my journal is mainly public naturally i have occasional "friends only" entries that are possibly more interesting than the entries available to all of you lurkers and whoever else that stumbles upon this journal. so if you feel the need to add me please do so but leave me a comment so that im aware of your actions.
I like attention now and then...im not too crazy about it because honestly i can be shy at times but none the less some attention especially from males can boost your ego, id hate to depend on it though like some people do ugh...imagine having to hunt for self confidence?
anyway the point of this entry is...sure i know im beautiful and even sexy (did i say that outloud?) but its also nice to hear it from someone else...who happens to be really gorgeous...and who happens to not be my boyfriend.
hey...i love nick to death i really do but come on when you've been having sex, making out, and only sharing those sort of verbal exchanges with the same person for over a year and 8 months a flirtatious encounter outside of the relationship can give you that kick you needed.
Daft punk was AMAZING. I danced allllllll night. I took my little brother, hes only 9 years old but he loves daft punk. it was his first show and lol he was dancing all night too, soooo cute.
I have the day off tomorrow, which is awesome because im so tired from working. my manager has been out of state so ive been running the store completely.
my vacation to san diego and LA was cool. went to disneyland, san diego zoo, sea world, west hollywood. tried pinkberry in west hollywood, so effin yummy.
getting tattoos: on my feet, and starting on my hip all the way up to my side...maybe, not sure yet.
maybe getting pierced: still thinking about it but i just want to do it before i cant wear piercings anymore aka starting my career.
Ive been pre-planning my engagement party and wedding. just getting some ideas of themes and locations. excited.
im pretty sure nick and i are going to move to seattle for school. it'll be nice to get out state for a couple of years, something new. maybe i'll love it and stay for longer. who knows!
an untouched photograph of me as of lately or rather as of 10 minutes ago. im off to san jose tonight...or santa cruz depending on where the wind takes me of course...
i would just like to say that i got tickets for one out of the ELEVEN sold out shows The Smashing Pumpkins have scheduled in san francisco at the fillmore! and so did my friends...and were basically extremely excited because we've talked about this day since the smashing pumpkins broke up.
yes i know its 4:26 am but i am up and probably will be for another good 20 minutes so i thought id take advantage and update my neglected livejournal.
-promoted to store assistant manager (woah! YAY!) -started working out/being healthy again and ive lost several pounds already and they keep coming off, amazing! -being with nick for a year and five months -taking my brother to see Daft Punk this summer -loving my car aka "chulo" we've started to bond a lot lately. i did accidentally scratch him though when i was parking. :( -hair is getting long, and i intend to have it that way.
ive changed so much in the past 2 years...i remember i was at a bad point right before i met nick. my emotions were fucked. i had slept with a ton of people out of no where...granted they were all hot because im just lucky like that but still! hahahaha. and i had no job, i wasnt in school and i had no license. well i have a job now and its awesome. i was taking classes but due to my ever evolving and changing preferences i keep withdrawing but i know now exactly what im doing school wise so im headed back asap and cant wait! and well duh i have my license now. aside from all of that just in general ive gained a new found independance and i love it.
i also honestly have a whole different outlook on love. some may say its a bit tad on the negative side but i shifted my perspective so it really isnt. essentially i just dont feel that aching need to have "someone". though i do cherish and love nick with all of my heart ive come to a point in my life where if we did happen to split i wouldnt be devastated the way i would have been in the past. this isnt saying that i dont love him its just saying that i dont lay much of my happiness, identity and importance on my relationships anymore.
well thats all for tonight i should go to bed now.
Ive had a few classmates die, relatives, etc...no one too close.
until today.
well she actually died on february 16th but i barely found out a few hours ago.
my friend/co-worker Sandi passed away in oregon of a brain aneurysm.
i worked with her at starbucks, she was a shift leader. no one liked her i think it was partly jealousy though because she really was beautiful.
out of everyone she liked me the most for some reason. people would give me a hard time because i was close to her and i guess everyone wanted me to hater her or something. but how could you hate someone so nice? she was a sweetheart, always had a big smile. sure she could get moody but she was going through SO much.
sandi had been living on her own since she was 16, her mom died of MS. Sandi also was diagnosed with MS while she was working with me at starbucks. She also had open heart surgery as a child, shes been living with complications since she was little. not only that but her fiance had just moved down to san diego for college and she was left in custody of her younger sister. a lot on someones plate who was only 18 at the time.
Sandi and i both got different jobs and didnt see eachother much anymore but she did stop by my work in december. it was a nice surprise, she walked in with her big smile and laughter and was like "omg belen i havent seen you in so long" we tallked a bit and she told me she was moving up to oregon to get better treatment and i believe she was going to another open heart surgery. her face suddenly went from cheerful to the expression that she had seen a ghost. pale faced and full of fear she told me "belen im so scared" i grabbed her and hugged her and said that she would be fine.
she was 19 when she died. i cant help but feel like i wish i could have been there to hug her and tell her that she was going to be okay. i feel so helpless, i wanted to be there.
i never kept in contact with her because she wasnt a super close friend but she was you know...the coworker you got along with the best and had your own little moments.
i cant believe shes gone already, so quickly.
im sad and im pissed off and i dont know what to think.
i hate that people come and go so quickly and you never who it will be.
i was sitting outside in the freezing cold smoking a cigarette and realized that im not going to end my relationship...a part of me feels like im probably just spoiled and dont understand that sometimes you do have to struggle in a relationship and well the truth is i love nick too much to just give it all up.
