so I haven't been on here in nearly two weeks, I've been too busy and too tired and to be honest, i just couldn't be bothered...so there
i'd say that i've stopped restricting, but i guess it's just because i'm eating a bit more than i usually do, it's probably still not a normal amount, especially when i've taken to purging multiple times an evening to get rid of it. noodles, yoghurt, veggies as well as the usual bad stuff.
and I don't know whether it's related to it or not but i'm dizzy most the time and have constant chest pains, like a pulled muscle or something, just under my left breast. not incapacitatingly bad pains, but ones that take my breath away a bit.
i have to go to the doctors next week because i have low levels of iron. it is leaving me completely continually drained and getting colds easier. i know they will say to eat a rich iron diet to combat it and i could do that...i'll just bring it all up in the toilet afterwards. bit of a catch 22 situation i guess. i don't want the iron deficiency and the effects it has on me but i do want the ed. I can't seem to have both though. i guess i will stay deficient. and this isn't me being defeatist over my ed and give giving into it and not trying. because i did try to get over it, for 3 years. nothing i try works so i'm just sticking with it. if i want to get better one day i'm sure i will, but for now, no thanks
oh my goodness my throat is hurting even more today than it was the past two days. I don't get this usually after lots of purging, maybe it isn't the purging and a throat infection or seomthing? it is all red and yukky.
my head has been pounding all day today too, i feel woosey and not good at all. oh, and to top everything off, I saw my mum for the first time in a while yesterday and i had a text message from her this morning saying she was worried about me again. apparently i look very down and tired and like i'm not lookin after myself...acting skills obviously need touching up...
I love how i come on here 24 hours from when I put some of the first pics up of my annabel and teh pet picture day (or couple of days!) is still going on! you all have adorable pets, but i especially love the stories of the rescued ones who were in a bad way and you nursed back to health, it is the same story with my annabel :)
urgh, i ate dinner then purged, then had some dessert and purged that too. the roof of my mouth is horrendously bruised and i have a stabbing sharp pain above my right eye. what fun times. the eye thing is rather annoying can't actually see out of it properly it hurts so much :( serves me right for purging i guess, i don't do it for a month then 3 times in two days. old habits die hard
I was meant to go out for my housemate's birthday tonight, he only announced the meal during the day via email, and I was obviously worried about food etc. also a lot about money because i have none and just cant afford it. so in the end I had to stay late at work (am going to texas for meetings a week on saturday...anyone here from houston or dallas?!?!?) and made my ecuses and i didn't go. I went to the shops and bought a scary arse sports bra. I've been meaning to buy one for months but never got round to it. I look HILARIOUS in it, it completely stops my 32d's moving around but is like some industrial ridiculous thing! i'll have to post pictures at some point....
anyway, i was silly and got thinking to binging, so then i did binge (on fish and chips-grease heaven) and it was far more than i usually do. i actually felt full off of it and that never happens. naturally, because i felt so full i had stuff flying out of me for a good while, a *successful* purge shall we say, you know, one of the ones where you don't even try. i dont even purge that much anymore, but i did and i'm not upset by it, i was just glad to be rid of the food, you know?
anyway, a glass of wine on a (now empty) stomach and i'm feeling at peace and sleepy and laughing about my hugemous sports bra
urgh, what a weekend. i ate sooooo much crap and it all stayed inside me and man am i feeling guilty now.
it was my best girlfriend's birthday and we had a whole weekend of girl time which involved pizza, indian, maccy d and chinese, not to mention alcohol and sweets....i haven't eaten like that in months, no, years. all my girlfriends eat like troopers, they really pack it away. i am at least 1 dress size smaller than them but i felt like the only bloater there...i couldn't even get rid of it, not that i would have, i tend to just not eat much these days. purging is almost impossible in the house share i am in.
anyway, i had a big work out last night and a 2 mile walk home from work tonight followed by 30 mins swimming. i still feel bad, i still will until i've been good like i have today for the whole week. i can tell i've been bad this past weekend by the fact that i'm actually pooping a whole lot, something i find almost impossible to do usually. it's literally been 3 or 4 times today...what the hell is going on!?!
i was talking to an lj friend earlier on msn, she keeps telling me to look after myself. i don't think i'm that bad, esp judging by the past weekends letting go. we almost had an arguement over it and nikki, i'm sorry if you read this. i do want to be doing 'better' in this ed world, (hence actually doing worse in 'healthy terms') i am desperately unhappy in the way i look and feel about myself. no matter what anyone says i see a blob. i see flabby thighs and my jeans cutting into my fat sides. i see breasts that are too big and chubby upper arms. i sit there pulling skin and flesh back, imagining what i'd look like with an inch less here and 3 inches less there...
i despair of myself. i do NOT want to get 'better', because i know i cant be happy being me like that. i tried that, it didn't work.
i'm sorry for my ramblings, i just needed to vent it to someone. urgh, someone give me a knife so i can trim off all this excess...
so i am even lower now than i was when i wrote in the life beyong eds community earlier on.
so i decided to eat and eat and eat. oh yeah, and then bring all up in the toilet again straight after. then i did this whole little routine again with some dessert... only i couldn't get much of it up and now i feel bad. i don't even feel full but i feel really guilty.
i think i couldn't do it because my housemates were in. even though they were in a room with the door shut and the tv on and i was in a locked bathroom with the shower going, i was just too aware of them being there. they weren't in when i started making all the food, i should have timed things better.
dreading this weekend. EVERYONE is away or busy this weekend and i'm therefore on my own doing nothing the whole time. if i think im low now, just wait until this time tomorrow. i will be ten times worse. i wish i wouldnt be, feeling like this is unbearable, but with no one around i'm a bit stuck
gave myself a nosebleed throwing up so hard. stupid boys, stupid me for letting them have this affect on me. all that restraint from eating and i go mess it up. i'm such a loser and a waster for it
i reckon tonight was the first time i actually got everything up, ever. usually i am quite half arsed in my purging but i was so ademant it all had to come back up tonight and my head pounds now.
neighbours are having a bbq and as my room is at the back of the house i doubt i'll get any sleep tonight. go me
another good day. another day of watching things closely.
this evening i hit the gym hard for 45 minutes and felt heaps better for it. then i made a big (and healthy) apple crumble and shared it with my housemate. i'm still within the limits i set myself so i'm not feeling so bad. it's been 48 hours and i'm feeling a difference. i know that shounds silly to say but i do, i just feel things aren't quite so big around my stomach and hips.
i'm looking forward to hitting the gym again tomorrow, it makes me so so tired but i know it is good for me.
my housemate bought the scales today, i need to work my arse off before i step on them. i havent felt this much determination in a long time
