Scene Kid Take-Down: A Guide to The Trendy Streets of LA General Life Guide
If you ever walk down Sunset Blvd in Hollywood on a Friday night, expect to feel out of place when you pass such rockin’ joints as “The Roxy” or the “Whiskey A Go-Go”. These places hold certain shindigs for the youth of LA where obscure bands play with extremely long names that mostly have something to do with bleeding, being bled, or some kind of nonsense title like, “The Black Heart Procession” or “Wear your pants tight if you like UTI’s”.
Speaking of pants, if they aren’t plastered to your ass and your hair just isn’t big enough, consider yourself unwelcome in this world of teen angst. While some may protest that having your pants hug your balls all night may make you feel safe, the fact that you have hot pink airbrushed make-up on might buy you a one-way ticket to an ass beating if you step off the wrong corner in L.A. The colored peoples of Los Angeles will not give a shit you were at a show to see some obscure band that they’ve never heard of. They also don’t care about your extensive knowledge of 80’s music (which you just very recently learned about through VH1’s “I Love the 80’s”). No, no, you were sucking the teet during the reign of Duran Duran and probably don’t know what ColecoVision is.
That said, here is your guide to taking down the “scene kid”. If you, a citizen of Los Angeles or traveling tourist, ever come across children such as these, do not be intimidated; just remember how to disarm the wildlife with the tactics below. We are not cutting off the arm of the monster here people, we are slaying the beast. So please keep in mind the scene kids most valuable possessions are:
Digital camera, complete with 80 pictures of him/herself: Steal or damage this in any way, and you have just destroyed their internet “scene-ness” rendering them useless. Now let’s see them try to take their over-the-head-and-at-an-angle shot at tonight’s gig…
Make-up: This one is a little bit harder. You must either destroy the MAC makeup company or grab some kind of facial-disfiguration chemical and throw it at them while you walk by. Extreme? Not unless you can do the first suggestion….
Marlboro Reds/Lights: A scene kid would be nothing without their image. One of the most important items to a scene kid is the cigarette. The cigarette is a social must when conversing with others. How else can they look so all-knowing with the cigarette between their fingers and a look on their face that says “Yeah, I’m destroying my body, but I’m only going to live until I’m 25 anyways!” We can only hope.
The iPod: The scene kids’ iPod has so many obscure and shitty bands on it that you wonder why they paid $300 for one. Frequently, you will see them gathering on a corner or in your local Starbucks comparing them to see which band is the most unknown or which lyrics have the deepest meaning. If you walk by one of them with the phones in their ears singing, “Money, success, fame, glamour” or something else that sounds stupid and doesn’t make sense, be sure to shank the bitch and destroy the iPod.
The Razorblade: The scene kid LOVES attention. They love attention so much that they’ll resort to cutting to “deal with their emotions”. The scene kid will make feeble and obvious attempts to hide the scars on their arms, but will soak up the attention and claims of worry from friends. Take away their razor, and you take away interest in them from fellow “scenesters”. Who wants to listen to a punk ass bitch that doesn’t have the balls to cut themselves?
I must stress that it is IMPERATIVE that while attempting any of these take-downs that you do not look them in the eye. If you are any sort of Asian tourist, please remember that no pictures are allowed; this will only draw them to swarm around you and could become a potentially life-threatening situation.
Please remember, whilst wandering the streets of Los Angeles, that you need not be afraid. If you have read and studied this guide, you can take down the scene kid faster than you can decide which gender it is. Think of yourself as Wesley Snipes in ‘Blade’. Except you aren’t destroying vampires, you’re taking down the scene kid-who is much MUCH more annoying and pisses you off more than a vampire ever could. You don’t need silver bullets; all you need is a little knowledge and maybe a baseball bat. Good luck, and enjoy LA.
Oh, you kids! It’s so scene to hate your own scene!
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