...and wash dishes, and cook dinner, and... think very hard about cleaning while staying up all night watching a new zealand television series from ten years ago, smoking too much, drinking, and playing world of warcraft.
i'm the perfect house not-wife. sure.
sadly (or perhaps not), it's actually my dream to be the housewife. yeah, i actually mean that.
...if only i could stifle my nocturnal tendencies. hello, dawn. ...again.
meanwhile i find myself lately thinking a lot about (and getting a bit stressed about) the idea of raising a child. because that's totally going to happen soon. sure. i'm not a hopeless fucking wreck or anything. *sigh* i'm trying to get better, right? but i really want children. i do. *sigh again*
...probably need medication. or maybe just learning how to start and/or quit things. not so good at either. or y'know... most things.
been generally drifty and depressed since i got fired from my job of almost 2.5 years, about three weeks ago. i need to contact my former boss, get my last check and my timesheets (if she hasn't gotten rid of them and doesn't decide to refuse them for spite), but i've been avoiding it, because i don't know how she'll behave, and i really don't want to have to deal with it if it goes poorly. i think not working has had quite a negative effect upon my sleep schedule, and my sense of purpose. i want to be productive, but i'm having a really hard time caring about even getting out of bed. part of me says "oh you have all this free time, you can get things done that you haven't had the time to do, you can clean and organize, you can actually work on real art, you can visit people, you can..." but the other part says "sleep is nice. you don't have to think when you're asleep. so you're awake? roll over, you'll be back to sleep in no time..."
i spent a week in tennessee a couple weeks ago. partly i went down for visits, partly to deal with storage space issues (nothing done there, ugh, too much crap), and partly to consider this idea i've been tossing around of moving back down and going back to etsu for art/education, because when it comes to either, southwest virginia (or va in general) has nothing much for me. after four days, i became increasingly depressed and homesick for blacksburg, which somehow has become "home." weird to imagine seeing anywhere in virginia as home, but... with my father gone off to arizona (as of december), and the realization after a few days that east tennessee is pretty much dead, and the fact that i've been with drew so long now that i can't really conceive being without him, it's just... not somewhere i want to be anymore. i'd love to go back to etsu- as a college for studying art and/or education, it's very appealing to me, especially knowing that there are some really awesome professors there, and that etsu just got a huge arts grant... but i don't think i want to live there again. it's really really depressing to be there. wonderful to see my family, and friends who are almost family, but ugh. being there for any extended period of time kinda makes me want to die in a haze of alcohol and self-inflicted mediocre stupidity. therefore i'm feeling kinda fucked in the idea department, other than maybe i oughtta actually do something with that algebra/trigonometry book i carted up here with the rest of my bookshit.
my 28th birthday is this coming monday. i plan on being in tennessee, but something in me is really lacking the urge to celebrate, friends or no. i physically feel my age- the result of being an asshole to my body for the last ten years- but mentally? i feel maybe 24. i'm inclined to believe that this is just a sign that i'm an immature fuck.
drew's alarm just went off at eight. he'll be up soon, and he'll frown at me and say "mrawr" and i'll feel like an asshole, because when he said i'd be up all night, i disagreed, and i hate it when he's right about my (lack of) sleep habits. doesn't help that i had intended to be bringing my car in to be worked on in a couple hours. grar. i suck at life. maybe if i get up after a couple hours' sleep, i'll want to go to bed at a normal person hour. except if i stay up after midnight, i'm not sleepy anymore, regardless.
and i'm probably going to run out of cloves just before my birthday. dammit. trying to convince myself that being around a bunch of non-smokers will make it easier to maybe live on a patch for a few days. we'll see.
(in the good news, i was pleased to find at rite-aid (after looking at kroger and cvs) a giant-ass bottle of my preferred brand of cocoa-butter lotion. "queen helene" is the only lotion i have ever encountered that is non-slimy-- i hate lotion in general for the slimy-factor. plus i think it's the kind my grandma used. cat (former coworker, damn i need to call her) said at some point, "am i racist for thinking it smells like black people?" to which i replied, "probably, but i think black people smell pretty great. there was this one dude i knew named sly who i always loved to hug because he always wore a leather jacket and black man + leather smells awesome...")
drained
hopeful
annoyed
amused