Mental Illness & BDSM

Hey guys,
I was wondering if any of you have read "The Story of O" or "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty"? They are really great books to read. I would love to try get this group a bit more active. Because I know all of us are going through the same thing,
B

Hi everyone...

I've been extremely delinquent in moderating the membership of this group. And for that, I apologize. Live Journal isn't a place that I frequent much anymore, so it becomes quite easy to ignore it.

It would be fantastic if someone, or a couple of members, would step forward & agree to take this task on. Currently, bpd_bdsm group is a restricted group to 18+ due to the adult-oriented nature of our members & posts. This group is not really appropriate for minors.

What this means is that someone(s) is/are listed as moderators of the membership list. When someone requests to become a member, an email is sent to you. From there it's a pretty simple process to add the new person to our member roster.

The important thing that does need to be done before approval; however, is that you look at the user info page of the requester to verify their age. If they don't list their year of birth (so you can make sure they're over 18), send them an email letting them know what our rules are & ask them to update their user info & resubmit their request. The rules of membership are clearly stated on the bpd_bdsm user info page.

So that's it... mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa.

Now... can anyone help out?

Thanks,
VampyreBoy

Hello, I’m new to the community and thought I would write a introduction post. I’m fairly new to Live Journal as well; I have only been here a few months. My Master, commanded me to sign up knowing that I was a very avid blog a holic seeking acceptance and support. I have been a member of other blog sights but never have I got anything I was seeking. Here I have received nothing but great support thus far from people who I have met, and I’m seeking to meet new people per Master’s requests who understand. Live Journal and my blogs are my escape as well as being a bipolar submissive I also live daily in the tight grips of chronic pain. I have been involved in BDSM since I was 18, involved with my current Master from age 20. I knew it was right for me, due to my interest in being controlled, kink, pain, and other various things. I never got “sexual” pleasure until I found BDSM. Master is a very great man, who allows me to seek acceptance and understanding more so into the community online. I am always willing to learn, but I often feel “depressed” when I think of my devotion to him being affected by my pain and bipolar illness. I just want to give Him perfection from a slave, and I have a hard time understanding no one is perfect and I am far from it. I look forward to posting here and if anyone wishes to add me please do the same, I am so tired of walking alone.

I recently wrote an article about What to look for in a Dom (that I responded to an older entry with) that I wanted to share with you.

I'm feeling a bit upset with myself right now, because as far as I've come in the last little bit, I look at my life, the fact that I like BDSM, the fact that I like to have sex and go out to swingers clubs, the fact that I'm still impulsive with my money, the fact that my dishes are never done, that I don't cook for myself all the time and I get frustrated with the fact that I'm always going to be BPD and no matter what I do I'm still going to be BPD.

Still there have been victories along the way. I recently left my boyfriend and though I went through an emotional time I DIDN'T TRY (OR EVEN THINK) ABOUT TRYING TO KILL MYSELF. If NOTHING else, this shows me how far along I've come along since I was diagnosed almost (exactly) three years ago after my second suicide attempt in two weeks after I broke up with my boyfriend.

What's helped me so so so so much was the movie The Secret and the podcasts from Hay House Radio (look for Esther and Jerry Hicks) and their daily emails from Abraham-Hicks . When I'm down in the dumps I try and breathe and remember that this too will pass, that I have to reach for the better feeling thought. I'd also recommend their book Ask and it is Given, which has actually processes that you can try when your emotions are at such and such a level (each emotion is rated on a scale).

Anyways I'm going to go and cheer myself up with a bath, with the candles, whole mud mask and cucumbers on the eyes thing. I've found that it makes me feel absolutely spoiled and cherished.

Hey everyone...

Here is something that I find very helpful. 

Suicide: The Forever Decision
Paul G. Quinnett

This was a great book.  It's a short read, but very insightful.

While I am not sure if I have BPD, but think I might, I have been diagnosed with other psychiatric disorders. After years of telling shrinks I have always been somewhat depressed, nervous, angry, and often empty, one finally refferred to my mentioning the ongoing "depression to some degree" and said I might have dysthymia. I have had more intense depression at some points of my life and have been in therapy during some of these times, but not others. I have also had a shrink note obsessive compulsive tendancies. I think they were disruptive enough at one point in my life to be called a disorder, but by the time I went to see a therapist, these issues were more under control and not the main reason for my attending therapy, so only tendancies were noted, though they were noted enough to warrent the psych wanting to help me with the issue.  I have also been diagnosed with certain forms of anxiety. Social and generalized both at some point, I believe, though I know it's not as severe as most people's. I've had panic attacks, but do not think I could be said to have a panic disorder. I self harm, but not severely. However, it is chronic. I have issues with apathy and anger, but don't know if they have been noted. I have had dissacoiative symptoms noted. I had a couple people tell me I have a sexual addiction, but those people are judgemental prudes and I don't trust their judgement calls.

I was actually trying to decide whether to look up groups for mental health issues or groups for BDSM first, when I looked up one of them and found this community. I joined it because I have had BDSM fantasies for years and have engaged in some BDSM acts with a close partner, whom I'm sorry to say is not my partner anymore. Also, I think I may have BPD.

As for the BDSM, in past years I had domination and submission fantasies, so one would have thought I would have turned out a switch, but  I am more submissive, and also I don't think I have the confidence to be a domme right now. I would like to try it in the future, so I suppose I am a bit of a switch, but I'm more of a sub. I do not currently have a BDSM play partner.

As for the BPD, I have a lot of the symptoms of BPD, but I am not sure if I have them severely enough to actually have BPD. I have had a couple shrinks say some things seeming to suggest that they did wonder if I had BPD, though no one has come out and said that I do. I think this is because they see the symptoms there, but again, perhaps not the severity. I want to ask my current shrink if I have it, but I'm afraid of the answer, and I'm not sure if he knows all of my symptoms well enough to judge either.

For instance, he says he can't see me as an angry person, but I really am. Apparently this doesn't show around him, but I know it's not just in my head. Not only am I sure due to my own experiences, feelings, and observations that I do have anger issues, but everyone that really knows me would tell you that I do. I suppose his not knowing is my fault because perhaps I am not sharing enough with him.

Anyway, part of me doesn't feel like I have a right to the title since my symptoms are not as severe as other people's. I wonder if I am just stretching this thing to fit me. Yet, at the same time when I read the symptoms, and also when I read the things the families are saying about living with a person who has BPD, it just fits in a way. I may not be as severe as some people, but I have most of the symptoms and it makes sense of what I'm going through and what my family and friends say I put them through. I want something to help me make sense of this. Still, BPD is a hard label to be saddled with. There is a huge stigma attached to it, as I’m sure many of you know too well.

For the sake of explaining my symptoms, I first want to post this list of criteria that I took the list from Wikipedia (but it can be found with slight wording changes on various websites)-

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]

2. A pattern of unstable and interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, promiscuous sex, eating disorders, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

This is how I measure up (sorry it's so long)-

I would say that I have number 1, which is what I guess is the main identifying part of BPD.

On number 2, I do have unstable interpersonal relationships, but the extremes of idealization and devaluation I only do somewhat. I don’t completely devalue everyone I’ve ever cared about, but I do connect with the statement somewhat.

As for number 3, this is the one I have the least. Sure, some of my values and beliefs have changed throughout my life, but this is natural and healthy to a degree. It's called being open minded, growing, and thinking for yourself. Most of these changes took place as I walked away from what I was taught to believe and figured out what I really believed. I think I have a good sense of my values, beliefs, and interests (they are eclectic, but I really am interested in them and know what I am interested in). I sometimes add new interests on, but do not feel this is symptomatic of anything being wrong with me. It is not instability, but growth and finding out more about yourself. Plus, many of my major childhood interests are still major interests for me today, so I think my sense of self is pretty stable. There might be some ways in which this is true for me, though. One example is how I see myself as a decent human being sometimes, then as a monster at other times.

For number 4, I can think things through way too much and be way too cautious at times, but sometimes I can also be spontaneous. I don’t know if it’s really such an intense urge and I can’t say that I truly can’t stop myself most of the time, but I do tend to partake in risky behavior often times without thinking the consequences through or without really caring enough to let it stop me. I do, do this in various areas, especially during times of stress.

Number 5, I do. I threaten it, sometimes plan it out or buy supplies, and I have thought about it, fantasized about it, and dreamed about it. I don’t know if I would ever really do it or not. I do self harm sometimes. It’s not severe self harm, but it is chronic and I have been doing this since I was a child.

As for number 6, I do have mood swings sometimes, but not as much as many people I’m sure. I’m the worst for doing this when it comes to being angry or snappy.

I would say that I have number 7. I think I have had this problem to some degree for my entire life.

As for number 8, I do not get impulsively physically violent with people generally speaking, especially if I love them, but I do have inappropriate anger and unreasonably intense (for the situation) anger. I do have difficulty controlling this anger and it has ruined many of my relationships. So has my risk taking and feelings of emptiness.

Then there’s number 9. The transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. Well, I do dissociate sometimes, but I’m not sure if you’d call it severe. I also do some light stress related paranoid ideation.

So, I have most of the symptoms, except for the identity crisis, but some worse than others. I’m just not sure if I have these symptoms to a severe / intense enough degree to be said to have BPD.

My name is Liz, and I suffer from bipolar disorder, OCD and anorexia nervosa.  I'm also a sub in a longterm relationship with my Master, Alan.

A huge part of him taking care of me is helping me deal with my disorders.  Don't get me wrong - I'm in therapy with both a psychiatrist and a psychologist, but the problems don't just disappear when I'm at home.  That's where Master comes in.

He helps me by enforcing limits that I set for myself.  He makes sure that I eat 2,000 calories a day, minimum, and punishes me if I don't.  He calms me down when I'm manic sometimes by immobilizing me and just talking to me quietly for awhile.  When I'm depressed, he pampers me a bit and cheers me up.  If I weren't on great medication, these techniques probably wouldn't work, but since my symptoms are all currently mild, it helps a lot.

It's great to have a Master who understands my problems and helps me deal with them, whether it's just reassuring me that I'm not fat (and punishing me if I have the nerve to doubt him!) or gently stopping me if I get caught doing something over and over.

So that's the deal with me.  I hope more people post soon, so that we can start getting to know one another and answering questions, etc.

Cheers,
Liz

Hey there everyone.

My name is Melissa, and I have BPD - partially. My psychiatrist doesn't think I have a full disorder, but she does think I have symptoms. I've realized that I've had symptoms of BPD for the past maybe seven years. All I can say about BPD is that it is really, really hard. Today one of my friends dropped by my school (she left last year to go to university), and I cried a lot when I hugged her. I felt a lot of emotion. Happiness to see her. Sadness, remembering I have BPD. I have suffered from clinical depression (I don't have that anymore), but I find in many ways, BPD is harder - more painful in some ways - for me, especially when it comes to relationships.

I thought I'd leave you with a quote I love:

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. I believe in the latter."

-Albert Einstein

Happy Holidays everyone. :)