i guess there is something inside of me that misses this. recording my entire life via the internet. i return to school tomorrow. i feel all these strange butterflies, even though i know these people now and they are not anything special. i guess ill have a hell of a story to tell though.
strange to think i tried so hard to escape pennsylvania. denial is a powerful thing. and i didnt realize how it pathetically blinds the vulnerable. and i suppose drastic measures are in effect for someone like me. ill admit i drove myself mad thinking i was actually missing out on something. and i had to drag myself all the way back to jacksonville to believe what i already knew inside. the thing about letting go is, you never really do. you just forget. or grow out of it. whichever seems to come first.
but i came home. yes, home. with a puppy named sharona. she is the light of my life. shes fearless, and dramatic and when she gets too excited she pees on the floor, but shes adorable nonetheless. and shes mine. everyday when i walk in the front door she bolts from the back room and does an appropriate dance with her little hips and swings her tail from side to side. i think shes just about the best thing thats ever happened to me. and if you knew her, you'd think so to.
im trying this new boy on for size. he fits just fine into my heart, i think. hes tall. and pale. and talented. somewhat the opposite of anything ive ever had. but he can beat the hell out of a drum and thats just fine for me.
oh. and im officially a penn state student. which is a miracle in its self.
ive been gone for little over a month. and well, i just hope the next seven fly faster than this has.
its cold nearly everyday. and when its not cold, it rains. the leaves are beautiful reds and oranges and yellows. and while the small town people and their quiet lives are cute in their own right, its not my cup of tea.
i think itll be okay, though. to live here awhile. im excited about the snow. and the perks of extended vacations like this.
however. i will be sad to be graduating with strangers.
so im listening to the soundtrack of moulin rouge. and remembering why i always loved it so much. its probably been at least a year since i heard it last. sometimes life seems so disappointing that you forget the reason you trudge through...or at least my reasoning.
love is a many splendid things, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love.
i was ten feet from the bus this morning when i got the inclination to turn around and run for my life. its only the fourth day of school, and senioritis has me by the throat, which is quite literally sore from the night before. my mother and i clashed for three hours until i buried my head underneath a pillow and hoped to pass out.
school is miserable. senior year is supposed to be exciting..the promise of the future hanging in the air like christmas morning. i havent been thrilled lately...the only thing im dying for is that graduation day when i sign off of childhood forever. or at least the legal definition of childhood. were all still so tiny in our minds..most of us confusing our maturity with egotism or ignorance. not a single one of us is "adult" in any sense of the mind. maybe wiser. maybe more humbled. but never complete.
my dad is flying into pennsylvania tonight. his eight hour interview is tomorrow morning. i feel more nervous than he does, i think. all it takes it one little offer. and my life in jacksonville is finished. most people tell me this is a good thing. a fresh start in a happier, brighter place. but leaving everything you know behind is frightening regaurdless. i think thats why people fear death..its the ultimate unknown. and what i know about my life back there was nothing extrodinary. i was seven when we left, and i havent looked back since. maybe it could be great. but maybe i will just come right back here.
im turning seventeen in three weeks. i think about it and feel sick. why cant it be eighteen? why cant this be over. why is life stuck in the same dull place. the same walls that have surrounded me for three years. i could just puke if i have to answer another prompt about "why i write".
looks like i can do little to stop it. change can be promising.
my dad had a rather successful phone interview with a hospital in pennsylvania. my parents have been back and forth with the issue of moving for over a year, and lately, i havent been taking much of their talk seriously. but tonight the idea transformed into a probability. and well, i was overwhelmed. a long time ago i was dying to get out of here, and part of me still wants it, but its hard to imagine transferring senior year and starting all over. there are a few important pieces of my heart that are hard to leave behind, too. its been my life for almost ten years now...the thought of change is hard to swallow. but everything happens for a reason i guess.
meanwhile. i went beach cruising till five o'clock in the morning last weekend. and the night after, played water volleyball well into the early morning. im going to miss this. this carelessness of time and space.
my mother has this picture of me on her nightstand that she placed face down this morning after i refused to go to church with her and my dad. i know refusing god devestates her, but then again, most of my decisions do.
i know i probably shouldve gone. but church does nothing for me. i have faith, but to sit next to my father every sunday and pretend that he isnt screaming threats into my ear every other moment of the day isn't worth it. i dont need to sit on kneelers for an hour to prove that i believe. of course i do, i wouldnt be alive if i didnt put my life in the hands of a higher power.
ive pretty much fucked the relationship between me and my entire family. i sat between sean and ryan at breakfast this morning, eating cold kilbasi and ham, when sean leans over and says "hah now youre the juvenile delinquint of the family!". i laughed, but i realized how prolific my parents children are. were all fuck ups, and they must be overwhelmed with failure. but i wish they knew it wasnt their fault.
truth is, i hate myself for breaking my mother's heart. i look at her and she looks back with bloodshot eyes. i know she cries when she prays her rosaries for me. i used to kneel beside her and pray for my brothers to "see the light" and now im on the other side of the bedroom door, estranged from her completely.
jordan and i always say that we'll never face this sort of thing, but i feel thats TOO concieted. were madly in love, and when kids do arrive, we'll raise them much more liberally...but rebellion runs deep through both of us, and whats not to say our children will be the ones to completely overdose.
if my kids ever say some of the things ive said to my parents in the past few days, ill shoot myself with rejection. the worst part is i cant say sorry.
im thinking that maybe school shouldnt be so...routine. i mean, i practically spent monday tuesday and wednesday in ross's car. and my goodness, did i miss the freedom of being anywhere in this goddamned city that i pleased. but still i felt the absence of my boy. the pain never goes away. i thought that maybe a day in saint augustine would make my heart stop throbbing, but pain follows you everywhere, and im starting to grow used to it. i live for fifteen minute phone calls. and between that is work, and class, and sleep, and the occasional moment or two i enjoy with my friends.
but im not too too sad. which is nice. i like the way i dont cry all that often. maybe its strength. or hope. something to that effect.
if only i could get through this.
but i like the way jess wanted me to teach her how to break it down on a chair. in fact, jacking ring pops from the do gooder's with imani was better, still. well. mrs leakes closet, really. and i guess its okay to make an ass of myself on the afternoon bus as long as kirby makes terry shiavo greeting cards.
ive seemingly abandoned el jay. i dont know why, but im too antsy to write things down lately.
and next week, a trip to almost-Callahan. ive never been to a correction center. but how different could it be? yeah. so thats not pathetic.
hypocrites surround me. i like the way that i can admit my sins. i embrace them, actually. its amusing to shock and awe people, because most of them are idiots.
"and even though we ain't got money, im so in love with you honey, and everything will bring a chain of love, and in the morning when i rise, you bring a tear of joy to my eyes, and tell me everything's gonna be all right"
awake
hopeful
terminally overwhelmed
accomplished
determined