Twice this week I have proven to myself that I am more than my fears. It sounds ridiculous in a way, but normally my social anxiety/general anxiety would actually stop me from going to work, or going for a class. But this week it didn't. I went for a shift at Oriole, which was a bit tiring but not too bad, and I went for the Jam despite being so scared of the pros.
Am proud of myself, because both times I let my anxiety overwhelm me enough to actually consider skipping, but I didn't. And I enjoyed both experiences. The Oriole people are warming up, and the Jam is actually not as judgey as I expected. It is a safe space after all.
I am becoming increasingly aware that all my perceived emotional strength is just a suppression of my desperate neediness. I don't know how to fill this black hole. I think the first person who dates me is going to have a horrible time.
for some reason the url of an old (ex?) friend's blog surfaced in my mind today, and so i went to read the blog. again - i feel really helpless. and i think again of how bad i am at coping with people in my life.
the moment they intimidate me / are cold towards me in any way, i am repelled all the way away from them.......i completely distance myself. the silly thing is that these people are usually people i find interesting / actually like. i just have no courage and strength to persevere. admittedly for some i have tried and given my best, but for many i gave up trying quickly because of fear. it is rather......sad?
i don't know how i find it in myself to completely stop saying hi to a person and to refuse to acknowledge them by even looking at them. and when they realize and begin to ignore me as well......it does hurt a little. i am very stupid in this way.
the feeling of almost-over, almost-reaching is so delicious. i am proud of myself. i am proud of all my friends, especially the ones who cried but stuck with it and the ones who bore through the shittiest schedules. we are stronger people than we expected ourselves to be, i think. (but cambridge is really out to get us this year hahahahahahhahaha fingers already crossed for the beckoning of march)
having my emotion-sorting half hour, watching an hour or two of youtube, listening to music, practicing the guitar for an hour.........it's helping a lot. i am swinging back and forth between calm submission to the task at hand and strong, unhappy resistance so i need a lot of time to calm down and do happy things. not accomplishing as much as i can each day but i recognize the need to sacrifice work for well being.
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6071982 i just read this and i realized that i have been acquiring these practices slowly since sec 3. am feeling rather proud of myself heheh.
almost done w all of the bio syllabus. need to do more lit and math tomorrow, scan some chem, and soak up gp. i can do this!!! only 2 more days before it all begins. 25 days to the end. POW POW let's hang in there!!!!!! won't be long before i can sing and write my heart out and try my hand at o school classes and hang with friends and hopefully go busking YASSSSSSSSSS
watching another person fumble and slip up with their affection - it reminds me of a younger and clumsier me
"We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them."
i am hurt - but for now i will shelve you. i have more things to worry about, and i refuse to let you be one of them. i refuse to be hurt because of you. - what a stupid attempt to feel better, really.
this is very déjà vu. you are not the first one, though of course you are different. you have always been.
people are getting very trying - but i guess this time i know my ground better. i know where i can lean and not feel the concrete give way. my frustration is building.......but i will do my best. it's the only thing i can do, even when i just want to hide away.
final thoughts for this post are that..you need this. and you need them. and you need time and space. and honestly what did i expect. i will re-learn to expect nothing. i cannot afford this kind of hope when i am already just barely afloat.
cross posting because this is a very important series of thoughts to me.
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if i did not love making art this much - i would be a buddhist nun. this thought is growing steadily stronger.
…..even if i am madly in love with art. i think i am presently on the path toward the decision of fleeing the city, meditating, never, ever being on the internet or even seen by my friends again.
i think i could and would leave this life behind. i could possibly let go of my high hopes of spreading my art to people. i could let go of my violent desire to love and be loved.
i want to just be - i want to sit and look at nature and not feel my pulse race and my breath hitch from paranoia of all sorts. i want to stop eating at myself to live. i want to stop being seen. i want to disappear from everyone without disappearing from myself.
tcn is just heartache so much heartache there is something about that family that makes me really emotional and really thankful all at once it's like a pink happy glow cloud about to rain because it holds so much it makes me want to cry and i just really need to dump this here because in this shitty last bit where i am thoroughly spiritually wasted mentally numbed dazed weijing's post about tcn makes me want to cry i have never missed something in the past this much never ever ever
ok i will embark on the last bit of bio god i need to get out of here very soon / i thought 5 months was just long/short enough to sort things out and end nicely but right now it feels way too long i am very very tired even my tears make my eyes hurt in a very acidic way ok ok. i will post properly about this someday and sort out my emotions.
it's....exhilarating? to open up - unlock instagram, comment nice things on random people's photos because it feels nice to be nice / to be thought of as nice / to think of the person smiling at the comment. but i am uncertain about myself. if i have to pull my insides together to do it, if i have to make an effort - is it real? am i faking it? is it bad to fake it? if i fake it till i make it.....who will i be? will i still be myself? (edit: is the effort made in fact an attempt to be brave? it often feels that way)
i am over-thinking, of course....but i worry that if i don't over-think i will one day think too little and lose myself senselessly. i am well aware of the part of me that craves attention, love....i want people to like my photos, like me, think of me as beautiful. but i also realize that the people with thousands of followers don't really get to be themselves in full, i realize that people tend to veer toward visions of reality that are over-simplified or overly narrow in perspective: e.g. accounts of only cafe visits, nice ootds, carefully crafted / set-up photos, or accounts of extremely minimalistic photos - all on white backgrounds, it is like creating a new reality that doesn't exist. if we sink into it and desire for reality to look like that, wouldn't we be rejecting so much of the complexities and clutter that is natural? i don't want to reject the messiness of reality, i want to take it in as it is and embrace it.
i want the reality i present to be in a more organic form. i want to make myself not crave attention and love, but i understand that i have been somewhat deprived so there is an almost ugly desperation within me. i fear i will lose myself in my desperate search for love in greater quantities.....i need to come to appreciate the quality of love i am already receiving. on that line of thought - i am becoming increasingly numb to kind people? i don't know what it is. i have a happy sort of response but it doesn't feel real, it feels like an automated response. i am losing my emotions again?, which is scary.
i am also becoming increasingly unsure about the future, though not in an entirely frightening way. i will take this a step at a time. as long as i know what makes me happy i cannot veer far from the way to where i am to go. in the mean time, i will navigate exams, hopefully make the most of a few post-bt2 days to revitalize + continue to work on exercising regularly and taking better care of my skin. i do love myself, i do, but i still want to be the best version of myself, so i will keep striving to change in small ways while keeping my feet on the ground.
