I've just realized I'm in a sort of loop...I have started back at petsmart after a horrible two and a half months at walmart. I have to admit that having them call and ask for me back was nice. It made it seem like I make a difference no matter how minut. I have been a blundering idiot in the love dept as usual...lol I'm alittle hopeless in that way but that's alright. I have at least figured that out. My brother got married this past week which is strange because it is my little brother but I am exceedingly happy for him because he truly has his own little family now with Kendra and Connor. My great grandmother died just this morning. I have mixed feelings because I didn't really know her so I don't feel alot of loss. But it does remind me of the helplessness I felt when she died....either way their is a memorial tomorrow and it will be the second funeral I have been to in my life. When faced with mortality my mind always wanders to the past for some reason and how it could've been better spent and then I realize the time I waste on focusing on the past...what a conundrum. I am still in school and doing well. Thank god! I know I'm on the right track now and I just have to follow the path....(wow that was corny)
I really think that if I continue helping Brooke out here I will be updating like everyday just out of shere boredom...lol I think I've had like 5 customers...but oh well I guess it's better than being slammed but then again it would help the time pass I have 3 1/2 more hours and have cleaned just about everything I can clean except for the bathroom and rooms that I'm sure Brooke would rather me not clean... but anyways I do like to work here just becuase of the lack of stress which is a huge relief compared to working at petsmart. I am currently on my last leg of being at petsmart and while I'm really excited to be closing this chapter in my life I'm also alittle nervous about what is going to come after that... I know I can only was overcome income problems just because I'm resourceful. I'm also really jazzed to be going back to school this Thursday I've felt like I needed to be doing something these past few weeks. I figure I'll be taking that statement back when I really get into the papers and what not. I can't believe Megan only made it to developmental arithmatic! that's insane to me because usually she's the one that achieves better grades and things but we are almost dead even now...I guess it's because I'm finally taking my life seriously and looking toward the future instead of contemplating ending it everyday becuase of the past. Anyways I really do hope things are alittle smoother from here but then again one tends to fall asleep at the wheel when things are too boring...
So once again I've moved...for the better this time at least I hope it stays that way. I had to move out because Britni had gotten really engrossed in her fiancee which is understandable but it made her seem inconsiderate and rude so I decided it was in the best interest for our friendship if I left. I still am not sure if I am going to be a part of her wedding or not but she hasn't even sent out invitations so I'm not sure it's even going to happen....but oh well. I do like my new roomie Rachel though she's very considerate and down to earth. It will only be for 5 more months though because that's when her husband comes back from Africa but it still serves the purpose now until I find a place to rent closer to school. There's not much right now to say about the love life. It still doesn't exsist just an endless stream of crushes that stay crushes and nothing more. I do like a few guys at the moment but I'm quite sure it isn't reciprocated one being a student of mine (the one I like the most) he seems like a funny and nice guy but I have a feeling I'm not exactly his type if you know what I mean... lol I think he brought a gf to class once and she was really pretty so there's no real chance there. For some reason all I seem to be able to attract are weird guys who are already taken but are crappy enough to think that I would help them cheat! My 23rd birthday is comming up which is kinda scary. I can't believe I'm almost half way to 50! it's almost too much to comprehend. I have so much that I still need to do and I just feel as though I've stayed stagnant for the past 5 years and have done nothing. I do plan on starting to live life to the fullest though which means going out more and taking more chances so wewill see how that pans out...you never know I might be sky diving by next year. I know a few of my resolutions are going to include getting back to being the old Edie which means not caring about what other people think and I think it is one I will be able to stick to if the volume of my voice as I belt it out in my car is an indication. I've just got to stop worrying about what people think of me and concentrate on what I think of myself despite the people that are trying to bring me down or keep me the way I am. The Wiley-Eric catastrophe has finally started to heal itself but I do know I wont ever put myself in that situation again! To feel so used and cheap is not a feeling I want to remember or repeat. But I do think that they did me a favor in putting things into perspective for me when it comes to where my self esteem was..because if it was low enough to deal with what they did than obviously I have some problems I just still can't understand how Eric who was supposed to be my friend would ignore my discomfort in the situation...I guess my trust was misplaced (par usual) Anyways all things are meant to change just as swiftly as my address' so who knows where I will be next!
For all the friends I supposedly have they obviously don't care enough to read this or to comment....lol it's sad when your last comment was from someone you don't know who was probably just browsing through the journals and decided to take pitty on me. Oh well, I don't see how I've done anything to deserve the friendship I'm just to easily taken with people. I need to stop being so gullible when it comes to feelings because I'm always disappointed in the end. It's not their fault either it is just that I can cling...I recognize this and I really try not to but when faced with people especially a friend I tend to get alittle to into making sure they are alright. I will constantly worry about them, and making sure they are ok. I guess this gets annouying to people. When I sit in this room I feel trapped by the four walls that seem to get closer with each passing day even with light shed it still seems to be a dungeon. But while it can be a dungeon it also acts as a haven, shielding me from the reality that I will undoubtedly have to face later no matter how much procrastination I can muster. This casket...how appropriate that, that would come to mind....
I'm so frightened right now I'm embarking on a whole new length of my life where I don't know will take me. I've quit a job that brought good friends but nothing but sleepless nights and stressful days, I can only hope that this decision will not cause me to lose more in my life than I already have. I've recently gone through a shock of what I want to happen to me and I don't know if it's a good thing that it happened or a bad. My faith in man kind (and I do strictly mean MAN kind) has been abolished I can't even fathom trusting a man anymore because I know they are selfish creatures who only care about what they can get out of a person before and once that's acheived they go to the next. I can't understand how someone can be so loyal and then when something turns in their favor they turn into a wolf.
I don't think I deserved the treatment I received but I do know that I was stupid in my desperation for the wrong kind of attention. I have never felt so pathetic and shamed in my life, in short I felt like a whore...even though it didn't come to that. I never want to feel that way again and I think part of the reason I have quit my job is because I want to abandon anything from that old part of me. I now am back on track in my life trying to be as virtuous as possible and not being ashamed of it. I can hopefully now recognize when someone is simply an oppurtunist that has no respect for me.
I feel sorry for someone that thinks they are so attractive they can get away with what they almost did but for some reason I think deep down they are very insecure in who they are so they need the constant reassurance of people. And while having that would be nice I don't need it I can survive knowing that I am a good person who is willing to do just about anything for her friends while asking for nothing in return. I'm just going to stick to that and be dissapointed in people rather than joining the ranks of people who will sell anyone out to get a leg up in life.
I was looking up cutting...bc after 7 months without it I did it today...I really felt like I needed help because I obviously can't do it on my own under some causes were BDP and after checking it out it really makes sense...I think I need to go see someone about this...
I'm having a difficult time right now...it's not horrible but just coping with school and with work is really taking its toll on me. I'm getting very stressed out very quickly. I can't wait until Joanna comes back to take some of the pressure off of me...if I were to be honest I really want to quit my job and focus entirely on school and getting my degree. But unfortunatly I have many bills that need to be paid...(I need a rich prince charming) jk I just really can't stand being so stressed all the time. I sincerely hope it will get better! I really am just wasting time right now sitting here with some people not studying and just checking out this guy across the room. His name for this case study is X, I think he's interested but not completely sure...stupid boys not making any moves!!!!!!!!! perhaps there's hope for the night...we will never know...maybe if I continue to make eyes at him (although I think he might be alittle too thick to understand what I am trying to do) lol here's the plan...Make eye contact... Smile coyly...look away...that should work right?
ugh why does fafsa think that I'm going to spend 2600 for my education this year? They call it my EFC (estimated family contribution) I have a bone to pick with them because it is obvious that they have not met my dad because if anything he thinks I owe him money. He's not about to contribute anything to me or my education. I just can't believe how stressed this whole situation is making me and I keep going back and forth on whether or not this whole school thing is worth the emotional turmoil I'm going through.
On another note I am the #1 trainer in my district which you would think make my manager notice and give me a raise or a promotion...but alas they don't care...I just really wish that they would consider me an asset to the company because what I'm getting paid right now is a joke! I'm pretty sure that people are getting hired in at a higher hourly rate than what I am making right now. I just cant wait to be rid of this company...
In single status news, i have a prospective boy if he would just ask me out. He's very shy but a really sweet guy. I just hope he can withstand the stupidity that is my father and brother. The only other con in the situation is that he is one of my managers sons and I don't want things to be weird at work if we do end up dating and it doesn't work out.
In nephew news, only a few more weeks left!!!!! exciting!!!! I can't wait till connor is here so the spoiling can begin (not that I can really afford it) but you only get one first nephew!
Well I am registered for classes for this fall and I'm very excited about the whole situation. I am just really really glad that my life is finally back on track and I'm not going to be working for petsmart for the rest of my life. I sincerely think that working for retail is like trying to make someone happy but never quite succeeding. I am very upset with my boss at the moment because she seems to hold me back constantly! taking away hours I had been promised and then making up excuses as to why the company has cut our training hours!!!! In the last month I have made plan (our promised and expected amount of training classes that need to be sold) and most weeks surpassed it and I am number one in rollover rate ( the amount of people who go from puppy or beginner class to the intermediate class) in the district so I'm just trying to figure out why it should matter to them if I have to combine a few classes because not enough people signed up for them... Anyways back to the good stuff. I start school in a couple of weeks and I couldn't be more excited! I'm taking english, american history (with a delicious teacher teehee) and teaching diverse populations...I might take a math but I'm not sure until thursday. The only reason I got to attend is because of a wonderful financial aid lady that changed my dependency status! she rocks!!!!! so I'm getting a pell grant! woot!!!! Another fun thing that is going on is that with the extra money from the pell grant I'm going to get a membership at curves cause its across the street from the school. I have 2 hrs between each class so I figure what a great way to study! I'm planning on being on that treadmill and reading (lol I might have gotten that idea from The Proposal! great movie) I'm doing ok on the dieting front I have slipped a few times but I'm trying to stay strong...I really need to keep doing my pilates....it's abs today and that is ouchy!!!!! but It's all worth it to be healthy! I just wish that stinkin one a day weightsmart didn't make you so nauseous....anyways I hope someone does read this cause I am really needing the support of my friends right now. I've been alittle down lately, which I'm blaming on stress but I just feel very isolated....
rejuvenated
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