A place to Capture my Thoughts

Haven't posted in a long time.  There is no doubt that I've changed and grown a lot since my last post, but I still need a place that I can get out my thoughts, and say things.  This is a place that I can come to, a place where I can unload my burdens.  This is a place where I can meet God.  There's one thing that I need to talk about already.  I was at my men's group tonight, and we were talking about changing.  People with addictions believe that they can't change, or that they won't change, or that they don't need to change.  I know that I can change, but I'm stuck on that part where I pray, asking God to deliver me from my struggles with lust, and then turn away and don't try to help myself.  I ask God to help me, and then I don't try to help myself.  I don't stay in His Word like I should, I don't pray often enough, I don't worship enough.  Not saying that Christianity is all about rules, but true Christianity is about being in a relationship with God, and relationships follow certain forms.  Like you would not say that you have a relationship with someone you don't talk to or spend time with.  So if you don't talk to God often, or read His Word, or don't worship Him, how can you say that you're in a relationship with Him?  I just want to be there, be in that place, with Him, where He can help me and transform me.  But that's just it...I need to put myself in that place.

I am ready to leave.  I am ready to say good bye....not for forever, but for now.  I am ready to start a new chapter in my life and explore.  I am finally completely content with how things are with Hillary and me.  We had a BIG dynamic talk last night, and it really helped me.  Not only did it help me, but it also made me feel less like a jackass.  Besides that, I am so glad that I am out of high school and I pray that there won't be high school drama at college.  I am just ready to move in in general, only keeping some of the close things that I had at Marquette, and you know who you are.  :-)  These next few weeks are going to be emotional, but at least we all are going to experience them!

Happy Someday
Plain White T's 

It's just another old Sunday
a few more hours 'til it's Monday
The weekend's almost over
I feel myself gettin' older
It's becoming more and more apparent
I'm turning out like my parents
I hate going to bed early
But I gotta go work for a man who doesn't know my name
Makes me wear a uniform so everybody looks the same
But I can't be late
I've got those credit card bills I gotta pay

Hey hey hey, I'm gonna be happy someday

Then finally it's Friday
I'm thinkin' life's goin' my way
But there's nothing to do
Guess I'll hang out with my friends
And I know/we'll end up at a show
Where they'll drink away the dreams they gave up long ago
But I can't complain, 'cause I've been right there doin' the same

Someday I'll be happy
will someone tell me when will that be?
Somewhere I lost track of what's right
and now I'm stuck on the sidelines
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
not gonna take it any longer
It's time to take back control of my life

Someday I'll have everything
I'll get paid money just to sing
A new car, and a big house
a few kids running around
I'm gonna marry my girlfriend
and fall in love all over again
Someday I'll have it all

I rip the knife through my chest
splitting a heart that's dead.
blood drops fall like rain
staining the long grass red.

I fall to the ground on my knees
and cause the dust to fly.
It coats my throat choking me
making my whole mouth dry.

I look around and see the world
the one that I had cherished.
but now it had turned to death
everything beautiful perished.

I start to cry when I realize
that if it was not for me,
this world would still be alive
and better place to be.

I regret what I have done
killing the unicorn.
If I could go back in time
myself I would warn.

The agony will not end
my suffering will endure
I just wish it was over
but there is no cure

The rest of me collapses,
and falls into the hole I made.
I close my eye and see her
my world that I betrayed.

I miss her.  I miss her a lot.  I am not as sure it was the right thing anymore, but I don't want to give in to hurt her later on.  I don't know what is going to happen, and that's why I needed to do this, but I miss her.  I miss her touch, her soft skin.  I miss her kiss, her sweet lips. I miss her hugs, so gentle yet secure.  I miss sitting on the couch watching movies.  I miss the driving in the car, holding hands.I miss her so bad.  God, I just hope I did the right thing.

I haven't been on here in a long time...but I have nowhere else to go....

Why is it that I miss her more now than I did while she was gone?
Why is it now that I'd give anything to see her, to hold her once more?
Did I make the right choice, the mature one as everyone says?
I miss her so bad, I still brake down and cry.
But I'm the one who ended it, so why does it hurt so bad?
I'm starting to wonder, what did I really think would happen?
Did I think college would change my world, and I would leave the old behind?
Would it really have been that hard, to resist and stay true?
That is to say I would even have the opportunity to do otherwise.
Would it have been so hard, to call home every so often?
I'm not even gone and yet I long to hear her voice.
She was my first, and meant to much.
Yet I took the knife and severed it.
What have I done?  Is this really how it's suppose to be?
I can't get her out of my mind, and her soft tender kiss.
She made me feel happy and loved.
Was that really worth giving up to "be in college"?
I hope the damage isn't beyond repair.
I pray she will finally be able to look at me without the pain.
She meant so much, and she still does.
I can't loose her now, not ever.
What have I done?  What will I do?
I listened to everyone when they told me it was right.
Now their words sting as they creep into the wounds.
I hope whatever happens, she will find peace.
I hope she will be happy, even if it means without me.

I had a talk with Hillary tonight.  It was hard to bring up, but I felt it needed to be talked about.  There wasn't much to talk about though because she agreed which also made me feel a lot better.  I think a lot at work and I was thinking about Hillary and me.  After a while, I began feeling that we have gone too far physically with each other and that we should back it up.  So after talking with her about it, we agreed to hit the "rewind" button and take a few steps back.  That makes me happy, but I am still disappointed in how far we let it go.  At least it's never too late to fix things before they go way too far and run the risk of very permanent consequences. I'm glad that she agrees, and now I feel better about myself and our relationship.  I know I can't do a lot of what I am facing and what I am about to face on my own with my own strength, so I am trying to turn my life over to God and I think this is a good step one....and I do know I will need God's help to accomplish this...:-D oh wow, I'm done....but I just feel a lot better now, and besides that, if we don't do anything bad anymore, there is no way to get caught and have me be sent to jail....and with her dad being her dad...there is no doubt I would be put away for a while...which is another incentive.  :-D  Anyway, I am done.  Peace.

:-D

Life is a roller coaster.  It goes up, it goes down.  It goes in loops and steep drops.  It twists and turns.  Sometimes it knows the best thing to keep you going and pulls you up or gives you a little boost.  It also knows when you are going too fast and slows you down.  It knows when you are having the best time and takes pictures for you to look at later.  Even though it likes to jerk you around, it still knows your limits to keep you from flying off the track.  And through all of this, the most like life, you can't get off until the end.