Sunday was Mother's Day. My second. I took my mom out for breakfast and then we went to the park for a little while. I bought tickets for a show for the two of us to go see. But it isn't until October! It's a long wait, but at least I have something to look forward to after summer ends.
I decided that after I finish these courses I have from ILC, I'm going to St. Louis in the mornings. I can't afford day care for a full day, but if I budget myself, I can afford it for half a day. At first I didn't want to cut out my spending money, but I told myself I had to get my priorities straight. And I'm pretty sure school is more important than clothes/cds/junk. I just wish I had more money some days.
I'm going in the mornings so I can take the car, and have the rest of the day to relax. I like to just get things over with first thing in the mornings. Like exercising. I'd rather do it in the morning so I don't have to worry about it later lol. I probably won't be able to sign up until the fall because I'm not even half done my health course, and they take a while to do through ILC. Which is why I'm going to St. Louis instead. But I don't mind waiting that long. That way I have all summer to play with Sidney!
Every morning I've been going to the park with my Grandma, Faith and Sidney. Then after lunch I study for about an hour, excercise and clean.
On Tuesday, I went to Dairy Queen with my mom after supper. We wanted to go to the playground close to my place but it all of a sudden got REALLY cold so we ended up at my apartment. She invited me over for supper the next day.
Wednesday goes as usual, except I go to get my mom's mother's day gift. When I get to my mom's for dinner, Gary starts freaking out because he doesn't want me there for dinner. He said he invited Beth and there was not enough food for me and Sidney. Instead of leaving right away my mom makes me stay so Gary storms out of the house and twenty minutes later storms back in and starts screaming at me in front of everyone while we're still sitting down eating! All three babies were there. Telling me I'm stuck up, that I take advantage of my mom, that I'm a liar and all sorts of other things. I didn't know what to do or say. Three years ago I would have told him what I thought of him, which is a lot worse than anything he can come up with about me. But I didn't. After he stormed out of the house again, Sidney and I left. We had to take the bus because we didn't have any other way home and it was too late to walk. Nick is pissed off about it, but the only thing I can think of to do is just not go over to visit for a while.
So today we went to the YMCA to go swimming (my grandma, faith, sidney and I). It was actually a lot of fun! Sidney thought she could swim on her own and kept pushing me away, so I'd let her and she'd get her face wet and cling to me and laugh. She did this often lol. After that I went straight home and cleaned my apartment, did laundry, and cooked dinner. After dinner I took Sidney to the playground by myself.
I'm pretty upset about the things Gary was saying. I mean, if he felt this way couldn't he have brought it up earlier and discussed it instead of waiting until it made him so mad that all he could do was scream at me? And I don't even know what he was talking about half the time...
Anyway, not only that has been bothering me. I feel like such a loner. I hang out with my Grandma, niece and daughter every day. My friends rarely ask me to hang out. Cassie was supposed to hang out this week, but the first time she was sick I guess, and the second time she didn't text me back? Oh well. I always feel awkward asking people to hang out. I think that they don't want to because they could be doing something better than coming over afte Sid goes to bed for a couple beers, or going to the park with us. I mean, I know I'm boring. And asking people to join my boring existence for a couple hours a week feels awkward for me to do.
For me, trying to stay positive takes so much energy, that after a while I just need some time to myself so I can pig out on ice cream, watch chick flicks and cry about how pathetic I can be. I want to do that right now!
PS - Sidney is really starting to talk! She can say, `duh`(dog, or duck), eye, `no`(nose), `air`(hair and ear), `mow`(mouth), down, mom, dada, yum, uh-oh, oh shit(not my fault, I never swear in front of her!), plus some more. She enjoys pointing out peoples facial features and saying the words. It`s cute, until she jams her finger in your eye.
Saturday morning I bought some new shirts for summer. After Sidney's nap we had leftovers for dinner and then went to Riverside park. I love walking around with Nick and talking. We hadn't seen eachother pretty much all week, so it's nice to be able to spend time together. When we got back from the park it was pretty late, so we bathed Sidney and put her to bed then watched Yes, Man and had a couple beers.
Today I went grocery shopping early this morning. Then I woke up Nick and he dropped me off at my mom's to do some work. After we finished working, Sidney was still napping so Nick and I went to Orange Monkey. I got a Misfits shirt and he got two CDs. My mom cut my hair short, and we ordered pizza. Right now my mom is bathing the girls, and then Sidney and I will be going home.
I failed my math exam, so I have to study REALLY hard all week so I pass the second time. If I don't, I will be SO MAD at myself, so I can't let that happen!
On Saturday it was SO gorgeous out! I went to a garage sale with my mom in the morning, and then to Riverside for a bit before dropping my mom off at home. After Sidney's nap Alissa and my Aunt Angie wanted to go to the park with Sid and I. Soon as we got there, we were a few feet away from the car, and it started POURING out! We all started screaming and running back to the car, it was hilarious! Sidney was freaked out and started crying, but was okay. I thought it was hailing out, but after I got in the car I realized that it wasn't hail, it was dirt! I was covered in dirt! We went to DQ and took it back to my apartment to eat. It was a nice visit. Nick stayed home with Sidney Saturday night so I could hang out with Alissa and Jenn. It was a lot of fun! We played in the rain and freaked out about how many worms there were, haha.
On Sunday I spent the whole day with Nick and Sidney. I got some work done, and we went to the park and everything. After Sidney went to bed, Nick went to the pub and I watched a movie, but I don't even remember the title of it. It was a really great day.
Yesterday I went to the mall by myself while Sidney was sleeping at my mom's house. I paid my Rogers bill and bought sunglasses. I also got a free five dollar gift card for doing a survey, which I thought was pretty cool! Then I got groceries and dropped them off at home. Spent a lot of time in my parents backyard with the babies. Finished up all the work we had to get done after the girls were sleeping.
Today I got up early to pick up Sidney and ended up going to the mall with Katie, my Grandma and Faith, and Sid. I bought the newest Metric and Tegan and Sara CDs. The only reason we went to the mall was so the girls could run around and it was raining haha. But they really enjoyed themselves! I spent most of the afternoon cleaning to my new CDs. There were FOUR spiders in here today! Ugh. But now my apartment is super clean and nice smelling, and ALL the laundry is finally done. After supper Sidney and I went for a walk and stopped at the playground for a little bit. Now I have to bath her!
After that, I'll listen to my CDs again and work on my Health course.
It was really warm out today, so we spent quite a bit of time at the park and walking around. I want to do something tomorrow, but no one is available? Beth and Tyler never do anything apart when he's not at work, so she won't do anything with me.
Nick and I have been talking a lot and things seem to be getting better. I've been a lot more demanding. All I want is more help with Sidney and for him to spend a little less time with Nathan. I live with Nick, and still he spends more time with Nathan. And truthfully, I feel like being a bitch and telling Nathan that Nick can't hang out every night because he has a family, and just because Dustin moved up North doesn't make it any different now. But Nick's been getting better. At least now he asks before he goes out instead of telling me AFTER he's gone out.
I'm pissed off about school. I want it done with! I just want my diploma, but I can't go to school full time because I can't afford a babysitter or daycare. At St. Louis it's $150 a WEEK for daycare for full-time. That is a lot for us when we already pay out so much money for bills already. I even considered moving out with just Sidney so we could go on welfare, just so I could go to school because welfare would pay for daycare. But that wouldn't be right, and it would be weird not living with Nick just so I could go to school. We wouldn't break up or anything, in my imaginery mind where I actually did that. And to make things more difficult, this year we get hardly any baby bonus because Nick made too much last year. I was getting almost $300 a month last year, this year I'll be getting close to $80.
Mine and Nick's relationship just doesn't feel like it's working. We don't see eye to eye on anything. His new work schedule sucks, because I never see him during the week. He prefers to spend his weekends with his friends rather than Sid and I. We don't have a sex life. I feel like, we aren't even a couple. I believe that Nick just isn't ready for family life, and it's unfair to Sid and I. So, I think it would be best to break up, but I love him and want it to work. Problem is we've been trying, but it isn't happening. What am I supposed to do? It's all I think about. Should I break up with him? Yes. No. Maybe. No. Yes. Really? It's driving me insane. I get angry, then I feel sad, then I say, "Oh, forget about it, it'll get better." But when it doesn't, I get angry and then sad again.
On Saturday my car decided that even though a lot on it was already broken, it needed to fall apart even more. Two things from underneath are now dragging lol. Nick's taking it to his dad's shop tomorrow morning to get fixed. Until then I can't drive it anywhere. Easter was strange. I was supposed to go to my mom's house, but Gary "didn't feel like cooking" that day. So I had to beg my mom to come over here. Luckily we had everything we needed to pull off an Easter dinner in a few hours lol. It turned out pretty good even though it was just Mom, Nick, Faith, Sidney and I at dinner. My Grandma and Uncle Victor came over for a few hours, and Christina and Matt stopped in for a few minutes. Sidney and Faith had a lot of fun playing together and hunting for eggs. :) Yesterday I finally opened up a savings account at the bank and wrote my math exam. Soon as I opened the test, I couldn't remember how to do a damn thing and I had studied a lot! I couldn't even remember how to factor! I guessed at a lot of the questions and was even given extra time, but I know for a fact that I failed. I'm glad I'll be able to rewrite the exam though.
We finally went to Totstime today after wanting to go there for weeks! lol. I was always too scared to go by myself because I'm shy, and then one week I was seriously going to go, but Sidney was sick. It was a lot of fun though. Sidney had a difficult time paying attention to the stories because she was so excited to be around other children, but loved when they played music the best. A little boy would dance with her every time they put the music on. It was so cute. And when everyone went into the next room to colour, they held hands and walked around the whole library before going to the crafts room. He's a year older than Sidney. I think we'll go again next week. Maybe Lexi or Faith will come too.
I've been trying to keep busy this week. My math exam is supposed to be sometime this week, and I'm just waiting for them to call me back with a date and time. I can't wait to be done with math and start my health unit. Also, after my math exam I'll start studying for my fashion exam. School always goes way too slow when I'm just waiting around to do my exams. It's a pain in the ass!
I haven't had much school work to do in a long time, so I've been trying to keep busy in other ways. On Tuesday I babysat Faith over at my mom's house. I was asked to come over and help watch her, but soon as my mom left for work Gary went upstairs to his room and didn't come down until it was time for him to pick Christina up from school and then didn't even come in when he dropped her off. But whatever, it wasn't horrible after I got Sidney to nap. I was pissed though. If I knew I was watching her by myself I would have brought her to my place. Then it was Katie's birthday dinner at the Mandarin that night. The food was tasty and I had a lot of fun.
I hung out with Cassie twice last week. The first time we went to Tim Hortons and the funniest thing happened. There was a little boy two months older than Sidney sitting close by with his mom and Grandma (I'm assuming) and he was eating timbits. And Sidney started screaming and pointing at the timbits box and I was like, "No timbits Sid, you just had half a donut." But she screamed anyway so the mom offered her one, I said thanks, and then when Sid finished she screamed again, got another timbit, said thanks, finished and screamed again! SO I was like, okay, time to go. It was embarrassing, but humuous. Sidney has such an attitude sometime. After Sid went to bed Cassie and I smoked and we drew pictures of the people on the record covers, and made pizza haha. Then on Thursday night Sidney was at my mom's so we drove and got a coffee and sat at Riverside for a while and talked.
Yesterday I took Faith and Sidney to the mall to go shopping. I swear, my day was full of bad luck from the very beginning. Sidney woke up at 6a.m. instead of her usualy time, 8:30. Then after I picked Faith up and got to the mall at 9:30, I realized the mall didn't open until 11a.m., but I couldn't get the double stroller to close to get back in the car so I decided to walk around the mall for an hour and a half. Tim Hortons opened at ten, so we got coffee and timbits, I changed their diapers, walked around until 10:30 and realized Zellers opened earlier than the rest of the mall and I could have been shopping for baby clothes in there that whole time! So we did that for a while. I bought Sidney a cute Winnie the Pooh outfit and spring jacket, a t-shirt and a Sesame street beth toy. By then the rest of the mall opened and we went to the rest of the children's stores. When we went to leave, I noticed I lost a shopping bag! I looked all over and checked the lost and found, but it was no where. I'm glad it was only a $5 t-shirt in the bag, but still a bummer. Then once we got to the car, I realized Sidney's running shoe had fallen off! And I still couldn't get the stroller closed and I was exhausted, and it was past their nap time, and their lunch time! I felt horrible for keeping them out so long. But I couldn't leave the stroller, so I called my mom and she came to the rescue. We didn't find my bag, but at least we got Sidney's shoe, and the stroller closed. I took Faith back to my place, even though my mom said it would be better to bring her back home. The girls weren't any trouble, so I didn't listen. I got them lunch and we played until Faith had to go home. A while later Alissa and Jenn invited us to Riverside park. We played on the climber, the swings, watched Diego chase geese and Sidney loved it all. After that it was dinner time. I went to bed at 10:30 last night. I was SO tired.
Yesterday I was out in a t-shirt for a while, today it's snowing. I can't wait for it to stay warm out.
I hope Beth let's me babysit when she goes to work. She doesn't seem to want to anymore. She says I can't handle two kids, but on Tuesday I handled them even if I was aggravated. And on Sunday I did my best, considering the circumstances. They were both angels, things just kept going wrong. Now she'll never trust me. I guess I can understand why. I just want to be able to keep myself occupied and make a little bit of money I can save, and feel like I'm actually doing something with my life. My mom said I can learn her bookwork and do that for money. I think I will. It'll also look good on my resume when I apply at a bank in the future lol
I found my old LJ that I didn't even remember existed, and it's the funniest thing I've ever read. I sounded so hyper and weird and annoying. But it's fucking hilarious! I don't even remember half of this stuff I'm reading!
EXAMPLE:
2/22/05 02:10 pm - *sigh*
"When I stay at home all the time, it makes me sad and easily annoyed because of not being around normal people. Well, my family isn't all too normal. I guess it is normal compared to some, but all my friend's families do not act like mine...
BETH- Ohmagosh! She is turning 17 in May and just a few weeks ago she was running around the living room screaming, " I have to shit!I have to shit!" So, kind of gross. And just last night she was like, " HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH! OMG! I FORGOT TO BREATH!..." Plus she has the body of a frog. Not meaning that she is green and slimey, but that she has long legs and a short body! And she likes to dance... Not very attractive to watch, but quite amusing. And she whines about the most stupid things! And she was once flipping her hair around and she said, " No matter what you do to my hair it is always PERFECT!" Plus on a boring Sunday morning to pass the time she colour codes her closet and puts matching outfits together:S!?
Christina- She attacks all my friends. She growls, spits, bites, scratches, jumps, pulls hair(not just head hair...) and that is why no one likes my house. She dresses like a skank(only on weekends) and writes in her diary about having so many boyfriends and how she french kisses them(since grade 1). Well, I can't remember everything. But you know, its the little things that all add up together, and some are too embarrassing to even write...
Mom- She acts like a teeny bopper. She gets excited about silly things. And then she says the weirdest scary things. Like once my younger cousin Katie was talking and my mom said, "Shut up or I'll put this out on your forehead!" In a jokingly way of course. And she once said to Katie because Katie is a little brat who talks a lot and thinks she can have wants, my mom said to her, "I'm sitting in the front. So you can french kiss my asshole!" Which is hilarious to me, but also nastynastynasty! If you think about it.
Dad(stepdad)- It is mostly his looks. He is going bald and he is only 32. He has spaced-out teeth and a big bushy beard and stragely(sp?) hair(the hair that he has). And one time, he was buying my friends and I some alkey and Cassie was on the phone with her mom and he jumped in the front seat and yelled, " LETS GO DRINKING!" The most funniest thing ever at the time! Cassie was just glad she hung up in time before her mom heard.
Then there is the rat. Which is really a chuawawaawawawa(sp?)/ poodle. And it it very very very ugly in my opinion."
excited
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