CuTTeRgUrL

So I'm very proud of myself. It has now been 53 days since I last cut myself. I must say, that this has probably been one of my longer stretches. I'm proud of myself though.

It has now been two days since I last cut. I'm proud of myself. I ended up telling on myself to my therapist and actually had myself admitted for an overnight stay at the local psychiatric emergency services unit...also known as PES. Anyways, I think a night of knowing that no matter what I felt I wasn't gonna be able to get away with harming myself helped me get the chance to just calm down and relax a bit...not to mention the Zyprexa they gave me...that helped too. I did end up filing a grievance report on the doctor though. She basically told me that it was a waste of their time to put me on the unit, that I just needed to learn how to cope on my own and just stop. Yeah, so I wasn't too thrilled with that. I know that if I had left at that time, I would've hurt myself, and I probably would've hurt myself pretty bad. So I stayed, but I filed a complaint against that doctor. They are there for me to be able to get help when I need it. It took me a long time to be willing to ask for that kind of help before it got to the point where it wasn't my choice. It's not easy asking for help like that. It's not easy to say, " I need help protecting myself from myself." Anyways, just wanted to check in.

Well, this weekend went well...I mean, Friday I checked in with my therapist and let her know about my cutting again. She took my blades from me and I promised her that I wouldn't buy any new ones. So far, I've kept my promise. I didn't go and buy any new razors. Although, I sure thought about it. I also thought about SI-ing myself in another form, since I only promised that I wouldn't buy any new razors...but I have not done so. So I stayed "safe" yesterday and so far today. I say so far because I'm not in bed yet and the day technically isn't over yet. Anyways, I'm proud of myself, although I still have the urge to cut pretty bad... I'm proud of myself for not giving in to the urge for two days. It's hard, you know? Anyways, just thought I'd share that. WWAL

How can one feel two things that are completely opposite to each other as the same time about the same thing? I have a desire to stop doing this to myself, because I know it's not "right" and I know I'm not supposed to do it. But at the same time, I want to do it over and over again. I want to do it better, and deeper and harder...all the time, never fails. I don't understand myself...I don't understand how I can love and hate this at the same time. I don't understand why I do it, why I want to do it, why I HAVE to do it. Anyways, I just needed to get that out.

Well, I did it. I gave in to the demons within. I cut. It helped...but now I feel like crap because of it. I feel like a freak once again and I feel like an idiot. The worst part of it is that I will probably do it again. I'm so sick.

I think my best birthday was a combination of both best and worst. It was the worst birthday. It was my 19th birthday. I was locked up in a psyche ward that week because I had made a plan to kill myself on my birthday. Even though I was locked up, the doctor allowed me to have all day visits and I ended up getting like 11 visitors in one day. My therapy group came up and visited with me...they spend their group time making me cards and stuff and then came up to visit me. A few of my other friends came as well. My mom and grandma came and brought me a game boy...which they actually allowed me to play on the unit so long as I was being supervised....like I said, it was both the best and the worst. It was the worst because I was locked up, and the best because I got to see just how many of people really do care about me. Even the cook there made me a birthday cake and the whole unit sang me happy birthday.

So it's been awhile since I've done the whole online journal thing, but I figure what the hell. I'm on the computer constantly, I only write by typing and it does me good to keep a journal. It feels useless to write things down in a journal that I never show anyone, so I might as well, put it here where maybe someone can read it and relate to what I go through. Then I am not only helping myself,  but others as well.

A little introduction is in store I suppose. I am a cutter. I have been a cutter for about 10 years now. Currently I am 22 years old. I am also an addict/alcoholic. I'm in recovery. Have been clean and sober for almost 16 months now. I still struggle though. Not so much with drugs and alcohol, but with my self-harm. I haven't done anything in almost a month and even that wasn't that bad...but the feelings and all that "core" crap is still there and I still have the urge. Anyways, journaling is suggested as a means to cope or whatever, so that's what I'm using this for.

Anyways, just thought I'd go ahead and post my first entry.

Will write again soon.