Everyone is kind of getting dumped in the crapper right now, not just about not really having a place to live. I hate to say it, but it took me this long to realize that sometimes you have to look up and see that you're not the only misserable one. And then to realize further that maybe it ain't so bad for you. And then to realize that whatever you can do to take control of the situation you should do. Because that's what's going to make you better off.
I offer my help if I can give it to any who wish it or need it and maybe even those who don't ask (though I'm not quite as good at observing where to deliver). We're family. Family that gets angry at each other and confused enough to sleep with each other sometimes, but family nonetheless.
And yeah, what I really mean is that we all have our strengths and if we stop running around ourselves looking at our weaknesses and band together with an inner peace and an enemy on the OUTSIDE, we can make it.
Okay, just when I thought life was getting better...
What can I even say, except that now I have kissed more men in my group than any of the other girls! Kind of. Okay, not Sabrina. Whatever that's fine, they all understand. Neil knows what the hell was going on, even though I am intensely embarrassed and really glad that he didn't fall into that as well. But... Jay.
I will cry for the rest of my life. That is not an overstatement. I will look back on the moment when I monkeyed to him the thing he said to me that ripped me to shreds and realize every time that that was the moment I had a hand in ruining my life. And everyone will say that he was an asshole and I shouldn't worry about it because there are better things out there, and they will say it without realizing that I still love him. Hearing that kind of thing does not build up in me any kind of righteous anger. Listening to angry girls doesn't get me all fired up and hopeful for a new life.
There's only one thing right now that's even keeping me around and that's that I promised a good friend I would accomplish the impossible. So I still exist, even if I am all hollowed out inside and filled with demon and slayer and little to nothing else.
Sometimes you do something that isn't the smartest thing to do. Then you might think about it later and wonder why you ever thought it was a good idea in the first place. I guess that's why they say hindsight is 20/20.
It seems like such a toss up, a moral quandry. I really think that what I did is going to be better in the end than anything else, and yet I can't help thinking about how people look at me when they know I've done something bad, when I can see the judgement in thier eyes, them thinking that I went about it in a way that they would never try. But how could I judge it any better? It was obvious that she could be evil, just like something without a soul. Killing, torturing, using her power to gather ill-advised followers and then manipulating the hell out of them. Then it seemed like her death would lead to better things for this world. I called it how I did. And if her death helps, if I truly feel like it is better this way. Why do I feel so bad about it?
I have a bad habit. I fall in love with men who have another love in their life and have little room left there for me to come and sit.
My best example is Franco Marcolli, a gorgeous, young, Italian man with long, wavy, black hair. I think that he was a little bit of gypsy, you know, wild spirit, deep sorrow, incredibly artistic and lots of the sexy part too. Franco was a tour guide. He loved it. He could travel on someone else's expense, tell impressionable youth the history of the oppressed and the stories of drak Italy, tell impressionable youth that they were the most beautiful women he had ever met, on the inside and out, and then maybe get some. I paint him a little more of an advantage-taker than he was.
I though it was my job in the world to be a frowning beauty. The young virgin who had to carry all of her burdens through the world. A pansy, you know, more beautiful when you could see the heaviness I had to carry in my heart. What bullshit. But it certainly got me what I wanted, someone to like me, I think.
In Naples (Sorento), Franco took me for a walk on the beach at sunset. It doesn't get much more romantic than that. As we walked, we talked about the water and the sand and what we saw was in store for us. He leaned me up against a rock and kissed me as the sun painted everything red and the light made us blush. The inside of my eyelids were like shells; the waves reached high enough to get my feet wet.
He gave me a ring engraved with Vita Sorpassare. "It says, 'outrun life', Alexis, you remember that, don’t ever let life overtake you."
Franco Marcolli had a wife. More beautiful, if possible, than he. Long, honey-brown hair, big eyes, the perfect clothes to compliment her perfectly petite body. They held hands and laughingly kissed eachother on the cheeks and she looked at the girls and I with eyes that seemed to say we were no threat to her. He loved her, no matter what I might think.
So be it sex, drugs or rock and roll, they always love something else more than me. And I will always love them anyway.
About the whole demons, magic, slayer thing. Surprisingly enough, he took it very well. I mean, it didn't seem to phase him a bit, and then he accepted the whole idea really quickly. I mean, I figured that the group of us got along so well because we kind of had it really shoved in our faces and we couldn't help but believe it all. I thought that maybe it would takea little convincing... I suppose appearing in his room helped, I took him on a walk and kind of pointed stuff out, but that was it.
He said he sees a lot of weird stuff playing gigs and all. Really though, isn't it weird that he's not bothered at all?
Anyway, I dont have to lie to him anymore and that's a relief. I can tell him, "there's a big nasty thing out there prowling the night and I have to go help get rid of it so I can't go on a date, sorry"; Or "Well, I wasn't around because I got sucked into another dimension" (though I haven't actually told him about the other dimension yet); Or "That bruise is from where a vampire hit me, but don't worry, it'll be gone in a little bit."
At first I thought it was kind of cool to be a bad ass bad guy in some other dimension and be wanted by one side because I was a bad ass bad guy and the other side because I was impersonating a bad ass bad guy. Then, of course, I realized just how much explaining I had to do to get myself out of any kind of almost getting killed danger and what a damn hassle it all was, over and over again.
It was a relief to get back here and not have to worry about it so much anymore. And so now, I am wanted here. Not in the arrest on sight way, because I'm a human and they don't really know what to do about all of that, but in the sense of, hey if we don't find anyone else who fits the bill, or if our uncle gets a hard on for putting you in his basement, you're fucked.
Kind of ironic. I just want to be friends with the demons and they go and decide I'm a killer because it's weird for me to think demons are interesting. Maybe they'd rather I was like Jake and hating them all. I guess some people just can't handle the gray sometimes. And things have been a little gray lately.
Megan sighed, her chair squeaked, she walked to the door and turned before she left, but shook her head and closed the door behind her. I caught a blurry flash of "Welcome to the happy abode of Ally and Megan." Click.
The room rippled. "Look, I haven't called you back because I don't really want you as a girlfriend anymore. So just, stop trying to get ahold of me okay?" I didn't say anything. "Okay? Whatever." Click.
An alternating current of sighs stopped running across the country on a telephone line, pulled back to privacy again. The sound of sobs rose up to fill that void. My shoulders slumped, my fingers hit the space bar. Click.
"An'a thousand miles away/I still imagine your fingers/ flights of kisses/and your delicious face/'Chesca..." Links: we love these guys, download "secrets" by Sweet Nothings here. Click.
I crumpled on my bed, a sponge of a pillowcase below me. My lungs jump starting with jealous energy. Whuh Whuh Whuh, sputter. The wafted smell of a corner of the pillow like Mark's head came in with the turn of the key. I threw it across the room and it hit the beads in the window. Click click click.
"It feels like an accident/ a crash into the doctor's care/ and all your insides are gone/ let me wrap you up/ I'll bandage you/ and after you're done sleeping/ I'll fill you up with secrets/ of how you should feel" Jay's voice followed the beads' Click.
The sputtering stopped and I idled on the edge of my bed. Download Finished. Now Playing: Jay Fenn. Secrets -Sweet Nothings Jay Fenn. Secrets- Sweet Nothings Jay Fenn Jay Fenn, Jay Fenn, Jay. Click.
New Resolution: I will try, again, to be nice to Jake because of the strain it is putting on the group for us to always be at each others' throats. If it's doesn't kill me, I think that it will turn out for the best.
On Another Note: I can't say that I liked the stories of the crazy Mistress me from another dimension. Even if I did manage to achieve one of my current long term goals in that world. How could I be so bad that I would be executed without trial upon capture and that someone could gloat about having looked me in the face? Of course, I did act kind of dictator-like and they seemed to believe it until they noticed I was missing a very deciding feature. The Mistress me can't be all bad if the Powers That Be support her. I also hope that the soldier didn't mean that he was going to die when he said "see you on the other side," but on second and third thought about what I can probably do in that dimension, I am sure that that's what he meant. I really want to know who he was, and I'm sad that I'm not actually the person he believed. He seemed so familiar... But that me is pretty cool if people will sacrifice themselves for her.
On a third note: I know what Jack would look like right now if he was still aging. That's a bit weird. I keep forgetting how many years Jack has really been around.
Hey Fritzie: Do you think that you could use temporary skin ink to give me a tattoo? That would probably be very useful for disguise in the long run.
suicidal
guilty
relieved
tired