<3

My heart is still bleeding for Nick.

I hope that one day I can again send and receive such deep, passionate love like I once did before. It feels like everything since Nick's passing has been a joke. However, even when he was alive I remember wondering if I could ever love again so deeply.

Why is it that the ones I'd like to be in a relationship with don't want it back? I've been craving intimacy and romantic devotion beyond sex lately and I've just been pacifying the whole situation with hedonist, temporary pleasures.

I do enjoy the freedom of college but I've come to realize that there will always be dozens of guys trying to fuck. Hundreds of people trying to party. I don't know why I chose to narrow my opportunity to these groups before, because now I see that they're everywhere.

... Nick commented on my last post. Some of his few last words ever inscribed over the Internet will now be eternally connected to my livejournal. Why was he looking at it after so many years? I'll never know but that's okay. I will always love him.

I'm in a weird transition in life now. For the past semester I've been in a paralyzing depression that dampened my energy and spirit. I blame this on finally realizing Nick's death, due to working less and having much more time to reflect on life. Also, I've been down due tO the progress of my addiction (per usual). Well, a couple of weeks ago I got fed up with my situation sO I did everything I could to change my external lifestyle factors to make it better. I quit cold turkey off my methadone programme (which I will delve into a different time), pampered myself, branches out with friends and men, etc. I guess these efforts worked for the most part but I'm not sure. I'm now in a complication once again, as I've fallen for a taken man. Ah well, it could be much much worse. I'm not used to the sober life. Dying from withdrawals and insomnia still, day 13.. I can't wait till this life is easier. <3

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

 I finally saw Nick again and had sex with him that night, Friday December 17th. It meant so much and was so surreal to me that I cried after. The whole time he seemed vacant though and didn't seem to share the passion that has building up in me for the longest time. Maybe it's because he's found better in life, or maybe it is only because I betrayed him by hooking up with a lot of his friends. Since then I've texted him every day trying to hang out with him but he doesn't seem that willing. I have been really pushy because I love him so much, but he doesn't seem ready for me to latch onto him again. He told me he wants to "take it slow", but I really don't see how that can be done when we fucked the first night we saw each other. So I don't know what else I can do. For now I'm just gonna go back to playing mouse and hope that he comes to chase me. If not, I have a lot of other guys lined up. So that's the deal on him.

I've been chillen with Marc every day and that's an amazing thing. He's truly become one of my best guy friends. Best thing of all, I introduced him to my Farmington best guy friend, Mike, and they of course hit it off and I have now bridge a buyer and seller relationship. But beyond all that.. things are going great. Still smoking a lot of weed and doing my thing. Shitttt... just checked my PNC account and saw that I overdrafted. FUCK. Going to bed on that note... Peace.

 I thus far haven't done dope since my birthday, so that's a great thing. I got over my last painful withdrawals the day before my birthday. I don't know what it is, but I feel like my withdrawals have been getting worse as my addiction has progressed. Since being in college, I have still been on dope on and off, with 1-2 week opiate or benzo binges with a following recovery and smoking week or two. It's been a crazy roller coaster, but I've still managed to achieve As on exams and do what I need to in the meantime. I've met SO many great people.. On November 1st, I counted 40 something contacts from Western. It's probably around 50 now, and I can't get enough. :] I LOVE COLLEGE.

 "You are a wonderful creation. You know more than you think you know, just as you know less than you want to know." -Oscar Wilde

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain

"Make each day your masterpiece"

"You start with a blank page... you start out with nothing there. All you have to do is visualize it and if you believe it's there, it's there. I think that's what keeps you young, always being in deep water, and not becoming complacent." -Quincy Jones

The past month has been awesome. I've established an awesome friends group, done well and have attended all my classes, and over a series of epiphanies, decided to change my major to Public Relations. I got off of 3 people's shit lists and have been doing my best to be a responsible, mature adult. I've grown a lot this month. 
Last week sometime I woke up feeling just amazing. I thought about my life and all of the great things I have going for me. I eat at the cafeteria 1-3 times without a meal plan; just the most amazing, generous friends. Whenever I need a place to crash, there are always people who have my back. And I remember back in Farmington, it was pretty much the same.. I have such supportive people around me, I really owe them the world.
One of my epiphanies was Saturday night.. I went out to party with a whole bunch of Bigelow peeps and had an awesome time, but somehow I left my coat/hoodie/KEYS at this apartment so I was stranded without keys outside of Bigelow, layin down at the table. So, these kids walk by and see me laying there so they let me inside and chilled with me till my people brought me back my keys. It was awesome.. people I don't even know were totally looking out for me when I needed it. People are good!

Another epiphany I had was Tuesday in my Business Enterprise class. I hate that class so much... I hate the environment, the teacher's tone, the homework style, the subject matter, ALL OF IT! So I was bitching to the kid next to me, all sleepy and tired at 9am, and he after telling him about what I am actually passionate about, he suggested I look into Communications. I couldn't keep my mind off it the whole class. I HATE business, but I want a universal degree I can get a job with! So, after class I researched Communications, and today (one day later) I met with two academic counselors and now have my classes planned out until Spring 2013 for my PUBLIC RELATIONS major! Yay:)

So, overall, things are great. I'm still bringin in the money and livin' it up! Things are going great!:)

 Stu broke my heart.

 my body is sinking into an undertow of relaxation. tomorrow is my move-in day to western and I should really sleep, but it's difficult with so many dynamic emotions running through my tranquil actuality.

I just got back from a 6 day, 5 night retreat to Kalamazoo. I stayed with Stu and had an amazing time. We did a lotta different stuff and I fall more for him every day. I'm so glad we started talking again this summer. He's a really positive influence on me, in a matter similar to but even more positive, exclusive and special than my relationships with North people. I almost don't understand how someone could tolerate all the bullshit I'm tied to and actually want to be with me, but regardless, I'm grateful as hell to have someone like him. I'm really trying to mature and drop all of the bad habits I have developed in Farmington over the past 8 years. In college I'm going to:

• Refrain from doing any drugs besides weed (which I'd never quit)
• Maintain 3.5gpa minimum
• Be more mature/"Be the bigger person" ..didn't do so well as my New Years resolution the first half of this year, but there's still 5 months left to work on this.
• Free myself from any kind of constrains I placed upon myself in high school!
• Unclutter my living space and my life

Plus much more. But yeah, things are going great. I'm stoked for school to start.

A lot has changed! I took a long much needed vacation, and now I have been working all week and hangin out in Farmington. 3 days at Western, 4 days in the U.P, 3 days at my dad's Lake Michigan lakehouse, 2 days at a State Park Campground off Lake Michigan, then 3 days at Western. Things have been awesome for me. I started chillen with Stu again. I just always get positive vibes off him, and he's doing really well and is a fun person to be around. Also, JESSIE MOVED TO VIRGINIA. I feel like I'm gonna be the loneliest person on earth for the next 3/4 weeks I'm here. :/
But yeah, shit is good on many levels. I'm content.