Tomorrow, I have a writing workshop I have to attend at 10a. Then I need to go pick up my taxes as soon as that’s done.
Then I need to come back home & draft my maid of honor speech for my friend getting married in Oklahoma, get ready so I can film, and film the speech. I have no idea what to write, but I know when I sit down to think about what I want to say, it will come naturally.
And then, I have to go to my AA meeting.
Sunday, I have to do groceries and type up my notes from my training at work for the office manager role. I stayed an hour and a half over after everyone left tonight to get myself ready for Monday.
I have A LOT to do and I am still learning how to do it, but I have handwritten notes that I wrote on multiple pages of a legal pad and I am having to constantly flip through them all to find what I am looking for, so it is probably best for me to type them out to easily find my notes.
This week was chaotic. I will debrief later, but I saw so many ugly character defects from my boss. Was I surprised? Not really. I’ve known him for 8 years and I know how selfish & unempathetic he can be, but damn, he really took it to an extreme this week with the lady who was hospitalized and is the current office manager.
It helped that baby Aries, who started 6 months before I left last year, is now a supervisor. He’s never been a supervisor before but I believe in his leadership skills and I mean, he got promoted within 1 year of being there so yay. But we work great together & we had multiple meetings this week to try to figure out how to handle various complex issues as they came up.
Probably one of the proudest moments so far for me has been to see that he was able to negotiate his salary for his new position to be $1 more than he was aiming for after I prepped him last week with tips and tricks to negotiate with my boss. He came back so happy and I was happy for him. Yay!
As for me, I am learning a lot of skills when it comes to accounting and managing the books. But I got good news this month: 3 of my applications for county positions went through. 1 is on a waiting list of high priority applicants to be considered for a supervisor role, another is set for an in-person interview next week, and the 3rd I just finished the testing for tonight so we will see what happens. Something has got to give!
I kind of started my budget for this pay period but I paid some of my bills tonight and the rest after I see how much money is left when I transfer money into HYSA.
I’m pretty proud of myself for making it through this week as intense as it was. How many people are willing to jump into the line of fire when asked to step up to the role & learn shit on the go?
True leadership right there.
You go Daisy.
Too bad the pay isn’t what it should be and no benefits for the role. But that’s someone else’s problem, not mine. I’m just keeping the seat warm so I can train someone else and move on to the next opportunity.
Last few things to rant about:
My mom texted me tonight to inform me that she got notice she will be laid off in June as a healthcare worker due to the increase in wages and the company not being able to afford to keep all staff.
My mom doesn’t want to go back to Del Taco, even though fast food restaurants are increasing pay for employees.
The unintended consequences of the new law that was just passed for higher wages. 🫤
And secondly: What a fucking mission it is to get medical assistance when you’re in between insurances. I’m going to talk to my local legislators about this because this is some fucking bullshit.
I got approved for medi-cal but I still have to wait 30-45 days to get approved for the county’s vendor, CalOptima. I won’t be eligible to enroll into Kaiser until the end of April, which means I’m currently not assigned to any network.
How the fuck am I supposed to get medications or seek medical attention while I wait?
I ran out of 1 prescription that I couldn’t restock on.
I called everyone and their momma this morning to get some answers. In the end, I was told I need to see a doctor first in order to get a prescription. Once I do that, then I can go to a pharmacy to get it.
The problem is, they can’t tell me what doctors will see me while I’m waiting to get enrolled in the county’s vendor system.
The girl literally said it is my responsibility to find a medical provider that will take me. What a bunch of bullshit.
They are literally placing the responsibility on the most vulnerable residents of the state – the people who are too poor to afford insurance.
Goodness fucking sake. We really are on some backwards shit with this. I’ll rant more later. My eyes are burning.
I haven’t been able to do a post since exactly one month from today. I won’t have time or energy to do a full update but:
I did end up working for 2.5 weeks as a supervisor managing 4 vote centers in Orange County for the 2024 Primary Election. Hoping I can debrief sometime soon because there were a lot of experiences as my first time being in a supervisor role. In sum: I demonstrated excellent leadership when faced with a employee (a manager level staff member) who was engaging in sexual harassment & discrimination & breaking multiple policies in place. In the end, I gave him the option to quit or follow the procedures outlined by the Registrar of Voters. He chose to quit, only after telling me I had way less experience than him and he knew shortcuts to be more efficient lol. Because of that, I had to quickly pivot and from Saturday the 2nd through Tuesday the 5th of March, I was BUSY AS FUCK. I had to let go of another employee the following day due to not meeting professional standards (sleeping on the job – felt so bad, he was a senior); and another employee quit on me the same day at the same job site. I had a feeling she wasn’t going to stay because she kept saying she was bored but I mean…if you’ve worked elections before, you should know it’s gonna be hella slow until election day. In any case, I wrapped up on Thursday the 7th and turned in detailed employee reviews. Collected my paycheck the following week and I must say, it was SO worth me running around. Financial stability for a good while!
I went back to work as an investigator for my old boss. It’s been a rollercoaster of events. I was only planning to stay until the new employee started last week, but in an unexpected turn of the events, the office manager got really sick unexpectedly and has been hospitalized on and off for the last 2 weeks. She informed us she would not be able to come in after April 8th to get a procedure done and my boss asked if I was willing to step in to get trained to take over. I didn’t want to, because I am taking a pay cut being at this job with no benefits but I also don’t have another job lined up yet, so I agreed while he looks for someone more qualified to do the role. In a twist of events, my training has not gone as planned because of health complications so I only got 2 days of training last week (2 hours 1 day, 4 hours another day) and today (4 hours). Tomorrow will be my last day of training because my boss officially turned off my co-worker by berating the poor thing and gaslighting her to feel like shit because his business is being impacted by her “choice” to get sick. Such an awful person. I tried reasoning with him but he flat out told me he does not care that she is sick and he only cares about this business. 🥲 So I’m not gonna waste my energy there. I tried. I have more to rant about but another day.
Swinky, our pet bird of 11 years, died last night. The same night as Bella’s passing – 4 years to the day. 🥺 My mom called me this morning to advise she found his body in the bird cage. 😭 She was on her way to throw him in the trash but I asked her to pull his body out and put it in a bag so I could take him to get aquamated (cremated but more earth-friendly) and she hesitated because that meant she had to put his body in the refrigerator but she did it because I promised I would make sure his body would end up in my fridge instead of theirs. My dad would have been pissed if he had seen Swinky’s body in the fridge, even though it was his bird. Alex saved the day and transferred Swinky’s lifeless body to my fridge, where he now rests until I take him to the facility tomorrow to get aquamated. When Bella died, her little body was too big to put in the fridge (and frankly, we couldn’t bear the idea of holding her lifeless body and stuffing it in the fridge). We ended up putting her body in her bed (fuck, I’m gonna cry) and then put that inside of a laundry basket, which we surrounded with plastic bags of ice to keep her body cold until we could take her to the place to a necropsy (autopsy version for animals). My poor girl. Anyways, when I went to visit my dad tonight, I asked him about Swinky because my mom had mentioned Swinky had been sick for a few days. I had told my dad years ago about a bird clinic in the area and my mom was surprised my dad did not mention it when she told him Swinky was sick so when I went to see him, I asked him why he didn’t take Swinky to the clinic. He flat out said that he knew Swinky was gonna die and it was better that he die than to take him to the doctor. What the fuck?! 🥺He went on to say that I shouldn’t get attached to my dogs because when they die, their bodies are also gonna go in the trash. I honestly don’t know if I am shocked by his stoicism. A true Capricorn – as cold of a heart as I’ve ever seen. Not a fuck in the world. Not an ounce of empathy for the bird he brought home years ago and professed his love for. No mourning. No sadness. How do you live in this world with no emotion and no empathy? What an ugly way to live. My grandpa, his father, throws puppies away in the creek in Mexico, when their dog has puppies. He stuffs them in a plastic bag to drown them and dumps them out. Am I surprised that he is following his father’s footsteps? What a fucking asshole. I didn’t bother trying to talk to him after that. Instead, I went outside and spent time with the partner bird Swinky left behind. My sister had told me she was breathing heavily since she came home from work and when Swinky’s partner died in 2020, he would not stop singing at the top of his lungs the day she died. I was surprised this bird didn’t do the same, but I spent time with her regardless just whistling and trying to see if she was ok. I tried asking my siblings if they wanted to split up the $200 cost to get Swinky’s birthday aquamated but my Cancer big brother is just as big of an asshole as my dad and said we can just get a box and bury Swinky – no need to spend the money. 🥲 My sister also said she wasn’t going to spend $50 to do that so I am charging her money because she wants me to go to her job in Rancho Santa Margarita on Wednesday to film her for Open House night so I told that bitch she better pay me gas if she wants me to drive out there. Fuck outta here with no one wanting to pay up. Alex wanted to get Swinky cremated (he grew up with Swinky since he was like 10 years old) so we are splitting the cost – $100 each to get him cremated. When I got home from work today, I actually took Swinky out of the bag because I had not yet seen him and as soon as I unfolded the napkin he was wrapped in and took him out of the bag, I just broke down and cried. Swinky 😭💔
I have to take a shower because I haven’t showered since Saturday so I’m calling it a day. We will see how tomorrow goes. I finally go the project done for the work from home gig and it took less time than I thought so now I can try to update my resume this week and look for jobs.
Fly high Swinky bird. Tell my girl Bella and my boy Tomy we miss them and we love them. 🪽
Lastly, I haven’t updated here but I hit 1 year sober on March 13, 2024 😊 Have a good night!
Here’s my beautiful, exhausted face before I put a face mask on almost an hour ago. So incredibly tired but so freaking grateful I was blessed with such beautiful, timeless melanin skin. At 32 and a half, it is not bad AT ALL. I love my face and Imma take care of it as best as I can 😍
I just learned I could add emojis on my posts so that’s a gamechanger for me 😁
It’s 10 minutes past midnight and I am about to check out for the night but wanted to quickly recap on my long ass fucking day.
First of all:
Dear lord, thank you for gifting me my legs today to be able to walk 12.34 miles (lucky lucky!) in a single day – the most I’ve walked in 2024. I anticipate that on election day, this number will be higher and a record will be broken.
No wonder my feet are feeling sore AS FUCK.
But grateful nonetheless for the opportunity to get to work today and to have such a wonderful colleague who serves as an awesome mentee to learn the ropes from and for her team for being so kind and gentle with me.
Opening day was wild.
We had to be at work at 7a. I got there 2 min before 7a and some of the my other colleagues were already driving away in their rental to their sites so that tells me I actually need to be at work WAY earlier than I thought. To be on time is to be late.
New goal: Be at work by 6:50a so I can get myself situated and walk into the building at 7a (we aren’t allowed to “clock in” earlier than that so I wouldn’t be getting paid for being extra early but it’s nice to be prepared).
That means I have to leave my house by 6:20a during the week and by 6:30a on the weekends. I left at 6:40a today and that was cutting it super close.
I got sent to shadow the same person I did on my first day of shadowing, which I was super excited about because I love her crew.
I didn’t know there was a whole procedure for the first voter to walk into the polling center so for anyone in CA who has never experienced it, I encourage you to be the first voter at your nearest vote center. It’s a really cool experience(:
I didn’t know if I was going to be working a full shift today, so I only packed some snacks.
Big mistake.
I (very fortunately) got to work a full 8+ hour shift (it was more like almost 10 hours if I’m being honest, which I am getting paid for), but I did not anticipate spending my lunch at the site I was sent to, which was very far from my home so I was forced to buy lunch from the area.
I was not prepared to pay $17 for Chipotle today 😩 It was not in the budget. Takeout was not in the budget. I need to see if Alex is willing to let me have $20 to make up for this expense today 😭
Now I really am gonna have to pack my lunch every day I am at work to avoid unexpected expenses bc Daisy cannot afford to eat takeout at this time.
We left the site around 5:45p and I made it back to headquarters by 6:15p.
I was SO exhausted and knew I was not going to go to my meeting as I had planned, but it’s ok because I had already asked for it to be covered.
Instead, I debated going to do my groceries tonight and figured I could stop by my house to pick up the boys and take them for a quick walk before running our grocery errands.
Well, I was not prepared to be in traffic on my Saturday night so I had to make the executive decision to drive to the pet store because they closed at 7p and it was already 6:40p to get them their treats because I have to be back at work at 7a tomorrow and they’ll be alone for a long time so treats are mandatory.
I made a mental list of things to restock on, but I was not expecting to come across 2 medium-sized bags of Open Farm dog food (small breed version) on fucking clearance for $20. That’s a fucking steal. They also don’t carry that in the store and I found out it was likely a special order that someone didn’t want so I took both of them because the boys just finished the bag of food I had bought them in January. I can’t afford the other bag of Open Farm I planned to get them (it’s $100 for that large bag for both of the boys), so the one on clearance was for Archie and I saw they had 2 smaller clear-plastic bags with just “dog food” written on it for $9. I needed food for Angel and had considered just using the food I got from the pet pantry in January but I asked and was told the likely brands the clear bags were from (the bag of the original unknown brand likely ripped during delivery) so I took a chance and got that for Angel until I get money to buy them the large $100 bag.
That was God looking out for me right there.
My boys have quality food to last them for a few weeks. Yesssss.
Then I made it back home around 7:15p, exhausted AS FUCK.
And I decided it was important to get groceries tonight bc I did not know if I’d have time later this week.
Took the boys to pee really quick and then went to grab all of my groceries. I didn’t budget for anything tonight so I just swiped my debit card as I bought everything and figured I’ll deal with the cost later. I only bought essentials, but it was still pricey – I think I spent like $200 today 😫 I was nervous about what my bank account is gonna look like, but I keep telling myself the universe is gonna look out for me because I am doing everything I need to do on my end. I am taken care of.
Finished groceries at 9:30p and went to my parents to walk my poor dogs who had not been on a proper walk since 6a when I last took them. They are the real MVPs of the day 🥺My poor babies. They loved the car ride tho.
My older brother was at my parents as everyone else was out, so we chatted for a few min while the boys played with Fox. Then my parents arrived around 10p and I chatted with them for a few min before leaving at 10:10p.
Came home, unloaded all my groceries and unpacked all of the boys’s meat and put it in the freezer, then washed the dishes in the sink before I washed my face and put on the mask. I printed important emails from work and now I am here.
I got an email yesterday that a position I had applied for with the County was moving my application along and I have to take a test in order to see what happens next but the deadline is tomorrow at 11:59p. I initially thought it was tomorrow/today before noon but just saw that I have all day tomorrow so I’m gonna do that after I get home from work because at least I won’t be running around all night tomorrow.
And tonight, I did not meet my goal of going to sleep by 8p so I’m gonna be so tired tomorrow but it’s ok. It’s 12:30a and the goal is to knock out by 12:45a. Hopefully I’ll wake up at 4:30a and 4 hours of sleep will be sufficient and I can make up for it by going to sleep extra early tomorrow (7p anyone?).
The full moon was/is gorgeous tonight tho. Feeling super blessed and grateful.
I gotta wash this facemask off before I forget and crash out but anyways, just wanted to share.
Forcing myself to get out this post before I call it a day. I might not have energy or time to do a check in for a few weeks.
It’s Sunday night and I’m wanting to reflect on what my life is like today.
Relief runs through my body knowing I don’t have to wake up this week anymore and deal with the stress I’ve been under for the last few months. That I am finally free.
It came at a cost – multiple, actually. The impact the stress had on my physical health, my emotional wellbeing. My mental stability. I really never expected it to get this far, but one thing about me is for sure: when I see smoke, I will jump the fuck out of a burning building, no matter how high up I am. I refuse to go down in a situation that I have a chance, no matter how small, to make it out alive.
And that’s exactly what I did.
I ain’t got a backup plan. No solid income. A scary situation for someone living on their own, paycheck to paycheck.
I tried looking for new opportunities in my last 3 weeks but it was hard given that I still felt I had that obligation to fulfill my duties. It’s the honest thing to do.
I did apply to places tho, and got a few interviews in, with my most recent one being this week. I think they liked me, but I am still waiting to hear back.
In the meantime, I finished my last day on Thursday & woke up Friday officially unemployed. What to do?
My old employer had asked me to come in to help him until I found stable work, but one of the places I applied to work at called me on Saturday asking me to work the election for a supervisor role I had applied for. I start tomorrow at 8a and will be working nonstop until the end of the election on March 6th, with my shift ending between 8:30p and 10:30p over the next 2 weeks.
I really tried to make my previous job work. God knows I tried so hard. It was one of the hardest and most challenging situations I’ve ever had to go through in my professional career. In the end, I knew it wasn’t worth my health and recovery. I would rather start over & find peace at another job than deal with what I had been going through.
And so I made the decision to give a notice of resignation with 3 weeks heads up and started to look for places.
It was scary as fuck to do, but the relief I felt over my body after I gave my notice was worth it.
And then, it was just a matter of counting down the days until I was free.
That feeling of liberation that ran through my entire body was the most freeing I had felt in a long time.
But when you surrender to the situation and place your worries in the hands of a higher entity/belief, trust that the universe will look out for you and make sure you’re good.
This opportunity that came up will help make up what I need for my rent in April. I have half of my rent in savings – literally all I have left, along with a reimbursement check I received from my 401k and a couple of additional income sources that will be coming in over the next few weeks.
When I did my budget last night, fear ran through my body because I set aside all the money I had left in my checking and savings accounts for bills in the next month & I did not know how I was going to make it through April, but then I took a deep breath & reminded myself it will work out the way it’s supposed to.
So I put my worries aside and just focused on doing my part – taking action to ensure I put in the work and leave the rest to God.
Woke up this morning and did my usual routine: called my sponsor, listened to my AA readings, walked my dogs, did a grocery list & then left at 9:45a with my boys to get my day going.
I had been searching for a free whiteboard for my mom, because she has been wanting one to be able to practice her English now that she’s back in school. They’re hard to come across by, but by the grace of God, I found one yesterday – just the size she was looking for. And it was magnetic!
I went to pick it up this morning and it just so happened to be next to Whole Foods, which is where I started my grocery shopping. Since I’ll be working long hours the next few weeks, my priority for groceries was to make sure the boys had their meats to be distracted while I was away.
Luckily, Whole Foods had turkey necks and backs in stock, which is rare given that the holiday season is over. My boys LOVE turkey necks. They only had 2 left so I grabbed them and some turkey + chicken backs, so they’ll be good through the rest of this week.
Then swung by all of the other grocery stops before returning a sync module for my new Blink camera system that was defective. I had been meaning to return it ever since I got the free replacement 2 weeks ago, but I’ve been so focused on just getting through my last 2 weeks at work that I didn’t get a chance to install the new module until yesterday.
Luckily, my uncle was able to swing by and helped set up all 5 of my new cameras so now I can see my boys when I’m not home(: Unfortunately, I was way too excited when I bought the camera system last month that I didn’t realize it was the 1st generation set and it did NOT have 2-way audio, but that’s ok. I can buy a standalone Blink Mini camera to take care of that.
Found someone who was willing to sell me theirs for $15 and I’m picking it up on Wednesday so yay! Can’t wait to freak my boys out when I randomly check in to talk to them when I’m not home lol.
I also got my LiveScan done for the job I start tomorrow so I’m all set to go. I’m actually pretty excited – I’ve never had an official “supervisor” role even though in most of my previous job, I’ve been an unofficial manager/supervisor since I naturally have good leadership skills. But I’ll be working the election as a Vote Center Supervisor and driving a county vehicle to go from location to location. I do training tomorrow through Wednesday before doing some shadowing the rest of this week and then starting next week I am on my own.
I will likely not be attending any of my AA meetings after this week since I’ll be getting out late. I already have my commitments covered and look forward to seeing my friends when I return because by then, I’ll only be a few days away from reaching 2 years sober 😀
When I was done with the LiveScan, it was 12:30p and I had told myself I HAD to take my boys on a walk at the river trail. They’ve been suffering all week because I was just trying to get all my work done before Thursday and most of the week, I stayed home after I finished work because I was exhausted. I knew this week was gonna be rough on them since I’ll be gone the entire day & will get home exhausted so we went to the river trail and walked the 3 miles in an hour. The joy I saw in their faces was worth every single step.
Then, we stopped by grandma & grandpaw’s house to say hi before my mom went to work & to drop off the whiteboard. This was around 2:15p and I smelled and needed to go home to shower + eat but my boys were also super hungry. We left about half an hour later and then made a quick stop at the pet store because I realized I forgot to get their treats for the week.
Made it back home around 3:30p and unloaded all my groceries before I made myself some lunch & sat down to watch an episode of House. I knew it was going to be the one where Kutner (Season 5, Episode 20) had died via suicide & was wanting to intentionally watch that episode when I was in a chill mood because I fell in love with his character and wanted to mourn it properly.
And cry over his death I did. It had been a long time since I saw this episode but it felt like I was watching it for the first time all over again. Really humbles you to realize you really never know what people are going through and how quickly they can leave this Earth.
I showered after I finished watching it & then proceeded to fold the clothes that had been sitting in my hamper since last weekend.
By this time, it was already 5:15p. I knew I wanted to finish watching Athlete A, which I had fallen asleep watching on Netflix on the couch last night. I was just too tired to get through it but I was genuinely curious to learn more about the Larry Nassar/USA Gymnastics scandal.
Finished the documentary just as I finished putting away my clothes at 6p and then took the boys for a quick walk before I redid my February calendar & headed out for my AA meeting.
Got to see one of my really good friends take his 10 year chip tonight. He was the reason I identified I as an alcoholic when I walked into my first AA meeting almost 2 years ago. He was celebrating his 8th birthday that day. I’m so glad I decided to stay.
As I sat there listening to people share (and him) tonight, I realized how grateful I really was for my recovery. My biggest problem today, aside from the fact I have no job after this short stint is over in a few weeks & getting all the things on my to-do list done today, was that I was trying to unclog my bathroom sink with the liquid I had left.
That’s a pretty good problem to have in my opinion. I have rent for the month of March, so I’ll have a place to stay. All the other financial stressors are a problem for another day.
I thought about my sober sister who had relapsed on NY Eve and who I had seen take her 30 day chip a few weeks ago. How my sponsor had told me last week she was worried because she had not heard from her in days. And how, when I walked into my Friday meeting this week and saw her, I knew when I sat down next to her that she was not okay. When I heard her share that she had relapsed on meth the week before and was not able to stop, hearing her desperation and cries as she choked up sharing that she could not stop getting high and that she was terrified she was going to lose her daughters again, I put my hand on her back and prayed to God he could help her get through her share and to beat this vicious monster called addiction.
I was so relieved that I was not going through that and so heartbroken for her because she was in a really hard place. The most challenging spot for any addict to be in is to stop, because it feels like the most impossible thing to do in that moment when you are deep in your addiction. I am always conscious of that because I know that I could be her in one quick instant.
And so, I have to constantly remind myself that I am one thought away from slipping / relapsing, losing every single thing that I’ve worked so hard for.
I pray for her, and for all of the people who are unable to stop. And thank God for helping me finally admit I was powerless over my addiction and that I needed help.
Another thing I thought about tonight while I was listening to people share was how grateful I was that my relationship with my parents is improving. It’s not where I want it to be, but it’s way better than where it was a year ago. I’m grateful that I am sober and that I am able to show up for my mom as her daughter while she navigates the complicated road of being a parent.
My youngest brother is being really difficult and I am stuck between wanting to put him in his place when he is disrespectful to my parents (because they do not want to do that themselves out of fear of pushing him away) and keeping my mouth shut and reminding myself they are the parents, not me, and I need to stay in my lane.
My sister is also causing my mom a lot of pain because their relationship is so stained & she refuses to acknowledge my mom. It’s been going on for months. My sister will talk to my dad and call him to maintain their relationship, but she barely says a word to my mom and they live in the same house. My sister has told me it’s too late for her and my mom to rebuild their relationship & my mom has told me it pains her that my sister isn’t speaking to her and she’s slowly coming to accept this is what their relationship will be for the time being.
I want to grab my sister by the shoulders & tell her she’s in the wrong and she needs to make peace with my mom, but it’s not my place to do that and I have to surrender to the situation and do what is within my control, which is show up for my mom as a daughter in this time of need.
Of even more urgency is that there was a death that happened to a family friend last week. I grew up knowing this guy. He’s from the same town as my parents. I knew his brothers, one of whom was my brother’s godfather. 2 of them died and their family has gone through a LOT of drama. His wife was found dead almost 10 years ago in the bathroom from a suspected high blood pressure condition. He was left a widow to raise his 3 children and never remarried. He reminds me a lot of my dad. His wife and him were like my own parents – always together. It was his kids who found their mom in the bathroom.
And it was his kids who found their dad deceased in the same home their mom died in.
All three kids, between 14 and 20, are now orphans.
It’s so incredibly sad.
I didn’t get a chance to attend the prayer nights this week, but my dad went most nights & told me how strong the kids were being, serving people food after the prayers were over.
I kept thinking how cruel it was for our culture to give them that expectation & responsibility of serving guests food when they are in deep mourning, having to deal with people telling them how sorry they are for their loss, that they’re sorry they’re orphans, that they have angels watching over them. All the unsolicited advice they are having to listen to. Wouldn’t it be kinder to just let them be and leave them alone to mourn?
IDK. Our culture is so….all over the place.
They’re gonna have a wake before they send the body to Mexico in the next few weeks. I’m hoping I can make it to be there for support.
That made me really grateful to know my parents and uncle/grandpa aren’t dead and that they’re in good shape. I honestly don’t know how I’d make it through something like that knowing I’d be the one tasked with taking lead.
Anyways, those were thoughts that were bouncing in my head today.
I was gonna try to fix my resume up today but I ran out of time & I don’t know if I’ll have any energy to fix it this week since I’ll be working nonstop but we shall see.
I’m just eager for this opportunity and to be able to add it to my resume. I know something will come up. I have excellent references and valued skills. I know the right opportunity will land in front of me if I put in the work to do my part.
For now, I will clock in another day sober & get some rest. I have a 5a wake up call tomorrow.
Gonna pack my lunch in the morning after I do my morning stretches & take my kids for their walk & then head to the training location.
707 days sober and walked almost 17,000 steps today – almost 8 miles!
Here’s to the next 25 days before I hit 2 – w00t w00t!
My body and soul are so weary. The toll of the last 6 months, particularly the last 3 months, is absolutely showing in my body, in my face. My knees have been in so much pain the last few weeks, waiting for this day to finally arrive.
And now it’s here.
I haven’t had a chance to process. I had a long day. Took a 2 hour exam then had a meeting with a resident council I sit on before taking my sister to the airport. Then headed to my parents.
Angel saw me laying flat on the futon & jumped up to lay down in front of me, giving me the perfect spot to place my head. I had my eyes closed but felt like I was awake for almost an hour. Yet, I felt like I was able to get some rest.
My body’s been living in flight or fight mode for so long, with intense periods happening over the last few years. It never seems to end.
Just when I think life is giving me a glimmer of hope, it throws me into another horrid rabbit hole and the cycle repeats all over again.
Haven’t I been through enough? When will this end? Why am I going through this?
My therapist said this has been a grueling ordeal for me and I cannot agree with her more.
Never did I imagine this is what my life would be like 6 months after my birthday.
But I’m a fighter. I’m not afraid to start over.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me
I just need to rest for a bit. Putting my do not disturb sign on and going into deep rest mode for this weekend.
I’m exhausted.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Thank you, universe, ancestors, higher power, God, whoever it is that is praying for me. Thank you for helping me make it through today. Thank you for carrying me through the last several weeks. Thank you for allowing me to remain strong in the face of the most challenging times.
How the fuck did I stay sober through it all is beyond me. I’m just glad this is finally over.
Fuck yeah.
I’ll figure out what my next steps are on Monday. For now, I will rest.
Beyond grateful. Life is kicking my ass, but I’m a fighter who refuses to give up when I get knocked on my ass. Picking myself back up, wiping the dust off my knees and elbows, and ready to give this week another ass kicking.
Just gotta make it to Thursday.
Trusting the process. It’s gonna be okay.
Achieved a little milestone in my fitness journey – got over 10 miles in steps today. My feet are tired & my body is exhausted.
DAMN. Where do I even begin? The month was LONG but it also fucking flew by. I haven’t had a chance to give any updates in the last week but a big major update:
I gave notice of resignation at my job. My last day is on the 15th of February.
And I don’t have a backup job lined up. *insert crying face*
It really was a decision I had to carefully make, but in the end, I chose to not betray myself once again. I put myself and my needs first. And I put my pride aside.
I had been feeling for some time the stress markers from the demands of the role I was in and slowly started to see that I was, in fact, actually not equipped to do the role at this time in my life. I need a slower transition to the workforce. My brain is still adjusting to life and my body resists the urgent culture we are in.
It’s an election year. The work my organization does is important and we are so busy. My body kept saying no. “No, I will not stretch myself beyond what I am capable of doing.” It kept telling me with all the times I’d get sick or had to urgent care because I had yet another herpes breakout. 2 weeks ago, I had a really bad case of the runs and I realized it was my digestive system telling me to stop. It was time to go.
So I gave notice last week and had a conversation with my supervisor in person. I just knew I couldn’t stick it out and fake the funk. And it wasn’t fair to her, who was carrying all the work I wasn’t able to do, or to the organization.
I had not felt so relieved and slept so good since last year when I got the job.
I know it’s stressful not having a backup plan. No job to lean on. Bills I have to keep up with. And where is this extra money gonna come from?
But one thing I do know: I’ll figure it out. I’m skilled. I’m employable. I am able to find a job and will find one that will pay me what I am asking for.
So I’ve been searching for the last 2 weeks. Already have 2 applications in the screening process with the agency I was eyeing. And I applied for another job today and have a phone call tomorrow.
Fingers crossed. It’s gonna be okay. I’ll figure it out. I am confident in my ability to see this situation through as long as I stay sober.
Key highlights from January:
Went out more times for social events that I had in a while (personal social – not organizing or advocacy socials) – dinner with my cousins at the beginning of the month and Galentine’s Day this last weekend with the bridesmaids. I even made chocolate-covered strawberries by myself! (Never again)
Made it a full 31 days sober to start of the year on a good note. Ending today at 689 days fucking SOBER. #fuckyeah Today is also 30 days of my no contact boundary that I resent on the 1st. I’ve got this!!!!!
I’ve also done a much better job at taking my vitamins and medications more consistently this month. Huge win.
My relationship with my parents dramatically improved this month. These last 2 weeks I fell off because of the stress of finding a new job but otherwise, all is well(:
Managed to get through the month on a super tight budget the second half of the month. Came up on a cheap set of Blink cameras but it cost me having to restrict spending super heavily the last few weeks. But first half of the month, I was able to get a massage and my pedicure so yay!
Got my whiteboard set up finally!
Got asked to be the maid of honor and my best friend offered to sponsor the travel for the wedding! I told her I’d let her know end of next month if I’ll take up on offer because I want to find a job and see if I can pay for it myself first(:
Took my dogs on consistent weekend trips to the river trail(: This last weekend, we saw a huge improvement in our walking time. What normally takes an hour and 20 minutes was done in an hour. Holy moly. Small improvements. Yay!
I got the mono for the rosca after not getting it for years lol
My dad turned 53 and I was able to celebrate with him. Yay.
I finished decluttering my home and gave away a ton of clothes. Hooray for deep cleanings!!
And of course, everything I do is for these two lovebugs xoxo
What a whirlwind of events. Grateful to my ancestors for blessing me with the strength + confidence to navigate this situation. For my sobriety. For the people in my support circle. I feel ready to conquer February.
Ending my day on a very calm & peaceful note. Just finished doing a short work entry for my side hustle. Drank my chamomile tea & feeling super relaxed.
I did not get to do my morning stretches this weekend But I did get to squeeze in a morning walk at the river trail this morning with NO rain hitting my boys & I. *yay*
I woke up early & debated with myself on weather we should go (pun intended) because it had been raining yesterday. I remembered my Angel baby turned 2.5 years old today & figured I’d take them out & would just slip on their raincoats because yesterday, they spent several hours with me in the car while I ran my groceries so I wanted to give them a chance to stretch their legs.
Luckily, the rain had started to wind down & it was lightly sprinkling when we left my house and was completely done by the time we got to the river trail. They had lots of freshly watered terrain to sniff & I thoroughly enjoyed the walk today.
Hopefully next month my body is at a point where that walk (1 hourish at the moment) gets to be too easy & I can challenge myself to try something a little more intense for the boys & I’s sake. I’m glad I went though, because last night, I scarfed down a whole box of pizza from What-A-Lotta pizza (my favorite cheap pizza) & I felt awful for downing all of that by my self but I was so hungry lol
I came back home & gave the boys their breakfast (made them chicken with rice + veggies to celebrate Angel’s half birthday) before I sat on the computer & logged in my numbers from my grocery run yesterday into my spending tracker. I had a meeting with my financial coach today at noon but to be honest, I have some urgent matters my mind is currently busy with and the coach could tell that needed my attention more so we canceled and will reschedule for another day.
Ended up cleaning my house as soon as we finished while I watched the Lions vs. Buccaneers game, courtesy of Tik Tok bc I don’t have cable & regular TV doesn’t work on my unit. I managed to clean my house (not deeply but still pretty good) in 2 and a half hours.
I jumped in the shower and was out by 3p and decided to make myself some late breakfast/lunch + early dinner. I was very happy with my clean house.
My sister swung by while I was cleaning because she had called to ask if she could wash at my place. Ofc, I said yes and as soon as she came in, she looked at me cleaning my stove & said she and my brother went to eat yesterday & he told her I was always cleaning & she never thought about how true that was lol.
I’m not ashamed of it and in fact, I’m super proud of that because it just tells you how much I value the things I get to have these days. I worked really hard to get my own place & am actually super lucky my landlord was able to work with me so I could stay while I get my finances together. Even luckier that I did not lose my place after almost drinking myself to death because I hated my life. Today, my home is a reminder that I deserve having my own sanctuary because I worked hard to keep it. If that means I want to maintain a clean home as a form of appreciation to the universe & my landlord for allowing me to keep this home for just another day, then so be it. I love to learn new cleaning techniques & although it’s a ton of work, I’d rather spend my weekends doing this than be in my sister’s situation & still be dealing with all the dysfunctional chaos at my parents place.
So yeah, I’m always cleaning because I have my own place & I’m an adult. Excuse me while I go count my blessings.
My sister also mentioned that she and my mom got into yet another argument this weekend & as I was listening to her, I couldn’t help but feel really sad because I can see my mom is instigating this back & forth with my sister, but she’s over it and shuts down after setting a boundary & will not give in to any arguing. Good for my sister, but how can you repair this when they won’t meet each other in the middle? I know my mom craves wanting a relationship with her youngest daughter, yet does not possess the skills to communicate to her what she desires. She also has a ton of pride & it is unfortunately getting in the way of that relationship.
Doesn’t help that my sister was sharing that my dad was trying to guilt her into speaking to my mom this morning and my sister stood her ground and said no (good for her) and that my brother also guilts her into giving in. That must be hard for her to keep that boundary but she’s strong enough to stand her ground, so good for her.
But still sad all around. I wish things were better but I am not a magician and unfortunately have no control over that situation.
I myself am still trying to repair the relationship with my parents, little by little, but it is not easy. Yesterday, I went to visit before we went on our grocery run and I was already feeling mega stressed from a situation I am dealing with. Did not help that my mom kept gently making me feel awful for my financial situation and trying to manipulate me into moving back in with them, using my dogs as bait by saying we could get a house & I could give them their dream backyard.
As much as I’d love that, I promised myself I would never move back in with them. My therapist has repeatedly reminded me that it is not a good place for me to be back in if I were to move back with them and I agree with her.
I would rather work 2 jobs than move back in because living on my own as helped me make so much progress in my personal life. I don’t care if I am struggling – the way I see it, I am learning how to navigate the challenges of life, making me a stronger & more resilient person. I’ve got this. I will figure it out. I trust myself.
Anyways, I mentioned that to my sister & she immediately told me not to move back home so I know I am on the right path by sticking to my guns.
One day at a time. It was so hard to not respond back to my mom. I’m still trying to figure out to defend myself when she does that because I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate that I don’t know how to respond calmly to her or set a boundary. I usually am snappy & get irritated when I respond to her, challenging her to argue because then I get angry enough where I can leave, but I feel so…disappointed afterwards.
So, we keep chugging and trying to figure out how to handle those situations.
But anyways, I got around to hopping on my computer at 5p & taking care of personal matters that I am trying to navigate. All I can say is that I am not afraid to start over. I’ve done it multiple times in various aspects of my life and I know that in the end, I will find a way to get through those challenging moments.
I was mega stressed out about this situation last month & decided to just set it aside and not think about it during the holidays. This stressor re-emerged this week and I could feel myself being so restless, so irritable, so discontent, so agitated, so resentful ALL WEEK LONG.
In the end, I made my decision & am now in the process of taking action. I feel like I had the courage to just surrender to the situation without stressing over the “what’s gonna happen”. I am telling myself, “I will figure it out. It’s gonna be okay.” I repeat it out loud and feel that it will be ok.
To close, I walked into my AA meeting tonight & it was such a packed meeting for a Sunday night. I was so happy to see so many people that I knew & that they welcomed me so joyously. I remember sitting in my meeting while it was going on and just thinking how happy I was in that moment to be sober, to know things will be ok, to be loved by so many who are supportive of my recovery, to know that as long as I continue to stay on this path, everything will work out the way it is supposed to.
Took my boys for their last walk of the night & just so lucky my babies have a home & treats & toys & a warm, clean house to sleep in. So blessed my Poosh (one of Angel’s many nicknames, but my personal favorite) is in my life, a happy and healthy dog.
It’s going to be 11p and I wanted to get this out because I feel the need to share it with someone/thing before I crash out. When I get a boyfriend, because it will happen, they will get exclusive access to this content, but for now, it goes into this little blog we are putting together lol.
I’m beat. So freaking tired. But very happy with the way the day turned out.
I had today off in honor of MLK & was planning to sleep in after I stayed up until 1:45a last night putting together that work plan. I went to sleep feeling super accomplished & excited because I now had a roadmap for how to conquer each of my 10 goals I had set out for myself this year.
But alas, my adult body clock did not decided to sleep in today & instead I woke up at 6:30a *cries in Spanish*. All I could do was lay there and fuck around on my phone to try to go back to sleep but around 7:45a I knew it was going to be a waste of a day if I fell back asleep so I proceeded to do my morning routine: Called my sponsor, listened to my AA readings while I washed my face before figuring out what the plan for the day was.
I had informed my sponsor earlier this month that I was ready to dive back into stepwork after pausing on step 4 in September when I left for Mexico. I was feeling super overwhelmed & burned out & desperately needed a break, but then I came back in October & work was really busy all the way through November. December was holidays & I just wasn’t ready to dive back in but after talking to my therapist at the beginning of the year, I knew I was ready to give it another shot.
We had our first session scheduled for this evening before the women’s meeting (more later) but in our morning call, she actually informed me she had purchased a ticket for me at the annual AA women’s banquet in OC hosted in March the weekend before my 2nd birthday. I was really touched because that event is always sold out and it’s a highly coveted event. My sponsor really wanted me to go so I let her know I would confirm by mid-February if I could attend after I see what work looks like in March.
After making my bed, folding the blankets & opening up the curtains & blinds, I decided to head over to my mom’s after I took the boys for their walk because I wanted to see what materials she needed for school since her first day back is tomorrow. I had today off & got an idea of getting my siblings to pitch in some money and see what I could come up with but I needed to see what she was missing.
Before I left, I took some of the medication I take in the mornings & forgot to take the fish oil & b-complex in the morning, not realizing it until tonight when I got home 😦 I was sad because last week, I successfully took every single dosage of meds for the entire week and I broke my streak. Oh well, maybe next week. Hopefully I don’t miss any more doses this week.
Another big win before I forget: this morning, I had my first fasting sugar reading at under 100. After hitting anywhere between 115-190 for the last year. Holy moly. I’ll take that as a personal win for sure!
Anyways, I also debated in bed this morning whether I should ask for help on the “Buy Nothing” Anaheim FB group for my mom’s school supplies since I didn’t have any money & my siblings weren’t being very cooperative. I made a post asking for lined paper or blank notebooks in hopes someone would be able to provide something today and I could pick it up. I was planning to buy a zippered binder for $10 from someone on Offer up & have the kids pitch in $2-$3 each since I don’t have any money to spend at the moment.
After I put it out into the universe, I got the boys ready & took them for their walk. Came back home, did my morning stretches, drank my tea & checked the post to see that someone had actually responded and offered to give me lined paper, which put a huge smile on my face. I had a few other people respond offering supplies because I had noted in the description it was for my mom who was returning to school for ESL and people thought it was really sweet of me to do that.
I messaged the person who offered the paper & she actually asked if I had a binder. When I said I didn’t, she said she loved school supplies & was going to put together a binder for my mom & if I could pick it up later in the day. I was super grateful just for the paper so I had no problem with waiting later in the day to retrieve it.
I told my mom I’d leave it for her at the house tonight before I headed home & she would see it when she got home from work.
My mom fed me breakfast & we chatted for a bit before Alex barged in asking for me to help in on college apps (more in a sec). But my mom was complaining to me about my sister.
She had a friend visit from Illinois this weekend & they got an Air BnB, but my sister doesn’t talk to my mom so she didn’t care to inform her that she wasn’t going to be home. The girl’s flight got canceled & she was stuck her until tomorrow. They had already given up the Air BnB and my sister asked if they could stay at my place tonight. I was cool with it because I am her big sister and that’s what I’m here for, plus it’s just me so why not and I had just cleaned the house.
Anyways, my sister offered to bring me a breakfast bagel from the donut place I love (like $6-$7) as a thank you for letting them stay. I didn’t get to eat it since I didn’t get back home until 3p and had a session with the University of Michigan’s Alcohol Management Program & then left for my AA stuff right afterwards, so I’m planning to reheat it tomorrow morning for my breakfast.
Back at my mom’s tho….we chatted for a bit before Alex came over to ask for my help. He is the process of completing auditions for 2 of the schools he applied for and trying to figure out whether the 3rd school needs an audition. I’ve been MIA on this stuff since the holidays because I was letting my mind rest, but it seems he is struggling to figure out what is happening with the 3rd school so we looked into that today.
He also let me know that his auditions are taking place on the same day next month in early February at two different locations just a few hours apart & wanted to know if I could go with him. Ugh, Alex!!! His first audition is at 10a at the university in the county, but the second audition is in the next county over at noon. Not super far away, but enough where he’d be cutting it really close. I actually have a hair appointment that day at 2p in LA County and need to be back home by 12:30p so obviously it wasn’t going to work out.
But I remembered that when Alex went to audition for UCI a few years back, he would have been lost without me so he really can’t do this on his own. So I reached out to my hair stylist & asked if I could reschedule because Alex needs me 😦 I wish Alex had asked me earlier. I remember being on him about scheduling his auditions, but he didn’t communicate with me once he did it and when it was set for so it’s frustrating that he doesn’t see the courtesy in giving me more of a heads up because now I have to the one to rearrange my plans *eyeroll*
He also has to submit a supplemental application to one school so I gave him homework to do today as I had to go and told him I would return this evening after my AA meeting & to drop off my mom’s school supplies. The plan was originally to do the supplemental app tonight but once I left their place, I realized how exhausted I was and wanted to take a nap after my session with UoM.
I spent 45 minutes talking to the clinician and reviewing the 2024 work plan I put together for my goals. I felt really confident about my action plan & scheduled my next session for the day of my 2nd sober birthday in 8 weeks. Here’s to hoping I can handle whatever life throws at me between now and then so I don’t have to move it up. My goal is to start doing my sessions every 8 weeks and then slowly pushing it back to 3 months before ending the service at the end of the year. Fingers crossed.
In between walking my dogs before driving back home for the session, I had decided to message someone selling a 5-camera Blink security system because the price was very attractive compared to what others were selling their new systems for. I had been eyeing these since November, especially as the boys continue to destroy my house when I’m away & I need to be able to speak to them when I’m not there to get their asses to calm the fuck down.
I didn’t have the money this pay period, but trusted God & said I could figure it out if he could make this happen. The guy was offering to sell me the camera system by $60 less than the cheapest one I could find, and it was brand new minus one of the cameras that was replaced with a different one. It was an offer I could not refuse.
I decided to take him up on the offer and made arrangements to pick it up after my AA meeting tonight. I was dipping into my money for rent, but had money set aside in my high yield savings account for my hair appointment & for my AA membership renewal at my home club, so I told myself I’d just set that money aside next paycheck because what choice did I have?
Anyways, after my session with the UoM, I had 30 minutes to rest before I had to get up & give the boys some treats before I headed out to meet my sponsor. I tried taking a nap, but although my eyelids were super heavy, my brain could not go to sleep, so I just closed my eyes and laid in bed because the boys were sleeping next to me.
I left at 4:45p and my sponsor and I dove right into Chapter 5 of the Big Book (my favorite chapter). While we were reading about Step 4 and resentments, we came across this passage that my sponsor stopped to reflect on:
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 66
My sponsor pointed out that in November, when I got the herpes diagnoses, I shut down completely because I was so angry at my ex-boyfriend for gifting me once again with another unfortunate present. It was at that point that I started spiraling down again, isolating & shutting down, refusing to talk and asking for a break because I was so overwhelmed. She noted that the resentment I held against my ex continously keeps me blocked off from allowing the gifts people are trying to give me and this is something we need to keep working on because if I harbor that resentment for much longer, I will run the risk of relapsing.
I hadn’t thought about the impact that had on me until she pointed it out. And she is so fucking right. I left the study session feeling really humbled. My homework now is to come up with a list of people that hold resentments against, including myself. Then, I must print out the Step 4 worksheet from a Joe & Charlie workbook I have so that we can start going through the columns for each person I hold a resentment against.
I’ve done a step 4 only one other time in my life, but felt that I didn’t take it seriously because my sponsor wasn’t really that great of a sponsor to begin with. But this sponsor explained to me how we were going to tackle step 4 & I was really impressed because we are going to do it together. When I did it with the other sponsor, it was a “let me know when you’re done and we’ll discuss it”, which I think is one of the reasons I didn’t take it so seriously.
This sponsor is cool tho – I like her a lot.
After we finished, we went into the Monday night women’s meeting & for the first time in the almost 2 years I’ve been going to that meeting, I finally got asked to lead lol. I was feeling really good even though I was tired & didn’t really know where I was going to borrow the money from the cameras in my multiple savings account, but I knew it would be ok.
Shared & led a really good meeting. My girlfriend that relapsed showed up and reintroduced herself as a newcomer and I was so proud of her for going back. Today is her 9th or 10th day sober. I’m praying really fucking hard for her.
Afterwards, I went to go pick up the school supplies. The lady had sent me a message before my meeting to share that she and her son got carried away out of excitement to put my mom’s school supplies to gether & I couldn’t wait to see what they had done. She came out and explained to me each of the materials they put together:
A black plastic box with blank colored index cards so my mom can study her new words
A pencil pouch containing an eraser (“because it is okay to make mistakes”), a pencil sharpner, really nice pens, several sizes of post it notes, a stapler & Ticonderoga sharpened pencils because she said they are the best ever (wtf – they are so nice!!!!)
A brand new binder with divers, lined loose leaf paper and an extra notebook. The front view of the binder had a drawing she and her son made with motivational phrases to encourage my mom & on the back, her son drew a target with different levels of achievement for her English progress, with the Bull’s Eye being super good english skills
I was so touched. I didn’t even know what to say. I had hesitated reaching out to ask for help because I never ask for anything like that, but since she was starting school tomorrow & I was off today, I knew this was the only time I’d have to put it together for it. And it turned out way better than expected. Bless that lady and her son for all the love and care they put into this. For the kindness they exhbited and going out of their way to do this. I know my mom will be really touched. She was at work tonight but I made sure to tell her they wish her all the luck in the world and are rooting for her.
Truly the sweetest. I have no words except how grateful I am for this miracle.
Afterwards, I went over to pick up my dogs since I needed to get the camera system & they love the car ride. We drove 20 minutes and made it to our location by 8p.
I had told Alex when I was trying to nap that I was not going to have energy tonight to do the supplemental application with him & instead, we would schedule a day/time to do it in the next week when I went over tonight. Since it was already going to be supre late when I got to their place, I knew I was going to stop by for pizza because I had asked him earlier in the day if he could Zelle me money for pizza because I was gonna be hungry.
I called Alex while I waited for the camera guy to arrive & confirmed he wanted pizza as well so he zelled me a few more dollars and I only paid 99 cents out of my own pocket for the pizza. Yay!
I got the camera system and then went to pick up the pizza before arriving at my parents place at 9p.
We ate the pizza and I shared with my dad about my adventures with the school supplies for my mom as well as the camera. Hopefully he or my uncle could help me set it up this week because I need them installed ASAP.
I’m excited to see how the boys will respond when they hear my voice on the camera lol
Made it back home at 10p after I took my kids on one last walk and did my skincare routine.
I was a little annoyed when I walked into my home because my someone (probably my sister) had moved the laundry basket filled with clothes by a few inches, which meant they used my washer & dryer. And I know my sister has a habit of not cleaning the lint trap after she dries, so I checked and sure enough, it was hella dirty. I scolding her every time she uses it to clean it out because it’s a fire hazard and it’s not cool for her to do that, but she was already knocked out because she and the girl are leaving at 5a tomorrow morning.
I saw that my sister and her guest also decided to not wash the few dirty dishes I had in my sink, but did wash the cup they used, which irked me because the only things in the sink were the egg container, my cup of tea, and a bowl. To think my sister didn’t have the decency to wash those dishes is beyond me.
Before the boys and I left to pick up the cameras, my sister asked if I had an extra towel because the girl wanted to work out at my gym downstairs (which I gave her access to) and wanted to shower afterwards. I mean, this isn’t an Air BnB but yeah, I have 2 extra beach towel she can use.
When I went into the restroom tonight to wash my face, I saw that not only did they leave the toilet seat up (a HUGE pet peeve of mine), but my sister had set out all her makeup supplies in my bathroom so she could get ready in the morning and the beach towel as left in the bathroom hanging.
Girl, you already know where my dirty clothes go. Put it in that basket for favor. I shouldn’t have to ask you to do that. I’m not getting paid to clean up after them. This is my house, not theirs. I’m saving them both money on a hotel room & all I got was a $7 bagel for it and nothing else.
*sigh*
For 2 girls who got their master degrees, they sure have a whole lot of growing up to do.
My sister is sleeping on my bed, which I have to share with her, because the girl is sleeping on the couch.
And my keyboard clacking is hella loud, but I really don’t care because it is my house after all.
Anyways, it’s been a very long day. I’m tired and my left thigh and ankles are hurting a ton, but I’m glad I was able to get that taken care of for my mom, to guide Alex in the right direction for him to handle on his own for the college stuff, for being able to catch up with my dad for a few minutes, for only paying 99 cents for pizza and for figuring out where the money for the camera system would be coming from as well as scoring a MEGA deal that I would never have imagined and for the kindness of a random stranger and her son putting together my mom’s school supplies.
Ending tonight super grateful for the blessings my recovery is bringing into my life. It was a nice 3 day break even though I didn’ get to do a whole lot of resting today or yesterday, but at least I have a clean house, food in my fridge, money to pay the bills and a job to wake up to tomorrow morning.
I hit the ground running tomorrow with work until my next 3-day break next month but for now, I’m just glad to end the day sober and on a great note.
P.S. I was planning to write to 3 of my incarcerated friends who keep reaching out on the tablet but since I can’t afford any money on the tablet messenger, I haven’t been responding. I, unfortunately, did not have time to do that today so I’m hoping I can get something out to them at some point this week 😦 Feeling like a failure in this area, but I hope they know I haven’t forgotten about them.
Winding down from my busy weekend now that most of my tasks are done. Only thing left is to fold clothes and possibly start the work plan for my 2024 goals so I can flesh it out tomorrow, but wanted to get this out so I can figure out where my energy level is afterwards lol.
I ended up watching the Filthy Rich docuseries on Netflix last night because I’ve been dying to catch up on the Jeffrey Epstein drama but my sister (it’s her account) is always on NF. I got through 1 episode awake before drifting off to sleep in the 2nd episode lol. Probably won’t watch that tonight because I have a lot of clothes to fold so likely I’ll watch something else.
Woke up this morning feeling TONS better than I did in the last few days. Thank you JESUS!
I finally got up and going around 10a and watered all of my plants as well as repotted some that outgrew their containers before taking my kids on their walk at 10:30a. Did a morning set of exercises & then loaded the washer with my comforter before jumping in the shower. I figured I might as well start with the shower while I was in there and move my way out in the cleaning.
Cleaned the toilet, wiped the mirror and then moved on to the wood cabinets across the house and all the glass/wood surfaces. Then I moved on to the kitchen and cleaned the counter/stainless steel surfaces before moving on to the stove.
Last night, while I was making my dinner, one of the glass jars I had on top of the fridge fell off unexpected and shattered all over the stove/kitchen area. It startled me and then I tried to clean as quickly as I could because I did not want the boys to get cut. Unfortunately, it also spilled all over the stove top, including some of my food, but I was able to eat most of it before throwing away the part that had glass in it. 😦
But because of that, I decided to move my stove today and clean behind it so I could get all the glass out.
Then, I moved on to vacuuming the bedding areas and changing my sheets & pillowcases before moving on to the couch and getting as much dog hair out as I could.
Last part was sweeping and scrubbing parts of the floor before closing it all off with mopping.
All while washing multiple loads of clothes 😀
I started all of this around 12p after I got out of the shower and finished at 3:45p. The feeling of having such a clean home is extremely underrated. One of the best feelings EVER!
I still had to do groceries, but I knew the boys were bored from being in the house all day, so I decided to bring them with me since I already knew what I had to get due to making my grocery list last night and budgeting exactly what I had left to spend this weekend.
Between 4-6p, I hit up 6 stores before coming back home. I, unfortunately, did not stick to my budget, as I recalled at my last stop that I needed more eggs and a few other things.
The budget was $80 for groceries and I ended up spending $97 When I went to get the chicken feet for my boys (it helps clean their teeth), I had to look for the package that cost less because I knew I couldn’t afford to overspend in this area. Thankfully, I found 2 packages that were the same price and way lower than all the others, so I will take that as a win.
I did underspend in the dog treats section by $7, so I’m hoping I can underspend next weekend in this category so that I can apply it to savings in the grocery area. Fingers crossed.
Finished putting my groceries away at 6:20p and took the boys for a quick 10 minute walk before coming back home & giving them some treats to keep them busy & head out to my meeting.
I shared in my meeting tonight because it was a smaller group than normal and people were struggling to share lol but also, my favorite people were there and I wanted to share my appreciation for their support in my recovery. I felt super good afterwards.
Got back home, took my boys on one last walk & now here I am. I warmed some water up so I could drink tea because I was craving food earlier, but I snacked on a ton of stuff at the AA meeting and realized I can get by without eating food and just drink chamomile tea instead.
But feeling really grateful today for being sober and for the things I get to do in my life today. Cleaning MY studio, because my bills are all accounted for and rent will be paid in a few weeks. Cleaning every single crevice and appliance of my home with lots of love and care because I am extremely lucky to have my own place after all that I’ve been through. Grateful for my washer & dryer because I don’t have to go to the laundromat to wash or carry my clothes from a car to my home. I get to wash while I’m cleaning – how lucky am I? Grateful because my boys are happy – they are luckier than most dogs and even children. Their momma makes sure they have treats and their meats for the week. One way or another, I make it happen. They have supplements that I am fortunate enough to buy for them. I just restocked on their probiotics so yay.
Grateful for my car, that even after a year since I crashed it into a pole, is still in working order. God willing, we will have a bigger/newer car in a few months. FINGERS CROSSED!
Grateful for the people in my life who love and care about me and my recovery. For the last few Saturdays, when I walk into the meeting I’m the secretary for, I love that I walk in and am the recipient of so many excited “Hi Daisy!”‘s from the guys & gals that regularly attend my home club meetings. And Sundays being my home meeting, I am always happy to see all the people that return for the meeting. I love greeting people & seeing them stay and give their recovery another day’s effort.
Just really, really grateful.
And although I’m really tight in my funds this pay period, I’m really glad I was smart and set aside all the money for my bills so I don’t have to worry about that anymore. The groceries is always stressful, but tonight, I surrendered to the situation & just told myself I’ll be okay and I’ll figure it out. I feel so calm & at peace about the situation because I know I have a roof over my head, a job that brings income in & I am sober.
Things will slowly start to get better. They already are. Just gotta keep taking things one day at a time.
But I did get to squeeze in a morning walk at the river trail this morning with NO rain hitting my boys & I. *yay*
daeziebug