breakn2

she says she dont know why she did it but she said the same shit last time she cheated on me so we decided we need to get our lives straight n stay friends so we are still there for each other n just get our lifes together..so instead of coming to spend tim with me and talk and spend time to herself figuring herself out..i get left here all fucking day because i am the dumbass that keeps giving her my fucking truck n shes taking it to stand me up everynight to go do shit with kyle..she would never dress up for me anymore she would never go to the movies with me..but she is using all the money i have left to do it with him..but wants me to stay here cause she "needs" me ..but she wont even take the time to have a friendship...she threw 4 fucking years down the drain..i gave up everything for her and she wants to be with someone who she slept with when his fucking kids were home..who doesnt care if he fucking loses his kids over this...who told his wife he hated her cause he wanted to be with lauren and who pulled a fucking pistol...loaded at his wife when night when they were fighting..and lauren knows he is like that...i dont understand..if we gotta be friends ok..i still want her in my life no matter what but she doesnt care about herself n shes gonna end up n jail for his stupid shit or dead...i dont know what to do..i cant just leave her alone because i know she needs me..but she wont listen to me..and i cant tell anyone  because she dont want me telling people what happend when everyone in town knows because of jessi..i made a promise to jess my self and lauren that i will take care of who jess loved before she passed and i keep my promises no matter who they are to and i am damned sure not gonna break one i made to jess.....we hated each other..i hadnt seen her for months and she shows up outta the blue one day at j&ms starts yellin at me n pulled me to the back...i knew why she was yelling but not how she found out because no one knew what i had done because i kept it covered up...i slept at the cemetary on jessicas bench for a week straight....stayed drunk and sat up there talking to myself carving in my fucking arm because after i lost her..i had nothing..my mom knew what she meant to me n u know what she told me while im bawling my eyes out to here...stop making such a big deal..its life it happens move on and get over it...shes the closest ive had to jess since she passed...hell jess knew me better than i know myself..and i know everyone loved her she was an amazing person..and im not saying its all about me by no means but jess cared..cared for me like no one ever had..understood me like no one ever had...held my life in her hands and knew what she was doing with it..i would have never met  the great people that i know if it wasnt for her..i would have never made it through high school if it wasnt for her because i didnt care..i was the kid in school that everyone that everyone knew..but no one wanted to talk to and hang out with..i just put on a show in front of people.. but i cant tell anyone becuase when i do..i lose them or they think im nuts....im just venting i guess..but i dont know what to do...n i need help...im going this weekend to a recruiter to join the army..but im so fucking scared to be alone that i dont know how im going to do it..i gotta get fucking trashed to meet new people or actually say how i feel..and i hate that..i hate drinking..i was always the one at partys that made sure jess and ty and katrina and everyone there  were ok..i would go to them just to be sure people were safe...and worrying about everyone else so much put me to the point to where i dont know how to worry about myself cause im scared to let people that dont even care down...i dont know what to do...i hate myself...my life..everything n i damn sure wish it woulda been me instead of jess cause shes done alot more good in peoples lives than i have...she may have made bad desicions but she knew who she was..and wasnt afraid to show it..

I keep my paintbrush with me,
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up,
So the real me doesn't show.

I'm so afraid to show me to you,
Afraid of what you'll do,
That you might laugh or say mean things,
I'm afraid I might lose you.
I'd like to remove all of my paint coats,
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.

Now my coats are all stripped off,
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love me with all that you see,
You're my friend pure as gold.

I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
And hold it in my hand.
I want to keep it handy,
In case somebody doesn't understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true.
But I need to keep my paintbrush with me,
Until I love me too.

i don't know whats wrong..what to do anymore..my relationship fees like it is coming to an end and the rest of my world is just falling to pieces around me..i hate not having anyone to talk to...i think im finally losing it..im having a nervous break down...and i dont know what to do
 

So...it's been a while since you've been gone...and its still hard. 3 years and it seems like you were here yesterday. I wish you were here so bad but i know that we needed an angel like you. I know I promised you that I would take care of everyone for you and they are doing extremely well, but i will be honest it has been a while since I have seen them all. Your sisters are growing up so fast it's so hard to see them because they have your smile. sam does the most to me (other than your mother)..everytime she starts talking to me or acting like her crazy self all I can see is you. It's crazy how quik your brothers turned into young men...young fathers. we've tried to keep your grave cleaned up but it has been a while since we've been out there.. It seems like the more time passes the harder it is for me t go visit . One day I will get you a headstone i'm not sure why noone has yet but I will. I promise you that. I want you to know you were more than an ex which i'm pretty sure you already know that. you were my best friend even after all the break ups and all we went through yo always stood by my side no matter who else was in the picture..and I never really got the chance to thank you for that. I still remember your voice...your smile..your laugh. and I want you to know that I LOVE YOU! more than you know Jess..no one has ever been there for me like you have and it's so hard to try and find another person that understood me the way you did...extremely hard..after 3 years...i still cant find it..i need you right now jess...

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