fuk off!!!
i'm starving to death but my legs just won't get thinner. its horrible, its a shame, all my efforts are useless. maybe i'm just the kind of person who's got FAT legs. uhuhu.
anyway. hate it.
hate christmas, hate nu-yrs-eve. hate everything.
'd like to puke all over the place. in fact i do and its fun.
i'll be 20 in a month. gosh. i've made nothing out of my life. according to what happened to ian curtis i have one year left. sometimes i really feel like him. and then i feel like rje. isnt that strange, i mean i've started listening to the manics something like a year ago and before that i didnt even know that someone like rje existed. i just couldnt imagine that someone could feel this bad and i thought i was so special and the most pityful humanbeing of the entire world ("nicht nur der welt!!!!"). but then him:
gheyboy. not dead. alive. somewhere. and happy. thats what i hope.
been to the dahlem-christmas-fair last weekend and it was SO strange, man. i kind of realized again that men are bastards. dont think i'm posh or arrogant or something but it was like this:
they kept staring at me. and i can assure you and myself that i didnt have toothpaste on my face. and i didnt look shit in another way. they just stared and next to them were their fukkain girlfriends or wifes. i mean: WHAT THE FUCK??? what did they think they were doing?! gosh!
it really gave me the creeps. really really really. cheating assholes.
maybe i'm a bit too sensitive. yeah maybe, coz i even felt guilty when i smiled at that guy in the tube. but he was... awesome. a bit nickywire. he was reading "carmen" by bizet (which i, to be honest, never liked THAT much. somehow the music's just shites). yeah, i noticed him looking first and i thought "woah". and then he kept pretending to read this fukkain opera. then he looked up and i couldnt prevent myself from smiling. first he was a bit...confused. but then....oh wow.
its no use in smiling at random people. its not nice. its horrible.
i hate myself being so INSTINCTIVE.
oh btw.
its disco crotch time.
the year went by in an awful speed.
we'll see if jeph's going to be on that nerd-party-thingie. but i dont really believe it coz why would someone travel the half world just for the stupid ccc? kay, he did last year. but why would he do it again. and why am i actually thinking of him? maybe coz he was one of the few guys i was able to really talk to. course there are some more reasons ^^ but i think he understood me. just have another conversation.
i dont know.
such a low-life. me.
and thats just coz this stupid bugger ruined it.
last week or something i was lying awake for the whole night and my head was full of accusations and i know that they're right. i got furious coz this guy doesnt even know hat he's done to me. i think noone knows coz i cant talk about it. and now i dont know how i'll ever be able to get over this fukkain trauma. i mean i got over HIM but this horrible feeling just wont go away. its like in this bad lieutenant song "twist of fate", god that made me cry.
"I must be losing my mind
I'm gripped by feelings
That I don't understand
It's not a part of my plan
My hopes that once were so high
Were crushed and broken
In the blink of an eye
By the roadside
And I just can't let it go
This fever won't let me
Hang up to my pride
It will never subside
So if you see her again
Tell her that I can't wait
Undercover in the shelter
Of a strange twist of fate
And I know what i'm doing
Is incredibly wrong
That the music has ended
But the beat just goes on and on
Don't want to sound like I'm weak
Negotiations
Are about to begin
It's got my head in a spin
And everyone that I meet
Complains that I don't
Act the same anymore
That I was better before
So if you see her again
Tell her that I can't wait
Undercover in the shelter
Of a strange twist of fate
And I know what I'm doing
Is incredibly wrong
That the music has ended
But the beat just goes on and on "
woah. the whole album is awesome. its newordery. its great. bernard sumner is flawless. i'd marry him.
ga-ga oh la la la.
enough blathering for today and ever i think.
at last the everlasting nickeh:
LOL. suppose the dog's dead.
