For some reason I have been happy for the past two hours. A sort of placid joy that flows out of me & into the surrounding rooms. I think that I might like ______. I'm not going to overthink it or try to rationalize any of it. I shall simply bask in this ebullience while it lasts. Partly I am joyous because I've been pretty good about my restriction & exercise. I haven't eaten after 7 PM since Sunday ? Maybe Monday. The strangest part of it all is that I just got my period Thursday afternoon & it has not affected my mood. It is sick that I like that my period might actually detract pounds ? It will be replaced by more blood, but hopefully I will shed some water weight. Although I always feel so dirty when I have my period, so sordid & soiled. Soon I will rid myself of this bothersome occurrence, but for now I will bear it. Tomorrow, or today since it's 12.30 AM, I am going to find the perfect dress & pick out flowers. What shall I do for Mother's Day ? BAH. Whenever I think of him I smile. Is this a crush ? The beginning of one ? Or nothing at all ? He's such a nerd, but it's adorable. He is 6 ft. 2 in. tall (10 in. taller than me !) & he swims =). He doesn't party, he's nice & well-mannered. Why do I find him so endearing ? Whenever I'm around him I feel like such a bad influence. He knows that I light up, drink, & have kleptomaniac tendencies. Oh, & that I hooked up with his best friend ? I take it back, I feel like such an awful person next to him. He's so wholesome & I'm . . . not. I just wrote a significant portion of this post about him. I feel like this indicates that I am at the very least infatuated with him. If I truly do like him then this signals the end to my non-crushing period. Blegh, I will stop talking about him because I feel like I am turning your brains into goo. . Two weeks until my gw must be reached. I am running short on time. Everything has been pushed up & I need more time. Ten pounds in two weeks ? It's possible. Have any of you ever gone on a successful fast ? How long did you do it for & how much did you lose ? I'm thinking about going on a fast. Fuck, my dad's coming home. shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit. How am I supposed to get away with fasting when my dad is here ? He fucks everything over for me. I have issues with my father. Mostly he just annoys me to death & treats me like I'm seven. Also he's such a Jesus-pusher. Every time he calls me he always brings up God/Jesus at least six times ? He doesn't have to convince me, I already believe in Jesus. MARGH ! My father makes me want to pull out all of my innards. Lovely picture, isn't it ? I'm sorry, loves. I will find a way around my dad & his insaneness. I was reading my friends page earlier & I kept smiling when I read the entries about people screwing up. It's not like I'm making fun of them, it's more like it makes me feel so good for not screwing up. Does that make sense ? I feel empowered & superior. I actually kind of hate feeling better than everyone, because I am far from it. Gah. I shall take my leave.
So ______, the guy who asked me to prom, likes me. I do not know what to do about it, I do not know how to feel about it. It's just awkward right now & I would really like it to not be awkward. AUGHHHH ! He's sweet, cute, intelligent, shy, athletic . . . Ugh ! Too bad I really liked him last year, but ended up hooking up with his best friend instead ? My life in a nutshell. What to do, what to do. I feel so guilty/pleased/annoyed/elated/uncomfortable/I do not even know. Today I did not want to go to prom with him. It was just so awkward being with him & EVERYONE mysteriously knows & they keep telling me how cute it is. Gaggggggggggggg me. People seem to think that this is a precursor to us . . . dating ? & they keep asking me, bombarding me, "Are you going as just friends or . . . " I refuse to deal with this. I would much rather run away from him, but I feel so guilty. I am trying to be really nice to him & talk to him, but I'm trying to figure out how I feel. He's really innocent & dislikes going out, so I think it'd be hard to date him. Don't think about it, don't think about it. . Okay, new subject. I am trying to lose around ten pounds in three weeks. I felt so faint after school, it was perversely thrilling. I abhor working out, it is too much work & sweat. Perhaps I will just walk around a lot. ____'s grandmother had a stroke & she's in the hospital & I want to console him. Love. I have this overwhelming urge to just sprawl out in some sun-dappled meadow with some guy's arms wrapped tight around me. Just laying there & holding me & occasionally kissing me on the head. Sometimes I feel like hugs hold me together. I am falling away, just bits & pieces here & there. Strawberries are a burst of delicious perfection. I want to skip over all the formalities & just be so comfortable with someone. I am gradually making less & less sense.
I will shot my nose off if Prom is truly the best thing that ever happened to me in high school. It seems like lately the only thing that people have been talking about is Prom. Dresses, limos, dates, dinners, after-parties, money, tuxedoes, photographs, groups, etc. Well I have something to add to the mix. Do not groan. I apologize for imparting these banal details with you, but I feel the urge to so I will. I have a date to Prom who is actually the person that I wanted to go with, & he asked me (I have this thing about asking guys out for . . . anything). I am searching for an adequate dress & also hoping to lose a gazillion pounds. There. That is all I will say about it until it has occurred. . Modernism. Bleh. Virginia Woolf makes my insides bleed. Picasso is an entirely different story. I thoroughly enjoy modern art, but the stream of consciousness shit has yet to appeal to me in any way. I expect to glean some meaning from the books that I consume, & I disapprove of Modernist authors making me suffer through incredibly lengthy sentences just to prove that they can write incredibly lengthy sentences. Woe to me. . I have just taken my first belly dancing class today & it was a workout. This is embarrassing, but I feel obligated to share this with you: I was rasping, panting, pleading, for air & hydration. I will definitely continue with this & see if it helps anything. . Is it strange that I sorely desire to break up with my best friend ? No, we aren't going out, but if we were I would break up with her right now. She has been getting on my nerves & she's kind of arrogant. *sigh* Also, I have this overwhelming sense that she has always been this way but I have never noticed it. She is an extremely charismatic, intelligent, charming, popular, pretty, & entertaining person. Once you get past all of that you begin to realize that she only talks about herself & how much X, Y, or Z LOVES her. Plus she gets away with the craziest shit. She didn't register for courses for next year, but she spoke to her counselor & he got her into all of the classes she wanted to take. This pisses me off because she doesn't put any effort into anything important, but she manages to manipulate people into doing it for her. My friend ______ applied for some AP courses & didn't get into a single one. My best friend _______ didn't apply to any & managed to sidle her way into two. It just seems so unjust. I feel like she should suffer some repercussions for her actions, but if she does they are always minimal at best. Arghhhhhhhh. I am going off to stew.
Recently I have read "Siddhartha" by Herman Hesse, which is undeniably one of the best books out there. While I am not Buddhist I do feel like this book rings true, which is kind of what makes it such a phenomenal book. I find that we rarely have time to just exist. Go find a nice sun-dappled spot outside and just focus on your breathing. If you are patient you will be able to discern the fluttering of a bird, the footsteps from the street over, and suddenly you begin to mesh with your surroundings. I have been strangely happy these past two days. I am thoroughly enjoying this change. I suppose that it is a bit unexpected that I would like to be a monk, except without the whole Buddhism stuff. Quite a contrast to my daily life & lately I have been . . . grasping for some meaning, or rather some tangible form of meaning. You may think that I am loopy, but I do not care in the slightest. I am discontent with the direction of my life, which is inexorably centered around college. This entire business reviles me & is driving me to discover something of real importance. I highly doubt that being able to do a few tricky calculations should be the goal in a person's life. Thus I have concluded that these scholarly endeavors are proving to be quite futile & I have decided to untangle my object. What is my object ? I haven't a clue, but I will enlighten you as soon as I do. All I know is that some things resound with irrevocable credibility & everything else just falls flat.
First off, I would like to thank you for making me feel like less of my failure on my last post. I've been pondering it & while it is true that the SATs are to make money for Collegeboard, I also know that without good scores I will not get into the college I want to attend. However, I am not obsessing over it like I was when I wrote that post. Onwards to more pressing matters. Last Sunday I purged for the first time in around a year. I loathe, loathe, loathe, that deathly cycle of b/p & I got into it last year but I managed to pull myself out of it. Plus I hate having this horrible escape route & I always feel like it didn't get out afterwards. I haven't done it since last Sunday, but I want to be extra cautious of not slipping again. It was also really surprising how easy it was. The first time I did it I kept chickening out & gagging, etc. It feels too natural, it comes up too easily. Today has been going really well so far. I'm eating slowly & really tasting each bite. Prom is coming up in May & I don't really want to go, but I do want to lose at least 15 pounds by prom. Does anyone have any suggestions of where I could find a really unique, not too girly, dress that is priced well ? I've been considering making my own prom dress, but then I realized that I can barely sew, let alone whip up a couture worthy dress ! I am a hopeless mess, but at least I will be thin.
1900. My entire being, my essence, my intelligence has arrived packaged neatly into one string of numbers: 1900. This basically translates into: Candace is an idiot, do not let her into your college. I am retaking the stupid SATs. I HATE them, & they hate me. 1900 ! Fucking 1900 ! Ever since I broke the news to my parents they have been talking non-stop about the SATs & how I need to do ALL the practice tests possible. My mom even said, "I'm sorry you did so badly." & " you did terribly." So now I am stupid. Can anyone help me ace this test ? I want a 2200. Ha, like that's likely. Stupid 1900. I will forever abhor this number.
Lately I've been having a bit of a crisis/revelation, maybe ? As I've mentioned I have . . . . gotten a bit voluptuous & bemoaning my lack of self-control. I've been trying to get it back for around a month & a half now & suddenly it is back. Between figuring out my life (summer, college, SAT II's, AP's, course selections, etc.) & my enlarged figure I have had an amazing event. I am back. Not just bits of me, but all of me. While I am still honing my restriction skills back to their previous glory, I have already seen a difference. Today I prevented myself from eating this mound of chocolate that was waiting for me & I definitely cut down on all of my bad cravings. By May I want to be in the 110-118 range, preferably lower of course. I also want to write a poem, but I am desperately lacking the time. Anyways, I just wanted to inform you of this & wish you all luck ! Oh & my subject line was inspired by the book "The Butter Battle" by Dr. Seuss, which is about the Cold War. I've just realized that it could be construed as being tied to my ED-nos, but it's not. I really like "Oh, the places you'll go !" by Dr. Seuss, there's this one part that I am in love with. Too bad Dr. Seuss was racist. Okay, I am done digressing. Hopefully I will actually meet this goal on time & not turn into absolute lard ! Btw, what are you doing this summer ? I need ideas.
Blargh. My weight keeps fluctuating ! FUCK. Somehow I've grown extremely FAT, without even noticing & now I have no idea how to fix it ! I'm going to a party tonight & I'm trying not to eat too much, but I've already had like 4 slices of banana bread today & some yogurt & muesli. Also, I have no idea where I'm sleeping tonight, because I refuse to come home drunk/tipsy. I'll probably end up crashing at ____'_ house, but she's not even invited to the party so I have no idea how I'm going to swing that. I've been stressing out over projects, tests, SAT's, SAT II's, college, AP's, etc. I will not tell you how much I weigh, because I am too embarrassed to utter the numbers. All I will say is that prom is coming up in May, I've committed to going, I do not have a date, & I'm too fat to attempt to try anything on. My goal is to be at least 120 lbs. by prom. I thought that eating breakfast was supposed to boost your metabolism & help you lose weight, but it's only made me gain weight. Garghhh. I give up on trying the semi-healthy diet way, & I am returning to glorious restriction starting right now ! It can't be this hard to get thin, can it ? Sometimes it seems like an insurmountable task.
Yesterday morning I jammed myself onto a crowded bus in order to get to school and I ended up standing right next to this obese girl who's on my swim team. Except she's not really, because she is incredibly slow, but Coach is nice & allows everyone who wants to join stay. And it was strange because I began to compare myself with her. I saw how her legs ballooned up and out, her stomach, etc. The one thing I kept thinking, over & over again, was "At least I am not that large," but I also got this creeping feeling that if I stayed stationary too long I would expand infinitely. I've been feeling like this a great deal lately. As if one more bite would instantly grant me ten extra pounds of lard. In a way it's good, because I've been working out more & being more careful about my intake, but it's also bad because I'm driving myself insane. I know that I'll keep pushing it further & further. As of late I have been eating almost like a healthy person would, which has added on weight because I've botched up my metabolism. I can feel myself slipping back into my eccentric eating patterns & mindset, and all I feel is relieved. Finally, I am back. Yet shouldn't it be the other way around ? I take comfort in my meticulous measurements & obsessive calorie checks. Do you find it harder to like people who are chubby/overweight ? I do. My friend recently lost like ten pounds the healthy way & I've started hanging out with her more, talking to her more, etc. She was never even chubby. It's one thing to hate myself, but quite another to hate others. Should I despise people for not having an eating disorder ? Clearly I am the worst friend. At the same time, I feel like I am being to accept people as they are. Not the morbidly obese types, but the healthy, slightly chubby ones. I'll take this as a sign of improvement. . I'm going away Thursday to Sunday so I won't be posting this weekend. Hopefully I will be able to lose weight on this trip. I'm considering not eating, but it will be way too conspicuous. Anyways, I just wanted to update & wish you all luck with your first week of March !
I know I've been the worst about posting, but I have a legitimate reason this time ! This snarky girl I go to school with mentioned something about ". . .Livejournal page . . . . .thinks she's so disordered . . . .of course I'm notifying her guidance counselor . . . . .Ha ! She'll be sent away . . ." She HATES me and I only caught those snippets of her conversation before she saw me staring at her and her friend & then she just lowered her voice & whispered incoherently into her friend's ear. So I got really paranoid & decided not to post & hoped that she didn't tell. It turns out that she was talking about some girl who got pregnant and thought she was depressed etc. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still here & I will be posting more often now. Things aren't look that great weight-wise, but it isn't terrible. I tried to fatten up in case the girl told on me then I could be like, "Clearly I am a whale." Grrrr . . . all for nothing, but still, I am extremely nervous now.
