Cutting Out My Sins

Hi... new to the community... and I realize that it's sort of touch and go here (the last post was in December) but I have something I needed to say and I just wasn't comfortable putting it in my lj.

I have been a cutter for about eleven years, off and on, and as of now I have no desire to stop. I did, however, come to a realization today. People don't want to know... in fact; the closer someone is to you the less they want to know. My best friend and I work together, forty hours a week, and when I come in with bandages or bruises she will question me but accepts my flimsy excuses. Today, she offered me an excuse; she beat me to the lie.

I came in with a fresh bandage on my arm (mostly because the perfectly lined "scratches" are a dead giveaway that I am lying through my teeth) and she asked what happened then told me that it must have been the dogs. I have two pit bulls and they are pretty big (loveable but to an extreme) and she volunteered that perhaps whatever had ailed me was my loveable puppies. I let her believe it, I agreed even. When I lived with my mum I was frequently "attacked" by the cats there and now that I'm on my own I am "a chew toy" for my dogs.

I would explain it to them... I need to do it, half the time I don't even want to but I need to, there's something wrong with me and I can only feel better when I am hurt... but I understand that that is crazy talk and that would just worry them more. I know it's somewhat deranged (or possibly completely) but there is something seriously wrong with me... and it's like, when I'm hurting myself, it makes that wrong thing go away for a second. I need that, a few seconds of peace.

I don't know what it was. I don't know what it is. I couldn't feel it then and can't feel it now cause it's not there and I'm missing it. They always say you can't miss what you never had but I have to say that that can't be true because although I never had it I want it. I had to have had it at some point, I can't have always been like this; it's not fair but somehow this has to be my fault... all my fault. Why can't I be like everyone else?

Today I did absolutely nothing. I ate whatever I wanted and just relaxed all day and my "friends" came and "hang out" with me. Then I realized they all came asking for something. WFT!?! They never come around unless they need something, and in their company I always end up going in just to hang out with them start feeling awkward or at a loss for words and offer them something I don't really want to share. I'm not trying to buy their friendship! Why do I always end up being the loser? Today had been a pretty good day up until that realization. I can't even bleed out my frustrations because even that's not enough anymore.

I sometimes get jealous of all of you guys out there, you cut and you bleed freely. I cut and I barely bleed at all. Maybe I'm just a coward. I have no razor and I'm not daring enough to try the knife I have again. Last time I did too much and the scars I have from that will keep me with my shirt on forever; not to mention it just doesn't do it for me anymore. Bleeding doesn't fix it. Bruises don't help. The ice cold water of the shower freezing myself numb doesn't make me feel, and THIS  INDIFFERENCE is KILLING ME.

The one person who makes me feel better, is making me feel some type of way. The way I'm feeling I now is stressing her out which in turn is further stressing me out and pressuring me to fake the visage of being "OK", which I don't feel like doing just yet.

Guess some of us are just meant to catch the "L" (for the record that stands for "loss"), eh?

What's up all? I'm new,
age: 21
been cutting/ si since I was 7

I'm new to this group I'm 18 and have been SI-ing since I was 11/12 . I need a place where others understand I never realized how truly alone I was until today. I was talking to my friend and her sister had to be hospitalized cause she was a danger to herself and others(she also SI's) she doesn't understand even though I try and explain. So I tried telling her I'm having trouble she kinda shrugged it off in a non challant way. Like it was nothing. And changed subjects then said she had to go. IDK what to do I've lost so much and friends over this. My family has been through hell 'cause of my shit. My siblings and I have a rift between us 'cause they don't understand and was never there for me.*sigh* I'm just going through so much right now and it's in the back of my mind again after months of progress. I want to so bad...I see nothing wrong with it in way it's how I've coped all these years how I survive. I just hate the way it makes them feel I hate the way I have to hide..IDK support would be greatly appreciated.

has anyone ever deliberatly looked at a picture that makes you want to cut?? i've noticed that ive been doing that a lot, my razors arn't working anymore so i found a used shaving razor (weird i know) and took it apart. i used the top one and it worked amazingly, the blood flowed more freely and was a lot reder then usual, which was beautiful to say the least. i talk to myself more then usual as well, telling myself how pathetic and worthless i am. i think i need help

why do i feel like ripping open my chest and pulling out my heart?? i want to die and i want it now but i just can't do it.

 god i just want to fucking die. i hate my life. i'm deseiving my parents, i hade to change were i cut, so no one would find out i still do, i've been drawing abnormally long theses past few days, and i start school next monday, whats good about that is i don't have to wear shorts in gym, other wise people would see my cuts. i swiched to my thighs and my anckel, which is were i 'wrote' cut just deep enough that it bled a little. i need help, or just some one to talk to.

                                                - LovE jAde

hi... i'm new..... i'm 14 and i've been cutting since jan or feb, i can't really remember and i don't care. i like the pain but i hate that i'm deciving my mom and dad. last night was the last time and time befor that was in AZ three weeks earlier. i was visiting family and i got over whelmed. yes my mom and dad know, but they think i'm 'over' it. is that possable?

Hello, I would like to take a few minutes to introduce myself to this community as I am new and with that slightly new also to Live Journal. I was asked to sign up by my friend who knows I write my soul out word for word like an disease, my words are all I have that hasn’t been took away from me by chronic pain. I am looking for understanding and support. I have cut for years, stopped for 2 and started back. It would be great to find new friends so feel free to add me because I am just so tired of walking alone.

My name is Vanessa and I have struggled with anorexia for 20 years and self-injury for more than 30 years. In a quest to understand the reasons behind my behavior, I entered an intensive therapy program and the insight I gained was so valuable, I decided to share my story with others. Comes the Darkness, Comes the Light is a story of self-injury and redemption. By understanding some of the root causes behind my self-injury, I was able to go forward on a path to healing and have just celebrated my first year injury free!

I would love to have you visit my blog and respond to some of my entries!