shut the fuck up and listen

it just keeps on coming....so this "friend" called me just now and wants to know why i haven't called her back.....um....because.....you only need me when YOU need something.....some sort of pick me up.....some sort of help......i need to cut them loose....NOW!!!!!! how can someone i don't see on a daily basis mess with my head so badly....omg i need to fucking move on

I really want to move closer to my parents....I miss them more than I can express....and if that means moving back to the east coast....well.....then we might just do that



oh and PSS......I love my boyfriend....I just wanted to end this on a positive:) he really keeps me grounded and sane! I thank the heavens above for that man.......

I am sooooo fucking tired of dealing with the same old BS over and over again......everytime I think I have gotten the need to have broken fucked up needy people in my life....I am WRONG....it is just that I have just upgraded to people that just seem to hide their crazy better...and then one day I wake up and realize that I am still in fact dealing with an emotionally needy.....selfish.....crappy excuse for a "friend"

I AM SOOOOO OVER THIS!!!!!!! I wish to FUCKING GOD I could figure out why in the hell I am still attracted to people like this....until I figure that out and FIX that part of me....I will continue to have these people float in and out of my life!

I wanted this one to be different....I really did....I thought I had finally made a new friend...one that I could hang on to for a long long time.....but no.....nope...no way!

I hate the fact that this person will not speak to me unless I address them first.....they make me feel like I should be the one to approach them and ask them how they are....how their day is going.....what are they up to.....they NEVER.....EVER......EVER....approach me and say hey what's up...hey how are ya....hey what are you up to......and the tension is FUCKING HORRID until I ask them how they are doing.....and if for some reason I decide that I don't want to engage.....they freak out and want to know why I am mad at them......WTF???? REALLY

I AM SOOOOO DONE...this is just one example.....I cannot continue this....all I want is a true friend that just wants to be my friend and is grounded and happy and fun......THAT IS ALL!

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK??

I am starting to think so.......

feeling better

I am sitting here crying......hurting......so fucking lost


I am broke.....I mean really really really broke


I am overdrawn on my account......I don't have a dollar to my name


I am TOO FUCKING OLD TO BE LIVING LIKE THIS

I am scared out of my mind.....I have no idea what to do.....I simply cannot find a job

nothing.......I look every fucking day.....all FUCKING DAY.....I send out my resume.....I go to interviews.......I do this...EVERY....SINGLE.....FUCKING.....DAY!!!!!!!

nothing!

I am trying so hard......so very hard......I am so scared....I don't have money for anything


wtf am I supposed to do?


I am so lost...all I want to do is cry.........

how do I fix this?

So my roommate Barb and I went to LA to see my friend Eric's art being displayed at a club....I worked with Eric at Suicide Girls when I first moved here and he is a doll:) His artwork is amazing as well.....soooo I decided to get dressed up and go out *gasp* hahaha

it has been forever....and I HATE going into LA with a passion....but we ended up having a wonderful time...here is proof that I actually went out and was social hahaha!

So the changes continue with me.....not sure what I am going through right now....but I am changing.....I haven't felt right in a couple of years....meaning...I haven't felt like the same Adrienne from a couple of years ago....not on the inside anyway.....I kept the old look for as long as I could hold onto it.....but it didn't fit me anymore....in fact it honestly hasn't fit for years......so I have been taking baby steps towards letting the old Adrienne go.....it feels good....scary....but good.....change is a powerful thing....I am thankful for it.....

I am moving towards a new chapter in my life.....a HUGE new chapter....and I am nervous....and I have fought it for long enough......I have hid from it and screamed and yelled at it to go away.....but it never went away.....I could feel it getting stronger every single day......so.....I decided it is time to embrace it.....to move forward....to stop looking back over my shoulder into the past.....clinging to the girl I used to be....to the life I used to have.....to the things that made me happy then......to people that no longer do me any good to hold onto anymore......I am a woman now.....with new wonderful things to discover.....new wonderful people that fit my life better now.....I have lived back there in the past for too long.....it has done damage to my present and I don't want to miss anymore of my life by looking back......I will always have fond memories of the past.....but I want to live in the here and now and start to make new memories.....I need to.....my present is beautiful.....a little scary....but beautiful.....

So.....I look over my shoulder one last time at the Adrienne I am leaving behind....She smiles and finally lets go of my hand she has been pulling back into the past with her.....she smiles.....and I turn my head towards the bright new light of the present....

and I smile

I don't care what anyone thinks of MJ as a person.....I think it is absolutely horrid to be making jokes about his death...or saying "thank God he's gone"....really?????? I am pretty fucking sure that at one time EVERYONE thought he was an amazing singer, artist, performer....legend.....NONE of us know if any of the accusations made about him later in life are even true....so shut the fuck up....give the man some respect...unless you were there in Neverland Ranch with him....you have no clue what went on there....people do horrible things for money sometimes....so you never know....yes MJ was a strange man....but he also came from a completely nightmarish background and upbringing.....I believe that one of the reasons he chose to be around kids all the time was because they were the only ones he could relate too...since he never had a childhood of his own...I think mentally he was still a 12 year old boy.....abuse can create many things.....but like I said....NONE of us know the truth....just let the man Rest In Peace and stop with all the nasty words

just my two cents

RIP MJ

HAHAHA....one of my all time favorite pictures of me dancing....they took the picture as I was swinging my head up....totally looks like my head is exploding....but it gives you an idea of how hard i used to dance:)