it lives!

I was with my dad, who was not my real dad, but a backwater, skinny, yokel-type, a la Deliverance, by the water on the bayou. there was a jetty-like beaver dam thing that we walked out onto. he was explaining to me techniques on how to hide dead bodies. he killed people all the time, apparently you have to if you're a mountain man. he weighed the bodies down and dumped em out on the bayou, or often just dumped them beside the beaver dam thing in the shallows and waited for the water pythons to eat them.

this lesson was demonstrative too. he dumped some shotgun pellet riddled dude in the water. i went down into the water and waited waist-deep to look at the dam and stuff. we waited, and he was all excited for the water python to come. he squealed all creepy-like as we watched a ridiculously girthy serpent (think basketball circumference) approach just under the surface of the water with his back sticking out of the water. dude was the size of that CGI anaconda in that snake movie with J-Lo. first he started heading for the corpse but changed course and headed for me, slowly. my dad was all, hey, that ain't how it's supposed to go. so it got to me and started wrapping itself around me and constricting me. a lot. i was being squeezed to death and it was awful. i could feel the snake killing me and i struggled and hit it in a frenzy and i woke up, realizing i was attacking brian who had been asleep beside me.

I have been pretty much devoid of an internet persona over the last 4.5 months. Some of it is due to the fact that I only have dial-up when not living at university, but most of it is because at the end of april my mother dropped a tonne of bricks on me: she's got breast cancer. She did that approximately 9 hours before she went in for surgery to remove the lump in her breast. She also did it almost 3 months after she originally found out. She hid it from me for that long, and what's weird is I truly knew she had cancer in the days before she told me, even though no one said anything, i just felt it.

Originally, her prognosis was really good (remove the lump and some precautionary radiation treatments and we're good to go), but it's since gotten worse, with another lumpectomy in June and disagreements on treatment recommendations among doctors.

At this point, her prognosis is still good - at least in relative terms - and she has to get a mastectomy, though no date has been set yet. It's hard to trust that everything will be ok though because the doctors have this way of making everything seem like it's no big deal and that she'll be fit as a fiddle after whatever the next procedure they recommend, and that has not been the case yet. It's been really tough emotionally, as it's not the only trouble I've had in my personal life lately, and having to leave for a field camp in Costa Rica 2 days after her first surgery turned me slightly batshit for a couple of months. Lest we forget I worked as a shipper for a company Amoena/Coloplast, which specializes in post breast-surgery care products, so I was touching breast prostheses on a daily basis. Things are ok though i think, but it's been a while to come to grips. I'm not there yet but it'll be ok, and so will my mother.

Though I really don't want to talk about it on LJ, I feel I owe it to a lot of you, whom I've gotten to know and trust and cherish! I'm sorry I just disappeared off the face of the earth. I understand if anyone wants to talk about it with me one on one, just email me and i'll definitely respond.

And now for the shameless self-promotion. One thing about this whole situation that has really gotten to me was my distrust of the doctors. It's like they're lying and making everything best-case-scenario so that we don't get scared and freak out. I understand why they do it I guess, but the way they keep saying that things like, 'once we know the margins are clear, you're A-OK', and 'once the breast is removed, the cancer should be gone', just makes me so distrustful. That, compounded with the fact that my mama won't talk about it with us at all makes me feel helpless.

So, I'm doing something to take a little bit of control back, I hope, and doing something productive instead of just sitting on my ass, waiting for my mother to decide that she can give me a euphemism to say she needs some other surgery or treatment. So I'm doing the run for the cure. Yes, apparantly running 5km will somehow absolve us of our guilt and anger and help conquer breast cancer! Hopefully it'll be a positive thing. Now, what I need from you... is money! C'mon now, shower it on me! I am hoping to raise $750, which is ok, but could be better. Anything at all that you can give would be greatly appreciated.



Thanks! & sorry i've been gone. I'll be better now, i hope.

i was walking around with a jar of flying glowbugs leading the way.

* * *

I put a humber of thick fat bacon-looking flexible hunks and slabs of meat on my body - my arms, legs, belly, neck. they were a bit squishy. then they attached themselves to me, and started to drink. after some time, i couldn't take it any more and began ripping them off me, as i did, blood spurted from where they had attached their mouths. the blood drained and gushed from me until there was nothing left and i collapsed and lost myself.

i was walking down torbram while it was still a dirt road, and came across a beautiful, large cardinal. we communicated briefly, and we appreciated each other. it had the most marvelous feathers and beak. I continued down the road and came across a humble, cat-sized brown and green bird. my, what an astounding wingspan he had. I think we knew each other before. We connected, locked eyes, felt the presence and soul of one another. He felt indebted to me, for I had done something to preserve his soul sometime earlier in our mutual time line. His adulation for me (though truthfully, 'he' felt more like a neuter to me!) was overwhelming my existence, and this intense emotional bond formed between us - like mating-for-life. He flew towards me, hovering with his belly to the sky and feet facing me. he then put his clawed feet in my mouth, and this was the singular act of pair-bonding. the love we shared was so vast and expansive and all-encompassing. we continued together, down the road and came upon a peacock. now, i've always thought peacocks were magnificent creatures, but i had to let this one know that the brown and green bird and i were inextricably bound to one another, and that nothing could make us happier. the peacock understood. and we continued down the road.

i dreamt my grandfather died 2 days before i was planning on surprising them with a visit. I think it's an omen to go visit and write the letters i've been planning to write for ages.

somehow i had ended up a finalist in America's Next Top Model.. yeah. i know. weird. and they were doing interviews with all the finalists before the show on the patio behind my university. mostly the girls were ditzy and stupid, and one of them was my dearest barrelofmofos. I think she was very blase and slightly bitter and totally witty - kinda like Janeane Garofalo - oh! and she was wearing this bra that pushed her boobs up like crazy. the little promo video they were creating from the composite of our interviews was pretty ghetto. it was amusing.

i was thinking for the whole time that I would get kicked off first because i'm not modelly at all - short and slightly chubby and funny-faced. i had only applied cause they said the finalists would get to meet two real top models - Eugenia Volodina was one of them. she is actually (and literally, now!) my dream woman. i can't even go on about how remarkable i find her looks and demeanor. i was bouncing off the walls, waiting for her to come... and somehow it became that i was to do her makeup. it was just so exciting. but i woke before she came. i was so disappointed. i was hoping to meet eugenia in my dreams.

there was a huge fashion show in paris. it was a dior show. of course. and the models were the hot new models and didn't know what they were doing. they had green circles all over their feet bare feet and ankles, which didn't match what they were wearing. but then after the models had cycled through once, they started coming out in frog outfits... (which explains the green patterns on the feet) and they walked in pairs so that the experienced models could support the new models in case they screwed up.

After the show, the place turned into a party, then a store in the mall where my mother and sister and i were shopping. my dad was shopping at a nearby men's store... they were trying on all these clothes. My dad kept coming over in merchandise from the men's store to see if we liked it. he bought this HUGE jacket that made him look like an even more evil version of the marshmallow man in ghostbusters. we were back at home, and i was admiring my couch. god, i love that olive green leather couch. i think my parents were gonna have sex on it?

next thing, i'm out in the forest with the marshmallow man (aka DADDY) and we watch these insane cloaked being engage in some ritual. some colours fly, loud noises ensue... and we're freaked out. i'm mulder from x-files. these dudes are the newest case we're on. they imbibe some powers from the heavens and the one screams out "I am the greatest lover in the world" then he turns into this raping maniac and runs into the nearby village of thatched houses and starts in on the lascivious acts with the women. but he's killing them in the process. it turns out he's a terrible lover. He sees me watching, trying to figure out what to do about him and comes after me. in full fledged sextack mode. he corners me.

i really don't care to relive every detail- and it was incredibly non-linear. this must have been a 5 hour nightmare....

I was in an urban school on the largest set of bleachers ever. there must have been room for 10,000 students there. lots of gang types - distinct groups of asians, italians, blacks... there was huge tension in the air - everyone knew everyone else had guns. everyone was squished together like sardines. i stood up accidentally and started a huge gunfight where a bunch of people were killed. I managed to end up safe at pat's house for some reason. there were these girls who started yelling at me cause i wasn't supposed to be there. this FBI dude (he looked like Dr. Burke and i trusted him immediately) somehow ended up there and for some reason decided i was a key witness to that whole gunfight - I was pivotal to the whole thing. And the girls saying i wasn't supposed to be at pat's made the FBI dude think i had somehow done something unsavoury to precipitate the whole thing. but he was more concerned with my safety, cause i was a key witness. somehow, nad's laptop was very important to the case and had evidence on it. so i guarded that.

next thing i know we're in this Pink-Floyd's-The-Wall-style grandiose courtroom with about 20 defendents (mostly black) lined up in front of the judge. The prosecuter makes her case as the evidence is very clear that all these dudes should be in jail and the judge (this big black dude) says absolutely, then he does this wink think to the defendents that no one but an omnicient observer noticed, and ruled that he needed time to make the decision, and for some reason decided that everyone (including the hundreds of witnesses) would be put in holding cells until he decided. For some reason, i was allowed to go, and the FBI dude escorted me out of the court - to take me somewhere where i could be protected. he takes me to his car and i guard the laptop and i notice a group of black gang type dudes and teh judge near us. i get in the car and expect FBI guy to do the same. but he never gets in. I think he gets 'caught' by the gang dudes outside. and i try to escape, but they catch me, and the judge laughs at me - and he's standing beside the FBI guy. Turns out they orchestrated the whole thing. and they are gonna take me somewhere to kill me or keep me from letting out my important info, and they destroy nad's laptop.

So we end up at my house. a dozen guys are in charge of keeping me locked up. I'm the primary prisoner, but there are also a bunch of rival gang guys captive (asians and italians) held captive too. The place is basically my home, and they keep me in my sister's home for weeks. they don't feed me, they batter me, they rape me, they don't even let me go to the washroom. this part of it ruined me.

I woke up. i was in my rez room, safe. relieved. then i opened my bedroom door and the judge and FBI guy are out there pissing on my stairwell. I PANIC. it is real. i really am in that situation.

i sleep again and end up back in the house. that jail i mentioned earlier was actually run by the judge's cronies and they shot most of the good inmates, and let the bad ones go free. they ended up filling up my house. over time, i kept trying to escape - nobody came for me. no police... nobody. don't know why.

There is something of a coup and the asian gang guys get guns somehow, and at the same time, they overpower some of the black gang dudes (who are under the judge's control) and they get it so the black dudes are holding knives to their necks so that when the judge hears all the noises going on inside and comes in, he and the other gang guys guarding the place see that everything is under control and leave. but the truth is the asians have guns pointed straight up the black dudes' crotches. so they all escape, and a bunch of people die.

i wake up again because of the torture and look outside my room again and they are there, pointing a gun at me, telling me to go back in

terrified and back to sleep i go. back in my house. there are only a few people left. keeping me away from the real world. it's these sleazy italian dudes guarding me now. for some reason, they let my parents in to visit me. but my parents help hatch a plan to kill them both. we outsmart and kill one of the two left, and i wake up.


i have to stay awake for awhile cause i was scared to death and don't want to deal with it any more.


back asleep and i'm back at the beginning this time. on the huge set of bleachers. it's like i have a second chance. this time i am a child, we are all much younger, and i don't stand up... eventually an alarm goes off... but it's a bomb alarm. I was afraid this would start the gunfire. but the principal managed to keep everyone in check and we filed out of the school (i guess the bleachers were inside) and everyone stood outside the school, waiting for it to blow.

i was amazed that everyone was standing so close. so i took me and my little girl friend (we must have been 5 years old)and some tall, nice black man and we ran far - the school was in the middle of a muddy field and we ran through it towards the road. when we got to the roadside we looked back, and the school exploded - and fire enveloped everyone. we hitchiked, me and the blackman together and the little girl friend in another car. but we knew she would be back with her parents soon.

The news said everyone at the school died but one. my little girl friend... i don't know what became of me and the tall black man.

woke up again. couldn't shake the effing dreams. sleep again.


i am in my house, but with my parents and sister. i am on the lam and this cop is trying to catch me cause i killed someone - but it was one of the people from the other dream - it had been self-defense he squeezes through the window and tries to shoot me, and i put medicine in his ear and knock him out.





and no, i have no idea what to make of the racially-divisive undertones of this nightmare.

myself and a group of mature, sophisticated friends had just gotten off the last subway for the night after an evening of cosmopolitan divertissement. We parted ways, and I was walking alone on the city street. I heard something behind me and glanced back and saw a guy with rhythm walking slowly behind me - he had a gun. He saw me look at him, and figured that I knew who he was (O! A man of guilty conscience), and he starts shooting me, all rapid fire and semi-automatic-like. It doesn't hurt very much - sort of like what i think acupuncture would feel like. But I won't die. He eventually takes to whacking at me with a baseball bat that materialized out of nowhere. I'm down on the ground crouched into a ball protecting myself, and i look up.

The jumpsuit guy had turned into a well-coiffed, well-dressed asian business man. When our eyes meet he runs away, leaving me the bat - and then I clue in: it's his game; he wants me to chase him around the city and beat him with the bat as punishment - alas! his kink is unveiled! Without thinking, I begin the chase, and we end up in the suburbs, running through interesections in the wealthy residential areas. I had to run in front of SUVs in intersections and hope they wouldn't kill me. We got off on the danger, apparantly. "Hot sex ensues"(<---- quotation taken directly from my near-illegible, written-in-the-dark-at-4am notes)

One day, I am checking through his neighbour's garden for the secret place he keeps his extra key for me, so that i could surprise him for good times... but i feel someone watching me from the front stoop of his house - his wife, dressed in pastels, drinking coffee. I smile casually at her and proceed, weightless, to flutter and bounce down the street like a child fairy, with his wife looking on, realizing i've been doing her man.

so we were in an elaborate tree house in the forest, a la swiss family robinson... mostly friends/aquaintances from highschool. there was imminent danger... we were staying close, huddled together for the whole safety-in-numbers defense. i didn't know what everyone was so scared of. some people were making light of the situation, like kelita, who was wearing the most luminous, most positively metallic blue shadow and golden lips... who stood above me on the loft balcony and laughed like we did in grade 10 french class.

eventually it came. gunshots. lots of them. precise, too. i eventually saw the gunslinger - a petite female with a bodacious bod and sleek black assassin catsuit. built for a woman's curves, of course. her head was completely black, maybe she was wearing a mask - but her head was quite large for her body. she was like catwoman. stealthy, flexible, and crazy graceful. she was taking them out, with perfect accuracy. as people started dropping like flies we all crouched together, knowing there was no way out, we accepted our fate of being decimated.

she disappeared then... but we knew she was just taking her time, instilling fear in us. on return she remained hidden, and sniped at us, and this time she only left a half dozen of us alive. panic had completely set in, in full-blown survival mode.

i woke up.

calmed myself. back to sleep.

in the treehouse of horror, so it goes... she comes back, and our first real confrontation. she's only a few metres from us, standing with her big gun, and lets a torrent of shorts go into our little group. i narrowly miss a few. they all end up dead. i stand up, alone... hoping for some sort of miracle. she disappears, like a mirage, and comes up behind me.

and then it starts to get weird.

she starts nuzzling me. but it's quite femme-fatale seductive - she means me harm, i can still feel it. next thing, i'm straddling her hips... uh. thrusting, girl sex. so.. then she had a penis. yup. and i was doing her. yup. turns out her penis was detachable. detached it was. and in my hand. stimulating myself! WOOHOO. then i had an awesome dreamgasm. nad says i sometimes talk in my sleep, and i'm hoping there were none of those sleepy utterences here

EDIT: THE KILLER WAS REESE WITHERSPOON. SHE UNMASKED.