Still Surviving
and its hard 2 keep from feeling sorry for myself
while dealing
ive done so much thats kept me from
healing
ive lost too many years
to fear and self loathing
too many times have i tried
and learned nothing
too long have i put kept the african in hiding
bottom line
im still surviving
now just bcuz its over
and i got through it
doesnt mean
i stopped
using it for fuel
doesnt mean
i stopped
avoiding confrontation
not devoid of expectations
still racism in this nation
now im not urban
This aint hip hop
this is mixed race punk rock
im too black for you
too white for you
i dont have to choose
i am human
just like you
this is what media
do to me
treating me as a skin disease
got 2 be a chameleon
got 2 know when 2 fit in
its all these white kids dressed as tupac
thats the most shocking
casually dropping the n bomb
and then attacking
this is so wrong
sick of trying to see beyond
but this is me
no wardrobe changes
ill take this world as my stage and
this is me
the way nature created
what u get is not all u see
some people dont take me seriously
i cant tell if its cuz im black
or a woman with a body
sometimes the body
is the only way
to get ahead
in my life its just been what my chest has said
education dead
cuz im brown i grew up downtown
graffiti in the ghetto
what the media says
goes to straight to the head
of all these kids
we need to be repeating what martin luther said
cuz now, I have a dream
that my culture quits
dropping the N bomb
and the rest of the nation gets it
look around
what would Mr King think now?
now i understand obama is black
but cant u see the lack of respect thats still oozing out the white house
trying to find a way out
through the televison sets
and yes thru rap music
these kids are twisting your testaments and using them as racial slurs
i cant stand hear a white kid say nigger anymore
and guess where they heard it from
(((straight from the africans tounge)))
and no its not my word
it does not describe me
and i will never use it to refrence my homie
why the hell would i ever want that word in my vocabulary
when its only been used to divide me
to hide me
to make me inhuman
i am an african angel
and thats the only word youll catch me using
i am choosing to rise above my past
and im gonna make the angel last
the only way to change the world
is to be the change we want to see
lets make ppl wonder
"is it you or is it me?"
-
-
blah
-
(no subject)
i dont know u at all
after every beer
ive been asking myself
"do i still feel feelings?"
after every tequila shot
"do i still feel feelings?"
but not in that order cuz everyone
knows beer before liquor
never been sicker
im however many shots down
2 beers and the rest of the
6 pack to go
hoping to make it til store
opening so i can be be drunk
tomarrow
thought about walking to a
24/7 gas station just to get a
vogue magazine and feel
like i was acomplishing something
im sick of worrying
you know?
i dont have the fucking money
to be doing what im doing
but im working for it anyway
been remembering how
cocaine saves
how marijuana takes u on
a different personality trip
something i could use about
now
forgot who i am
cuz every second seems to
be counting lately
and im fucking afraid to loose
him thinking of everyway he
could sin to me
use his body in ways that would
violate my mind and matter
where it counts
and i think im thinking these
things cuz i know what i am
capable of
and what i have done
and the thought of maybe
not everyone is as diluted as
me is the only thing keeping
me from breaking out the
pantera
going home
and
and
this time really meaning it
cuz im sick of feeling like shit
and no one knowing it
i fucking matter
you know
you know
i dont remember a lot of things
that ive done
and what i do im not proud of
but ill damn sure say im more
rock n roll than youll ever be
ive got more anarchy in my
vagina
than u do in ur whole body
than u do in ur whole body
and im sick of everyone
trying to take it from me
trying to touch me
beer number 3
and a trip to the pody
feelings
i can still feel feelings
and i cant get the thought out
of my head
of u 2 together in bed
which 2?
does it matter?
does it matter?
its always been
something never said
u said or i said
secrets we were keeping
from others might have been
really keeping us together
i dont know you at all.
SOBER DATING
love is crazy.
i dont know what the fuck the
other person is doing when
im not there
and i dont wanna fucking care
but i do.
i used to be the one using
and maybe the abuse meant
attention
and they were scared enuff to
hit me which meant they
felt something
anger out of jealousy
meant they were afraid of
loosing me
i was valuable
they needed me
dating the socially ept is
terrible.
they dont respond to my
medically diagnosed tendencies
they do normal things
think normal thoughts
and dont put things up their
noses
im trying to be sober.
but i need something to hold
me over
2 months equals girls hotter
than me
in the flesh
and spread
2 months reminds me of
who i used to be
and how easy it is to cheat
and thats all i dream about
getting left behind
SOBER.
i just dont know what to talk about
i try to bring up subjects im interested in
but something is just not connecting
im not connecting
im frustrated
and unamused
and angry
why did i go through these things
and they didnt?
even when i tell them, they dont know
filth & wisdom
Sober.
so im not completely sober
not the AA kind of sober
just the this is as good as it gets sober
one wine bottle lasts me a week sober
i feel horribly guilty after a blackout, and dont use vodka to cover up the feelings in the morning sober
i had 3 glasses of wine on my birthday sober
i dont remember the last time i did drugs if a few celebratory joints and forcing down cough syrup out of boredom doesnt count kind of
sober
Still Breaking
still on the verge of breaking
mind going thin
i just wanted
to let you in
you dont know what it means to me
privacy
how much i love
to be alone
theres a lot of things i used to be
mind going thin
i just wanted
to let you in
you dont know what it means to me
privacy
how much i love
to be alone
theres a lot of things i used to be
og #2
eye hate it here
its not a chemical embalance
its my experiences under a microscope
its everything ive hoped for sence i was 6
floating through the window
its every conversation
played in slow motion
its everywhere ive
ever been
never been
should have went
every day i spent
aching
TRYING TO RELATE
its like everything i ever ate is plastered to my face
but everyone else has a plate...
its not a chemical embalance
its my experiences under a microscope
its everything ive hoped for sence i was 6
floating through the window
its every conversation
played in slow motion
its everywhere ive
ever been
never been
should have went
every day i spent
aching
TRYING TO RELATE
its like everything i ever ate is plastered to my face
but everyone else has a plate...
-
-
contemplative
-
og kickin it
These are some poems i wrote an '08 when i was working in yellowstone national park in Old Faithful ( yes i could smell the geysers and thought it was my roommate farting until she moved out). at this point in my writing i was trying to get over an ex, a lover, and my addictions.
Dont come closer
I didnt get closure
Though this 2 would pass
hanging on your words
now
im starting to forgive the past
when i close my eyes now
Im seeing you again
Fuck, How Longs It Been?
Fucked Up Burnt
Out
Played & Tried
All i got is 4
quarters & time.....
-
- contemplative
-
curl(upndie)
so this is how the story goes
there was a little girl
with a little curl
coming out of her head
when she was good
she was very good
and when she was bad she was dead
to the world she looked like sin
smelled like slut
and talked of smut
but everyone remembered
every little thing she (ever)
said.
"now to become undead"
the ghost, he whispered,
you must forget
everything you (ever) learned
on every acid trip
the girl, she closed her eyes
and tried to think of everything drugs could never buy
a soul
she whispered and began to look around
and she noticed the leaves curling up n dieing on the ground;