This is all about you.
Ive learned somethings. One im a horriable procrastonator, do take the reccommened dose(7 pills of anything will fuck you up) and life gets way harder as it goes, but only you can make it fun and easy.
I was watching this lifetime movie yesterday and this girl pulled out her old journals and read them. So I started to do that, and by the end I knew that idk that god led me to them.
As I was reading them I was smiling and laughing at some of the entries. This was my 9th grade journal by the way. Ill recap some of it for you. Me and Stacey bought these journals so we could start writing down everything. And that nite was the first nite that we got drunk together on PITCHERS of margaritas. And she made me write in my journal, after her and her sister kinda of threw me into her old bedroom, cause I really couldn’t walk. It was hilarious what I wrote. I really wanted to put it on my bedroom wall to symbolize the most amazing time ever. Then I read on and how I spent like 5 whole days with Stacey(without clashing) we went to the movies and got our journals, I spent the nite and got drunk and next day went to bush gardens then spent the nite that nite. It was amazing. The next couple of pages, I remember perfectly. I remember the feelings and everything. IT was Stacey amber and me, and it was when she was still in her old spooky but amazing bedroom that you could sleep into 4 pm in it. And we went swimming like twice and it was when she just got her new swing and we were sitting and talking while her dad cooked steaks on the grill. I quote “It was amazing, I have never felt better, it felt like us three were the best of friends, and this summer would be the summer of us three, until the phone rang” I remember the phone ringing and feeling like ahh shit. It was my first boyfriend(even though no one would consider him that, especially me) and I read on to all the problems we had, and how I hated it all the way through. So I read my other journals, about the other two guys that technically I went out with(but nobody consider it that) And I felt the same with all of them. I felt like they were the biggest burdons ever, I felt trapped, I felt like they were taking me away from my friends and I hated it. And I realized there is nothing wrong with me, I just want to keep my friends as long as I can, and that I will not let anyone ruin that. And that I would let anyone pressure me into something like that ever again, and I will never enter a relationship unless I am ready, which will not be anytime soon, because I love my friends to much. But then I thought friends? Well what friends am I hanging out with? Where are all my friends. And I realize I miss Stacey, I miss amber. I miss when we used to hang out with no worries, I miss when we used to just play that bounce ball game in the dark in staceys room. THE BEST GAME EVER. I miss when we would hang out just to watch t.v. I just don’t know how to react to Stacey, we have clashed so much. But Stacey I miss you. Your online right now and I want to tell you this but I just don’t know how to without taking all the blame, without standing on a limb, without you just saying ok and walk all over me again, without it going back to the way it was. But I hope to god that you read this. Im sorry that we have clashed the past one and a half years. Im sorry that I got pissed off that you took my keys away. I realized that I get crazy when I get drunk but it took me realize that by waking up in a strangers house. But Stacey I wont take the blame for it all, you should have seen me blowing up coming. I feel horriable around micheal, he makes me feel like tristen, like Im a loser, and I wont feel like that around him I just wont. I used to be so un shy but I just am not like that around any of those people. But the horribale thing is I know you don’t like some of my friends and I defiantly don’t like some of your friends. Which just might be why we clash. But one thing that needs to be cleared up. That one day I was mad at you because you said, ok were just gonna go smoke before we come. Well I wasn’t made that you smoked, trust me ive had my share. I was mad because you guys said it like I don’t smoke, like it was just you twos things, and you made me into a bitch. I smoked in 9th grade, and I didn’t really like it, just like you rather smoke then drink, I rather drink then smoke. And I don’t like feeling like a loser by you two because ive already passed that smoking stage. But Stacey this month while I was bubbling mad at you I was still by your side. I told mary and Danielle about it and they said something about you and I went off on them. It took me a second but I realized that you still were connected to me as my best friend. But I needed you the most these past three months, and you were not there. Mary and Danielle were and I clung to them. And they understood me, but it didn’t really help. I missed you, I missed how you would have treated it, you would have told me straight how stupid it was, you would have hit me on the head, you would have told it to my straight and most likely pull me out of that hole. But you weren’t there. So I did stuff I would never do, and you would never imagine that I would do, I wont discuss it cause it doesn’t matter anymore. But what I have to ask myself, would you have been there? Would you have cared, and what I think is no you wouldn’t of. But since I will ask you to give me a chance I will give you a chance. Would you care? Or would you just ignore me like you sometimes do? Even though once more im taking the first step to be friends again, i just want you to know i wont let people walk all over me anymore, it just wont happen
Stacey don’t put some stupid little answer if you see this, I know its hard for you to put out your feelings but give me a chance with them, I swear it will be ok. Because If it’s a stupid sarcastic answer im just going to think that you wouldn’t care, and im really going to go away forever, and I will not care. So Stacey just give me a chance, i dont want to loose you this last year.