Decisions decisions...
Ahh the stages of making a decision.
I start by whining that I don't like certain aspects of the current situation ( in this case my job). I really have come to hate the commute. I don't mind the driving, I don't. It's everything that comes with it- spending $250+ on gas a month, high mileage on my car, losing 2-3 hrs a day driving. Driving can be relaxing to me; the scenery in Oregon is beautiful. I perpetually feel tired ( though, admittedly, this is also due to health issues that I'm seeing doctors about). I also took a big paycut compared to my last three jobs. Taking out the gas money and whatnot, it's hurting. I feel stressed financially. Planning and paying for a wedding on top of it doesn't help the financial piece any. Running groups drains me more than 1:1 therapy. I'm not an extrovert and dealing with up to 10 clients at a time can wear me out. Also, I don't have good enough emotional barriers and sometimes feel their emotions too strongly, which tends to dysregulate myself as well. So I end up spending more time practicing my own coping skills and spending my energy on balancing myself back out, so that I can continue to help them.
BUT! I also see the positives, and they keep me in the situation. The work atmosphere is so different!!! I'm encouraged to take time off, they bend over backwards to make my doctors appointments work- I can stay late one day to leave early another, have like 30+ days off a year as a new employee (this includes sick time, vacation time, holidays, etc). No traditional productivity like other medical settings. I run 13-15 hours of groups a week, do evaluations on MD orders, etc. There are a lot of opportunities for change. They truly do look to improve processes. I'm part of an LGBTQ committee to make changes at the hospital so it is more of a safe space and informed. I'm head of the support group subcomittee and we had our first peer support group meeting on Friday. I'm on an OT committee that is standardizing resources and protocols for when we have OT interns. IF I wanted to, I could easily progress through the ranks and become executive management in the future. My health benefits are amazing- $5 co pays for urgent care, outpatient surgeries, etc. Sarah is on my health plan as a domestic partner, even though we aren't legally so (of course this won't matter anymore come next June when we are legally married, it'll be easy to put her on any health plan I have after that). I love that the groups run for 10 weeks and then I get to change things up. Anyone who knows me well, knows I get bored easily and have a love hate relationship with routine. I have pretty darn close to autonomy in deciding what I teach, and that can be nice.
Hit a point where stress and the negative aspects of the situation feel really intolerable. Of course this fluctuates. One day I can feel so fed up, and then something inspiring happens at work and I think... maybe it isn't so bad. But slowly the ratio of days where the negatives nag me to the days where I feel the negatives are worth it changes.
Start looking at options to change the situation. Or I should say, different options. We started thinking we'd just move closer to my work. Honestly, my hope was that Sarah would leave her job, as it had been something we'd talked about for a while. But finally they got their shit together and gave her the promotion and raise she's deserved for a while now. So moving down to where I work isn't really an option at this point (and honestly, I like where we live better). Moving somewhere in between is an option, but a crummy one. It still leaves total mileage the same, increases gas costs as my car is more fuel efficient. And makes us both grumpy for having a 45 min drive to and from work each day. Vanpool to decrease costs. Yes, it decreases costs. But having looked at the various options, it will almost certainly increase my travel time. Not an option!!
Break down and look at completely changing the situation. I really don't want to go back to a stressful environment where it is hard to get time off, I feel like the quality of the treatment I give is subpar, etc. I love working in the mental health field, but even so I don't get as bouncy excited when I talk about it, as I do when I talk about my work with individuals with brain injury. That says something to me. I thought to myself, the one place that I'd leave the mental hospital for would be an inpatient brain injury unit. BUT only if the system wasn't as crappy as the last one I worked at. Low and behold, the Portland inpatient rehab hospital has an opening on their brain injury unit. I spoke with the manager and she says they only see clients 1:1 for their total 3 hrs therapy a day, and run groups for additional time (I'm fine with that, I just don't want to have to see 2 clients at one time for general therapy. It just doesn't work, and unfortunately it was the norm at the last inpt rehab I worked at. ). Caseloads are 5-6 clients with 1.5 hrs documentation time a day- this sounds fabulous! We had maybe 30 mins documentation time a day at the last place and it wasn't nearly enough. I'm still worried that I'll run on adrenaline all day, to and fro. I LIKE running on adrenaline, it makes me feel good and productive. But I know it's really not best for my body to be in that state. I'm worried that if census goes up, we will be expected to work longer hours or double clients. I guess I'm worried that I'm being told the ideal and the not the reality. Because experience has told me this is often the case. I'm trying not to let my worries run away with me, and instead try to get the real picture and have some trust.
I know that I will pretty much always be welcomed back at the mental hospital, should I decide to return. I know having a shorter commute, less gas money, and a big pay increase would decrease my stress and allow me to focus more on my health. I'm worried that their health plan won't be as good, and what that means when Sarah and I are both still seeing various practitioners. I hate leaving my clients who are starting to build relationships with me, when they are such vulnerable individuals who have trouble doing so. I feel bad for leaving the projects I'm working on, and will miss being able to do more systemic things in addition to hands on therapy. I would love to work 1:1 with clients again, and be in an atmosphere where EVERYONE is working on recovery, vs where there are still many staff with archaic views of the clients and their role in helping the clients. I know I want to get back into brain injury work. I know I want to go back to school and get my PhD in Cognitive/Behavioral Neuroscience. I thought I had to go to Eugene for that (and guess what, the mental hospital is opening a second location there in the spring!), but it turns out a university in Portland does have a similar program. This university has working relationships with both the inpt rehab hospital AND the mental hospital.
I'm not a religious person. I don't believe in fate in the traditional sense. Whether I believe in Karma, or universal energy manifesting in different ways, I'm not sure. But I had a sleep study consult scheduled for next Tuesday at 9am, and it was cancelled at noon yesterday due to a referral issue. At 2:30pm I received an email from the inpt rehab hospital with a slew of times to interview, and Tuesday at 9am was on the list. I already have the time off work and most of the other times wouldn't work as well. I can't help but raise an eyebrow at the timing and coincidence.
Everything seems to point to at least having the interview, asking more questions, seeing and getting the feel of the facility. And then I can decide. IF I take this other job, I will ask if they can wait for me to start until the beginning of Oct. I want to wrap up the initial stages of my projects so that others can maintain them more easily, as everyone is busy and I'm afraid the organization piece will overwhelm if it doesn't have a strong foundation. It also gives me time to process with the clients and hopefully not leave them feeling abandoned (do I have delusions of grandiosity? I don't think so. I know everything will continue when I leave, as it does when anyone leaves. But, I also understand the impact my decisions have on others, especially those as vulnerable as the population I work with). So if I feel I can maintain the quality of treatment I prefer to give, without being stressed and working a bazillion hours a day, if the health insurance plan is good, if I get the right vibes from the staff and environment, I think I may just take the inpt job. I still vacillate on whether or not this is truly the right option. I haven't even been at the mental hospital a year, and that irks my loyalty and sense of what I should do. Bah.
So decisions decisions. I'm glad decisions are complex for me. I have many a client who are very black and white thinkers, and I see the issues that can cause. But geez louise, sometimes it'd just be easier to not feel so torn. ;)
But as I sit outside watching the pups play in the backyard, hear the sprinklers, and enjoy the cool Oregon morning. I'm happy. I have a wonderful partner and a great life. I'm grateful to have the opportunities to make complex decisions and for the opportunities that will continue to present themselves in our future.
I start by whining that I don't like certain aspects of the current situation ( in this case my job). I really have come to hate the commute. I don't mind the driving, I don't. It's everything that comes with it- spending $250+ on gas a month, high mileage on my car, losing 2-3 hrs a day driving. Driving can be relaxing to me; the scenery in Oregon is beautiful. I perpetually feel tired ( though, admittedly, this is also due to health issues that I'm seeing doctors about). I also took a big paycut compared to my last three jobs. Taking out the gas money and whatnot, it's hurting. I feel stressed financially. Planning and paying for a wedding on top of it doesn't help the financial piece any. Running groups drains me more than 1:1 therapy. I'm not an extrovert and dealing with up to 10 clients at a time can wear me out. Also, I don't have good enough emotional barriers and sometimes feel their emotions too strongly, which tends to dysregulate myself as well. So I end up spending more time practicing my own coping skills and spending my energy on balancing myself back out, so that I can continue to help them.
BUT! I also see the positives, and they keep me in the situation. The work atmosphere is so different!!! I'm encouraged to take time off, they bend over backwards to make my doctors appointments work- I can stay late one day to leave early another, have like 30+ days off a year as a new employee (this includes sick time, vacation time, holidays, etc). No traditional productivity like other medical settings. I run 13-15 hours of groups a week, do evaluations on MD orders, etc. There are a lot of opportunities for change. They truly do look to improve processes. I'm part of an LGBTQ committee to make changes at the hospital so it is more of a safe space and informed. I'm head of the support group subcomittee and we had our first peer support group meeting on Friday. I'm on an OT committee that is standardizing resources and protocols for when we have OT interns. IF I wanted to, I could easily progress through the ranks and become executive management in the future. My health benefits are amazing- $5 co pays for urgent care, outpatient surgeries, etc. Sarah is on my health plan as a domestic partner, even though we aren't legally so (of course this won't matter anymore come next June when we are legally married, it'll be easy to put her on any health plan I have after that). I love that the groups run for 10 weeks and then I get to change things up. Anyone who knows me well, knows I get bored easily and have a love hate relationship with routine. I have pretty darn close to autonomy in deciding what I teach, and that can be nice.
Hit a point where stress and the negative aspects of the situation feel really intolerable. Of course this fluctuates. One day I can feel so fed up, and then something inspiring happens at work and I think... maybe it isn't so bad. But slowly the ratio of days where the negatives nag me to the days where I feel the negatives are worth it changes.
Start looking at options to change the situation. Or I should say, different options. We started thinking we'd just move closer to my work. Honestly, my hope was that Sarah would leave her job, as it had been something we'd talked about for a while. But finally they got their shit together and gave her the promotion and raise she's deserved for a while now. So moving down to where I work isn't really an option at this point (and honestly, I like where we live better). Moving somewhere in between is an option, but a crummy one. It still leaves total mileage the same, increases gas costs as my car is more fuel efficient. And makes us both grumpy for having a 45 min drive to and from work each day. Vanpool to decrease costs. Yes, it decreases costs. But having looked at the various options, it will almost certainly increase my travel time. Not an option!!
Break down and look at completely changing the situation. I really don't want to go back to a stressful environment where it is hard to get time off, I feel like the quality of the treatment I give is subpar, etc. I love working in the mental health field, but even so I don't get as bouncy excited when I talk about it, as I do when I talk about my work with individuals with brain injury. That says something to me. I thought to myself, the one place that I'd leave the mental hospital for would be an inpatient brain injury unit. BUT only if the system wasn't as crappy as the last one I worked at. Low and behold, the Portland inpatient rehab hospital has an opening on their brain injury unit. I spoke with the manager and she says they only see clients 1:1 for their total 3 hrs therapy a day, and run groups for additional time (I'm fine with that, I just don't want to have to see 2 clients at one time for general therapy. It just doesn't work, and unfortunately it was the norm at the last inpt rehab I worked at. ). Caseloads are 5-6 clients with 1.5 hrs documentation time a day- this sounds fabulous! We had maybe 30 mins documentation time a day at the last place and it wasn't nearly enough. I'm still worried that I'll run on adrenaline all day, to and fro. I LIKE running on adrenaline, it makes me feel good and productive. But I know it's really not best for my body to be in that state. I'm worried that if census goes up, we will be expected to work longer hours or double clients. I guess I'm worried that I'm being told the ideal and the not the reality. Because experience has told me this is often the case. I'm trying not to let my worries run away with me, and instead try to get the real picture and have some trust.
I know that I will pretty much always be welcomed back at the mental hospital, should I decide to return. I know having a shorter commute, less gas money, and a big pay increase would decrease my stress and allow me to focus more on my health. I'm worried that their health plan won't be as good, and what that means when Sarah and I are both still seeing various practitioners. I hate leaving my clients who are starting to build relationships with me, when they are such vulnerable individuals who have trouble doing so. I feel bad for leaving the projects I'm working on, and will miss being able to do more systemic things in addition to hands on therapy. I would love to work 1:1 with clients again, and be in an atmosphere where EVERYONE is working on recovery, vs where there are still many staff with archaic views of the clients and their role in helping the clients. I know I want to get back into brain injury work. I know I want to go back to school and get my PhD in Cognitive/Behavioral Neuroscience. I thought I had to go to Eugene for that (and guess what, the mental hospital is opening a second location there in the spring!), but it turns out a university in Portland does have a similar program. This university has working relationships with both the inpt rehab hospital AND the mental hospital.
I'm not a religious person. I don't believe in fate in the traditional sense. Whether I believe in Karma, or universal energy manifesting in different ways, I'm not sure. But I had a sleep study consult scheduled for next Tuesday at 9am, and it was cancelled at noon yesterday due to a referral issue. At 2:30pm I received an email from the inpt rehab hospital with a slew of times to interview, and Tuesday at 9am was on the list. I already have the time off work and most of the other times wouldn't work as well. I can't help but raise an eyebrow at the timing and coincidence.
Everything seems to point to at least having the interview, asking more questions, seeing and getting the feel of the facility. And then I can decide. IF I take this other job, I will ask if they can wait for me to start until the beginning of Oct. I want to wrap up the initial stages of my projects so that others can maintain them more easily, as everyone is busy and I'm afraid the organization piece will overwhelm if it doesn't have a strong foundation. It also gives me time to process with the clients and hopefully not leave them feeling abandoned (do I have delusions of grandiosity? I don't think so. I know everything will continue when I leave, as it does when anyone leaves. But, I also understand the impact my decisions have on others, especially those as vulnerable as the population I work with). So if I feel I can maintain the quality of treatment I prefer to give, without being stressed and working a bazillion hours a day, if the health insurance plan is good, if I get the right vibes from the staff and environment, I think I may just take the inpt job. I still vacillate on whether or not this is truly the right option. I haven't even been at the mental hospital a year, and that irks my loyalty and sense of what I should do. Bah.
So decisions decisions. I'm glad decisions are complex for me. I have many a client who are very black and white thinkers, and I see the issues that can cause. But geez louise, sometimes it'd just be easier to not feel so torn. ;)
But as I sit outside watching the pups play in the backyard, hear the sprinklers, and enjoy the cool Oregon morning. I'm happy. I have a wonderful partner and a great life. I'm grateful to have the opportunities to make complex decisions and for the opportunities that will continue to present themselves in our future.
discontent
content
apathetic