husband, seen our "kids" Raz and Lulu in person and not just in person, you could have seen my 1st apartment. So many things you could have seen had I only not been such a horrible daughter.
I miss you Mommy. I miss being able to randomly text you. I miss seeing your posts and comments on my Facebook page. I miss when you used to cook for me. I miss when we used to bake Christmas cookies. I miss everything about you. I wish I could go back in time for just one more day with you.
It's never going to get easier not having you here. I am just going to have to learn how to cope with it, learn how to live with the regret.
Back to the grind. Another vacation come and gone and here I am back at work.
Rob and I had an absolutely wonderful vacation. The drive up there was nice and uneventful. As soon as we got there we checked in, unpacked our stuff and then promptly did a Giratina raid as the "bee box" which is basically right outside of our hotel was a Pokemon gym. We did a lot of Pokémon Go while we were there, unfortinuately I did not get any event shines but ah well. At least we got some Shinx.
It was nice, just the 2 of us left to wander around in Salem enjoying the food, atmosphere, shopping, people watching and most importantly each other. We celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary on Halloween. I can't believe it has been 6 years already. Time seems to be just flying by. It seems so effortless. I can't say I have ever experienced something so perfect. I am so fortinuate I got to marry the man of my dreams. Between his personality, the little jokes we have with each other and everything else I don't think I have ever been happier.
We had fun just relaxing in the jacuzzi with our numerous bath bombs (of which we used maybe half of what we brought with us), drinking wine enjoying the Food Network, walking around Salem with no set destination. It was everything a vacation should be. Granted, it would have been nicer if it wasn't as windy, but it was the end of October which is not usually the warmest time of the year. Part of me wishes it could have been longer, but on the other hand it felt good to get home. The drive home was a challenge. We left at like 5:45AM, it was dark as shit outside, not to mention it was raining just about the whole way home. And it sucks driving in MA at that time because they don't like streetlights on the highways. So it was veru VERY dark.
Being away is nice, but it is always nice to be in your own home, sleeping in your own bed. Not to mention it was good to see the kitties. I know Jenn came over every day and took care of them but I just love being home with them, watching them play with their toys, having Raz lay on me. Hell, even Lulu has been super sweet since we got back.
Not to mention, the other thing that Rob and I missed probably as much as our bed was our video games. LOL We brought the Switch with us but the asshat who installed the television and the box in the Inn blocked the HDMI ports so we could not hook it up to the television. Maybe when we go back in 2020 and hopefully get a different room the TV will have the HDMI ports open LOL
Its been hard sitting here at work after being gone for 9 days. Not only did I sleep like absolute crap last night, but after being with Rob for 9 days in a row I miss the time we had together all day every day. No more random hugs, cuddles or kisses because I am stuck at work and he is home.
Ah well. That's what makes the time we do get to spend together during the week all the more enjoyable.
So here is a brief update since I have not posted in awhile, not that any one really reads this. Its just supposed to be an outlet for my thoughts anyways.
Dad was in the hospital again, 2x to be exact, but he was released on Saturday. Here's to hoping he stays out this time since I am seriously tired of being there. I enjoy seeing my father, just not in a hospital bed.
Rob finally has 5 days a week again at work. Though this week he only has 4 for some reason. If it doesn't go up next week I am going to have him talk to the bosses again. Since we are losing someone this week I can't see why everyone can't go back to their regular schedule since we will be paying one less salary.
Hmm, what else? Oh, Rob and I have started the Keto diet. So far so good. I've lost about 6lbs and he has lost about 8. I seemed to gain weight this weekend but when I spoke to our friend Shane about it we determined it is because there is a lot of cheese in this diet but not so much fiber so as a side effect pooping has been almost non existant. So more fiber it is because I need to be losing weight, not gaining it. I want to be down to 175 or lower when I go to Salem so I have about 15lbs to go.
Since Dad is out of the hospital I am going to go back to the gym. I will go tomorrow as I am not dressed for it today, not to mention if I can get out and walk today with Rob it will be nice since it has finally started getting cool. Yay fall.
Well I guess that is all for now. Catch ya on the flip side.
Just when I was optimistic that Dad was not going to be back in the hospital those dreams were dashed again. Last week I was off Monday for the holiday and I had asked Dad if he wanted to go fishing or something because he has been out of work. He said he wasn't feeling well. He had been feeling not right for the entire weekend. So I said ok.
Tuesday he called me and said he had spoken to his doctor about how he was feeling and his doctor wrote a script for him to go to the hospital for an xray and a CT scan. Long story short, he has been in the hospital since last Tuesday because they found an abscess where his gallbladder was. They put a drain in again. When I was there on Saturday the doctor said there was a good chance he was just going to be in there for the weekend and he should be out on Monday with a drain in place for a week.
Were are now in Monday and Dad told me that they want to go in and suck the remaining stuff out with a tube and possibly put a new drain in . Dad is so over being in the hospital. I am tired of having to go visit him there. He has lost way too much weight, he has lost his muscle tone and now it looks like he is losing his hair. He was way better off before he went in and it is physically taking a toll on him.
It is breaking my heart every time I see him like this. I told him today honestly I contacted a medical malpractice attorney I knew for his opinion on the preliminary facts. I think if they would have done the procedure sooner to remove his gallbladder he would have been better off.
I just can't think about it anymore. He said they are going to try to suck out whats left with a tube and if that doesn't work they are going to put in another drain. I just want this nightmare to be over.
Gotta go back to work since no one else in my office does their job.
Rob and I are trying to get a YouTube channel off the ground as well as an Instagram page and a Twitter as well. I mean come on, if tons of people can get out there and make money off of doing things they love we should be able to do. We called RNG_ReallyNerdyGamers. I love it.
We have been making Pokemon Go videos about the new research etc as well as posting Go videos and other things related to gaming and/or nerdy things. So far we have been enjoying ourselves with it. I am really hoping that things take off. Not only will it be nice to earn some extra money along side of our regular salaries, but if it takes off we could potentially be making a lot of money doing something that we love.
So here's to hoping for a miracle.
In other news the car has been fixed, the license plates for the corolla have been handed in and I got my new license in the mail. So all I have to do now it take the car to be inspected, get the registration papers from Dad and then in October take it for an oil change before we go to Salem. Nice and simple. Let's hope it stays that way.
Well time for me to get back to work. Today is going just as slow as it was on Monday and Tueasday. I don't know why it feels like work is going soooo slow but something needs to happen because I am bored out of my damned mind.
Today is a hard day. One of many I have had since my mother passed away.
Today would have been her 59th birthday.
There are so many things I could have said to her and so many experiences I could have shared with her had I only swallowed my pride, resigned myself to the fact she wasn't going to leave my step father and tried to make amends sooner.
Not a day goes by that I don't regret trying to mend the issues between us sooner. I had been in contact with her sporadically before her death. I would shoot her over a text message, we would comment on each others pictures on facebook.
In retrospect, the year leading up to her death I had been having dreams about her dying. I should have realized then that despite not agreeing with all of her decisions I did indeed miss her and I wanted to make amends and I was worried that I was going to lose her before I was able to say I was sorry and I wanted her back in my life.
But I was unable to do any of that. I had at least 3-4 dreams about her dying or being dead. Seems like my sub conscious was telling me that I was not prepared for her to die and I should have taken that as a sign to go see her. Instead I would shoot her over a text message, ask her if she was ok, if there was anything wrong and she assured me every time that she was fine. I should have been more diligent. Who knows, maybe if I would have seen her before she died, or if I was more presistent with making sure she was in better health maybe I could have convinced her to go to the doctor and maybe, just maybe they could have found something to help prolong her life.
Recently, this past Saturday I believe I had a horrifying dream. My mother had become a part of a cult. I was badgering my sister to give me the address so we could go and see her, get her back. I got her phone number. I called her and a child answered the phone and told me, your mother thanks you for the birthday wishes and hangs up. Then, Kristin, myself and my father all got into a vehicle and we sped to where she was. It was some weird place with log cabins and we pull up in front of the cabin and barge in. My mother is sitting in the corner in a rocking chair with a sad smile on her face. I run to her and fall on my knees in front of her, all the time going "Mommy, Mommy". Her face is looking away from me but you can see she is crying. I take her face in my hands and turn her to face me and I look into her eyes. I tell her I love her and that I want her to come home. At that point she gives me a very sad smile and my vision fades to black. I hear a voice in my head saying "You can't have her she is already dead"
I woke up in a panic. I wasn't crying because I think I was trying to process the dream. Only after Rob got up and I told him I had a bad dream that I broke down and started crying and I told him the end of the dream. That was all I could verbalize without breaking down again.
It is the worst feeling in the world to lose a parent. As a child, you always expect your parents to be there. As an adolecent/teenager we all go through that angsty period where we "hate" our parents. As an adult you finally learn to appreciate your parents. You realize everything they did for you. As an adult you now know all that needed to be done; paying the bills, food shopping, clothing and school supply shopping, helping you with your homework, going to your band concerts etc. On the other side they teach you responsibility, how to be a better person and the more mundane things, how to cook, clean, do laundry etc. As life goes on you realize that life is finite. We all have an end.
If my mother were to have lived to be older, I think it would have been easier to come to terms with her death. She would have been a little old lady. She would have lived a fuller life. But she was so young. She was only 58. Barely half way through what could have been a long life. You are never prepared for death, but it would have been a bit more expected. No one expects to die young.
Just like no one expects their parents to die. Your parents are a part of your life since day 1. Its weird. Our parents are with us every day of our lives and we can't be with them for every day of theirs because they were once just like us, someone elses child growing up and learning the very lessons and skills the taught to us.
The circle of life and death IS infinite. It would be nice if our lives can be too. I know people say a person never really dies as long as their memories are carried on by those who loved them. Though in part this may be true, but I would still rather have the person. Like I have been telling my father with his recent health scares, he has been saying how he doesn't have life insurance, how Kristin and I won't get anything when he dies and I tell him, I would rather have him then money.
Just like now, I would rather have my mother in my life then the memories. Memories can't give you a hug and tell you it is going to be ok. A memory can't make you some of your favorite food. A memory can't talk to you as you walk around New Hope. Memories are only in your head and heart, not in your arms.
Mommy I miss you. I wish I could have told you when you were alive. I wish I could have said I love you one more time. Now I have to take solace in the fact you are no longer suffering. I love you Mommy. Happy Birthday.
This entire weekend I have had some of the worst sleep ever.
I didn't sleep well Friday going into Saturday because I had to wake up at 6:30 because I needed to bring the car to the shop. Why did I have to bring the car to the shop you ask? Well when Rob and I went out to go get the Spinda quest for Pokemon Go we had to go to the Menlo Park Diner. We parked in the Menlo Mall parking lot in the part closest to Rt. 1 and the diner, by the tattoo shop. Well as we were driving home we heard a weird noise coming the rear driver side tire. Rob thought that maybe it was a rock in the wheel. As we drove I heard it more and I asked him if it felt like the tire was going flat. We drove to the little shopping center by our house and lo and behold there it was, a huge screw in the tire.
So we drove home and tried to take off the tire and put on the donut. We just couldn't break the seal on the lug nuts so I ended up calling AAA. They got there and were able to get off the tire and put on the donut.
Bright and early Saturday morning after Rob got home from work I went to Pep Boys and since it was a tire I bought there I had the coverage on it and they were able to take out the screw and patch the tire for free. I go home. Later on in the morning we went to Strawberry's with TJ. We had a nice time, dropped of TJ and we went home. I was supposed to go straight to Dad's house but he ended up going shopping with Barbara so I wanted to reschedule and I took a nap because I got no sleep the night before. I had the absolute worst nightmare ever, which I am not going to repeat here. I then went to Dad's house for a bit, watched Frozen with him and Barbara then I went home.
Later on that night Rob and I went out at like 11:30PM to see if there were any Lunatone's down by the Perth Amboy waterfront because we had heard in the community that people had found them down there. Alas there were none. So afterwards we went to our favorite cemerary in Fords and walked around for a bit. It would have been nice if we thought about how muddy it would be because of all of the recent rain, but we still enjoyed our walk none the less.
We went to Burger King since we were still a bit hungry, then to 7-11 then we went home. I think I went to bed around 1:30-2AM. I woke up around 9:30AM, Rob had gotten up a bit earlier. We cleaned the house then our friend Coley came over and we were out ALL day doing Pokémon Go Raids. We finally got the Alolan Marowak and we got our Absol as well. Not to mention Coley got a lot of steps done for her Mew quest. We got some wine then we went to Five Guys before coming back to the apartment and doing some Aus Wondertrading and other pokemon related activities. Finally Coley left around 8PM and Rob and I just lounged around until I went to bed around 11:30AM.
All in all a great weekend was had. I love spending so much time with Rob. I can never get enough time with my hunny bunny.
True to my word I woke up at 6AM and I did a half hour of exercising before I took my shower. Today starts my diet and exercise routine anew. I did my arms this morning. For breakfast and lunch I have a protein shake. I have 3 of my oatmeal cookies for a snack and 80OZ of water. For dinner were having mac n cheese and I am hoping we go for a nice walk depending on the weather. I am also going to go for my walk today at work for some extra calorie burning.
I just hope work goes by quickly and smoothly today because I am tired as shit and I just want to go back home and sleep.
The week is almost over, thankfully. The past 2 days I have slept well enough. I haven't wanted to get out of bed. I think it is because I started taking sleeping pills again. I am going to try 1 pill instead of 2.
So I decided I need to drastically do something to lose this 20lbs. Tomorrow I am getting in the mail my protein shake powder that I liked as well as my appetite suppressor and a pre workout drink. I am going to start waking up at 6AM then doing 30 minutes of exercises before I take my shower and go to work. Then I am going to be walking the 30 minutes / 1 mile for my break then I am either going to be walking with Rob, or on the days we don't go out for Pokemon Go, I am going to do exercises and lift weights at home.
As soon as I get back into a consistent routine I think I should be able to lose the weight. I need to do something because the more I think about it the more depressed I get. Even though money is a bit tight at the moment I should still try to eat healthier.
It is so quiet here today, thankfully. There is no one in my little office but me. One person is off till Saturday and the other one is out today because they have a party to prepare for on Saturday. Which works for me because it means the bridge troll and the abdominal snow cunt can stay downstairs and not clomp up her to ruin the peace and quiet.
Well time for me to get back to work. Thankfully I still have stuff I need to get done. TTYL
Today has shed some light at the end of what seems to be a long dark tunnel.
Our bosses have sent out the schedule. Thankfully, since the work has started coming back Rob now has 3 days of work instead of the 2. Yes I know it is only 1 day more, but that 1 day is going to help immensely.
This whole time period has been rought but thankfully it has shown me that worse comes to worse if Rob had to take a part time job that we would be able to keep the apartment. Granted, we would have to be a bit more money conscious, but we would be able to do it.
The way the expenses are looking this week I think I am going to be able to go to the supermarket, get some chicken, spinach, not to mention some chopped meat and the fixins for lasagna so I can make the lasagna stuffed meatloaf. I also need to get a few things to make oatmeal cookies since I told Dad I would bring him some this weekend since he is finally out of the hospital as of yesterday.
I sent him a text asking him how it felt to finally sleep in his own bed again and he ended up calling me to complain about how his life insurance with Aetna was cancelled because he had pancreatitis. He was telling me if he died that Kristin and I wouldn't get any money. I told him as I have told him numerous times in the past that I would rather him and not the money and I am not worried about the money. Could I use it, sure, but it is not something you base your life around. I am not worried. He still said he was going to be looking into getting another policy.
Rob and I need to start looking into getting life insurance policy as well as putting together a will. Not that we have any money, but we do have a lot of possessions that will have to be given to whomever or sold. Some aspects of being an adult are a pain in the ass when you do not have children. But I have enough nieces and nephews so I am not too worried.
Well time for me to get back to work. I am definately in a better mood today then yesterday and I am also a bit more hopeful. Let's hope the trend continues.
nervous
depressed
hopeful