Last night, the drummer told me he loved me. Of all the I Love You's I've heard.... this one was the most beautiful to date. It was the first time I didn't stumble over trying to say it first and didn't dwell on my fear of it.
We were just talking when he came over after band rehearsal and then he sat on the bed. Looked at me and told me he loved me.
:)
This feels good. To be with someone who doesn't judge or question me, who loves all that I am, and accepts all my imperfections.
So out of the blue...it appears that I am once again a "girlfriend". Things with The Drummer are going quite nice. He's on tour with his band right now and every day is filled with pics from the road, emails, texts, and calls - all running wild with "i miss you's". This is all very nice and I'm actually crazy smitten right now with it all. :)
I had a show last night. A midnight show and I debuted my MJ cover - I Want You Back with a hint of Billie Jean. It was really well received and I feel awesome about it. We took crappy video of it and I'll work on posting it to my youtube channel this week.
E. is in Tennessee right now and I'm oozing of memories from my time there as well as jealousy knowing that he'll have the freedom to see more than I did when I was there. I so hope I can find cheap plane tickets in time to meet him there this weekend.
So...that happened. It's been a weird month. Weird in a good way. In a...hey, insanity levels are slowly lowering and reaching a nice plateau..ish..ness.
And, so here's the thing. 3 weeks ago I was having coffee at Peet's with a friend of mine when an old coworker showed up. This is someone I've always had a harmless crush on. He joined us for coffee and we caught up. There was some interesting glances and we exchanged phone numbers/emails.
A week and a half went by, I emailed him about my show... and nothing. I had decided he didn't like me and that we were just friends. And then he called. And we made plans to hang out on the 4th of July for my building's rooftop party. And it was all good...we were always really really good friends at work. And then we were watching a movie...and he held my ugly hands. And then he kissed me.
And...yeah. :) Turns out he's always liked me. :)
So...we're kinda seeing each other now. Nothing even remotely official about this. This is very brand new and we're just testing waters. It's nice cuz we're both extremely busy. He's in a band and they're about to go on tour.
But we have fun. And he's got reeeeeeeeaally pretty eyes. :) And he thinks I'm beautiful...which is so nice to hear. :) Cuz let's face it girls... it's pretty awesome when someone tells you that.
And we're both learning languages together...since we've both got the multi-linguist bug.
So, I finally had a better day. Last night I saw my good friends' band play. Came home, sat at the piano, and it all started to make sense. After doing some organizing, I felt pleased to see I have 7 active songs/themes that I'm working on. That made for a smile as I fell asleep. This morning. I was very productive in getting back to people and organizing my calendar a bit more.
I find I'm easily suffocated by stress and negativity and this morning...as I awoke...I felt the grip slightly loosen. (Grammar?)
E.'s back from his big camping trip and we had a lovely conversation on the way to work today. Gonna try to dinner with him in the next few days.
I've been listening to a lot of Gillian Welch and Beatles the last few days. Driving to work a few mornings ago, Wrecking Ball (by Gillian) came on and I nearly crashed my car as the song all of a sudden started to make sense with me. What I mean is - I was able to personally relate to it - and it was so relieving! This woman is such an inspiration to me, lyrically.
But seriously - utter relief. I felt like Gillian just stepped out of my car stereo, gave me a hug, and comforted me with words like "shh shh... it's all gonna be okay, now".
"The days were rough, and it's all quite dim, But my mind cuts through it all Like a wrecking ball"
I haven't used the word in a long time. At least - it feels like a long time. But I think I'm very stressed out by everything that's happening.
I'm getting sick again. I can feel it and it's making me very upset. I know what it is. I was on the road to positive awesomeness and then the last week hit me like a ton of bricks. Now, I have all these stressors arriving at all times and I can just tell - my body is soooo over this.
I'm so tired of the sleepless nights, the emotional badgering, and the constant feeling of frustration. I feel like a godamned broken record.
I'm just done. I find myself reduced to tears out of pure and utter frustration. I keep on trying to do the right thing and it's never enough. And now, in a move towards self-preservation - I'm being punished yet again.
I just don't get it. And all I want is resolution. But now everybody's an ex and nobody's happy and I'm left wondering what the hell just happened.
Cuz seriously - what the hell just happened?!?! One minute everything's all good - and the next minute everyone's lost their minds. And I guess for some people, the best way to deal with pain is to hurt the one who caused the pain.
I've spent the last hour first hearing "Three Little Birds" in my head and then actually listening to it through my speakers. It's done an insurmountable deal of good for my overall spirit. It's amazing how music can heal even the deepest of wounds. I've wanted my next tattoo to be a Bob Marley lyrics. This idea was scoffed once by someone wondering why I'd want the mumblings of a stoner tattoed on myself forever. But...I disagree. Regardless of his state of mind, Bob Marley had a lot positivity that oozed out of him. His lyrics are timeless and whatever state of mind he was in, he still created them and sang them with such sincerity - so much so that I find myself cradled in the arms of his music at this very moment.
The last two days have been weird. It's a constant effort to not let myself get sucked into the negativity. But, my support system has surprised me and suffocated me with love. It feels nice.
Saw Star Trek with Dnasty on Thursday. Holy crap - Amazing!!! As a trekkie I am 100% satisfied. :)
Still trying to deal with the D situation. Received some insight from a friend in the industry at a friend's birthday party I went to Friday night, and I'm feeling a bit better although - regardless of how in the right I am, there is nothing I can do if he doesn't cooperate. And the last thing we want to do is make a legal matter out of this.
My friend A. rode in the AIDS Lifecycle this week. It has been so inspiring to see her train and prepare for this that as we met her at the finish line, I felt just as much a part of it as she was. The finish line and closing ceremonies were ridiculously emotional. I was moved to tears several times just from being surrounded by so much positive energy. The support and the love today was off the charts.
Amongst other things including a final exchange of the goods with the Ex, this week looks to be borderline normal. Still busy, but normal. Dnasty'll be out of town the next few days and that'll be weird since we pretty much keep daily contact with her. But still - I'll look forward to the time alone to reflect and move forward. And to also clean my apartment. :)
My cough is coming back. This upsets me. Grrr!!! I refuse to get sick again!!!
My 10 year friendship with D.(male) is pretty much over. I always knew about his emotional instability and angry outbursts, but only in that they always we directed at girlfriends. Well, I guess I finally got some. After a business meeting gone bad in which he effectively killed a major opportunity, my manager and I called him out on it. He got upset and ended our business relationship as well as friendship. And, because that wasn't enough - has decided to hold the tracks of my demo that he was mixing HOSTAGE until we pay him for his time.
Hoo-fucking-ray.
This was just the drama in a nutshell. I've not mentioned the 2:30am phonecall in which he made the decision to end the relationship and told me that from now on I would only contact him through his attorney - a person he has yet to identify.
And then he defriended me on Facebook. I only mention this because of the absolute childishness of the matter. Oh, did I mention J. defriended me also? Yeah...2 defriendings in a 1 month period. JIlted and rejected with technology. How lovely. And sooo highschool.
On top of all of this - on the advice of friends (who are also lawyers), I called D. to appeal to him as a friend. His last email (that included his invoice) was pretty harsh. Full of anger and negativity. Also, at the meeting, it was the first time he had ever said anything negative to me or about me - something that angered my manager and myself. He was just very mean in an unecessary way.
I dreaded making this phone call. I wasn't sure why. I knew that the situation wasn't one that i wanted to be in. But also...as I sat on the couch staring at the phone for 23 minutes I started to feel what the rumblings of a panic attack. And as it got progressively worse, I realized why this call was so hard to me.
I forget sometimes that I was a victim of abuse. After seeing the potential of D.'s anger and knowing what it could escalate to, I was reminded of my ex-fiance's anger and the verbal abuse that I incurred because of it. My chest tightened as I remembered the many times he'd scream at me, an inch away from my face, calling me horrific things and reducing me to nothing. I never fought back. I'm not one to fan the flames. Unfortunately, my lack of reaction was a hit or miss - it would either make him stop or get even worse. I remember the worst part was that after he'd calm down, he'd never apologize and he'd always act as if nothing had happened. It was these reactions that made go on for so long without thinking there was anything wrong.
Anyway - my panic attack becoming full blown I realized how terrified I was at the possibility of being on the receiving end of another outrage. I prayed for voicemail as the tears welled in my eyes. And after I left the message I laid down on the couch and cried over the realization that after 7 years, the wounds of my abuse have yet to heal.
I don't deal with negativity well at all. The last 2 months have been wrought with it. FIrst with the mess that my break-up became and now this. I'm holding my head up high and totally seeing the positive in it...but it's still slowly absorbing. I know that everything will work out, but it still really sucks that it's happening.
Oh fucking well, right? Everything happens for a reason. Lessons will be learned. Here's hoping no more ugliness enters my life. i could really use a break.
And I feel like my body is trying to tell me something. Some combination of the coughs and sniffles is starting to resemble morse code/smoke signal like communication. My ears are perked and I am listening...
I get it. I need to stop. I need to take care of myself. Not just in terms of my colds...but in terms of life. I have not been in a good place lately. The break-up took several unexpected turns and I feel that with this horrific cold, it is my body's last final purging of all the distressful negativity I've been dealing with.
I've been focusing too much on pleasing others that i forgot how important it is to please myself. A day and a half before my 29th birthday...I get it.
I promise to stop, look, and listen. You know - someone once said that I never look back. And I don't think that's entirely true. I very often look back - our life journeys are full of incredible lessons and moments we should never forget. But, while I do look back - I don't dwell...and I certainly don't live in the past. That's for damn sure. Moving forward...that's what it's all about. Wondering what the next turn will bring...holding on to the tools I've gathered...
The aftermath of this break-up is very reminiscent of what happened after me and my ex-fiance broke up. Mind you - there are incredible differences and the one with the ex-fiance was dirty. maniacal, and wrought with horrificness. Still...I feel the need to breathe and it's all very suffocating.
I just want to sit in my own space, digest, and move on. What's done is done. No more drama. Time to let it all go and be rid of the negativity.
contemplative