Strong and tender like the ocean

Yay for clinical site acceptance (they got my acceptance form and will forward it on). Which, all worked out, because the other place I was really interested in but wasn't sure if I'd get in did not accept me. So, it worked out for the best. :) AND... I'll get to start working with adolescents sooner than later, so I can figure out if that's what I really want to do with my life/practice.

My attempt at cookies this morning has been successful, which is good, because they have to go somewhere at 2pm. (Did I mention the last time I made cookies, I defied the cookie ingredient order list, and they were a huge mess? Lesson learned: Don't mess with the cookie recipe gods.) And, after my thing this afternoon, I'll make more (with macadamia nuts, coconut flakes, and a smidge of coconut powder).

My two presentations for the semester are over (and can I say the second one was SUCH a clusterfudgamadoodle?) I realize I use PowerPoint differently than most people, and that I'm a minimalist (c'mon, I was trained to be a talking head, not a PowerPoint user), but to use obnoxious colours (and go between highlighting *some* red text with black highlighting, on a light coloured background)? I had to put my foot down there and ask for some consistency and pull out the big guns. ("Can we choose one or the other, because alternating is just not professional.") Hated to do it, but it was required. (It was the night before the presentation and I am so glad that I got that email before bed, rather than when no one was able to actually response.)

Now, I just have a few more major papers and we're heading toward the end of the semester (both YAY! and OMG!, yet again). This summer will be reading toward clinical, as well as finding a job for the summer. We'll see how it goes. It's such a freaking hard market right now.

I've been sleeping a lot recently, when I can. After a year and a half or more of applications, Sarah was picked up at a new place (YAY!), but she commutes into DC now, which means earlier rising than we had been. This was the first week, and OMG. It was a lot of tiredness and getting used to it. On top of the time change, we tried to also roll back our wake up time three hours. That didn't happen. So, we were able to roll it back an hour and a half, and this week, we'll try to get up a half hour earlier than that. (We want time to work out in the morning, as she gets home too late to really smartly work out in the evening.) I'm finding that, while I do not like to get up in the morning, I do think and process much more clearly in the morning. I need to keep this in mind.

What a week.

* Been reading Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn at bedtime. Just hit the second part of the book. MESSED UP! But intriguing. Interested to see where it goes. But, be warned, as a friend of mine wrote on a GoodReads review - it's ugly people doing ugly things. (And ugly as in not-nice.)

* Moving forward on things. I'm trying to not worry about the GRE on March 4; I'm really truly weak in two of the three math areas. Again, trying not to freak out.

* My PhD application is nearly done. (Major shout out to paperkingdoms for looking over my CV.) It will be good to get it off my plate.

* Got some sad sad sad news Friday. But, the good thing coming from it realizing that my desire to get a PhD is not about anyone in particular, but is something I really am doing for myself. And if I don't get in? I'm also okay with that.

* I've not been running. At all. And I told Sarah tonight, I think the half marathon in October really took out my desire to run. I'm hoping that changes. If anything, we've only got three races this year (a 5k, a 10k, and the half in October again). We really need to make sure we train this time.

* I've been trying to go gently in so many arenas of my life. I'm trying to remember that getting everything done, ever single day, is not humanly possible (unless I don't sleep - and no one wants to see that).

* That said, it's about bedtime.

Oh, DW. Today has been a good day. It was a day that felt like forward movement when it feels like I've been spinning my wheels. It's that whole doing a little bit of work over a long time and then finally finishing things up, and seeing things take shape.

The nice thing about keeping a journal is that I can go back and remember that Every.Single.February I go through this. (No, really. I do.) And that it's part of what goes on with me and I have to work with it.

On the PhD application front - both recommendation letter packets went out to those doing the letters. My statement of purpose is done. Now, it's just finishing my CV and then putting all that together (with the money, of course). And the GREs are March 4 (the Monday of spring break). My part is almost all done. The GREs are freaking me out - I'm not doing well on the practice tests in the VERBAL section. But, I'm scheduling at least 1-5 hours a day, most days, to work through stuff until I take the test. It's the best I can do.

School moves along. I'm still trying to keep above water and keep going. It's a lot of figuring out what needs to be done when. Thank goodness for planning I did the first weekend of the semester. I mapped out major projects, so that I can try to not wait until the last minute. So far, not bad.

There's been a brief pause in research (that's on the plate for the weekend) - but we're swimming along. The instrument is just about put together, I'm in charge of the IRB packet (typing it out - we've already discussed what's going in it). Moving along, moving along.

Sarah was kind enough to do my taxes, so I was able to submit my FAFSA for the coming school year.

My clinical application is in. I met with the clinical director today. There were two sites in particular that she was like, "Call today!" So, I did. One of them, I caught the on-site supervisor and was able to schedule an interview. I got really excited when her response to my I'll be a first year clinical student next fall was I love first years! And I just checked out their website and let's just say, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. The other placement sites are also good. So, it's just a wait and see process.

And now, there's studying and/or early bedtime now. Tomorrow's a school day!

I swear to all that is holy, I really am a.) not good, and b.) don't like things like resumes and personal statements. I am really bad at talking myself up in constructive ways and yet, this definitely is the space I have to be in right now. All of the "What are you *doing*?" and "Who do you think you are?" questions are rearing their ugly heads.

I'm sipping tea, breathing, listening to pop music, and working with it. Because this is just the 'Throw it all out into the universe' moment of my life and should be just about done by the end of this month. (I hope.) Breathing into it, because damn, this is uncomfortable.

I'm in a space of growing and need to work with that right now - groovesinorbit reminded me earlier today that I'm doing a lot of new thing right now. And it's good to remember that.

There are thoughts brewing about faith... Should be interesting. I'll get there. Not sure when, but my faith/practices are making subtle shifts in my life, and in ways that have me excited about continuing.

In other news, I'm getting better at drawing boundaries and saying no, without burning bridges. It's a lot of "That sounds really great and I'm not able to RIGHT NOW, but definitely keep me in mind." It's been a lot of trying to decide what my ultimate goals are and realizing that as much as I want to be everything and do everything, it will make me sick again. And I can't afford that.

So, I learn. Keep learning. Always learning.

Somehow, life has gotten way too busy for my liking. But, I guess that is to be expected. This semester is busier than most, and I'm working to keep lots of things up in the air. I think I'm really glad I'm taking some time off from trying to make V+R work as a business. It would be too much, I think, and it would be really easy for me to beat myself up about all of the things I am not doing to forward V+R as a business. Rather, I'm just trying to get back to writing posts that I find interesting and that are honest. There's a fine line there, you know?

My mom called last night to see if we could figure out a weekend in February to come down for a family thing, and I had to be like, "I really can't, not if it's a Saturday." I hadn't realized that every single Saturday is currently accounted for. It's slightly frightening (because then there's the thought of when the hell do I have time to do homework?) but also just eye opening to the fact that, while I have the best intentions to do things on a schedule, I know that there are other areas of my life that are just as important (or moreso) that also need attention.

It's learning to lean into not making "I'm a bad person" an immediate thought when things (like blog posts or practices) aren't always the first thing that are done on time. But, rather, making time to do my homework, make sure we have food, take care of the pigs, those are important, too. That spending a Saturday volunteering is just as helpful and sometimes, where I need to be focused.

I'm pondering a lot about what the director of yesterday's Level I (where I was volunteering) said at the beginning - it doesn't have to be perfect. It has to be Good Enough and we have to show up. We have to be fearless and show up with an open heart. I think that that's important.

So, the massive catch up on posting begins! Whee!

First up, we have my 2012 books. It really is amazing to see how much I listened to at work, when I was at the library, as my book consumption went WAY down after I left. Ah well. And here we are!

Would love to hear any thoughts/recommendations/whatever.

( 2012 books )

Caveat: This is being written on a mobile device. Autocorrect may strike.

So, I'm currently in Hawai'i, visiting with Sarah's family. It's been a low key trip thus far, more about enjoying food that really can't be found on the mainland. Tomorrow, we leave for a four day trip to Kauai, which should be packed full. I'm hoping the beach. ;)

It's been raining everyday we've been here - mostly a light misting with times of downpour. On the one hand, sad, because so much in HI is outdoors (for good reason), but also enjoying the resulting rainbows and time for quiet.

I've been wrestling with writing, storytelling, self... All sorts of juicy things. I've announced over at V+R that I'm taking a break from teaching, including the workbooks, etc. There hasn't been much interest and I think I'm working through some things (see above).

In other news, I am also starting some genealogy work. I am applying for the PhD program in what I'm already studying. I'm trying to explore some of my non-White side, whatever that looks like. I have to take the GRE in the next few months. I'm surprised that This Bridge Called My Back is out of print and sells for $80+ online. I'm reading Borderlands/La Frontera (along with many other books) right now. I want to revisit the Borderlands project I started years ago.

No real way to end this, except there are things moving and shifting right now... And I have no idea what that means or what it will look like.

Alive. Promise.
Still kicking.
Just stressed.
Enjoying what I'm doing.
Thinking about potential changes.
V+R stuff coming together (slower than anticipated).
But, something will go up tomorrow. I've missed that space.
Building relationships with classmates, some of whom are surprises.
Semester almost done.
Four papers and two finals.
I can do this.

Oh boy, I need a hug.

Remember when I said I don't like conflict? That must only mean when I'm not tired... and when I'm thinking...

It's nearly midnight. On the East Coast, the polls have been closed for at least three or four hours. I'm sitting here refreshing the Maryland referendums page. Question 6 is so close... currently, it's 52%/48% (in favour of recognizing marriage equality), but there are still 14% of precincts that need to post.

CNN called Obama's reelection about an hour or so ago... the cheers and hoorays going up all over Facebook and Twitter. And yet, I am cautious. I think the first "I'm a grown up and can vote" election taught me nothing is final. (It was 2000.)

I've been fluctuating between terrified and sad, all day. I've been on the verge of tears. (Listening to Andrea Gibson probably didn't help, either.) I think there are a lot of things going on, but, the biggest?

How frickin' divided this country is. At this moment, popular vote is 49.2% and 49.4% between the two major parties' candidates. It's the division that scares me, because we haven't yet learned to work together. There is so much fear (and to fear), and yet, yelling and screaming about it isn't helping. When do we sit down and figure out how to work together to get shit done? To help do what needs to be done? Everyone needs to be right and no one is willing to listen...

I've seen a lot of good in the past week, including Susan Piver's blog post, Only Us: Beyond Republican and Democrat, huge voter turnouts across the country, and people taking at least some interest in what is going on.

I've also seen some ugly, including the mud-slinging and, as one of my Facebook friends commented on, more about what The Other Guy is (not) going to do, rather than one's own platform.

So, I'm torn. Writing the On politics, storytelling, and responsibility post (AKA, the Go vote! post) reminded me of something I've been trying to forget... and I don't have words for it, but it feels big, and scary, and yet, it's there.

I don't know comes next. I'm hoping for more communication, more compassion, less fear, less hate.

It's now about a half hour later. Apparently, MSNBC and Marylanders for Equality have called Question 6 as a success... we're sitting at 93% of precincts reporting, with a 52%/48% split... I'm still feeling so cautious...

ETA @ 1:00 AM: Maryland called the passage of Question 6. Again with the yay, but still so cautious feeling.

Again with the long time. Let's see... what's been going on? Been working my butt off at school stuff. (It's that time of year.) I've been doing pretty well. I've also been trying to keep practices afloat, which has been helpful, though it feels like I'm constantly behind in things. But, it all gets done, regardless.

I guess that's what's important?

My reading has been suffering. (Both online and books.) But, again, I'm trying to figure out the balance there, along with actually sleeping.

I was able to connect with some people this weekend and write together and lead a live writing practice class, which was wonderful. I'm going to see if that pans out with anything in particular.

Life's been going; nothing terribly exciting, but we're safe, busy, and doing what we need to to head toward living a life with heart.

And?

I am having some thoughts about research and while I'm never going to be hardcore statistics... I'm starting to understand it and see the value in it. Wow.