alisa you need a pep talk. you are killing this before you even meet. you are such a freaking pussy. man up dude. call the fucking bastard. don't be all, oh shucks call me sometime. call HIM ok? do it. if anything just prove it to yourself that you can do that. i know what the deal is, you want them to do the work, make the first move, to prove to you that they won't dump you.
well lets look at the evidence. he approached you first. you threw stuff out there that you thought he wouldn't really like but you were being honest and he has emailed or called every day, well every day he's had a internet connection. ok? got it? he gave you his phone number first. he called you twice. he wasn't mad that you didn't pick it up.
but it's all on you now. you can't puss out. Remember TOM? he was very into you. and you fucked that up and you do regret that. I mean, so what are you afraid of? rejection? well, if you reject them first....they are going to reject you! remember chad got up and left bc you didn't make him feel wanted there. and shit, they can get up and go at any time. be real about it. remember what chad said about that guy? his plan was to get them all stoked on them and then he has her in his pocket. you know they can disappear at any time. and it's not 'don't give them a reason to' as in be a door mat. more like, stand up for yourself when you are upset but don't take shit personally. like that day he didn't email or call? your head was saying all the right things. don't take it personally.
don't over think and just do. it's as simple as that. be brave. take a chance. you aren't made of glass. it will hurt really bad if he rejects you after you meet, but you know his loss. but you can handle it. and what is the alternative? you'll just be back to where you started. and where you started just isn't that bad. ok?
so you think he's too good for you. why? why is he better than you? ou haven't seen HIM yet either. you have a belly and a fat face. those can go away. you have a fake eye and you accept that. you don't like your breasts. fuck it i love my body. it's got its minor flaws but think of all the great things you can do. you are strong, pretty flexible. and you are womanly and curvy. you are not the convention of beauty that is popular today. you are more traditionally beautiful. pin up kinda of beauty.
now get up and take care of business and then call the fucking bastard. ok? ok! do it. stop thinking about it.
so friday night was ok.i mean i talked and hung out w/ a dude from portland for awhile. but i abrutely left after he said. "i have a girlfriend" what? what the fuck? i mean seriously. number one, casually drop it into the conversation eariler in the evening. no. 2. what kinda girl do you think i am. i don't know i think i did fuck up asking what part of town he was in but i also think that was more on the lines if it was on my way home i would drop him off. fuck i wasn't drunk but i was i don't know not sober. i probably shouldn't have driven home but sheesh I can take a hint. but i have this phone call on my phone. its probably an apology for leading me on but seriously fuck you. just like jeff. i mean do you really think i'm that bad off or care that much. sometimes its just nice to have company. i'm a realist.. i know you would probably not even talk to me if anyone else was even around. fuck. i mean he wasn't even my fucking type and i really wasn't all that attracted to him...if at all really. meh. fuck it you know? i know he just took my number to be polite. what eves.
but this brings up a question. do i really want a relationship. i think yes i do. that situation friday doesn't count. it was fun. it was fun seeing a band and what not. just forget about it. who the fuck cares. its not that i don't want a relationship per se. i just don't want a mediocre relationship.i'm pretty cool w/ being single. i mean i have it pretty good. i got things to do and see and whatever.
but dude, i need to work on myself. i need to establish a look a persona a more confident sense of being. i want to be...i guess one of those girls that takes care of herself and can be tough and what not but you mean and you just want to take care of. like marily monroe. i meanl i can kind of see myself a little. i AM NOT LESLIE!! OK? i mean you are you. what is good for other people isn't for you ok? you are punk rock. i don't know. you'll get there. just fucking work on it!! lose those 30 lbs. youe will get so much faster, be so much more confident. you'll be a man eater.
i'm not sure, but i think it would be a good idea to keep a more up to date journal about my journey right now. i'm really feel i'm transforming. and i think that i need to keep it on the postive tract instead of the negative.
today i just feel useless and bad, how much of it is not much sleep last night, this lingering headache and the meds i took to get over the headache and the fact i drank too much yesterday, i don't know but i need just just move on. it sucks that you didn't go skate today, but hey, this is a brand new week and you are going to take control of it and really do your best to put a good foot forward. i think a good goal is to go to mondays darlins practice and fridays league practice and fm on sunday. and then fm and b-town next week.
i really like how i feel sometimes. my legs and hips are thinner and my waist is coming down slowly. i know i feel thinner than i am right now. but that is good. i can imagine how its feels to be thin and that is so important in visualization i really need to visualize myself svelte and trim. sleek and lean w/ muscular curvy lines. like someone out of the sixties. you need to visualize taking the world by the throat and just crushing it and bending it to your will. in work, in derby in everything.
esp at work. if you had the confidence to just go out there and nail it, go and do it. project an image. a swedish dominatrix image that just kills it on the get go.
derby...strong tough and lean. hit hard and hit often. balance balance balance. you have a lot of time to work on this and you are going to fucking plow everyone away at draft bc you are going to work longer and harder and more often than everyone else. this means you try and skate 4 times a week AND get to the gym 3 to four times as well. this might mean going to lift weights at lunch on some days. the same days as practices. and this definitely means NO MOTHER FUCKING DRINKING! you from now on have a three drink maximum limit. 3 MOTHER FUCKER!! you don't need any more than that. and you can ONLY have it on social occasions.
reward yourself with the occasional brunch at bar g in the morning and have some breakfast w/ a mimosa and a irish coffee. but ONLY IFYOU NAIL YOUR FITNESS GOALS for the week. got it?
YOU NEED TO BE MORE EXPILICIT IN your fitness goals. and you really need to pay attention to your energy levels . you just don't have the energy right now and that means you need some protien shakes, some vitamins,
take your vitamins and get to bed at 10
you are going to get enrolled in idp and kick that bitches ass and you are going to get your paint on!!!
enough fucking around. DO THIS! DO IT NOW! get your role models together and fucking get a scrap book or something and put them in it and keep track of progress!! think brody think gwens stefani,
you have to put the time in. you have to use each hour of each day. no more lounging watching the boob tube. walk odin, get up early. walk to work, take care you re shit be INTERESTing.
booze are just getting in the way. use booze to celebrate victory! accomplishments. DO NOT USE IT just to past the time fuck that shit. savor life . take care of it and be happy!! get this bitch done!!
allllrighty boys and girls. time to get serious. i'm going to go ahead and abstain from drinking for one month...though labor day weekend doesn't count and well, i need to be really careful about what i do drink.
1. calories. toooo many. 2. the way it makes me feel. i don't get sleep and feel like shit and well, you know the drill. 3. i can not do moderation it seems. therefore i must just avoid it. 4. money costs wayyy to much in every sense of the word.
i want to look fabulous and be fit. and i want to be a roller derby queen. the one thing standing in my way really is the drink. fuck it man. its just not worth it to me anymore. i'm done w/ it.
and when you are disenchanted w/ something its easy to give it up.
i need to kick it up a notch w/ derby. this week try try try to make it to both the darlins and league practice. don't be a pussy. fuck. remember you don't have to drink w/ dan and his buddy. have one at dinner and one at the modern and just fucking quit. have a soda or....just tallboy of pabst. thats all. you do not want to be too hung over not to go to the gym on thursday.
to list for today 1. gather up clothes and iron. 2. wash sheets and blankets, 3. grocery store? 4. go to the gym your choice, swim or weights. 5. clean bathroom and kitchen. 6. vacuum bedroom. 7.watch mad men!!
Well i musterd up the courage to go to the darlin's practice. it was fine. there were only like 8 girls total and three of them are kind of fresh meat. i gotta go tonight to fm practice. i just don't see this draft taking place before the end of august. two team practices and two fm practices is kind of pushing it. plus a league practice on friday? yeah...maybe by the end of sept which i think is way more realistic bc i'm looking around at the other fm and really not seeing anyone close to drafting. i don't know though there are some girls they were talking about i guess. i don't know. i guess i shouldn't worry about it. mia said do what you can. try and go on thursday. don't puss out now, keep the ball rolling. don't even think about if you really want this or not. you HAVE to do this. i think you will really enjoy it when you get over that hump. just like w/ lifting and swimming. you just need to concentrate on being the best skater you can. you are never going to be unless you practice, in a group doing blocking and skating W/ others and fucking accerlating. speed speed speed. you are at a huge disadvantage w/ only one eye. but you can do this. think about how good it will feel to glide thru , bob and weave, hit hard and skate away haha. just turn your mind off and react. you biggest problem on monday was your nerves. you werE skating scared and just overthinking.
man i have to say that i'm kinda agitated today. maybe its the realization i have to skate four times a week for the next three weeks, maybe its the mountain dew i drank after lunch. maybe bc i feel like poo.
i don't know all i know is i'm looking forward to some sleeping in action on sunday. and its good to be up and out of the house on sat and to make myself go and buy supplies. otherwise it might not happen. so go get b-fast, go get supplies, go skating or work out aftwards, all done before noon. gives you a chance to do laundry, walk odin and veg out a little before going to tuongs party around 5pm. and dude if you just feel like chillin and staying home, fucking do it. bc you HAVE to go skate 4 days next week. its a big deal but you can do it. remember you are doing this to test yourself and to have fun and meet people. and well, to get out of your comfort zone. i don't know why its so ingrained in your head that there is some sort of spotlight on you when you do these things. its not you blend really really well. god, the universe does not revolve around you. for the most part you are virtually invisible and that will continue when you lose weight. and would the spotlight be so damn bad? yeah you might fall but who gives a fuck?
you think too much just do. do it do it do it. this is cake you can do it. just three weeks. i mean c'mon...do you want this or not?
man i really need to get my shit together and do things on the day i'm supposed to instead of putting them off until ;tomorrow.
so now i have a huge list of things to do tomorrow so even if i DO get them all done, i won't have time to go out to practice. but ahhhh i can't wait to get into a solid routine again. hitting the gym, going to practice and now painting. its going to be great. i'm really going to have to try and work hard to get up and go to the gym in the morning if i want to paint though bc i'm just not having enough time in the day, i think i'm going to try to swing going at lunch to the gym at the grove and see how packed it is
anyway i got to figure something out. i guess if i saved painting for an hour here and there during the week and did most of my painting on sat or sunday. but i really want sunday to be my get shit done day.
ahhhh man. i dunno im stoked. i'm feeling really fit right now even though i'm not losing weight yet but when i get consistant i know i will. it feels so go to be strong and have good fast practice. strength makes so much of a difference.
its time i suck it up and go to a team practice. my knee is ready and can definitely handle it i need practice in a pack and blocking. i think i have the other stuff down, so i think this is the next logical step. stop being a pussy, your knee is fine, you are strong and sterdy you can take it.
anyway i just can't wait to get rid of this gut and to lose some of my boobs. i totally want a little cute waist like gwen stefani or pink . there really is no reason why i can't have one. just need more discipline and i'm finally starting to seem some of the rewards. i just need to try and introduce some more discipline into my life a little more a little more. getting up in the morning seriously is the hardest for me. if i can just get up 15 mins earlier each week until i'm up at 530 no problem...i can do that. next week i'm going to get up at 600. then 545. ugh its just getting out of bed. go fucking each breakfast and drink a cup of coffee outside. meditate a little. there is nothing on in the morning anyway. you spend WAY to much time indoors and you ahve this fucking rad porch and back yard.
man. you really need to suck it up and quit with the, oh i'm tired i'll do it tomorrow bullshit.
SUCK IT UP AND BE HAPPY DAMNIT!! YOU ARE SO WORTH IT.
you are so going to be the next design superstar and artist extraordinare in this town. you are going to get a gallery show, you are going to sell paintings and you are going to enroll in idp by the end of august. watch out dwaine. i'm going to sneak up on this town. i'm going to take the rest of this year and study up and get a collection going and get fucking HOT. same thing w/ derby. i'm going to lay low and observe and learn as much as i can and work and work and work on my speed and ba-bam! come out of nowhere, hit hard and skate harder and be the most feared.
ahhhhhh itsgonna happen and its going to be so satisfying. things are falling into place and gelling up. you just have to keep pon it and don't drop the ball this time!! go girl go!
man. talk about queen of self sabotage. i seriously need to do some hard core visualizatin to break out of this damn coccoon i built for myself over the years. and well, not be afraid of my potential. number one, feel of being found attractive. aka as fear of positive attention. what is so goddamn wrong w/ being attractive? its not like some man is going to find you so incredibly attractive that they are going to leap over a table and pounce on you. i mean, don't get me wrong, you (can be) a very attractive girl, but give men some credit. generally they can control themselves, even around the likes of playmates etc, so losing30 lbs isn't going to get you gang raped or whatever. that feeling you got when you walked into iga and got the up and down from migrant workers is pretty over ok? people don't do that and if they do, who cares. more honestly i want to take looks out of the equation. you use them a lot in your carreer. oh, they won't take me seriously bc i'm just this lame frumpy girl. who's going to listen to me. UGH! this is such a lame excuse! there is no reason you can't reach that goal other than you! and all you need to do is visualize success and all the positive things that come w/ meeting goals.
1. the feeling of accomplishment! you over came odd and did something that most people can't.
2. looking good and feeling great. not having to worry if something is going to fit or not that day or if your muffin top is showing or if you hair disguises your double chin. and not to mention just the feeling of being taunt and liking what you see when you catch your reflection. no more rolls, no more saddle bags. nothing but long lean, defined muscle. delicious!
3. love life? maybe being attractiv enought to attract the cream of the crop, not just whatever you can get. i having a shot at healthy, fun relationship when you take insecurities and self image issues out of the equation.
4. just being unfettered and able to be yourself and most of all HAPPY!!!!
This is a lifestyle change, not just losing some lbs but gaining some goddamn confidence. you need to stop thinking of derby as anything more than a fun activity. you need to start paying attention to where you want your career to go. i mean if you want to teach, you better be reading up on what you need to and drawing like a motherfucker. use that one sketchbook as a multimedia diary. draw women who inspire you. cut out pictures of things, people you find attractive. write down ideas for projects, quilts, artwork. yeah your drawings sucks right now but you'll get hat back. and for god sakes spend some time away from the tv and get out of the house if that helps.
AND also keep in mind that you are in the process of getting INTO shape and losing weight. once you get there, you are just doing maintenance. it will NOT require you to go to the gym 4+ times a week. you can cheat once in a while, butyou can never go back to your boozing ways.
hello hello helllooo! haha talk about going back into the confessional booth. it feels funny writing in this. this is definitely my black hole to tell my secrets and just to write about the boring mandane stuff that is botheringme. right now its my fucking car...i hope its not the breaks, just alignment and tires. leslie is a paranoid freak o la.
and MAN does it suck to have family breathing down my neck. i dunno. its just weird having someone constantly keeping tabs. i kind of feel like she is that she is a secret agent for mom or something and that they all think i can't take care of myself or whatever. bah!
man i can't believe how much chad fucked up my life. not so much the cheating on me thing, the leaving me in that lease thing and making me have to let him borrow my car, pay for his boots, etc so he could continue to work to pay rent while i was there. fuck. i mean i really won't have been in this financial mess if it wasn't for him. at least i got out when i did and it wasn't any worse. it was fun for awhile but shit, not worth all of this.
things are evolving pretty well. i mean i think i'm in a pretty good spot even though i am bored w/ the lame-o's i work w/. argh. talk about booo000ring. but oh well. i'll find my niche somewhere. dunno where, but somewhere.
man my knee is really pissing me off. i mean, it should be better by now and it isnt' and its really really making me mad.
man it feels good to write in this again. to get back to the dirty mean, bitchy catty self again. i'm sick of being good. i need a place to come out and totally release w/ no judgement and no hurt feelings. and most of all no drama for the momma. ahhhh. so nice.
man. i can't wait until things start clicking just a little more. i hate starting over w/ friends here though. i guess in my own way i miss the inbred dramas that ultimately mean nothing in reno. reno..the microcosm. people think their petty shit really matters. there is a whole big world out there to explore but people sacrifice that for a bar stool. but i have to say it is like watching a soap opera. and walking home w/ willie at daybreak was kind of a fun time. just those weird moments like that that you can only have in reno.
fuck. i am not my sister. not even close. you need to distance yourself physically from her has much as you can i mean you need to look different, be different talk different. everything. y ou guys are really different. she is so f ucking passive sometimes. she doesn't have foresight and small things that she does bothers me, but its all right. i love her but i just hate that she is kind of this mirror for me that it just gets under my skin. and she's always going to be a little bit like she' better than me bc she has more money. well i lived man. i was out there in the world all on my own w/ no man helping me out an no one controling my life. so fuck that shit man. i'm aware.
the drinking is coming undercontrol...slowly but surely. its kind of like getting up there w/ smoking. its just not the it thing to do and if anything its kind of pathetic. well, the way i binge drink anyway. it was almost like a sport or something. people feel sorry for you when you drink that much. i'll always love day drinkin, but my friends, i can't go back to that. one of these days i'll get more calmed down, get to where i'm going at a good clip and not try to eat the world in one bite and might find myself a nice cozy spot to settle in and have a few, but now is not the time. right now i have a lot to do.
and well, i'm going to find that guy that is right for me. the one that i've been waiting for and who has been waiting for me to saunter up in his life. i'm almost ready and i have a feel for what he's like. anyway, i'll write about that anothertime. right now its just an idea. a beautiful, gorgeous idea....
well i lost about 8 lbs in a week and a day. i'm getting kinda obsessive though. but w/ turkey this week and traveling home, its going to be hard to stick w/ the no carb thing as militantly as i have. just as long as i don't gain anything this week i'll be happy.
well, derby drama has seemed to work itself out. as far as that stuff goes, i'm trying to keep my nose out of this stuff and if they ask me to do any art work or anything i'm going to politely decline. I could see that stuff spiraling out of control if i don't nip it haha. i mean i'll help out where i can but i just want to focus on learning to become a better skater. and thats all.
I have practice tonight but i'm not thinking about it. i don't want to think about it i just want to show up, do it and then get to bed so i can get on the road to idaho early tomorrow.
i got a little lose at the fundraiser on sat. tho. i mean i wasn't even that drunk....initially haha. until someone bought jager shots... but yeah i was getting down on the dance floor and making everyone laugh, and well just being myself basicly, but it shocks the pants off a lot of people that someone like me who kinda looks nerdy and quiet can have such personality. oh well i like shocking people i guess.
i don't know i guess having a weight loss goal is like getting the confidence for me to be like that all the time. i don't know i don't think my weight/ body image issue is the real reason i'm so shy of putting attention to myself, but i do think it will be easier if i accomplish this goal to have the confidence in myself to do anything.
but crap, i lost 8 lbs, probably lose another 5 in a couple weeks depending on how good i am over thankgiving and then i'm halfway to my goal. but the key is when i'm halfway to keep going strong. i won't have to be as strict once i lose 15 lbs, but i want to have all 30 lbs off by march. that seems like a long time but it isn't. we start doing bouts in april, so i want to look and feel my best. i want to be ready physically and i know that will make me feel better about it mentally.
but i kinda need to stop being so obsessive about it. haha.
devious