i love you. and not... not in a friendly way, although i think we're great friends. and not in a misplaced affection, puppy dog way, although i'm sure that's what you'll call it. i love you. very, very simple, very truly. you are the epitome of everything i have ever looked for in another human being. and i know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. but i had to say it. i just... i can't take this anymore. i can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. i can't... i can't look into your eyes without feeling that... that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. i can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. and i know this will probably queer our friendship, no pun intended, but i had to say it. because i've never felt this way before, and i don't care. i like who i am because of it. and if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. but god, i just... i couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. and, you know, i'll accept that. but i know... i know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. all i ask, please, is that you just... you just not dismiss that. and try to dwell on it for just ten seconds. there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person i am when i'm with you and i would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. because it is there between you and me. you can't deny that. even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that i'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me.
i fucking need a better life with better people in it because i can't stand this all by myself. i never fucking sleep anymore and i'm sick all the time. i've never been this "generally annoyed" before in my life. i'm constantly in a bad mood. and then bring on tonight, why don't we.
i thought high school was hard. really. but this is so much worse. the amount of work and the stress of it all and just everything piling on top of everything else is just impossible to deal with. i fucking hate this shit.
i wish i had the support that she does, that they do. i wish my own boyfriend cared about me as much as he cares about his friends. i wish i was that important to someone that they would have the time to talk to me about how i'm feeling, because lately, life hasn't been so great. and i don't need anyone to feed me lines about how things will get better or to give me advice on how to change things around. i just need someone to sit down and listen to me vent and cry for a little while, and i can't even get that from the people that say they give a shit. i want to yell and scream and choke on my own throat from crying so hard. i want to lay in bed all day and do nothing anymore. i want to just feel this for now and get it over with because i don't want to feel this neglected again. i don't want to feel like the people i trusted once aren't there for me when i need them. i need to feel like "i love you" still has a meaning.
i wish you'd pay attention, really. that's what i want.
i'm running on caffeine and motrin and a bowl of cereal once a day and a sandwich for dinner. i don't sleep. i don't do my work. i have a test in less than six hours and i haven't the slightest idea what it's on. the kid that asked me out twice called me "flabby" the day before break. my friend called me an evil psycho bitch. maybe i am, but i have good reason. maybe if someone gave a shit enough, i'd be a little more pleasant. i want to be home. i want to lay in my mom's bed and cry and sleep and that's it.
sixteen more days? until you can see your friends. fuck it if you're going to pretend you're more excited to see me than to see them. it's bullshit. if you gave a shit, you'd hear me out every once and a while. the world doesn't revolve around you. i don't fucking care about what some girl i've never met said to you about the homework assignment i'm never going to do for the class that i'm never going to take. i'm sick of listening. i'm sick of doing something for you that you won't even do for me. you won't even fucking talk to me on the night that you don't have anything to do for once, on a night when i really needed someone to talk to. instead you spent your time comforting other people. that's fine and all, go for it. you have your obligations as a friend. but you have other obligations too and you don't fucking meet them. you just don't. this is about you. this is about how you just don't care and about how i'm fed up with it. this is about how i didn't need this. not when i have enough to deal with. not when things are already shitty enough. i didn't need this to be the icing on the cake, but congratulations. you did it.
could you tell me the next time that you're choking? cause i'll run right over to shove some dirt right down your throat. it's nothing i have against you, you're just a creep and you can't remember the last five years. what's a bond if it dissolves in water? i took a piss that lasted longer than you and your manipulations. i called my mom last night. she said, "sweetie, you don't need someone who's more fleeting than fall." don't you love those leaves? don't you wish the orange stayed forever and crickets sang in the night all through winter? and i thought, slow down. think of all the times this jerk has fucked you up and left you down. and hey, i choose my company by the beating of their hearts, not the swelling of their heads. besides. i'd rather forget the days we spent than try to stay afloat in shallow water.
i really love when i think someone is a good friend and then i find out that they secretly wish they could just get away from me when i'm around. they figure that they could live without me. four fucking years wasted on someone that could have given a shit about me if they hadn't been so self-absorbed. too bad i decided to give a shit about them. too bad i thought they were one of my best friends. i really don't believe in best friends anymore. i really don't. what the hell is a best friend that can stop talking to you in a second? or a friend that hangs out with you all the time and you think you have fun with but goes behind your back to tell other people that you're just annoying and a waste of your time? i'm not a bad person. i could be the best friend anyone could have. so just fuck everyone that thinks differently. you're all just assholes. you don't deserve my time.
if you even THINK for a second this is about you, it probably is.
how dare i think that for a second i could find comfort being with you? how could i think that i could stay friends with you now that you're not obligated to see me? i'm a fucking idiot. and i can't believe you would think that saying something like that wouldn't get back to me. you're a fucking idiot, too. maybe we're closer than you thought.
i don't want to speak to you again. i don't want to see you again. if i do see you again, it will be in a public setting with more than one other person and i will know the entire time that you're only there with me because you have to be. friendship isn't what i thought it was. friend is just another word for obligation and you're just going to be the best friend i've ever had.
i'm glad you're mature enough to talk directly to me instead of just writing livejournal entries about me or having someone you hate write an email to me just to ask me for some soda bottles. grow some balls and stop pretending like you're life is better now that i'm out of it.
- this weekend mostly sucked + me and my toaster oven have a loving relationship - me and my heat gun have a very unloving relationship + i took an awesome shower last night and it made me feel really really clean. + i've been listening to awesome music all weekend - i sorta suck at not crying randomly. - i miss someone a lot - homework is stupid. - tots are graduating soon - i could have worn a skirt tomorrow had the weather forecast not been stupid. - my cellular device is gone. - i need my back cracked really badly and i can't do it myself. - work sucks. + anna's a psycho and it makes me smile. + french seventies disco pop music makes my life better. + my cat can balance on my hand four feet in the air. + justin made me a cave out of boxes + edison has a picture of me wearing a flower pot stand as a hat. - my dad left to go to katonah to sign a check four hours ago and still isn't home.
