Chronocles

If you didn't know by now (since Phasion didn't bother to tell you - someone's not getting a raise), we've moved over to Spacebook and might even be getting our own shiny new holoblog soon! But I don't know yet. We have to ask our tech guy and he isn't very talkative.

Oh well. For now you can check us out here!

Hello kiddies. This issue I'm bringing to you a review of the new holo Vibro. Yes, I know it sounds like a bad holoporn title, but it's actually a second rate horror flick that takes place in the underbelly of the seedy Coruscant night. Oooo, spooky.


The story here is that there is a killer on the loose and he kills people with his trusty vibroblade and cuts them up and so on. It's just like every other horror holo released in the past couple years that features a serial killer. One weapon, lots of different ways to die with it, stupid punchlines, you already know who the killer is when you start watching the holo full of little teenage squealy beings. It's that kind of flick.

The flashy effects and crazy lighting don't do much to help the production and one of the only saving graces is the a song by the Fasting Banthas plays over the credits at the end. That song was pretty much what woke me up and led me out of the theater grumbling to myself. That was my favorite part, by the way, during the credits when that song was playing. The creators of the holo might not know how to make good pictures, but damn do they have good taste in music.

Which brings me to the rest of the soundtrack. One of the only saving graces. Music by the Fasting Banthas, Flip Out! at the Nightclub, Yaboncee, the Green Tentacled Beans and last but not least, Huttlicious. The score is quite good as well -- so the score mixed in with tracks from all those hot bands... well, you can just lay there and listen to the music and the screams of all the tweens getting the shavit kicked out of them. Beautiful.

 Readers, this reporter usually never reviews anything, especially not books, but just had to this time around because my life has been totally changed by Blackhole. In this reporter’s professional opinion it is the most amazing series ever written by anyone ever. In case you’ve been missing out on the phenomenon here’s what it’s about.

The main character is this girl who goes to live with her dad on Dantooine which is obviously depressing, or at least it is until she starts school and meets this really mysterious but totally gorgeous boy. Anyway, it turns out he’s totally an Anzati; you know, that species that sucks your brains out and lives forever? Except he and his family don’t and he’s totally romantic and they fall in love and it’s beautiful. In the next book, Nova, you find out her best friend is a Wyrwulve and he totally likes her, too, but really who cares when you have a handsome perfect romantic devoted Anzati around, right? Right. Anyway the whole series is about their love, which is totally pure and epic and romantic and amazing. It left this reporter both depressed at the lack of perfect guys in her life and optimistic about finding her own immortal, romantic, tormented Anzati lover.

The best part? They’re totally making a holofilm of it! There have been reports that Face Loran is slated to play the Anzati’s dad whose also a doctor, but there hasn’t been any confirmation on who else they’re casting. Obviously this fine publication will be working overtime to keep you informed, considering how incredibly important this is. I mean, I don’t have too much free time because I’m rereading these books for the 4th time, but what I do have will be devoted to keeping you up to date, readers.

Recently, we reported on the Gamorrean Flu and I am here today to share with you another bit of news on something related.

We have heard from numerous sources that there has been a stash of something discovered in a storage unit on Fondor. It has been reported that the items in these storage units are small vats of a liquid that has been tested and contains harmful chemicals. These chemicals, when a living being comes in contact with them, kill said being and change their bodily functions after death, causing them to possibly be reanimated.

So you guys remember that hologame Reanimateds Ate My Neighbors...? Yeah, it's kind of like that.

Anyways, where did my caf mug go? Has anyone seen it?

(NOTE FROM PHASION: We figured we here at Chrono would post this retro article as a happy memory of Jacen Solo. Since we all know what happened with him recently. Ah, the Solo family. You never leave us dry of gossip and horrible news about you and we at the holozine thank you for that.)

Hey, hey. Word on the streets -- and the hyperspace routes too, I guess -- is that Jacen Solo is really popular right now. Maybe for all the wrong reasons, or hells, maybe even for all the right. But I got a chance to sit down and interview the man himself (when Ceev wasn't stealing him and trying to pry Jedi tidbits from him -- and scolding him. Make sure you check out the letter from the editor for THAT story). Here is the resulting product, which covers everything from the Force to his love life (sorry hopefuls!) ...


So Mister Solo, how goes life in general? Enjoying traveling and working with your cousin?

Life is... demanding. The life of a... Jedi is not one of rest. It's all service and sacrifice. However, sharing the journey and having the opportunity to teach my cousin is very rewarding. He's growing into an excellent Jedi Knight in his own right.

Is he going to live up to the Skywalker name?

Most definitely. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see him carve out his own legacy to leave behind.

Like what kind of legacy? The Luke Skywalker kind? Or the Anakin Skywalker kind?

Didn't Master Skywalker, Uncle Luke's, legacy begin with Anakin's? So I ask you how can put a distinction between the two. If Anakin Skywalker hadn't fought against longstanding traditions of the Jedi and not taken a wife... Well, we wouldn't be here today having this converstation. Don't get me wrong, Anakin Skywalker went wrong. Just not where the public believes he did. That being said, Ben will leave his own legacy. The details are unimportant at this time.

Hmmm, you present some good logic. Which brings me to the question... what do you think of all the publicity surrounding your own actions?

I understand why my actions are so controversial. I know it especially unnerves many people to see how closely some of my actions mirror those of Anakin Skywalker. However, I believe the results speak for themselves. At the expense of a few minor inconveniences to a relative handful of citizens, we've saved countless others from injury, harm, or even death. People say I'm wrong. Well, those people are alive to judge my actions specifically because I've taken those actions.

Point taken hopefully by all those people. Now, you've gotten the attention of many people. And I'm sure you have as many fans as you do critics. Have you noticed any positive attention towards you?

Oh yes. There's many people out there that appreciate what I'm doing. Several of those being members of the military and government that see immediately the positive effects of what I... we're all doing out there. However there's also several members of the general public, much like yourself, that see the direct benefits of these actions.

I'm sure more people will open their eyes soon enough. What about your close friends, what do they think about what you're doing? Do they think it's right?

Support from family and most close friends has been... reluctant at best. But those issues didn't start with the beginning of the Corellian Crisis or the activation of the G.A.G. Those roots started back to the earliest days of the Killik event.

Who were the ones who stuck by you through it all?

There were... friends... as well as some family that has stuck by me and remained close and supportive through it all. Ben is one. Mara Jade Skywalker is another.

You hesitated on friends. Family is one thing, friends who don't drop you for something like this have to be some serious... friends.

Yes. Very serious friends. And for those I'm... truly thankful.

Any names? Come on, we won't tell anyone.

It's enough to know that they're there and that I'm thankful for them. Greatly thankful. And now look at the time. I am very busy and all...

Aw come on, your fans want to know. On the subject of fans, I'm sure you and your cousin are followed by many female ones, hm?

I'm sure followed wouldn't be the correct term. I'm sure we have a fair share of female admirers out there, but Ben and I stay so busy as well as surrounded by squads of the G.A.G., we don't come into contact much with them.

So then what should we tell all your female fans? Should they have hope that one day they might be able to win you over and get your mind off of work? Or is there someone already filling that spot?

Let's just say that there is no hope. The spot is being filled in a way no one else can fill it.

Oooo, I take it you won't be telling us anything about the lucky one.

[Jacen coughed] Uh. No. No uh... no such luck there I'm afraid.

Alright, I'll move on to a totally different subject then. Your friend Tenel Ka -- we've been trying to get an interview with her lately but she's been so busy. You have any idea about the baby daddy?

[He coughed again and I found it very suspicious this time] No. No clue. I haven't seen her much since she became Queen Mother. [More coughs] Could I have a glass of Jawa Juice?

You haven't? You haven't kept in touch with her at all? I'm sure knowing a Queen Mother would be very helpful in the long run, like, what if you needed to borrow a ship or something? And weren't you guys like best buddies in your Academy days? And what? Juice? Oh sure... lemme comm the intern, hold on. [I commed a temp to bring him some juice, because I am nice like that]

Ah... We've kept in touch somewhat. We're both really busy people. And yeah, we were close friends at the Academy and we still are. But with everything we've all been through, it feels like it was lifetimes ago. I... uh... commed her to congratulate her on the birth of her child, but that was really one of the last times we spoke. Yeah. Oh, thanks for the juice.

Anytime. Well, it's good to hear that you still keep in touch with her. Chrono sent her a basket of spice after her child was born, cause we know how hard it is to deal with a child -- you know, Ceev, and all -- but it was perfectly legal, I promise. Anyways, last question, for all the fangirls that can never have you. Boxers or briefs?

You sent wha-- I mean. That was nice. Yes. Very nice of you all. Er... uh. Boxers. Mostly. Thanks for the interview. Can I leave now?

Yeah -- oh no, wait. Our editor wanted to meet you. And I apologize in advance for anything that happens in his office. But thanks for the interview!

Oh. No problem. Wait... It's him

Ceev? Yeah, sorry man. But he's a fan of Jedi, you should have nothing to worry about.

Oh, I know about Ceev. Let's just get this over with.

Hello, hello darlings. So I'm your new Reviewer, Rhia Minara. I took over for poor Phasion, who has soooo much else to do. Of course, no one told me I would have to attend a boring book-reading by some random senator, but hey, I get to watch holofilms, holoshows, listen to music, and go to concerts, so I'll take what I can get. ;) Anyway:

So while the governments were out warring, who was sitting in front of their holo watching the new hit show Jabbering Jedi? Dear gods, I never knew the Old Jedi Order could be so catty. And sure, it's not even near accurate, but who cares when they want something INTERESTING to watch.

The characters are so much fun, first off. We have our fabulous foursome: Lina, Kerya, Britna, and Tory, who have been friends forever, and all go to the Jedi Academy on Coruscant. Now, they used to have another friend there with them, who was Lina's best friend, Malsia, but she was whisked away to another Jedi Academy after her Master was killed tragically. No one really knows why Malsia was shipped off...but everyone assumed emotional stress or something.

But the truth was, as we found out last week, Malsia was totally getting it on with Trente, a fellow Jedi Padawan, which is sooo against the Jedi Order. Oh man, I was shocked. And even more shocked to find out that they wrote to each other all the time, even when Trente started to hang out with Lina and her friends more, making Lina like him too! At the end of the episode this week, Malsia walked in to the cafeteria just as Trente and the girls sat down.

Cue tension. Trente turns around, grins, stands to greet Malsia. Lina about loses it. Freeze, end episode. I stared at the holo forever, trying to will it back on. So many questions! Who is Jabbering Jedi? What is Lina going to do? If Trente and Malsia get back together, won't the Jedi Order just kick her out again? WHY WASN'T THE JEDI ORDER REALLY LIKE THIS? Why isn't it now?! Are they really like it and just hiding it from us? Those jerks!

Oh I can't WAIT for the next one. Seriously, if you guys aren't watching Jabbering Jedi, you're DEAD TO ME. And as every note from the Jabbering Jedi says:

You know you love me! ♥

Ok, galaxy, can we take a break for 2 whole seconds from being dramatic over the death of admittedly hot Jedi turned political leader Jacen Solo to focus on the more important issue at hand? And, no, this reporter does not mean what color she should paint her nails, although that is also a pressing concern. No, the current issue is the identity of the so called “war orphan” being raised by the Solos, Amelia.

Now, obviously, this is just a convenient cover story. Come on, war orphans are starving and dirty and rude, everyone knows that. Quite the opposite of the cute, well-behaved girl this reporter was lucky enough to get a holo of leaving the Millennium Falcon with her new family.

Equally obvious is the real identity of this child. She is clearly none other than the daughter of Jaina Solo and her missing in action and presumed dead boyfriend Zekk. The girl’s dark hair makes her father obvious, and we estimate she would have been born around the time Jaina and Zekk were Joiners and “coincidentally” rarely seen by reporters. Now that the love of her life is dead, however, Jaina has clearly been unable to deal with raising a family, particularly a child that looks so much like him. In her desperation she has passed Amelia on to her parents, although considering the Solos’ track record of screwing up kids that might not have been such a good idea.

Who knows what the future holds for Amelia? Her mother is currently a recluse, and, we suspect probably suicidal given the recent death of her lover and her brother Jacen. Han and Leia seem to attract trouble so the kid is probably totally unsafe and being dragged around the galaxy in some ugly old spaceship.

We, as a reporter can do nothing to help, only sit back and watch this unfolding drama with total fascination and keep you readers up to date and aware of the truth.

Greetings my fine readers! I, Ceev Starellle, am honored to be able to introduce you to two new employees here! Well, there more of interns right now, really, but we'll make them feel amazing by introducing them as employees!

We have our new reviewer, Rhia Minara (msminara), and our new Newsboy, Dimitri Ambros (dimitridialogue). I like to call him Newsboy because it is a fun word to say. And it also makes me picture him in silly clothes running around on the street trying to sell holozines and yelling out the headlines. Oh Newsboy! Over here! I WOULD LIKE A PAPER PLEASE. What? Oh, well, their first articles should be up soon (we do have some sort of deadlines here, and I won't hesitate to make an Editor Item on this holozine about FIRING ONE OF THEM -- SO GET MOVING) and I do hope you enjoy their special brands of honesty and truth and justice that they bring to their work.

Anyways, please make them feel at home, dear readers and other members of Chrono staffage, or I will be forced to punish you. And by punishing you I mean I will use my almighty Force powers on you guys. I will.

(Now go get me some caf, interns. I'm serious. Make sure you use my special mug!)

Starting their sixth galaxy-wide tour, The Fasting Banthas have become a universe-wide phenomenon. If you haven't heard of them, you're most likely living under some crashed meteor somewhere. And I mean that in the most unbelievable way possible, seriously. Where have you been?

Falleen lead singer Kraz Lencham leads a band of humans (humanoid in the case of percussionist Yeten Graa) -- and penned the lyrics for the song, Little & Lost, which is their first single off the new set. The music holo has been in heavy rotation on such channels as MHV, among others. The new songs were released for purchase in the last standard month or so and have been steadily holding their place on the charts the whole time. The new grooves take the classic formula of Grottian rock and throw in a little bit of funk, plus some added Felucian spice for good measure. They'll be playing each one of the new songs at every concert, along with some old surprises. And this is one tour you don't want to miss. You'll be up in the aisles dancing, although I'm sure Kraz dances better than you. Just watch him while he sings. It's creepishly hypnotizing.

Oh, and if you're sitting in the section closest to the stage, look out for when they turn the gravity off. It's classic.

Check the dates below and see if The Fasting Banthas are going to be stopping by your planet on the first leg of their tour!

Coruscant; 32/6 - The Outlander Club
Coruscant; 35/6 - The Vina
Coruscant; 01/7 - The Dancing Monkey Lizard
Hapes; 04/7 - Majesty's Fool
Corellia; 06/7 - Stripes
Corellia; 04/7 - The Pride
Chandrila; 05/7 - Jez's Bar
Tatooine; 07/7 - Mos Eisley Cantina
Mon Cal; 08/7 - Bubbles

More dates coming soon!