Still working through this transition in my body, swapping out cramps for hot flashes [ oh joy ] and not really missing it that much.... its just welllll its final very final and what I find, still find myself struggling with is, how do I now define myself as a woman without my estrogen ??? Am working on that.... in the meantime ...
I DANCED on my Bday at Jebon's midweek Belly Dance Jam! Turned out to be an evening of Goth and Virgo Bdays. What can I say? I am usually my own worst critic and yeah I was nervous BUT I decided THAT night I was DANCING FOR ME and was just going to ENJOY MYSELF and I did!!!!! I danced to LIVE music instead of a cd and I danced in a more cabaret-ish style than I have in a while!!! damn!!! I had a GREAT time!!!!
Am also looking forward to performing with ChoveXani in a group piece for Night of A Thousand Goddesses taking place on Sunday Sept 14th !!
Still taking classes with Jeni and learning a choreography to dance at Rakkassah East!
Ok so its over a week now and I was told by my friend that the batman is notorioulsly slooooow at responding to emails!! okkkkkk I might not even get any kind of response back at alll!!! maybe IF I see him at the next Laz Court and maybe not!
Anyway I did get my Mom packed and on the bus on Sunday to R.I. FOR THE WHOLE WEEK!!! wheeeeeeeeeeeee don't get me wrong I LOVE her I really do. but I NEEDED A BREAK! and so did she! I'll take a couple of days off next week and see what I can do. and if I can take off and go somewhere
well Hunkamania is um well..... extremly underwhelming, repetative and belive it or not, boring after a while! Yeah yeah very good looking men practically naked, right in your face! and I do mean right in your face! Along with the "dancers" there were others going around the audience giving lap dancs too! but if you are rip roaring drunk.... oh well live and learn and I was there to help my friend celebrate her Bday! and SHE enjoyed herself! so ok what the hell
Had to take Saturday as a down day cause I had to! Sunday?? hmmmmmm
Well I always think I SUCK when I dance but everyone else seemed to like it alot! and thought I was good and loved my choices of music!! and that fact it was a very small turn out was ok. OH yeah bit of a disapointment that guy that I was kinda into?? a no show! oh well! I think I'll write him off! somehow I just don't think he's worth it. And after that.....
ooooo my aching head! two drinks and lots of dominoes at an after"party" of sorts next door at the Raven Cafe! fun but damn! having to wake up today!?!?!?!?!? Anyway gonna push my fat lazy ass and take a class tonight and PURE too! I do look forward to Mondays believe it or not!!! I really do!
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm welllllllllllll had a terrific one-on-one pilates workout the other day!! I hooked up with a fellow-sister dancer that I had met thru Serena's and she is terrific!! VERY knowlegdable and as a fellow dancer knows what I need to focus on! Will be seeing her again next month! hope to work up to twice a month if I can!
Today Sunday! had a WONDERFUL massage! with YET another fellow-sister-dancer who does massages and is also knowlegdable about massage for dancers!! wow!!! I feel GREAT!
I have also reasseted my rant. I did the Virgo thing and steped back and looked at the situation! [along with the comment from samuriartguy] Its like this........ when do I really get to see this guy?? once a month? maybe? I am not any where near his immediate universe sooo? oh well!! as for the sweet young thing? ah well let him enjoy the beauty and power of her youth as long as he wants to! After all, attraction is as attraction does!
As for me? MORE classes! Workshops coming up! YEAH! immersing myself in Tribal!!! yoga, pilates, and dance classes OH my!!!! and of course PURE!! man oh man actually makes me look forward to Mondays!! [can you believe it!?!?!?]
ahhhhhhh Friday!! and once again my weekends are busier than my week!
Tonight dancing with PURE at an Internat'l Women's event...
Saturday paying back a favor and filling in desk duty at Serena's later on meeting up with my fellow-sister-dancer and going over what we will be dancing tomorrow evening!
Sunday hosting a meeting at my place for my Vamp group and then dancing at Invokation at club Rare!
whew!!! welllllll it keeps me busy, off of the streets and out of the pool room! it also distracts me from too much brooding time! YES still!! most probably for awhile longer, not something to just "get over" this will take time!
I see a red door and I want to paint it black, no colors anymore I want them turned to black not really just feeling sorry for myself and sad and angry and frustrated as hell!!! and hurt and back again to anger and all around again
Damn!! THIS SUCKS!! brooding pondering wondering why why why why why why why why why why runs through my head around and around and around
damn I'm getting dizzy, mmm maybe its hunger, yeah its luchtime I think I'll indulge in something comfy food and chocolate yeah that'll do it for a while
Current Music
Paint it Black, Song Sung Blue, and other sad songs
Getting my hair done and getting a reading too! boy what service!! But.... This guy that does my hair has been around and I do mean around the Pagan scene for quite a while and then some along with all his other life experiences too. Makes his readings extra perseptive!
OK not gonna bore with the nitty gritty besides can't recall allllll that .. the bottom line???
What I do to earn a living and pay my bills etc DOES NOT DEFINE WHO I AM AS A PERSON!!!! nor does it have anything to do with my journey or my creative self! its just a tool, a means, to get the mundane stuff taken care of so that I can then explore and experiment with who I am, who I want to be and what I "do" to express that in the most creative way I chose to!!!
[whew!]
and all that crap I have been feeling bout this past "B"Day[ and the number that is now my "age" ] very very normal!?!?!?! how bout that!!! So the message was.... Don't sweat it!! Keep focused on my journey, find a way to incoporate more of my "Life's-Work into my daily life! and to keep in mind as well........ What I do to earn a living that pays my bills etc, IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE MY LIFE'S-WORK!!!!!! Would you believe just how many people out there get these mixed up? including me!!!
So? what does this mean to me? Immersing, myself further into this form of dance that I have been "studying" for the past eight years along with the new form of American Tribal as well as the PURE project that I am involved with getting even more involved and exploring that further too!!!!!!
And so after all that we find the traveler on her way continuing her journey with a renewed sense of purpose!!!! [ cut to sunset ]
I went to a memorial on Sunday NOT for who might be there or not BUT for the PERSON who it was for.
YES I felt a bit resentful about feeling obligated to be there would have much rather stayed home and rested my weary feet and legs BUT I went because, because I knew him and even tho I hadn't seen Dennis in quite sometime it was what I considerded a mitzvot, [ a "good deed"]
and yes I still feel kinda of resentful and upset that Dennis punked out on me as a working partner but I understood why as well and was very happy to learn that he had come back and joined another conven that was'nt as intimidating as the one we were in. AND that he was doing really well and enjoying the work and made it to dedication too!!!!
makes his death and the way he died really suck but as I said when it came my turn and least he died saving his famliy. NOt shot in the back by a drive by not like some gansta from the hood no he died a hero's death
WELL here I am about to start my sojourn as a PURE Dancer for the whole entire day !!! had a nice kinda of warm up at Liconln Center yesterday!! small crowd but very very respective! they LOVED us!!!
Feelings feelings ........ nervous, anxious scared inadequate damn! When I was being Gunga Dina just a couple of months ago on July 17th all I could think of at the end was I have GOT to be a dancer in this IF there is a next time!!! sooooooooooo sick of being the bridesmaid and not the bride!!!! SO!!! here I am !!! getting dressed getting ready and hoping I can do this!
YES I CAN!!!!!! I open myself to Spirit and let it happen!
So Mote it be! and Blessed Be too! [ and an Amen while I'm at it]
melancholy
cheerful
annoyed
anxious