It'll be another sleepless night,between writing and thinking about other things I don't know how I ever sleep sometimes...heh...
I know that time has its way of changing things,but I didn't think that things would change this much in less than a year.Almost a year ago,everyone knows the story,I started going through the worst depression I'd ever gone through.I started drinking because I was convinced that it would help me feel even the slightest bit content.It made me feel numb to all of my feeligns and I liked it,thats why I kept doing it.It pissed off a lot of my friends and they stopped talking to me for a while.I knew I deserved that,but then I found out later that it wasn't the only reason they shunned me from our once awesome group.Apparently I was accused of talking shit about someone who's been like a sister to me for years.And instead of talking to me about it,she shunned me even more wanting nothing but an apology.I would have gladly given her one if I had talked shit on her to begin with.Her boyfriend was the one to tell me and he blamed himself for us not talking.It wasn't his fault.You can quote me saying that if you want,I was never jealous of him.He never came between me or her or ruined anything we had.We did that to ourselves.So,when that all came out into the open everything went back to how it was.Sort of.I wasn't drinking much anymore,it wasn't something I was willing to give up though because I couldn't let go of that numb feeling.Yeah,I know it pissed off a lot of people,but if you had to wake up every morning feeling broken apart and mangled like a fuc king pretzel...you'd want some relief too.unfortunately,my relief was alcohol.I realized how stupid that was when I video taped myself pouring my heart out to my first love,several months after we broke up.I watched it over and over and saw how pathetic I was being.So I stopped.It bothered me that my friends got pissed at me because this was a decision I made for myself and they should have just respected that and let me alone...I know they had their comments,I know they talked about it behind my back.I'm not stupid.Only two of my friends bothered to help me a little with the drinking.They let me do it but made sure I didn't over do it.Granted,I shouldn't be doing it but they understood my feelings and didn't want to get in my way.I thank them for that.My drinking issues aren't the only thing I'm thinking about.In my heartbreak I secluded myself from my friends because I've been told in the past that they don't want to hear about it.Although they used to say that if I ever needed to talk that I can open up to them with no problem.Confused? You should be.I was so I didn't talk after a while because apparently I came off as "Annoying" and "repeatative" I know I was,but if you ask me whats wrong I'll tell you.Not talking about it made me worse but I didn't want to be "annoying" or "repeatative" anymore.So I closed myself up.I regret that because now I'm not even apart of my friends lives anymore.I work and I go to school.That's it.I hang out with two friends.Two friends that people don't want me being involved with...and sometimes I agree with them.All I have is them and,call me greedy,but I miss the way things used to be.I miss being able to hang out on fridays and watch movies,walk around aimlessly,talk about writing stories and making movies and how great thigns will be when we get out of this place...I miss that so much...talking about spirits,theories,heaven,hell,the apocolypse,life,death,immortality,avaoln,our huge family,how many people we've married in the last month...everything.I don't want to be a loner anymore.I see them sometimes,we pass eachother on the street,talk sometimes,we're all too busy.But even before that,when I was alone,they could have called...I know I called them sometimes...I could have called more I know but...they could have called.I see them,happy,hanging out whenever they can,they're still the awesome group...I'm just not a part of it anymore.I'd tell them but we're always busy and never see eachother.No I'm not being sarcastic.So I hope no one gets offended by this rant.I only say that because I seem to offend a lot of people with my opinion.But please see where I'm coming from.I've lost so many best friends...Bridget,Shereen,Donna,Boyle,Caron,Krystin,Sarah...even Nikki and Bonnie...I hardly see Remy...
I never knew what happiness was until I lost it.Last year,I didn't just lose my first love,I lost a whole lot more.It just took me longer to figure that out.
numb
crushed
satisfied
exhausted