My Private Blog

Either this is the allergy from hell, or I'm coming down with a cold.

Whatever it is, the timing is horrible.  My 10 year reunion is tomorrow and I wanna be able to do my makeup super awesome and if my eyes are watery and small, well that won't work.

Been sneezing a bunch and can't stop feeling irritated.  It's even kicking up my asthma.

Just wanna rip my face off and install a new one.

Last night was a rough one. Was all set to meet up with my friends at some bar on Verdugo but on the drive I kept feeling so awful. When I finally found the damned place I parked for a couple of minutes and waited for a response from a friend who was already there.  Got nothing.  Really frustrated me because for 30 minutes we were texting back and forth.

I couldn't deal. Something came over me and I just felt horrible, cranky, and sad. Soon as I was back on the freeway I finally heard back from two friends, but it was too late. I was already headed back to my 'hood.  but the thought of coming home again drove me nuts and I had tears streaming down my face.

I had a few ideas about where to go and what to do, but finally I settled upon a movie. I got there just in time to watch Salt right before it started. Bought myself a soda and a mini pizza and enjoyed the movie. It was pretty dope.

This allergy is so fucking annoying.  I can't even type more than three sentences without stopping to rub my nose. ARRRRRGH

So when we last spoke, LJ, I told you about that weird text I got from my best friend asking if we were still soul sisters and whatnot.

Anyway, last Friday I had a busy day of driving all over the place. Went from San Dimas to Burbank, then stopped by at home to take some Motrin because my bladder was giving me a hard time.  thought I had a UTI or something.  anyway, best friend invited me over to check out her place and meet up for dinner.  Called her when I left burbank and let her know i was on my way.

I get to downtown LA, park my car for five bucks and walk down a couple streets and finally get to her building.  I called several times and got no answer. I waited fifteen minutes and didn't hear back from her at all.  I got so upset at having hauled ass over there so as not to keep her and her man waiting for dinner and all I did was wait outside.  I got frustrated and angry and started walking back to my car.

Oddly enough, got a text from Nick saying hi. We texted for a while and he let me know he was leaving to Bakersfield for a few days, blah blahblah nothing important.

I finally hear from Patty at 10pm and she apologizes and says she'd fallen asleep and didn't hear her phone.  I was still upset but I let it go and we talked for like 3 or more hours on the phone. 

Still, it just annoys me because this isn't the first time she invites me somewhere and I end up turning around to leave.  This happened once when she invted me to dinner at Nick's mom's house and I bought some wine, drove out and was already past Universal Studios when she sent some weird texts about it being too late but then that they were going to have dessert.

I recover from bad break ups with this lengthy process of mourning.  I spend too many days blaming myself because it always hits me as though maybe I did something wrong or I was inadequate in some way.

But now that I know so much more about what really happens in relationships, I heal by repeating over and over, "it's not my fault."  I then tell myself all the things that are not my fault and are not in my control regarding the other person's hangups and struggles.  Their inability and unwillingness to commit is "not my fault."  Their personal problems keeping them emotionally available are "not my fault."  And I remind myself over and over and send those thoughts out into the universe to dissipate somewhere far away from me.

I then spend time reconnecting with my own interests and the things I personally value independently.  I spend some time giving myself what I want and fulfilling my personal needs and growing.  We forget to grow from the times we are hurt.  So instead of continuously punishing myself, I take stock of the reality of the situation and determine what I will not compromise in the next relationship.

Patty's graduation party went great.  Lots of her family went as well as her boyfriend's family.  That of course means that I saw Nick again.  I just did my best to look super awesome and be extremely pleasant.  As soon as I arrived, I said hi to Patty's mom, to Patty, and then to Armand's family.  Nick was sitting next to his mom and they sat across his dad and step mom.  So I said a big hello to Veronika with a long hug and kiss because she's super awesome.  Nick got out of his seat to say hello with a hug.  So I jokingly introduced myself and said, "Hi, I'm Marianna. Nice to meet you!"  He smiled and played along.  

I went and sat with Oliver and Myrna soon arrived.  We goofed around for a bit and talked about how obsessed I was with watching Lost in time for the finale. Myrna and I ordered a drink at the bar and brought it back to the table.  I said hello to a few other familiar faces and took a few pictures.  

At one point I passed by Nick to get back to my seat and he swatted me with one of the balloons tied to the chairs.  I said, "Oh no, I think these balloons are rubbing up on my head and making my hair full of static."  He rubbed the balloon between his hands and I said, "Ah no don't do that!"  So we stood there for a bit just chit chatting when his dad came up next to us and I asked, "So that's your daddy?"  He said, "Yeah, have you guys met?"  His dad said, "Yes but she didn't want to talk to me."  I said, "Oh, well I noticed that you're married and I don't want any problems.  You see, I tend to get into trouble that way."  They laughed.  Nick and I made small talk til I said, "You wanna have a seat?"  We sat together and talked about TV shows we've been watching.  Then I made fun of what he was wearing because he had on a Land Rover button up shirt.  The logo was very discreet but I still asked what was up with that, and why didn't he iron it.  He said it was the only clean thing in his luggage.  I gave a puzzled look and he said, "From Yosemite."  I said, "Dude, that was WEEKS ago! Unpack already!"  Then he said he hasn't been outta the house for a month, that he's just at home working on his engineering stuff.  I purposely mentioned that I made the mistake of making a date for Sunday night, the same night of the Lost finale.  His face became very unpleasant when I said that.  Good, I hope it bothered him, because even if it did, it's not as bad as how I felt when that stupid girl made the comments on his page, but he still deserves to feel a little crappy.

Naturally, Myrna and Oliver kept a watch on us so I later got some grief about leg touching or something.  Anyway, that conversation ended for a while and I went back to sitting with Myrna and Oliver.  From there, I overheard Nick mention his ex's name (the wife he still hasn't divorced) and it annoyed me. 

Before everyone left, they stood around a while still talking.  I said goodbye to Nick and we hugged again, kiss on cheek, and blah blahed about who knows what while waiting for everyone else to start walking out.  Then I said, "Well, I miss ya," and he said, "Yeah, same here."  He got this look on his face that made me think he really meant it.  But it could just be that's how his face is built.  When he hugged me he said, "And I miss the twins."  What a cad!!!

I asked if he got his book, he said yes (the one I mailed to him after our split).  I said, "Wanna hear a secret?  I have this whole book on handguns and decided that I want a baby glock!"  So we talked about how I could get a small gun safe for it so my mom wouldn't freak out if I bought one.  Then I said, "Ok, I have to go to the powder room."  He got quiet for a bit then said, "When you say powder room, are you really just going to take a dump?"  HA!  I said, "ugh, no, but if I do you'll be the first I tell about it."  We hugged again and his mom came over to us and I asked, "Is Nick being a good boy?"  She said he was, and I offered to implement verbal abuse if he wasn't.  He had his arm around me while I rubbed his tummy.  Then they finally left.

So that's about it in terms of THAT dude.  I had a good time the rest of the night and did a little dancing.  Had a few drinks.  Got home to watch a couple more episodes of Lost before I fell asleep again.  Spent Sunday watching as much as I could of Lost before the finale started.  Then I cried for like 2.5 hours because I was already so heavily invested in the show that whatever happened in the end was gonna get to me anyway.  I'm still trying to sort that all out because there's no way they could have created all those mysteries without them meaning anything.  Either way, there's just gotta be something to figure out about all that happened on the island and all that was found there.  Gah!

I was very naughty in Florida :)

Looks like I'm going to Florida soon.  Ray and Ferny need a few extra hands during one of their events in Boca Raton and I'll be at the back with three other people to help process payments and such.  I'll be gone from the 30th to the end of that week because they said we could also spend a few days in Miami and hang out in a time share.

But here's the funny part.  I may end up sharing a room with Ferny.  The idea certainly doesn't bother me because he's gonna be gone most of the time and will probably get in really late so I figure I will have the room to myself.  And who doesn't enjoy a little sexual tension, ey?

Got super trashed last night.  Had a really good time though cos I got to see a bunch of friends from Nimitz and they were like, "Man we haven't seen you in forever!" And wow next time I'll take it easy cos I was in quite an affectionate mood and also in a stupid one because I was convinced that I'd lost my paypal debit card and was freaked about not having access to my money.  But when I got home about six in the morning, I found it in my wallet tucked behind my ID.  :)

I shan't be coming home all late/early like that because I don't wanna do the ol' walk of shame anymore.  If it's gonna be worth it to get booty, I may as well get a room for it when there is a privacy issue.  Duh, right?

So far, so good. Had a good time at Supercross, our first date. On the way back, we had tacos, and then I made hot chocolate at my house. There, we talked for an hour and I got to know more about him. Before he left we sat in his car and talked (made out).

We met up again for dinner last Tuesday. When I arrived, his mom was sifting through large canvases sent to her from Germany. It was her art work she hadn't seen in 10 years. She said, "Hello gorgeous!" and gave me a hug. I like her.

We had dinner at PF Chang's which for whatever reason was not as good as we thought it would be. The bill was discounted enough to give the patient and friendly waiter a hearty tip.

Instead of going to the movies, we rented a really bad one and took it back to his place. It was a really bad Vinnie Jones flick and we hardly paid attention to it.

Many lovely things were said and done. He's great at a lot things and I really appreciate that he is genuine and simple despite his complicated background. He seems very strong inside and out. I adore him.

I am taking him out to dinner tomorrow night. :)

or i can has app that lets me update journal while taking potty breaks at work. work being home because i work outta my bedroom.

i have a lot of stuff that needs to get done. mainly creating a site for folks that have asked for writing and wanna know the rates.

i can't fall asleep! it's nearly 5am for christ's sake. i think i shall read BETTER THAN SEX by HST.

see u later?

So I think that the queen sent someone for him, no wait!!!

It HAS to be Eric! He did say he was gonna "take care" of him, right?

I just started book 3 today and was able to get to chapter three in about an hour so I'm gonna keep reading tonight. But I've also been asked to write the next part of my story so I gotta find time for both. :)