I forgot to give a lovely update on my new health/diet plan.
I started at 249 and after about 6 days of the diet I am down to 245. A whole four pounds, I am excited. So the prospect of getting to 170 by April seems more plausible now.
For allowing my self to be lulled by my moderate to good luck and so allow fate to slip in and screw with me again. Once again I've harmed my mode of transportation; not to the point of being un-driveable, just to the point of messing up her face :(.
For not striving to find time to go and see my beloved sisters. I miss you terribly and I read your jurnal and miss you more!! I'm sorry, I love you.
For lacking the motivation to carry out what I want.
Lately I have found a strange new fondness for those structures that I pass every day that are as of yet still in progress; especially in the night when their work lights are on, but usually only iluminating one floor. The I beams and concrete and exposed wires, I have found a certain gentle feeling as I pass them every day, and oddly enough it saddens me to see the walls start to come up.
I'm not sure why this feeling has come of a sudden.
Perhaps it is the fact that my life is as of yet still a work in progress. Or maybe to be more specific, I am yet a work in progress. Though I am trully comfortable in my skin, I think for a time I had let myself settle, and so become stagnant. This is simply not the way of life, change is an every day occurence in ones life. What walls must I tear down to open myself to change once again, what is there in me that I do not need and which could be holding me back - these are things which I must ponder on.
There of course is another aspect of the unfinished constr, the work in progress; the building of something wonderful. I can say that I'm happy with where my life seems to be going now, though there are still some things I wish to work on, maybe that sums it all up right there...hmmm interesting how that comes out in the random writings *smiles*.
I guess this is the percise reason I should update more, becuase I have so much to say and this will end up being a relativly long post I fear, so I'll put a cut in so it doesn't take up too much space on your f.p.
Well sisters, I have found a new possibility in my life as it goes on.
I'm not going to say that I am unhappy with my job, it is a good company, but it is work none the less that sticks me in an office all day. For those who don't know, the career counselor at A&M sent out an email for job openings all over the place, and I still get them. This last week I happened to get one that made my head spin and my hear skip.
I would love more than anything to be out on the blue water of the great mother ocean, she calls to me in ways that make me wanna sing. This paticular job would put me on a ship as a ... well I don't know what to compare it to. It would be alot of maintaining paper work for crew and port calls as well as keeping notes on meetings and incidents that occur. My main task this week off is to re-vamp my resume and write up a cover letter to send out to them.
Just a warning to y'all, if I do get this job, I would be incommunicado for 3 months at a time, but I would be off for the next 3 months.
I have to admit that given the current economic situation I'm skitish about trying to change jobs, but...this just sounds so wonderful!
So I read some where that it is good to reward yourself to holding to your diet/fitness plan, but not to do it with food. Just because I have been doing well doesn't mean I should/need to eat something bad for me [which in retrospect really isn't all that appetising, its just familiar]. So I have devised a new reward system, or atleast part of one.
Every two weeks [in accordance to my pay checks] if I think I have done well with my plan thus far, I will reward my self with a new CD, preferablly one that is fun to work out to. My first one will be one of Pink's Albums, haven't decided which one though, and I'll go from there.
So I got paid today, no big thing, happens twice a month on the same days, no biggy...or so I think. What I always do when I get paid is take out all my bill/loan/rent/grocery/gas/savings money so I don't spend it, again no big thing...except...I realized about an hour later that I had a bit more than I usually do after I take all that out, so I go back to look. What do I discover but a 2.5% raise!!! Its really not that much, its just $30 more on each check, but when added to the year, come to find out I officially make $45,000 a year. And Oh My Lady I am excited! We had been warned that there was the possibility of some people not getting raises due to the economy, but just that $30 makes it so much easier to breathe it seems.
In all reality I could actually stay in my current apartment feasibly...but I'm still moving...but that is still a nice bit of knowledge.
I have heard the words, seen the lights and even felt the cold of snow on my cheek but the feelings of joy and goodwill have been forced with me this year. It is probably the fact that I worked up to the 2nd to last day before the holiday, and what hurt me worse was realizing that it was Yule and I hadn't even realized it because I was sitting there at work once again. The tedium of it saps the life and feeling out of many things, despite the time that I get off. More and more I think that owning my own business, despite the hardship, will be my eventual happy ending.
You know I have even thought about having a botanical store of my own, to go along with my garden I will have. But the Bar is ever in the background of my mind. I thought today, that with the possibility of Gambiling coming to Galveston, it would be a great location for my bar!
You know my lack of holiday good spirit could be the fact that I do not get to spend much of any of it with my sisters, all of maybe one full day when it comes down to it. This year I fear we will not have the bonfire and roasted apples, my time seems to seep away with out my ability to stop it.
Tommorow I will be meeting up with some friends here in Fort Worth and hopefully it will help to aleviate the tedium of where I am now.
I have found that the exact thing I predicted would happen being with Rich has happened. I knew that, being around some one with his particular personality, I would be come just as lethargic, just as dispassionate. Well, that's not completely true, I have not lost my passion, it has simply been buried under my general laziness. From this point on, I'm going to change that.
I have the feeling that this year will be the turning point in this relationship; either a more perfect continuance, or a matter of moving on. I'm not yet willing to leave this behind, the only time I am unhappy is when I'm unwilling to talk to him about whatever problem I might be having. That has always been a problem with me, but I have been pushing myself in to correcting that flaw! I have no wish to change him, or 'train' him to be different, that is not my personality. I will honestly say that I am as of yet undecided on this front, I'm not sure if I want this to work out or if his lack of passion is going to drive me out and away.
When I speak of passion, it is not that of the romantic variety, but rather simply a passion for life. I am not a particularly romantic person, sure I like a nice dinner sometimes, or simply attention. On the other hand, I consider my self very passionate when it comes to life in general. I seek out the beauty in every aspect of it, well almost every aspect, I'm not particularly interested or impressed with humanity as a whole currently. Rich on the other hand can be summed up in a simple phrase: 'I don't care.'
So my goal in the next few months, well make that goals, is to do the things that I love, and do them with all my heart and soul. If those don't suffice for that passion I need in my life with him, then my decision is made and I will leave him before either one of us gets hurt.
I found a small place on the island that is a good price and will give me as much space as I need, which in truth is not much. I plan on getting rid of a lot of stuff, furniture in particular, as well as random crap that I never use, much less need. The more I think about it, the more I like it; it is on a a quiet road, just on the outskirts of the historical district with a quiet neighbor. A perfect place to reassert my silence of the soul, another thing which I have not been able to regain of late. My goals include an earnest practicing of my Craft, starting my potted garden, and going to the beach at least three times a week.
I fear if I allow my lethargy to continue, I will get stuck in a loop of simply living and not loving it. My hopes are that in doing these things that my mostly perfect man will fit perfectly into my life. If not though, then I'll simply move on, hoping that I can retain a friend even if I loose a boyfriend.
I would like to reassure my sisters, who tend to worry very much about my welfare [which I love and am so grateful for], that I am happy, there are just times where the lack of passion [and at the moment, lack of space] drives me a little out of my head.
Sometimes we are stupid, and those people who are trained to charm the credit cards out of your pocket books win. I went to the mall [Lady bless me I don't know why] ... well I do, I had to get some christmas presents for family =P and ended up getting just the one before I escaped from that escapade.
Shall we start at the beginning.
So I walked in looking for the William Sonoma, the only store I could think of getting a gift for my mother at [coincidentally I did not find one fore her] and coming to an intersection I hear yelling and screaming and general insanity. I wonder if there is some kind of disturbance, expecting to see a bevy of police man and some degenerate. Instead I find a large [HUGE] group of adolescents and maybe 4 or 5 adult supervisors. A couple of thoughts cross my mind; perhaps it is a school choir [oh dear] or maybe a youth volunteer program [gag me] but no in fact it seems to be a thrice damned field trip to the mall. Standing at the map trying to find my store, my sight goes red as the flood past me screaming and giggling and grating on my nerves....All I wanted was to reach out and grab one of them and strangle them...Breathe!!!!
So we mostly get past that...though I still hae to wade through their random masses, and get on with my shopping. I found nothing for my mother or brother-in-law and so I'm heading out trying to figure out what I'm getting for my niece and the perfectly most horrifying idea comes to mind: Libby Lu. Does any one know what this is?
It is a store filled with random pretty clothing and jewelery no suited for public, in short it is down graded stage gear, far to shiny and girly for me. From what I understand though, my niece enjoys dressing up and getting into her mothers make up. So with hands staunchly shoved into my pockets and looking less than friendly I find my way into the shop...horrifying images of sequins and pink everything flooded my senses. In the end though I waded through it and found her a make up kit that she could use as opposed to her mothers, so I ran away as quickly as possible.
But I didn't get away fast enough.
Half way running down the isle to find my exit, avoiding the kiosks as I went, I was alas not successful in said avoidance. One woman, full of spanish charm, roped me in with a facial product. Suppose to tone your face and make your pores smaller...why did I listen...
I bought it =(...and yet I even tried to return it but low and behold, you can't return things at the kiosk...BS...but I learned my lesson. To top it all off this $55 product, which is marked at $150 is CRAP. Thankfully, I have enough in my account currently to cover such a freaking waste and still buy a few more presents as well as go out with my sisters, or stay in with my sisters.
