Some thoughts on implications of the transbody. Disclaimer, this is not based in substantial personal experience of being trans and I hope does not offend anyone. I obviously don't speak on every experience out there; just merely musing/synthesizing from some experiences I've heard.
There's some understanding, within the trans community (I think) and sometimes outside of it, that transpersons undergo body modification to whatever extend in order to feel somewhat more comfortable in their bodies; perhaps they want to have their gender accurately read, protest gender as a construct, or hate their reflection less. There are many reasons for these modifications, and increasingly it is understood, at least amongst queer and other marginalized communities, that these reasons are valid and important. Transpeople who desire these changes should have access to them or risk suffering huge emotional and social challenges that could prove destructive. The transbody moves towards comfort. For some bodies the comfort is established after non-physically-invasive changes in lifestyle. Others may constantly be moving towards comfort, but not obtain it because our current surgical and hormonal techniques may not result in the desired functionality and status of the body.
In many ways, this transbody striving for comfort validates the many cis-gendered bodies working for the same goal. It validates the people getting all kinds of plastic surgery so that their bodies can better reflect their self-image and self-desire, can cause less anxiety. Often queers scoff at the plastic-surgeried MILF, but why? Why do we often dismiss those desires to be comfortable in one's body? Is it just because in this desire we see the patriarchal system pressuring women towards an unobtainable goal?
But to a certain extent, some transbodies are also responding to a patriarchal pressure. Moreover, we (in the queer community, although certainly not in the larger world community) don't question any transperson about whether their transition is in response or desire to conform to the patriarchal norms. Perhaps the transbody automatically has the status of outside the patriarchy by virtue of being trans. If there were no gendered-patriarchal standards would there be a transbody? Could such a concept exist without the other if it forms in opposition to it? I guess this is kind of a chicken vs egg question. It's similar to the Buddhist theory that because one knows one exists only in relativity and reflection to the objects and others around us, then the things that reflect and relate to us are part of us. There are many smarter people who've spent many more hours thinking about this than I have; maybe I ought to just read what's been written.
There are cases when it isn't so clear cut whether the person wishing to change their body is responding to a patriarchal pressure. Now this isn't often the best way to approach a query like this, but I'm going to use a personal example. My body is what most people would consider stereotypical. Ok, maybe I could use 4 more inches, but I have large breasts, am generally well-proportioned, and overall fit well into a typical patriarchal fantasy. While I've learned to live with this body and to a large extent use it well, it's certainly not my idealized self-image. Where does my ideal image come from? Is it my experience with queers that pressures me in a different way? Maybe it does have something to do with gender, I'm not sure, but my idealized self is at least two inches taller, flat(ter) chested, kinda stick figured, and androgynous. My body is anything but. So I've spent my life buying clothing and shopping for a body that does not fit my desired body. I could theoretically buy clothing that would fit my self-image, but it would just remind me of the inadequacy of the body that I do have to fit the bill. So I use what I have to at least look attractive in some standard although maybe not in the way I want to look attractive.
Does it affect my confidence, my anxiety? Sure, in some ways. It's not debilitating, but neither are some pre-modification transbodies. Yet, the transbody in some ways validates my desire to change my body to fit my self image. It presents my desired body as something that ought to be attainable. Instead of dismissing the dream, I am contemplating why should it not be a reality? Of course there are many road blocks, things that I will probably never tackle - like finances and the loss of sensation in certain places through surgery. But like many marginilized movements, the transbody is managing to affirm the desired bodies of the cis-gendered.
Anyway, just some random musings. I'd like to hear what other's have to say on the matter. This is, unfortunately, rather disorganized. I apologize - being out of school for three months has turned my brain to mush.
Massively hating B, M, A, K et al from the center. Making my baby's life a living hell and it's just so shitty. Beating herself up over getting someone to remove them from the center when they were requested to leave. I guess not following the requests of the board is what these people are just SO Effing good at.
Why go through the board to hire a bunch of new staff B? Because that's the procedure that the constitution demands. Why is that procedure there? to prevent people like you from hiring a bunch of your friends, especially since these friends are now being used to lambast the group, the other staff, and the organization as a whole. Let's just say that there is a reason that these jobs exist for the other staff and that these staff are doing a great job, in fact much better than you dipshits who log hours while gathering signatures to force a sgm that has already been called. Oh yes, and to slander your co-workers. lets not forget not using people's chosen names or pronouns. This little group is just full of so much shit. I just feel bad for the suckers who believe them. For the people who see their faces yelling in the press and actually think that they have something pertinent to say.
You people wonder why you're accused of harrassment? Really? When you spend hours yelling at staff and board members in meetings, cutting them off, misusing names/pronouns? And not only in meetings. Oh no, four hours is not enough in a week. You must corner these people outside of the meeting, in hallways, on the streets, and YELL at them. No calm discussion. Just preposterous accusations at full tilt. And of course just the four of you isn't enough either. You need to ask people who you've slept with to come support you in meetings, scoff at other staff members, yell, interrupt, accuse. The people you recruit aren't even respectable citizens.
And this pisses me off so much: you have people endorse your effing petitions, you stupid attempts to force sgms when they've already been called, and then sign off as members of organizations, as though these idiots who fall for your irritating screech of offense represent credible groups, credible people who agree. I was so shocked to see H+H after one of those names. I couldn't believe that such a wonderful group would have anything to do with these people. And you know what? The person who endorsed has no affiliation with the organization other than perhaps a volunteer. And if that, because I sure haven't seen them around ever.
You accuse the board of lying? You accuse them of being deceitful? REALLY? when you force names to match groups just so that your little petition would have some credibility? And now you wonder why you are being suspended? As if dragging the names of people in the group through the mud isn't enough? As if slander, accusation, hostile yelling in the streets isn't enough? As if misuse of names and pronouns isn't? And repeated offenses, not just once. You DARE to question their judgement of suspending you. Guess what: suspension means to leave your job. It means you are required to leave the building and hang over your keys. You refused to do so. You knew what was going to happen. and you refused. In fact you refused even when the police were there. You refused to leave the building and thus you had tyo be dragged out, bitching and screaming, kicking and hitting the police so that you look like some kind of FUCKING MARTYR. As if. Get over your fine self miz bitchanca.
The unfortunate piece is that people often don't have the guts to look past "the police" ad recognize a "policeman". These are individuals, who belong to a system we all are a part of. And if you had not resisted leaving the building, if you had just gone when you were asked to leave, they would not have been there. Sadly, the only way to remove people from buildings where they would otherwise be harassing and heckling employees and volunteers (because let's remember that board members VOLUNTEER for this fucking bullshit that you throw at them), is through force. And the people who are the enforcers in our world are the cops. So if anyone is questioning my L's judgement from yesterday, you come up with a better solution to removing a bunch of abusing bitches from your office space and get back to me.
Oh! You again! Guess it's been a while, huh? Here's a bit of an update: job hunting and quickly realizing that I'd much rather work for some place awesome (i.e. H+H) rather than some place stinky where I have to avoid wearing jeans. I just want to immerse myself more and more amongst the people I've come to like in Sense, PP, MK etc. They're all so lovely. I'm just not particularly qualified for anything. Oh QC, why do you require that I be a perma rez to take your super cheap french courses?
And L's got a crush. A serious one, where there's kissing and dates until wee hours of the morning. Eventually it will probably be something more. I guess it doesn't help that it's a mutual crush with someone known well in the community as hotness themselves, who intimidated the socks off me from my first year here and still does. We talk a lot about our 'ship and not wanting it to fall apart, trust, and love, and knowing that in the future, we'd like to have a family together. There is security in all those things we say. So much tenderness and love from L when she sees me terrified of this crush situation. I also know this is the right decision. She needs to feel free to act on these feelings, because they would otherwise fester, maybe grow, and cause resentment towards me. I know I am taking the high road. Even with all this knowledge, my heart can't help cowering. My body needs to hide in itself and eventually I open up again to her, but more to maintain our relationship and continue along. Acting ok, eventually makes me feel ok, but when we're apart, the acting disappears and I am no longer secure. I hate to feel needy like this. Questioning myself as clinging on to someone who needs space. I hate to demand that she calls when she's out late at night, when I know the desire stems from wanting to know if she's alive. I cannot help telling myself: I have done this before! Why is this time any different? I've been on so many facets of polyism that I thought I had all the bases covered. Sure, none of the situations made me feel consistently great, but I was more able to tackle it. I wish I had the strength in myself to not fear.
I'm happy. I guess that explains why I'm not writing; existential crises and rants are pushed aside.
I'm in love with someone who loves literature as passionately as I do. We nerd out over Foer, Shaffer, exchange excited bits about The Grapes of Wrath. She educates me. And we ply each other with gifts because we want to give each other everything. I find that we are emotional and rational together, we are close in that way.
Y.+B. are getting married soon. I'm excited to be a part of this glorious event and I can't wait to see how happy they will be together on the day of. The summer after graduation, B. told me he wanted to marry her. Now that it's happening, I almost can't believe it.
Frustrations about certain things remain: communication is always incomplete, I will always remain malleable.
And the worst part is, I feel guilty for being yelled at by you. you think I don't understand. that my tears were crocodile in nature. fuck you. you don't know where I am and where i'd gone to be with you. you don't understand what i've been through in two weeks. in two weeks I've given more knowledge of myself over to someone, more than you ever bothered to ask me about. and she cares. not that you didn't or don't. i know you do. and i miss the understanding we have with each other. we had a great relationship. i just know that going back to it now, that is wrong. maybe in the future we will still be able to read each other like angry and soulful lovers. but right now I'm ok with moving on and I wish you were as well.
i'd also like to tell you that the last night was not ok. that i was not there. that kissing you in the morning was wrong and felt dirty. that i did think of her and that no matter how hard you fucked me I still would have. i dont think you ever understood the meaning of my sluttiness. the meaning of my body. i dont think anybody did. no one ever took it seriously. even when i said that it was not ok. so i stopped saying it wasn't. i stopped telling my family and friends because i couldn't do the deed justice in telling and no one bothered enough to ask me, to probe and find out until she came along and asked. she just asked. she could tell from my language, my intonations, my behavior and she asked me. she let me break down my understanding of myself and i saw that it was wrong for me to give and give unwillingly. I can name the people who have touched me in inappropriate and outrightly unwanted ways. the people to whom i have actually said no don't. and they still did until i capitulated, let down the drawbridge into my body and vacated the premises of troops. my being left my body to be violated. most frequently it wasn't sex. but what does that matter. the fact that it happened at all should make me angry. i've just sucked it up so deep inside in guilt that i can't being it out anymore as anger.
how is it that i can think of someone's actions like that and blame myself? I guess i blame my own body, really. ive learned over the years that it speaks its own language. i think it oozes sexual desire without my own realization sometimes and very frequently with my own realization. but fuck it man. at 9 years old how much sexual realization could i have had really? fuck. and i still sat in the bathtub crying and wanting my parents to avenge me. like some princess i wanted them to avenge my honor, but they didn't. i can't blame them for it. most likely they probably didn't know what to do with the knowledge. with the experience. how does an immigrant approach a 10 year ol' boy and tell him that his hands don't belong there? The irony is that now, he is gay.
after a while i learned to just capitulate at the slightest sign of interest. why bother fighting someone if in the end they'll win you over anyway? I become more and more disrespectful towards my boundaries. in fact i didn't have any at all. want to fuck me? just let me remove my body off the shelf for you. and it wasn't all wimpy and giving. a good portion became a notch on the old bedpost. i counted. i enjoyed the attention. i still do. who doesn't like to be fawned over. i think thats what I was trying to say over a year ago when i wrote about the things people dont know about me. i like admiration but i dont like to follow through on it because giving myself to you should not be necessary. however when the pressure mounts to follow through, the pressure either internal or external, either myself feeling responsible and somehow needing to follow through or other people pushing their luck, i would let my body be goods for the taking and having. ravish me. go ahead. just ignore my emotions like im so good at doing. so when people would grab at me, when A grabbed and wouldn't let go stating that she knew all about me. she knew what i was all about, but that it was ok. that she just wanted to fuck me and having a relationship was not on her agenda. I did not want to, but I yelled at her saying finei'llfuckyoujustletmedealwiththeshitgoingonrightnow. I really gave up then.
it never happened. i told her that her actions were not ok. she apologized. but i stayed in that mind frame about myself. and it became a habit. i dont want to make anyone feel like they somehow did bad things to me. Most of the sexual encounters ive had have been very welcome. in fact i sometimes surprise myself with how i can still enjoy sex so much although i clearly have had a bad history with my own body. its a rare instance in which it was undesired, but it has clearly made an impact. And I think that once the consent was so retroactive that i would consider the act to border on rape. and it sucks to say that. really it is such a shitty thing to even think of. i cant accuse someone of that. thats horrible. and im sure it was so unintentional. but not letting my leave, not letting me say no was not ok. of course in the end up gave myself up to you. and then you left. your friend was waiting for you in the living room. how fucked up is that? how messed up. to come to my house drunk with your friend and make he wait there while you dont let me leave, you dont let me step outside of my room because you want to fuck me. it had been months since we'd last had sex. and yet. i conceded in the end. i saw that really unless i ran out of the room, unless i really yelled at you, unless i really stood up for myself i would get nowhere so i gave in. and when i told people about it, no one knew how to react. granted i said it as though it was nothing. but no one took it seriously or asked and i wished in that instant that someone would validate my feelings would recognize the fact that my temple was violated.
that is why now I am learning to stand up for myself. that is why when you yell at me, i'm trying to yell back. that is why i dont want to take your shit. but its so hard to unlearn this. its so hard not to feel guilty for making you feel bad. really you deserve to know that what I did for you last weekend was a service of my body and wrong. it was wrong for me and you. and you should know that in a way you participated in this history of violence against my body and i think that is partly why I no longer love you. i woke up the morning after and i could barely kiss you. and i feel bad because you cry to me on the phone and i leave you crying on street corners. and i care. i care so much about you, but i cannot forget the fact that last saturday you tried to recolonize my body as your possession. more than anything else that tipped me into seeing myself in a new light. and now i'm trying to value myself and my body outside of its value in appeasing and pleasing others. I deserve pleasure.
Currently looking for Jacaszek's newest albumn Treny for download. Being Polish, it's been tricky to torrent. Any ideas? Purchasing being low on the roster. :)
It had the potential to be so awkward, but somehow, through the latex, the hotness, the confessions of his many fetishes, and the ensuing amazing foreplay, last night was not awkward - at all.
Instead it was probably the hottest night in my memory.
*tingle sigh*
I have to thank them for making me feel so comfortable. How many nightmares can you possibly have over joining a couple in bed and finding out that you can never match up to the amazing chemistry they already have between the two of them? But being their pet was more fun than anything I could imagine.
I kinda like them. A lot.
And the chemistry.
Walking home at 6 am after La banquise poutin = second night this week I saw the sun before going to bed.
What an amazing weekend. I'm so happy right now. I'm so thrilled that bunny and I are reconnected bff, that Chri. is becoming a regular in my life, that I can count Y+P as friends (and at least one time lovers), and that the world is so beautiful.
A mutation takes place until you don't notice yourself anymore. People change in perspective.
You try so hard to obtain certain friendships you are sure you will love in life until suddenly you realize that the ones that matter have fallen into place, without struggle, and you learn that the best people in life are the ones that don't require you fighting for. I love those that I have.
It hurts to see the ones that don't value you as much as you value them. But what can you do? Let them go to those people who they want to be with. While in the inside, you steal yourself and refuse to let them know how you've folded them into your life as family - immutable and acceptable on all fronts.
The things I've learned since I've arrived in Montreal:
Not to try so damn hard to please everyone around me, since eventually I get sick and tired of it. All I want around me are the people who don't require any framing to focus on my face.
Cherish scattered people in your life, not groups that somehow will always feel somewhat empty.
There is no better way to love someone than by living with them. Eventually I see them in all the possibilities. However, one cannot always expect ().
There are situations in which both parties are hurt (ah, the never ending refutation of black and white) and the only person who can stop hurting them feels immobile.
The perfect circle is forever in my mind once it has been glimpsed.
The people who will know me best are the ones that try to get inside me to see me. Frequently they can be my relationships. Frequently my relationships may also be too selfish to try.
Heart strings can stretch for miles and the people they are connected to will find the most inopportune times to pull on them.
Acceptance of all things can be as suffocating as rejection. Sometimes you would like a friend who does not reserve judgment, but harshly hates for you so that you don't have to.
curious
complacent
infuriated
geeky