Mistakes we never knew we were making

Ever find that song?

Cause I found one I really enjoyed---its for the best, by straylight run.
Anyway
I had this sort of revelation last night. It was about talking how sometimes it seems like life is way more work than it should be, and if there weren't the ounce of beauty there is, that sometimes it'd be entirely to easy to quit. But I suppose the mindset is a direct result of some fabrication of oppression I've created. As if I will be facing some tribune to dictate my eternity if I don't meet these certain goals I've set ( Be a doc, make money, [insert superficial criteria here]).
But then I have to realize that there are no rules to life. I can live it how I want. If I wanted to grow up to be some couch patato who spent the day eating pizza, drinking beer, and watching reruns of 90's sitcoms, I suppose I have that option. Theres no one to answer to if thats what I really want. But its hard for me to do that. I haven't thought for myself in so long that I'm afraid Ive lost the talent. I only know how to feel what people want my to feel, I only know how to want what everyone else wants for me. And its a rather scary experience. Sometimes Ill be saying something and find myself suddenly confused, because Im not really sure why Im saying that. Theres some nagging of me, some vestigial part of my psyche that remembers what it was like to be me a few years ago. And this near-extinct conscience reminds me, and lets me know when what I am doing,or saying, or thinking, or aspiring to is wrong. But regardless of whatever emo-esque revelation I admit to concerning to this matter, I realize I have no recourse. How do you learn freedom of thought again once you've lost it? Is there some online course I can take or a book I can buy full of step-by-step strategies and even examples of test questions? I doubt it. I suppose its some internal quality I have to, once again, develop for myself. I have to learn to live for me. people who think Im great, only think that because Ive forced myself to conform to what they want from me. but its hard to break out of this shell. Living for someone else gives you some sort of a comfort zone. You know which confines you can act within and you know how to act. This element of randomness is removed as you can see your path laid out before you several years in advance.

The mind-altering effects of music are amazing.

I write sins, not tragedies.

Ask anyone you know that subsequently has seen more than 1 movie with me and they will tell you Im not very critical of movies. I like 'em all for the most part. So trust me when I say this:
Unless you're trippin' balls, drunk off your ass, or, like me, have a very flexible sense of humor, do not go see Ultraviolet.
True, Milla is hot, and half the movie is centered on her posterior (which I think is because the director realized how horrible the movie was) it doesnt make up for the 625 I paid to see the movie. I wont say the acting is terrible, only that the writing was pretty bad.
So if you liked Ultraviolet, well you probably didnt so I feel no need to provide a disclaimer

The only reason I enjoyed this movie was because I laughed half of the time and the other half of the time was listening to my friend quote some internet movie.
"What the fuck is this shit?"...."What are you, some kind of ass?"
Guess you had to be there.

Keep in mind my spacebar is broken.

Drama where there shouldnt be drama. Cares where there shouldnt be cares. And everyone's the enemy. Everyone is wrong, so they say.
So I say. So she says.
Thats the pain of it really, things bothering when they shouldn't bother. Some meaningless care occupying your emotions.
I suppose I ought to grow old, start acting my age. I think thats my next course of action, next plan. Don't know if I can do it. I'm mature for a 13-yr old. Act like Im 15. Thats an inherent problem to a lack of childhood, I suppose, I'm still trying to live it. I think you've noticed that, though. My advice was good when I was 14, but now it doesn't consider what you need considered.
Even though their young, so many people are so much older than I am. Than I want to be sometimes.
I dont know how grow up, though. And, I suppose, the desire isn't entirely there.
I know why, though, I'm not so oblivious to the world I can't look at my own life. Its the place I'm at now, its the place I was at before. I know this. Doesn't hurt my point that I'm not the only one with this problem. But I've had 6 years of stagnated growth, not 1 or 2, so where does that leave me?
You're right, don't even have to say it; theres no answers you can really give me, so why am I asking you?
I don't know, maybe I'm hoping that since you, most of you, are removed from this environment, and have grown up, now that you're the adult, you can give insight. No, I don't suppose you can. You don't even know who you are, thats true. I never know who reads this, let alone who it was meant to be read by. Of course, thats a lie as well, theres always some nagging in the back of my mind of who I'd like to read this, who I'd like to grace me with their insight.
I guess for me, its easier to talk to someone, than to a journal. I suppose thats all it is, though, a journal. An orgy of words, as the icon says.
Can't hope for much more, don't know that I'd want it anyway.

If you know me...

You'd know I love to make you laugh. That if even if I had to rip myself apart if only to get a smile. Id degrade myself so completely if only get you to laugh.
Although I suppose thats a charactersitic most wouldnt be aware of. My words of melodramatic when made to the masses...to say the least.
Surfing through the pictures of the past, I cant help but feel some overwhelming sense of change. Is it wrong that I wish that change never came. You could say thats why I am the way I am, why I am where I am. Constant life. Even here I experience it, same friends when others seem to make new ones. Still do the same things, and go to the same places. Complain about the same old thing, have the same things bother me, get insecure over the same things. Hell, I still get nostalgic over the same old things. I'd hardly say different faces. Same addictions. Just a different skin.

That terrible feeling that his life is flowing out...and you cant do anything about it.

But I suppose the years don't ever stop coming, people don't stop changing. Childhood crystallizes into Puberty, which promptly hardens into adulthood. Booze replaces koolaid. And the times they keep on changing. Cowboys turn to city folk. Urban life takes on the rural. Someone mentions the winds of change...not to think that change could be as predictable as the wind.
The maggots still munch on the corpse of the past. Skeletons that stay in the closet.
And still we look into those closets, and there they are, staring back at us.
No, no, no...not us. I apologize for speaking on your behalf.
So as I stare into my melodramatic mirror, I talk to myself.
This life is not poetic, nor a symphony, or whatever else you might call it.
This life is life. Live it.

They made me do it.

I dont get it,
Why is this
http://cgi.ebay.com/Frank-the-Bunn…
so expensive? Let alone the remainder of the costume. Granted its a cult film, I wouldn't expect it be widely popular, but it seems like Id be able to get the costume for less than 100 dollars.
I suppose Ive never been one for spending a lot of money on a costume, so far ive spent a total of 6 dollars on the one Im wearing this year.
But I thinkd I pay a healthy sum of money for a good Frank Costume.
Aspiring artists and designers, rally to my call! If only life were a comic book.

Weekend here I come...

This week is over, and I thought it'd never end.
THree GR week (four if you count Swimming) granted, some people had more, but still, all three sciences, Physics 215, Bio 215, and Organic Chem. It was kinda killer. Im exhausted. But I cant go to sleep. 7 hours of CQ tonight woo-woo.
Tomorrow I head out to Stanley's Canyon for the camping trip. I was hoping to go to the Dunes but due to financial constraints and other problems (such as not having a car) Im going to a place within "walking" distance.
Should be fun.

(no subject)

I think im a Zombie movie buff.
I now own 6 movies about the living dead (about a third of my collection), and have a list of several more than I want. Its kind of sad, I suppose. But oh well.