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(no subject)

I dunnno if i can write it here.so if it dont fit in never mind.
Tonite im frusted(i cant evenfollow the movie on tv and its a cool movie i like actually much) Im confused and sad that i cant do any than hanging in the middle of nowhereland. I do want just understand what am I...i have the feeling i do deserve to know what Iam(aside being a freak, höhö.)
In the danger of offending you all to hell:
Iam obsessed being a stranger my lifetime. I dunno where it start actually. If i try to realize why, i run in circles. Maybe iam confused with that because of my whole family situation. I do have a reason NOT to fit in, of curse. Even when i dont be mixed.Some therapist suggested its may because of the whole family situation and my sis(who is mixed indeed...but dont look it) and the whole *full of lies family situation i grow up* Its of course a reason.But it should *feel* kinda familar or else in any cases. I dont daubt it has absolut no influence on the whole situation -of course it has but it dont enlight me in any cases. I mean i can say on rational level. Yup it might have an influence of my state of mind.(i could go so far and blame myself a hidden wicked jealousy: she is black but dont look it i do look strange so why i dó and she dont)
All the time i think twice over it my moms(dummie)coment running to my mind. You want look asian. Hell do i ? dont i? i just wanna be me. I would like to understand its just me who made it up or is some up with the whole thing? If so why i dont remember any. If it was that importent why i dont remember any what make me up so wicked. I mean i could say: No big deal i have forgotten the half of my life because it dont fit in.(i actually cant remember any worst exep in flashback etc.)
In hypnosis i do remember stuff.(also to this topic) I cant trust myself my own memories my own behavior or else.I feel so f...up because i dont know any. I just wanna know the truth.
i dont make sense? yeah i know sorry pester you...