Crazy & Confused

It's probably going to sound somewhat pathetic but I think I'm turning into a bit of a player.
I must have more guys messages in my phone and more calls from guys who want to see me than I do from either girl friends or family. Quite lame when you think about it.
On top of that I stupidly stupidly went out to Scott's a night ago as had no house to stay at - long story short our house flooded - and in my deliriously feverish state had a cone at his after not having smoked for nearly 2 months now and am badly feeling the effects. Though I did get to admire his eye-candy friend Steve, it didn't help waking up at 7.30 sharp this morning and feeling not only guilty but used due to letting him talk his way into my pants, especially given it was that time too. No consideration. Among other things like the fact that just in general he's a completely selfish entity that I keep expecting will change and knowing in the back of my head it never will, I came home, met Matt for a hot chocolate at Norton St and then came back to mine to watch Wedding Crashers while eating in one sitting:

6 tablespoons double choc ice-cream
1 milk choc rocky road cupcake
2 white choc rocky road cupcake (though that could have been 3)
1 vegetable and egg frittata
1 feta and spinach filo pastry
5 apricots
2 milk, 1 hazelnut, 1 white lindt chocolates
1 cadbury mini choc
1 ferrero rocher
2 pieces dark choc
roughly 20 biscuits - assorted

Geez I think I feel more full after writing it than I do after eating it...bleh
At least I don't feel as guilty as I usually do and all I need to do is go to the gym tomorrow or just get back into eating better.. and more protein tomorrow.
I'll be fine.. I have to gain at least 15 kilos, which is going to be quite difficult given I've really turned my mentality so into my appearance, but I'll start going to the gym now I know it's round the college from my course and doing exercise there as well. Maybe even start going for bike rides. Mind you I've had my period about 5 times in the past 2 months which I know is totally not a good sign.
Mum will be happy that I've actually eaten something though.
Just thought I might checkout places to go dancing tomorrow, try and burn some of those excess cals that I ate tonight off...

Ok gorgeous people I'm off to bed,
Love me

Why do I do it?
Why do I put myself in a position where I can let people use me as a doormat.
I went to Scott's yesterday, to "cathup", like we were friends, only to have him ask about "closure sex". I stupidly let him talk me into it. Which to a degree was fine, until he turned it into us being friends with little bit on the side when it suits us. I just want another boyfriend to show him how ducking lucky he was. Now all I can think is 'what did I do wrong to make him only want me as a "fuckbuddy". I really want to talk to him but I can't. I've already said my piece, I can't go back now. And then I saw his phone and the messages he has in there. Only one from Darryl saying how a chick had expected either of them to hit on her 23/10. Kinda makes me angry, feel like I'm being used. Even when he tells me he's not looking/seeing anyone. What's the point of this. I feel like we've already been here. If it's over it's over. Sorry, I can't handle this. I feel dirty and confused and like I mean nothing. That 2 years of my life are reduced to being just a "fuckbuddy" with extra. I'm still not getting what I want out of this. I'm so messed up and I thought I was over this and ok now that he was out of my life. From now on I'm just going to ignore him. I cant deal with it. I love him although I am over him and wouldn't get back with him, so why does he think it's ok to do this to me? I can't stand feeling this hurt, this cut off, this just depressed feeling like I've done so many things wrong. I feel like I've cheated on myself. I can't handle this. I can feel myself sliding back into depression. I can feel the cone cravings. I can feel the pain I want to inflict on myself. Feel the anger starting to bubble inside. Waiting for it to hit the surface again. I was so good in getting over him, so good not to cry. So good to be strong when I needed to be, in front of the right people. Yet now I'm back to square one. I need him gone. I need the paracite flicked from my arm where it is stuck feeding off my blood.

I hate myself more and more as the days wear on. From one minute where I have everything under control, to the next minute where things are flying around me at an abominably fast rate. Nothing's stuck down, nothing's grabable, nothing can be reached. I'm standing in a room watching books, clocks, my life in it's glorious and various forms, fly around me at warp speed, whipping into a tornado-like wind and skitting and whipping their way around my body, my head. Everything is so eerily silent, as though I'm watching through glass, but it's there, millimetres from my head. My life, whirlwinding around my stiff, upright torso, gathering speed for it's one last flight until it drops dead around me, a horrible filthy mess. My life comes to a standstill, silent and deadly, and I look down at my feet to see the next piece of it that I will endeveour to attempt.

So what do you do when all the male friends you have start turning on you and falling for you? This is now the what? 8th friend of mine which I've had to "discuss and clarify" with that I'm not interested in them and that nothing is going to happen between us. Why do I keep feeling like I'm some kind of bitch? I'm so over feeling like I'm doing something wrong and I honestly do my best to make sure I don't ever come across as flirty and that I do stay within the boundaries of a male/female friendship. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.
And I can't handle this onus on the guy to be so selfish and "just make sure" that he doesn't stand a chance, instead of just chilling out and letting things take their natural course, or, here's a new one, just reading the signs! Is it seriously that important for you to ask whether or not you stand a chance, 2 F-ing weeks after I've broken up with my boyfriend? Is this honestly something I'm supposed to be happy about hearing? Because it helps you clarify but upsets the crap out of me? What ever happened to grieving periods and letting people have the space to get over someone, instead of this bull about wanting to find out now so "I'm not letting other oppurtunities pass me by while waiting for you". Can anybody say OVERCLINGY? I mean seriously who wants to go out with someone who not only doesn't respect your feelings, but is selfish, can't read signs, doesn't know what body language means, and in general just doesn't get it? Who's going to be happy with someone who tries to overanalyse everything until there is no more analysing to be done? Who thinks it's ok to play games and ask and reask the same question in a million different ways after having already said NO?!
I am so god damn angry. I am so sick of men. Sick of seeing the filth that runs through their minds; the one-trackedness. The selfishness and the pretending that they care in order to get something they want. Sick of the double standards and the contradictions. Sick of the porn and the smut and the degradation of women which for some reason is justified as being ok because it is a "guy thing". Give me a break. I'm sick of hearing the excuses and sick of still having to deal with them as my friends. Sick of pretending to be nice and kind when all I want is to hurt and mame. Sick of feeling insecure and wanting out because of it. Sick of waking up crying; of self-loathing. Sick of being made to feel I have to compete for men when it should be the other way round. Sick of walking out in public and knowng that guys are checking out my ass and feeling sick to the stomach that there is no way in hell to stop that kind of thing happening every second, in every part of the world, all for the sake of gratifying the male mind.
Why can't we make a law that says if you stare at a woman in the wrong way, she has the ultimate right to then go up to you and clamp your eyes shut for a certain period of time. I honestly think that could work.
On top of that my face looks like you could draw a dot to dot on my face and I've eaten enough food to have allowed 4 people to eat for the next week. I haven't had a stomach so big in months. I wonder what's for dinner? although it will be an early night due to the short 3 hours sleep I managed to get after having such a long evening/morning.
Man tomorrow it's back to the gym and then back to healthy eating - again!! And no more smoking and no more munchies, and cravings and weird food mood swings. Am definately going to have something completely awful to eat for my last night pigging out before I become gorgeous and fit again and also move home.

Gym:
525 calories - cardio
38.47 minutes on step machine.

Food:
1 slimfast chocolate shake - lunch
1/2 an apple - snack
4 corinthian wafers - snack
steamed vegetables - dinner

I broke up with Scott last Tuesday. I saw him for the first time since today. I miss him but I think I'm over him. Though goddamn am I jealous about other chicks. How silly is that? As of tomorrow morning I am off to the gym and will be engaging in a more standardised eating plan. I'm getting too fat and if I plan to pickup this summer, I better start doing something. I'm getting my hair cut short sometime this week too, and I've got to officially decide to quit smoking - of both substances. My head is killing and I'm ure my lungs will thank me. Fuq fuq I wishI had a female friend around to talk to. I wish I had Alex to talk to but then at the same time I don't, guess I'm scared of what she'll say. Still, she knows me better than anyone else.
Hmmm, I feel so empty and lonely right now that the more and more I think about it the more I think it makes sense to kill myself. Just walking calmly downstairs into the shower, sitting down with the cool air washing over my body and just cutting so deep the blood pools down towards the drain, letting me slip slowly and quietly, calmly, out of this world. Nobody would find me till its too late so it doesn't matter too much. It feels like it's the right time. This thing with Scott's over and I can't see that getting any better. I don't even know what I feel for him anymore and it's so confusing. Moving back into mum and dads is just a mistake. Living in such a tiny place and having to deal with my parents in such a small environment. It's going to be hard to come to terms with it so easliy. It feels like I'm moving backwards in my life too. Dropping Scott and moving back home, when I moved out I'd just started seeing Scott and half the reason I moved out was because of him. Geez I don't know if I can handle this whole "being single". in lombo almost. again. I just feel so depressed that even when I'm not smoking I'm still in a sort of daze, like the reality hasn't hit me yet. I hate having such a focus in relationships towards romance and manners. If everything were as black and white as people say things are, then I wouldn't be sitting here in a position of wondering whether Scott is the best that I will have and did I just passs, as he would say, my soulmate up. I feel so empty. Like i'm just a hollowed out shell spinning around in the wind, getting whipped by the breeze and torn this way andd that. I'm just waiting for someone to come along and fill that idea, that image of the perfect gentleman. I want my prince charming. I don't want to have to settle for waiting all the time. Waiting til HSC is over, waiting til NRL season is over, just so I can be loved. Why can't men do 2 things at once? If we are moving into the 21st century. then men definately aren't moving with us. The question is, why is this world such a man-dominated game, when there are more women in the world and therefore more brains. I'm sorry if anyone finds this offensive, but any man who has a girlfriend and feels the need to still watch porn and wank, has some serious issues they need to address. Also, anyone in general who is a porn chick. maybe you can explain the fascination and reason for why one would want to become a porn actress. How does the idea of selling your body for sex, being seen as just a pussy on legs, and not actually being seen as more than just a crude and degrading act, while having your face, body and name slandered with all sorts of innapropriate not to mention lude ccomments and words, be anything any women would want to subject themselves too?
Why can't we see more naked men being called filthy names, or at least being herded into advertising campaigns like women in skimpy outfits. If sex sells, then why hasn't anyone noticed that the biggest buyers are women and to therefore market their campaigns to women more?
I'm just so sick of feeling inadequate next to all these things. What happened to class and dignity and respecting a persons body? What happened to making people feel good about themselves just because they can as opposed to knowing that they'll be getting something back in return. How about we stop seeing such a friggin emphasis on bit tits and small arses. Why can't any body type be fine, given that we've come from a time when people used to actually embrace a fuller figure. Or just the female (and male) body in general? Why can't society learn to be happy with what we've got instead of always looking for a way to enhance, extract or gain more money? It's just so fukt how angry this country, this type of culture we have going on. For a country that's supposed to be all smiles and sunshine, we do a good job of stealing our thoughts from other countries as to how we should treat each other. It's pretty sad, but I'm so much more pleased to call myself english at times than I am australian. It's a real shame, or maybe it's just me, but at least the english have subtlety, class, and above all a respect of women, or at least the manners to pretend so.
Good night. Feel free to add anything else you might be thinking to this little topic centre.
Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm not usually like this but I have spent the past 2 years with a man that I didn't realise I knew nothing about until recently and his excuse has consistently been "but I'm a guy" and that's supposed to excuse everything, although by his logic I should have more shoes than him and I don't so you go figure that out. But I guess I have a lot of thinking, a lot of organising and figuring out what I'm doing with my life. I definately need to go to the gym as of tomrrow though, as eating my weight in body fat isn't cool and I don't want to pay for it that much by wednesday, which is about the time i shold be getting my haircut really short. I just hope to god it's an easy thing to manage as I really don't want to end up looking like a doofus. I might start doing a search now actually.

My life has been a shambles for the past week. I broke up with Scott on Saturday night after he initiated the whole thing by telling me that he thought he was fucking up my life and that I was in denial of the fact. I agreed with him and told him there was no more point to it. He didn't seem to care (as usual) but then ended up calling me back from a payphone to tell me he couldn't live without me in his life. Much as I didn't want to hurt him, he had a point and it had been going on too long not to. We seemed to sort it out - still broken up with - and then he ended up calling me during the day on monday to see how I was and all that. From our conversations over the phone he was seeming to take it well and was a lot more of a gentleman than I ever expected. He even asked if I was still coming to State of Origin, which at the time I thought was strange but didn't really read into it too much. Then on Wednesday night after having not seen him since the previous thursday, I felt it best t ask if he actually realised we had broken up, to which he replied "really? i thought we had gotten back together". Clearly where he comes from, "we're fine" means everything we've said previously and the whole breakup thing was just a joke.
No Scott, as far as I'm concerned I've been single since Saturday. Now the comment about State of origin seem to make a bit more sense! "We'll talk about it tomorrow", the same way we'll talk about the weather then, I guess. That pretty much said everything for me, ie. I don't fucking care, so I decided not to either, I WAS the one to break up with him remember.
Anyway so I get a call the next day from him asking when it was exactly that we broke up and that he'll come out and see me that night to try and sort things out. Ok i think, he's actually going to make an effort. Two hours later I call him to check what time he'll be there.. "oh sorry I'm not coming out. I have to get a haircut." Right, cool, I can see how your hair would be the thing your worrying about most at this point in your life. Ok, so I'm not going to see you ever again then? "Yeah, just we should have some time apart so all emotions can calm down". What emotions Scott? I broke up with your ass!
After agreeing with him, I would just like to point out at this point that I have tried to make this as painless as possible for both of us, but mainly him seeing as I was over the relationship about a year ago. But I haven't said anything nasty and I've tried to make sure he's ok in all of this. So after agreeing with him we hung up. But fuq that. i called him straight back and asked him if he actually cared that we'd broken up and he replied yes, but I'm just not good with confrontation and we should have some time apart to see how we're feeling (about what exactly I'm not sure). Right, so I'm basically not going to see you for a long time? "errrrrrr, well what do you suggest we do?" I'm getting shouted at now by him.
"You know, you're right, it doesn't matter". And I hung up on him.
I absolutely suck at relationships with people. ANY people. I have like 2 friends and the only reason I have them is because we have 1 thing in common (weed).
It's so screwed. There's just so much stuff that keeps seeming to happen that I just have no control over.
I feel like I keep losing a part of myself everytime I let someone walk all over me.
How do I manage to put my whole life into something to make someone else's life slightly better, only to have it all shoved back in your face and told that it never really mattered anyway.
Since going out with Scott I've become less of a "going out and having fun, enjoying music and life" to hating people, wanting to stay home on weekends, and thinking of life as just one big wrought. I've lost so many people that meant so much to me because I needed that companionship that I thought I'd get out of him. Instead I lost all my friends and turned into a hermit, living most of the time out in Fairfield. Even my relationship with my parents has gone down the drain. I'm honestly not cut out for this whole "life" thing.
The more and more I think about it, the better the idea sounds to just disappear from here. I know if I get out before it gets me I'll be ok, but how do I get out and how do I decide when is the right time?
I'm sure there are people out there who actually do care about me, but right now the furthest thing I feel from is loved.
I don't know what happened to me. I can see that I've changed so much but how do I get the old me back? How do I get the me that remembers always having thousands of friends, going out to cool clubs, checking out live bands, going out and drinking with my best friend Alicks and hitting on random guys. I miss it so much, just thinking that there was a time when I knew i was happy and had goals, and had friends that supported me, and I wasn't smoking so much that it's now the only way I can get through the day and feel normal, it just mkes me cry.
I hate me and I hate the person Ive become and the person I'll keep becoming if i just don't stop it all together right now while I can.

Hello!

Yes, long time, no speak.
It's quite odd that this is still around. Can you believe I've been doing this since 2002? Scary huh?
I feel i should write something profoiund and interesting but I really can't so, deal.
Life at the moment is not as exciting as I'm sure it should be and my brain doesn't work half as well as it used to, or maybe that's just the fact that i'm at work so friggin early. Who knows I guess.
Lots has happened in the past couple of years and I'm sure if I actually wrote it out in a chronological form it would look like a downward spiral, not something we want to have to endure on this website.
At some point, sure I will most likely let you in on what's been going on, but as far as it stands now, my head is in one big boggle and to top it off I'm turning 20 in a couple of weeks, and I honestly don't have anything to celebrate. And why won't people quit telling me I have to?

It's all a big con if you ask me. Why can't we decide the day we want to celebrate? It's my f***ing day right?

Anyway, I better get back to work. I was asked to open up and it's going to be another loooong day but hopefully I'll get to the gym as I'm turning into a FAT ASS! Ooooh yeah. Get to pay rent too, that should be exciting.
Have to get breakfast too as I'm starving and had a few cones before I came to work as Scott stayed over. Whoo!

Ciao

God i can be depressing sometimes. What's with that? I mean, generally, i'm a very happy cheery kinda gal and then BANG! i go downhill and just don't wanna get back up. I now have a new job and FINALLY band practice has started to get underway. All my friends are supportive of what i am and what i do and yet i just get these urges where i just wish that i never existed.

Well, the storm is on it's way
And now the drops fall endlessly
Until i change my mind and we all feel
Something for anyone

well, now my life has officially turned a new corner. Strangely enough i feel quite numb to it at the moment and am kind of in a limbo state between really happy and really sad...but then i stop and feel really lost coz it's like "what do i do now?"..even though i'm sure a lot of other people in my class feel this was about i think i'm more freakin out coz i've only just realised how much school meant to me..i kinda feel like kirten dunst in bring it on when that chicks says to her not to worry coz it's only cheerleading and she replies that she IS only cheerleading..i feel like all i ever was was school..that's me. i never realised how much i would miss it, but i better stop dwelling on it.

Yup, so school's out forever and i have no job...but in 3 weeks i'm goin o/s for 7 weeks so that should be FRIGGIN awesome!!!
cept that i'm totally gunna miss my friends and escpecially hymie and hori..but i'm gonna have soooo much fun over there and i just found out that i'm gettin a budget of 50 pounds a day to live on so i AM set baby!

what else? hymie and i are goin great, totally in love with him and it's been nearly 6 months since we got together, which i never expected to happen. however, freakin a bit that we're gunna drift apart now that i finished school and he's still there, it's gunna be harder to see each other, what with his parents being study-maniacs and me goin o/s and wanting to party in the next 3 weeks beforehand..but i'm sure we'll figure it out. i've nearly broken up with him twice but i'm finally coming to the realisation that guys can't read minds (and can be really stupid) and need to be told what the problem is so that they can fix. which is basically what i did with hymie and now all is good..i think anyway. he's gunna take me out to dinner soon and i'm totally looking forward to that!

also, i've been looking through the job section and i think once i come back from o/s i'm gunna defer for a year and work on a cruise ship for a bit. it totally looks like my scene and so i'm gunna get paid for doing something exciting and fun and also gettin experience and travelling! it's soooo cool!!!

anyhow, i wanna go tell hymie

love you all

Beth

can't tell you how much of a weird mood i'm in...lalala
choose not to think about yesterday and the huge fight i had with my parents...but DO choose to talk about how i have now OFFICIALLY slept with Hymie and i'm very happy and he used a condom and it's all good...now i just have to go on the pill goddamn...have agood one whoever is reading this..if anyone...love you all