The Blu Dragon

The bad news:

After some months of trying to patch up our relationship, my wife left me on 4 May, the day before our 4th anniversary.

I've gone through my head over and over again for months as to why things fell apart, and what I could've done. None of the explanations are good. It all comes back to these basic observations:

1.) She and I were too different in what we wanted in life (she wanted to play forever, I wanted a family)
2.) She stopped loving and trusting me
3.) She was too screwed up to allow herself to grow up emotionally

Before anyone gives me guff on this sounding biased, these are all things she told me in our last ever face-to-face conversation. While we've had conversations via text message and even two phone calls. I haven't seen her since.

I'm now officially separated, looking to file for divorce. Unfortunately UK divorce law is not as easy as it is in the states.


There's more by the way. Her leaving me also came with a refusal to help me get my permanent visa. So, in spite of an effort with an immigration lawyer to extend my visa through other means, I had to leave the country when my visa expired. So I am now in the USA, trying to apply for a work visa under the government's new work visa program.


Needless to say, this has been hard on my company, and hard on myself.


The good news:

If all this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have met my girlfriend. She is a remarkable creature. A lovely Nereid of curly hair and spectacles. She is so much like me it's unnerving. Combining this with a wonderful demeanour at parties as well as explosive chemistry, and you have someone who is a joy to be around. I am working to get back to the UK for my job, but also for her.

On Sunday, my wife and I went for a walk. She was as cold and distant as the landscape we were trudging across.

Afterwards, we went to the pub. I asked her gently about her aloofness, and she said she didn't want to get hurt by me. (Probably referring to the last argument we had earlier that week).

When we got home, we got into an argument. She shouted at me and we both cried...

...and then she felt better.

We ended the night on a positive note, actually able to talk about things again, and smile.

To break down a barrier that both protected against harm and prevented progress, all it took was telling the truth.

Now I feel like we can actually have a positive experience on Christmas.

An assortment of things running through my head right now:

1. My wife has been having panic attacks in mild form for as long as I've known her. But with a misprescribing of prozac recently after being subjected to extreme stress, her panic attacks have become much worse. She is recovering, but slowly.
   The problem is, while I have let her down, I'm only one of several factors which contributed to her being so miserable. I just don't always know what is caused by me and what is caused by something else. Sometimes, I don't know if she knows.


2. A side effect of this is that she is in a profoundly selfish state right now. Everything is on her terms. I feel like if I ask for anything in the wrong way, she's going to freak out and run a 1000 miles.
   Needless to say, this is a very hard place to live in and still feel affectionate.


3. Even with making new friends, I still can't shake the feelings of lonliness and depression. I want her back on some levels, and on other levels, my survival instinct is telling me to just give up.
   I know we've been meeting up and having good days together (although she won't come near our old flat because she says it has bad associations), but it's hard not to feel like I can do no right.

My wife the other day asked me if I believed in the afterlife.

I've spent many years reading all sorts of books on philosophy, religion, new age spiritualism, and even magick. I've also spent years pondering and discussing the subject in the company of priests, missionaries, vicars, monks, witches, etc. A pattern did emerge from it:

The afterlife doesn't matter.

It's not what happens when you die. It's what happens while you're still living. You want immortality? Set an example your grandchildren and your friends will tell tales about after you've left this world. You want purpose in life? Find passion.

Let's say love can be divided into three parts: chemistry, inspiration/passion, and comfort/connection. When all three of these things are present, you have the perfect relationship. All it takes is work to maintain.

But why not also work to foster a perfect relationship with your own existence?

Chemistry, as in the physical interaction with the world around you, affirms your life like nothing else.

Inspiration, as in finding something that gives your entire being a purpose, has been described by many as just like falling in love.

Connection, as in taking the time with other people to let affection and respect grow between you.

What other purpose to living do you need? If you follow this path far enough, you will have your eternal life in the stories of the countless people whose lives you've helped, and even if you do believe in an afterlife, there isn't a religion in the world that doesn't reward goodness.

Frankly, it doesn't even matter which version of God's story you believe in. But what's vital is that you do believe. The most important words in the world are God, give me strength. The reason for this is human potential. There are some ultimate secrets to the human body and will that can only be accessed from the outside. You cannot reach these places alone. You need help. And that help comes from belief and inspiration.

Even a short distance down this path and you will see the world around you reflect your love back. People can't help but respond to the emotion you give them, whether positive or negative. If you give people sincerely good vibes, they can't help but respond to it. And sustaining that positive emotion becomes easy once you learn to recognize and appreciate what people give to you.

This is where the work comes in. But just as eating a good home-cooked meal justifies the effort put into making it, training yourself to appreciate what you're being given is worth your while.

This is the conclusion to my years of soul searching and philosophical tail-spins you all have been party to. The ending doesn't matter at all. In fact, the more you dwell on it, the more desperate and crazy you'll be. The only thing that matters is how you enjoy what you have while you have it, right here, right now.

My love to you all, and may God give you strength.

B. Dragon

There is an old saying: "Women would rule the world, if they didn't hate each other so much."

Perhaps its meaningless, perhaps not.

I understand I open myself up to all sorts of ad homineum retorts by talking about common patterns in women's behaviour, but I'll take that chance. None of this is meant in a harmful way. It's merely an attempt to help women managers be better at what they do.


Just when you think feminism has done its job successfully, I've been seeing a disturbing trend in popular culture in Europe and America:

1. Victoria Beckham is People magazine's Person of the Year. What's more, she also won Entrepreneur of the Year. Ironic, considering her idea of working for a living is applying fake tan and socialising with A-list celebrities.
   
2. Two Names: Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton.
   
3. The Queen Bee Syndrome is more prominent than ever in the workplace among women managers. How many women managers have you known who've treated other younger women in the workplace as if they were a threat, sometimes even if they didn't work for them?
   
   
   In other words: as much as feminism has done to open up opportunities for women in the corporate world, some old ghosts have resurfaced to sabotage efforts towards genuine equality.
   
   Considering the first two generations of feminism were very much conscious decisions and learned behavior, I'm starting to wonder if we're seeing primordial traits of human nature resurfacing again, many of which undermine feminism itself.
   
   More specifically, I'm beginning to wonder if jealousy, cattiness, vanity, and superficiality are actually inborn traits that must be unlearned.
   
   As Brent Easton Ellis said in American Psycho: "Personality is only something you develop if you're ugly." This brings me back to a previous assertion that there is no more powerful a force in shaping human behaviour than rejection. When you're accepted as you are, you don't see any incentive to improve yourself. And it's not difficult to find an example of a girl who's been told she was pretty all her life only to end up an undeveloped flake.
   
   But why would evolved, highly-intelligent, ambitious, successful women be jealous of younger girls? If they are prettier, doesn't that mean it's going to be harder for them to find the motivation to adapt (one of the most important skills in a manager)? And if they're just as good as them but no more pretty, then wouldn't their subsequent advancement under the older woman's management push the older woman even further up the corporate ladder?
   
   Is this just a case of basic human nature overriding what's best, or is there a thought out justification that we can't see?

After reading the news this morning, I feel like a light in me just went out. Why do I bother writing about politics?

I know I can't stand America fall apart at the hands of Bush and Fox news. Millions of people are calling for Bush and Cheney's impeachment, millions more calling for the head of Attorney General Gonzales.

Meanwhile, the new 5-4 supreme court just overturned the woman's right to choose abortion, and are happily chopping away at 40 years of progress in affirmative action.

Worst of all, it seems like political action groups with the intention of "fighting these injustices" have just joined the ranks of spam. All they do is ask for money and clutter your inbox, with no discernable change enacted by them. After all, what's the point of giving money and supporting an action group if the strongest action they're capable of is completely ignored by the powers that be?

Perhaps one could tell the mood of a nation by watching its entertainment. Every year, Hollywood movies have become either more escapist and shallow, or more violent, or both. Take the latest James Bond, for example. Gone are the days of Bond's cheeky wit and action sequences with a sense of humor. In there place we have a perfectly toned ape-man who makes unintentionally funny remarks. To top it off, we even have our Bond endure an Abu Ghraib-esque torture scene!

It's like the bulk of middle America has turned into a fat insecure 40-something woman who huddles on the couch surrounded by cupcakes shouting at the TV news "This isn't really happening! This isn't really happening!"

...But I digress.

Given that anyone can get themselves a blog and write pretty much anything they want, even a blog with a purpose is only as good as the market exposure it has. That is to say, how much publicity it gets. But even the most vain among pundits don't write about their personal lives in a purpose built blog.

Which means I ought to pick a topic and stay with it. For the benefit of my friends who read this journal, I should probably just stick to updates on my life.

---

an update on my life:
Once again, a lot is going on right now. I am managing a company on the verge of spinning off the company I flew to the UK to become a part of. I never thought I'd be in the position to be working with both jewellery and technology at the same time. But, if you guys have read any of the technology news lately (Go to www.boingboing.net and look up rapid prototyping, you'll find a whole area of manufacture on the verge of a massive breakthrough.
Besides managing the separation of this company, what I do now is teach courses in CAD/CAM specifically for Jewellery design, as well as provide advice and demonstrations as to what this technology can do. This includes but is not limited to talking to people about the difference between various design software packages, and designing and prototyping (or 'fabbing') master models for casting.

A website is coming soon. I'll post it here when it has.

---

...One last thing before I give up on politics:
I suspect, if all things in the US continue going in the direction they're currently going, within the next 4 years the ruling neo-con republicans and their propaganda machine Fox news will have a violent revolution on their hands. How violent it becomes will depend on how skillful Fox is at keeping the sheep quiet without people noticing it's manipulating them any more than it already is now.

But then again, when the American people find out they've been screwed over by the news network...

Alternatively, the protesters could be smart and focus their energy on emasculating Fox News rather than attacking the currently unassailable administration. Think about it: as long as there is a nationwide news network directly covering the president's (or his cronies') tracks, we can't touch him.

Spread the word everyone! BOYCOTT FOX NEWS! Call your cable operator and get them to drop Fox news from your cable!

Assuming you were brought up in an environment where there was space to be a child for some amount of time, most kids are encouraged to believe in magical things like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus.

It may or may not come as a surprise to most of you, considering I spent so much time in a protected corner of the world known as Deseret, under the shelter of a family of school-teachers, but I believed in the Easter Bunny until I was 13.

Comments about inability to grow up aside, this was likely extended past the normal age of sophistication by my having protographic proof of his existence.

One easter many years ago, there was still snow on the ground. That morning I woke up to discover there was no gifts from the Easter Bunny. Being 7, I was understandably distraught. My grandmother reassured me by telling me the Easter Bunny was probably running a bit late.

Suddenly I heard a crack from the back of the house. I ran back with my brother and saw two easter baskets sitting on the table, along with a crack that had opened in the fence, and positively massive (3' long) bunny foot-prints in the snow. By my reckoning, that rabbit must have been at least 6 feet tall!

I took pictures of the evidence, and saved them for many years afterwards. Even in light of maturity and reason, I was never able to come up with a full rational explanation for the all too convincing evidence of the massive rabbit...

Oh My Dear Lord...

Today's topic will be a little off the normal subject path, but it's still a good one:

5 Types of Guys You Should Date

I think this one applies just as much to men as it does to women, as in "5 Types of Girls You Should Date". They might exhibit different physical characteristics (ie the funny fat girl with dreadlocks), but they're essentially the same type of person.

It's not fair to pidgeonhole individuals, for all sorts of reasons mentioned before here and elsewhere in Livejournal. However, if a person or people you've known have displayed a set of symptoms that commonly go by a label such as "daddy's girl", you can look at them as an opportunity to learn how to deal with that particular set of traits.

My point is, there is a positive use for label sets, and that is to identify a new opportunity to learn how to deal with (and therefore learn from) a personality type you haven't previously experienced.

Conversely, if you've seen that personality type before and learned from them, you're far more likely to be compassionate to their problems and needs.

the Economist, 1 February
MSN Lifestyle, 19 February

The reason why I am mentioning these two things side by side is because they both hint at the same topic: black power is outdated, and ultimately self-defeating.

Before I go any further, I need to address the very first point I can guarantee someone will attack this essay on. This is not a racially motivated essay. The purpose of this is to discuss a possible way forward with economic and legislative policy for the African-American demographic in the USA. Given that a large portion of my family is African-American, this topic is very much close to home. Even though I consider this fact irrelevant, most African-Americans I've talked to (particularly from Utah and Massachusets) don't.

Ironically, by choosing to keep themselves as a racial demographic separated from the rest of the US, African-American leaders are closing doors that might otherwise lead to greater prosperity for the demographic itself. As it mentions in the Economist article, affirmative action legislation isn't having an effect on the lowest income brackets of African-Americans like it should. Indeed, all it has done is to create a greater separation between rich and poor.

As it also mentions in the Economist article, the African-American community would benefit much more from legislation and actions targeted at poverty and low-income groups than from more quotas or differentiated treatment. Even now, they make up a disproportionately high percentage of this income bracket, and any economic changes designed to benefit those below the poverty line would help the African-American racial demographic more than anyone else.

In the MSN survey, the comparatively high ratio of individuals in favor of black history month suggests an ownership of the day and the affirmative action behind it, which is good. However, it also suggests by the high percentage of those who see it as a token gesture that even the African-American community realises the tendency towards marginalization gestures like this create.

It isn't as big a step to believe that differential treatment leads to marginalization and isolation. It's human nature. This is the reason why Brown vrs. the Board of Education worked so hard to eliminate segregation. This is the reason why apartheid in South Africa was so destructive. This is the reason why the bilingual programs in both Quebec and California failed. And once again, economic moves done in the name of repatriation have turned into another "Separate but Equal" status.

However, the elimination of affirmative action on its own will not help, as we've noticed with the University of California system (when quotas went away, so did the number of black students). Poverty itself as a whole must be targeted, not for any single racial demographic. Not only will that help African-Americans more than any other move, but it will also be far more likely to get support from all progressives regardless of color lines.