Sound and Fury

"I have encountered terrible smoking people demanding directions from me. They were unsatisfied with my directions."

She stared at the monsters for a moment, unable to quite process what they'd asked. June wasn't sure what unsettled her most about the three creatures - the way they had all spoken at the same time, but not in unison, that they looked cobbled together out of pantomime monsters mixed with nightmares, or that they reeked strongly of charred meat and oozed smoke out of pretty much everywhere. It could have just been the way they looked so out of place standing in front of a coffee shop on a busy city street.
"Miss?" Said the lead monster, the most human-looking of the three by virtue of default alone. "Do you know where 48 Milward Place is?"
"Um." They were large smoking monsters. Should she really be giving them directions? Some poor sod might get killed or eaten (which technically was the same thing) based on what she said. Possibly herself. "Well, um…"
The smallest of the three with the horse's head and the extra arm glared at her. "It's a simple yea or nay question, madam. We're due to perform a scrooging in ten minutes and someone -" here he shot a dirty look at the third member of their group, a faceless cowled monstrosity that somehow managed to give the impression of being embarrassed. " - someone forgot the map."
"Oh. Right, sorry, you just startled me. Which I suppose is good, considering that you're… well, you guys. Milward Place is three blocks nor-"
The cloaked monster gave a slight howl and started to shimmer. Horsehead patted it on the shoulder while the humanoid one gave her a look.
"It would be best if you could avoid specific or Euclidean directions. They make us… uncomfortable."
June stated for a second without commenting. "Um, okay… I could show you directions on my phone, if that would help?"
Horsehead turned one eye on her. June tried not to yelp.
"So, how can I help then?"
The humanoid sighed. "Directions to or from the fey are best passed on in riddle and rhyme."
June paused for a moment to see if the universe would decide to make sense for a change. When it didn't she took a deep breath and thought for a moment.
"Okay, so…

To reach 48 Milward Place,
With sunset to the left you must face.
Travel twice 'cross the tar
That is ruled by the car
Count two score and and eight doors in that place."

The three monsters stared at June in shock. The hooded one finally spoke in a voice that sounded like scratched helium. "That was a limerick! She… you gave us a bloody limerick? What the hell are-"
Horsehead sighed and walked away, gently pulling the shouting hooded monster along.
The humanoid rubbed its forehead and offered June what may have been a smile. "It's traditional for any boon that is done to us be offered recompense, but… well, it was a limerick, so forget it."
With that the monster turned and walked off.
June sighed and continued to wait for her bus.

Department of Intergalactic Health Services?

Dean of Important Historal Stuff?

Dragons Ingest Human Scum?

Doctor, I Has Snuffedit?

Demonically Incorporated Hit Squad?

Bureau of Extremely Poor Acronyms?

The world is in peril from Mr Somebody, and the only way the Doom Patrol can defeat him is to do what they do best! Get cancelled.

Yes, the Doom Patrol have been shitcanned yet again. Far out. How many times does this make it? Even the Great Lakes Avengers (now there's a crossover for you) seem to last longer than these guys.

Ah well, give it a few years and maybe they'll bring it back as DC's first webcomic.

Jeeze. How many bloody Justice Bunch comics do we get, and yet the Doom Patrol gets no love...

I was looking at a Mandelbrot Set generator and noticed something I'd never seen before - strange, star-like dots hidden in the blackness. I zoomed in to find out what they were, then realised and brushed the dust off my monitor.

So I get this call. Right away I know it's a telemarketer because the phone rings that weird ring that happens after you pick up the phone.

"Hello, can I please speak to Mr K Fietz?"

What the heck, I'm bored, and I know what's coming, so...

"Yes, can I help you?"

"Mr Fietz, I'm calling from the computer repairs department."

"Oh! Okay, how can I help you?"

"Mr Fietz, your computer may have some security flaws. We need you to read us a special code on your computer so that we can see if it's sending out false information. It may be out of warranty and..."

"Oh, okay, let me just go and turn on my computer."

"Alright, I'll wait on hold."

I put the phone in the sock drawer and walk away for three minutes.

I come back. She's still on the phone. I must admit I'm kind of impressed.

"Let me go and turn on my computer!"

I pull out my daughter's Disney Princess Magical Music Laptop. It has an LED screen with red backlights and plays plastic CDs.

"Can you see a button that says 'Start' on your screen?"

"Um... no, it says 'Letter Pairs'".

"... do you know which version of Windows you're using?"

"It's a laptop."

"No, your computer, not laptop."

"Yes, it's a Disney Princess Musical Magic Laptop."

She doesn't hang up at this point.

"Can you tell me what's on the bottom left of your keyboard?"

"A little button that when you press it opens a tray to put music in."

"...no, what version of Windows are you using? What does it say on your screen?"

"'Choose Shoes'".

"Just a minute, let me get my supervisor."

Humdehumdum hum de hum hum hum...

"Hello, this is Barry." His name is clearly not Barry. "Can I just get you to tell me what version of Windows you are using?"

"Right now it says 'Letters'. Oh, now it says 'Choose shoes' again."

*CLICK*

That was far too much fun.

Yep, I'm 32. Hopefully my midlife crisis is a few years ahead of me, but according to my Wii Fit (one of my gifts) I'm actually 51... I think I need to cut down on the overeating. :P

I just heard "I'm a little teapot" to the tune of "We will rock you"*. One of the truly bizarre moments of parenthood...

*Yay for pointless links to things everyone knows about!

So Madison (my four-year old daughter) had just finished dinner, and wanted a banana. "Daddy, I want a banana."

"I want never gets."

"Daddy, can I please have a banana?"

Shouting to the lounge room, where Kelly is nursing Jade Louise (my 14-day old bubbagirl) - "Mummy, can she have a banana?"

Returned shout: "Yes!"

"Okay, sweetheart, here's your banana." I peeled the banana and handed it to her. She frowned.

"Daddy, it's supposed to be in a bowl!"

"...you don't need a bowl for a banana, sweetheart."

"But my fingers will get sticky!"

I sighed, reached over the oven and pulled out a plastic bowl with Shrek on it. Or possibly kittens. Something my in-laws had given her, so sickeningly cutesy, but hey, we didn't pay for it. I broke the banana in half and put it in the bowl.

"The bits are too big."

I broke the bits in half again.

"Daddy, you're supposed to cut them!"

"It's fine, sweetheart."

"YOU HAVE TO CUT THEM UP!"

At this point I snapped. I snatched the bowl off her, and to her screams and tears, I ate her banana. Every bite.

Then Kelly came in and cut up a banana for her and gave her a fork.




This story seemed much funnier before I wrote it down...

Wall*E starts September 18 in Australia.

It has been playing in cinemas across the USA since June 27 and will be released on DVD in November (in the USA, at least).

What the hell is wrong with these idiots? Are they *that* determined to make sure that this becomes the Most Pirated Movie of all time?

True story, this.

Last night after work, I got to Macarthur station, got off the train and mosied (moseyed?) on over to where I'd parked my car that morning. I found the passenger side door unlocked, and feeling a tad silly, put my stuff inside (laptop and backpack) and locked the door. I then went around to the driver's side, and for some reason the key wasn't working.

It was, of course, at this point that I noticed my car. 5 meters or so away.

So, I got to wait about 2.5 hours for the owner of the car (a young lady on a night out with her girlfriend) to finish watching a movie, at which point I explained to them that I was not a crazed lunatic but instead merely a fuckwit. I retrieved my stuff and drove home, very tired and rather depressed.

True story, that.