I stopped updating this a long time ago. But I still keep it for communities and the like. I'm always on Myspace, though, because I'm a loser and a sheep. Find me there.
I feel so lethargic. Numb almost, I'd forgotten this feeling. I can't find contentment in anything, I feel whiney and empty, cynical, reclusive. I want to explode and tragically blow someone's head off. But instead I'll ponder how hungry I am and wait for him to goto bed so I can relieve the aching in my stomach.
I want to run through the streets screaming at the top of my lungs, sobbing and screaming, dying and screaming, and I want every one to see me - I want everyone who has ever hurt me, to see me, my emotions overtaking my body in a fit of irate convulsions, I want to rip all their hearts out and crucify them with thorns and nails, their pitiful, bleeding hearts at my vengeful fingertips - sobbing and screaming, dying and screaming.
I feel very discontent at the moment, or the night, I suppose. I feel like so many things are slipping away and all I can do to keep a grip of reality and time, is find something to look forward to. I’ll look forward to school, and when school comes, I’ll look forward to summer, and the cycle will continue until school ends and I’ll have no summer to wait for, no school to daydream about. I feel so empty without him, it just amplifies everything into this pounding, pulsating, relentless humming, ripping at my head, digging its fingernails into the sensitive tissue of my heart. But he is longer a single person. He has become a place in my life, a closeness, a trust, that I am now without. What have I done to myself? I have friends, many friends, but none of them can fill what I have lost. I miss having someone who wants to know me. Who wants to see me whenever they can, as I did for him. Even though near the end, it changed, and I was simply there whenever he wanted me, and ignored when he was through. What have I done? What have I done to deserve this? Anyone I care about deeply enough to love, always leaves, or turns into a monster, and I’m tired, I’m so tired of being alone. Of having to say goodbye. Of being unhappy. I just want to be happy again. Please God. Please.
Maybe I'll run away to some foreign country who's name no one can pronounce and become a wild sheep herder whom lives in the hills in a tiny shack and practices ancient voo-doo rituals to make the local children emplode when they come around attempting to prod me with sticks.
It's been such a terrible two weeks. I can't even explain. And what's sad is, my birthday and the last day of school both fell in the last stretch of hell - and didn't make it better. At all. I wrecked my car last week. Rearended some bitch in a crappy white box. Didn't do a thing to her car, crunched mine into an acordian. She didn't even look at me, the little whore - I was standing there trying to talk to her and she just ignored me. The policeman was an asshole, Mark was cold. It sucked. The only thing that made it okay were the paramedics - they were really nice to me. I was really shaken at the time, so someone friendly was a great relief. Ryan and I have broken up - twice. He's such an asshole. He's so patronizing, and he so easily passes blame, and he's just... a dick. And I miss him. I miss him so much. I can't imagine feeling as much affection or adoration for anyone as strongly as I felt for him - the thought of having sex with anyone else makes me sick to my stomach, I can't even imagine liking someone else. I miss his hair. I miss the way he smells.
I leave sometime next week. Will be gone for a month - I'm so happy to get away from here. I'm so sick of Mark, I'm so sick of his bullshit. I don't even want to come home anymore because I know he'll be here. I used to be in no rush to move out, away from my Mother, but now, I just want to get as far away as I can.
Ryan -- There’s a lot I feel like I still need to say to you. I’m not sure exactly what all of it is, or if any of it is even at all significant, or if it’s just an excuse to try to hold onto what we had for just a moment longer. I do hope you read this and think about it, though, instead of disregarding it or throwing it away. At any rate, I want you to know that I’m okay with the ending of this relationship, this term in my life, I believe full-heartedly that it is what needed to happen and probably could have happened sooner. I don’t want you to flatter yourself by worrying about me (as you’ve said you would), as I’m a perfectly capable human-being with amazingly honed coping abilities. I wish we could have spent less time fighting and more time talking - I think there are a lot of little things that caused fiction between us, and because neither felt like they could talk to the other, it simply sat and ate. I suppose it’s no great tragedy though - just a bit of a shame. I also wish that instead of knowing I felt alienated from you and your group(s) of people and doing nothing about it but letting it bother you, you would have turned around and attempted to include me. I think it’s almost sad that this is something that got between us when it could have been so easily fixed, with effort on both our parts, of course. All in all, though, I am tired of taking the blunt of your anger and arrogance, and if nothing else tore us apart, simply receiving the cold shoulder once a week would have been sufficient. I’d like you to know that as of right now, I don’t plan on calling you when I return this summer. I feel betrayed by some of the things you’ve said and done to me, and I would like to get on with my life, so ‘I‘m putting my foot down‘. There was a time when you offered a great comfort and security which I would have sacrificed anything to linger in - but I no longer see the relaxed individual I met freshman year in you. I no longer see someone who can be himself and admit he cares about someone else’s well being; I no longer see a person who can accept someone else for who they are, rather than who they are not. I no longer see someone I want to spend time with. I gave you something I can never get back in a brown paper bag - something that you will get the privilege of carrying with you the rest of your life, and I hope that means something to you, something more than that over-possessive bitch you slept with in high school. As awkward as it is, this simply means that we are no longer good for each other, and I have a hard time believing this will change in a month. I am sad, because in everything we have shared, and everything I have just said, my only conclusion is goodbye. It feels wrong to have such a final ending, but in my anger toward you, I don’t believe there is anything more I can offer - including a friendship. I wish you a decent summer, and I hope you find someone who will be able to give you what I apparently could not.
For what might as well be the millionth time this year, I hope your(who ever you are) day, or actually, week, started out better than mine. The end of the school year is coming quick; thank you God. Three more weeks. Two more until my birthday, still trying to figure out my feelings toward that one. I've been asked to join the student counsel to help elect the new principal; it should prove entertaining for the most part. We had our first, and only, meeting yesterday - it was decently fun. Tuesday we interview. I'm in physical tharapy now, for my wrists - it turns out I don't have carpal tunnel, rather, it's tendonitis. Apparently this is good news, I'm not sure. My tharapist is nice - cute as well, always a plus. The tharapy is one of the more painful things I've expierenced, though, which is depressing, but it helps, so all is forgiven I suppose. I'm doing tutoring twice a week - it's expensive and I wish I would have pulled out of it because I don't feel its worth the money, but I didn't realize that when the time had come. Thanks, Jazz. I'm fighting with my boyfriend, surprise there. We got along great for a couple weeks, then bam. I don't think we're talking now. I'm not sure, we'll have to see. But for now, I guess I'm off to make more trouble.
I gave my last dollar to an old homeless man lastnight. It didn't make me feel any better because he's probably already spent it on a bottle of cheap liquor(when I could have spent it on a third of a gallon of gas), but maybe I wont be as selfish to ask for help in my moment of need. Ah, but how selfish that is in itself.
I was having a terribly intimate moment with my Love today when I glanced down at him and he smiled alittle with this somewhat unidentifiable emotion slathered across his face, and when asked what it was that made him look at me in such a manner, he replied, quietly, "It's just that when I look at you and I know you're mine, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world,", and I wanted to cry.
I feel sad in a late-night cafe' visit kinda way. It's been such a soap opera here lately. I long for seventh and eighth grade. I long for simplicity.
you took your coat off and stood in the rain, You were always crazy like that. And I watched from my window, always felt I was outside looking in on you. You were always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair, You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say besides some comment on the weather Well in case you failed to notice, In case you failed to see, This is my heart bleeding before you, This is me down on my knees These foolish games are tearing me apart your thoughtless words are breaking my heart You're breaking my heart You were always brilliant in the morning Smoking you cigarettes, talking over coffee Your philosophies on are, Baroque moved you, You loved Mozart and you'd speak of you loved ones As I clumsily strummed my guitar You'd teach me of honest things Things that were daring, things that were clean Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean. So I hid my soiled hands behind my back Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else Somebody who gave a damn, Somebody more like myself These foolish games are tearing me apart, and your thoughtless words are breaking my heart, You're breaking my heart. You took your coat off and stood in the rain you were always like that
chipper
lethargic
crushed
numb
aggravated
nostalgic