saw a comment that misspelled “kind gesture” as “kind jester” and am now imagining a beautiful world where we praise good samaritans by calling them kind jesters. good on you, you gentle fool. you’ve made the world a sweeter and sillier place.

Not now, kitten, m- da- m- your parental figure is in the middle of a gender crisis

Sober as fuck at the back of the club going onto Wikipedia and typing "List of birds"

i'm sorry i didn't respond to your DM for 23 days. the number on the notification icon got really big and i began having irrational anxious thoughts such as "what if people are in there trying to contact me"

do you ever feel yourself fail a charisma check in real time

I would take a job pushing the Sisyphus rock if it paid 20 an hour and I could wear my headphones

Sleeping poorly is so embarrassing... sorry im grumpy I stayed up past my bedtime. Like a toddler

I swear to fucking god. I would claw out OneDrive from my computer if I could. I would burn down their servers if I could. I would run down their stocks to the ground if I could. I hope every single one of their workers gets a better offer from a competitor in the next 24 hours. I hope every single one of their light bulbs explodes at the same time. I hope every single carton of milk in their fridge will always be expired.

Stop backing up my fucking files.

Stop asking me to back up my fucking files.

Stop taking my fucking files off my fucking computer.

I don't want a fucking reminder in three fucking days. Let me fucking say no.

Fuckers.

Having a job is an awesome way to stay hydrated because you get so bored you start drinking water just for a little excitement

“my father is a boy and my mother is a girl so i’m mixed” is the funniest possible response to someone asking your gender and it came from 6’5 Viking footballer and notable weird little guy Erling Haaland on a Snapchat

Being an adult will have you unironically craving a vegetable

they dont tell you this but you carry your upset younger self in you like a parasitic twin

person (non-practicing)

I live a very balanced life of noticing things nobody else does and not noticing the things that literally everybody notices