BEATBREAK.bitflip

I've become quite interested in JoJo's... I feel pretty bad about this. Maybe I'll make this entry private.. im thinking of it - still, I hold the hope of understanding,..

Its not that there's anything actually wrong with Jojo's... I really really like Stands, and the character art and design, which is helping me learn to and WANT to draw people and giving me a bigger interest in fashion and stuff... but. My parents dont like just about anything i get into - am i really going to make it worse by being into something of a 'genre' that they already hate? ... Does anything matter. I am a choked, strangled, dead parody of a person. Not even of myself. A caricature. I never learn. Its not okay to share anything . its not okay to talk of anything ... its not okay. nothing is ever okay. Someday ill get rid of all my interests and be the person they want me to be. Hah hah that might kill me. im so tired. its my fault, i guess.

edit: i mean that they would hate it because its manga/anime. They dont like those. lets ignore they like sailor moon and dragon ball Z and other anime of their times..... gh

i wrote this weeks ago, i got distracted by a cat and forgot to post .. i might as well just put it as it is..

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hi! ive left this abandoned, as is usual... a lot of things happened, as usual. Its.. pretty cold
out here! But im here where its cold, because i get to see the flags, swaying in the wind. I ate a hot dog.

I havent been feeling very well. In fact... well, i can just say i am lucky to have dragged myself out of it again. I have to, yknow. Its funny, how nobody can notice the depths of despair. You have nobody! Ive managed to ignore it mostly, for now.. enticing myself in earthly flavors..

I finished knitting the red scarf. I had never managed to touch it again in years, so its quite the achievement, to me. There was a lot of emotional baggage related to some things that kept me from finishing it. Now I have mostly gotten past that. I may attempt to learn to crochet now, but maybe for now I should stick to trying to better my knitting technique. I tried to learn continental style, but I was not very successful. I guess I just have to learn to do more than just knit stitches! I made a new attempt (which i will finish as a square) which turned very wonky.. im not sure how i did such a neat cast-on with my red scarf. Im trying to learn to make nice pretty borders on it. Well, I guess the cast-on was very tight. I dont remember the exact tutorial video from which I learned. Is there a benefit to continental over english style? I dunno.

Oh, my Guy™ had said he would buy me a bunch of needles in many sizes with the option of making them circular (the wire also coming in different sizes) - and aluminum needles, at that, with a pouch for them and all. Thats sweet! And yarn.. I need yarn- i swear i had white and black yarn, but I have absolutely no idea where it is. I am so forgetful lately. It makes me feel insane and stupid.

Oh, there's a cat. I bought a pouch of cat food. Hold on.

hey Hi, Dreamwidth!

I feel abandoned lately, but i am not sure why. Things have been alright in my life lately and very well in my relationship. I am a very mood-swingy person though, much more than what is normal, because, you know, XX-Chromosome. I heard on some video my mom was watching, that apparently autistic people tend to have this thing called "Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder". Maybe i should investigate myself and keep track of that and figure if my mood is truly related to that as much as my mom says. And my highschool friends who always told me I probably had a mood disorder.

I wanted to get a violin (i still do, and have wanted it for many years now. Im not happy that the last thing i knew about the-worst-person-of-my-life was that she had gotten a violin and the ability to play, practice, go to classes.. Maybe i should end it all.)

My mom says I wont get it, at least not for a while, because the noise would annoy her.

I just saw a pure white dove while someone beside me says "its an angel fallen from heaven". I am looking at it as I type, and it is calmly standing in the distance. Is this some sign? Should I be guilty for wishing something to crush the girl's neck? Well, whatever the sign means, i am acknowledging it right now. Things are going alright today, so maybe its that.

This semester is almost over. It was a very painful rocky ride at the end of it.. but its pretty much done now. I must only recollect the grades and pray a bit.

The dove moves when I write that, so hm...

I have been really craving spaghetti (as usual) but there is no gas to light the stove.

The dove just flew away, so I think i wont be having spaghetti anytime soon?

no

you have to really thingk abotu no thing because think of it no body really things of no thing because why would htey so od the things no body does because remember that you HAVE to thing about n othing because who else will do it? who will thing of no thing? who will thing of nothing/ who will thing of no tihng? who will do it? who will no thing nthing no ? who will thing of no thing? you have to do it because who will do it? who will thing of n othing? who will do it? you have to odo it who will if you dont? who will thing the no thing who will if you dont> you have to do it because who will if you dont you have to do it nthing no thing you have to do it you have to hthing no thing because who will if you dont? its really important

Konnichiwa!! Hajimemashite. Watashi wa Bitto desu. Douzo yoroshiku.

Yes yes, im back at learning Japanese. *bow bow* Yes, back, I had attempted before.

My first attempts were through Duolingo, several years ago, assuming by my connecting of the timeline to "when i had a bulky ever-overheating laptop", it was probably around 2018. Around some many years ago, Duolingo was not that bad... but, despite that, I dont think I learned that much. I wonder, if anyone reading this knows anything of learning languages, or Japanese currently. (I have previously attempted learning Portuguese and German -- I CAN do it.. I will pick up as many languages as I can learn)

As of now, Im using Busuu. I think its also a little worse than previously (I had used it for German lessons) ,, it pushes a lot its membership, too, like Duolingo. For some reason it has a "premium" and a "premium plus" of which the only difference seems to be .. an AI companion sort of thing and i think extra "lives".. Whatev.

I like learning languages! Quite a lot! English is not my native, but I do well with it. My mistakes are all actually on purpose, and for once Im not kidding about it. I just feel comfortable enough to do whatever!! I have a huge list of languages I want to learn.. Chinese, Russian, German, Japanese, Korean, Tagalog.. I find them all very beautiful and all. I think I have the mental strength for it, but I lack a bit of .. discipline unfortunately. I find it very beautiful, to express vast things in a symbol, which attracts me a lot to Chinese, ever since I saw the translation of some Chinese player's username. I find it very beautiful, all the ways these languages flow. I admittedly dont care that much for romance tongues, born into Spanish as I am. Maybe once deep enough in other languages I will rediscover an interest in them, a yearning for homelikeness.

I cannot expect to learn it all very easily and fastly, but of course, I think.. "is 30 minutes of study with this app going to be enough?" I complement this by writing down what I learn in lessons in a notebook, and spelling it out to myself, and avoiding looking at the screen while I hear the lesson audio so I can.. really soak it in instead of hearing 1 second and beiing like "yep its this answer obviously"

Plus, I was poking about, and it seems the learning of hiragana, katakana and kanji is left to premium lessons only. I even briefly thought.. should I pay? Maybe after arduous evaluation I will consider that seriously, but currently, if I do want to learn such things, I can always turn to the greater sea of the internet. I just dont know quite when to squeeze those lessons -- I never had to learn whole other ways of writing. I only know the basics of that, the N symbol and the use of dashes(like, a--.. ā .. ah), humm. I know some few words I've learned on accident from listening to too many songs and reading their translations and making associations.

For all my doubts on my current learning system.. i have only just begun to take this back up. I will look for some guides -- there must be a lot of them, given the famiety (famousness..fame) of Japanese manga and anime around the world -- and give the app and my methods a try for a while and see their effectiveness in a timespan. Try not to complicate myself a lot.. Maybe I will put in my 30 minutes (the app's maximum!) into a lesson-chapter at the morning, and review at night? My lessons for today included just what I wrote in this entry's introduction, of greeting someone you've just met and telling them your name. I think I learned it decently, but I forgot a bit the last part. Am I going too fast, and demanding too much of myself? Hum. I always tend to.

I dont like to burn bright and burn fast, you know? It happens in so many parts of my life. I put in a lot, demand a lot, and then I abandon it all. As this song I am trying to learn goes.. sayonara, mou ikanakya, nani mo kamo wasurete ..

I hope I can get over that.

Why do I put so much effort into everything except what I'm supposed to? I'm not doing badly in college, but its definetly not anywhere near my focus, and yet, stresses me so much. I need only survive.. Can I be honest? I don't plan on living off of this. I think law is very interesting.. but.. well. I just need to advance my business while I survive school, and hopefully by the end of this I will have enough business to thrive with and entertain myself in someone's kitchen.

Wish me luck on my Japanese journey.

I try to tell you what I think and play it off like its a joke,,

~~~~

Hey Guys its me again i was so serious about being here more often thats great right

Ok well I just had one of my really big tics on the great wide Outside. Um. I hope nobody saw me. I think nobody saw me. A few seconds later some girls from my class started walking by but yeah they totally didn't see that I think.

Anyway as I like to be Im outside in the lunchy tables typin away on my puter, unfortunately there is a lot of skitos.. but there is skitos everywhere all the time, forever. Such is the curse of the desert eternally.

Ive been stuck in a loopness of stressness, so Im using weird words as a small relxament.. my body aches a lot. I had to skip a class because of how unwell I felt. Physically because it seems my body is battling an attempt at being sick (as tells me my mom from pain and swelling in some gland or node thingy around my jaw), and the stress piling, especially from something that happened very suddenly yesterday, Sunday.,.. plus I had a very light breakfast from all I had to do (funnily.. I made the wrong math exercise as homework so I only wasted my time..) And too I seemed on the verge of a bit of a mental breakdown. Nobody asked or anything when I left that hour of class, at least. I got to eat a convenience store pizza.

Anyway, this Saturday, I went to an event. Theres plenty of events of that sort in my town. Sort of geeky stuff where local artists sell pins, keychains, prints, etc., there's Super Smash Bros tourneys, cosplay shows and contests... boy im tired,,

I went as the Hornet cosplay!!!! My favorite part was the needle, it was AMAZING,,, the handle ended up feeling a bit weird (after hours of holding the needle, I didnt use the wrapping i brought for it a lot to not interrupt pictures in case they wanted it as cool and accurate as possible).. I didnt win any big epic prize, and I messed up a bit on the stage by moving too quickly, but its ok!! i did realize i love cosplaying and being on stage tho!!! i feel like a bit of a celebrity.. im def gonna try my bestest to keep cosplaying whenever possible

I have not been feeling very well todayyyyy and still now at home im not at my best................sigh....... headache.. ill be okay..

hayoo everymeep ::3 yeah yeah huge big hiatus ik ik you can expect that from me alwayz..

Well you read the title im AT COLLEGE!! UNIVERSITY! Dont know the word, actually, because epic spanish. I am studying... guess.. LAW!!! *yawn* well, thats not super exciting sounding, is it? It is a bit cool, because I am still on afternoon schedule just like in highschool (in which i studied programming), which, is a great schedule. If you dont care about having extracurriculars or going to events, because if its not on a Saturday, its smack in the middle of class hours on a weekday. Also the cafeteria closes at 4, while my classes start at 3... So. Ahahahahhahahhaahahahhahahahaha - not that I was looking forward to wasting money at school, mind you..

Currently, I just got out of class, and I'm waiting for my dad to pick me up - If I can get back into the habit (AND HAVE THE FREE TIME OH MY GOD-!!!!) I could sneak a few short entries while i wait for certain classes or to be picked up. Right now, I dont have a lot of time, and if I pause this entry mid-write, I'll never finish it like the thousand others, so whenever I write, I will publish when I lose the time to keep writing, even if I leave a few thoughts un-ended. Better than nothing - now just believe that i will stick to my word. I cant wait to talk to you guys about my halloween-this-saturday-event cosplay though, but thats def for another time. I would love to say "when I get home-" but I have a tremendous essay to handwrite HAHAHHAAA.

Studying Law is cool-ish. I actually kinda wanna write some laws for stuff like Wings of Fire or Hollow Knight, now, and I love reading about law around the world and ancient civilizations like egyptian and mesoamerican.. I love me some ancient culture gawh damn!

I love writing and typing gehehhhh..

It is full of heavy work, and it will only get heavier. Though at least I get along well with the teachers - they all seem to like me a lot and say I'm smart, so that's always always good.

Also, right now, I have a pet caterpillar!!

I got her recently, my dad caught her walking on the sidewalk at work, and he brought her to me, possibly as apology for throwing away on accident a pillbug I had collected a while ago at that time, which i got a bit upset by.

I've identified her, i think, as a white-lined sphinx, and she's huge!!! I'm a bit worried I haven't been feeding her perfectly, though I have had her for some good days now and she has eaten voraciously, and I've cleaned her enclosure twice a day, and allowed her to walk around on my (previously cleaned and disinfected) hands. Since a day or two now, she has suddenly been reluctant to eat and seems lethargic, and she worries me. When I thought she was dead, she got up and walked, but i have an odd feeling. Please readers do pray with me for her health - maybe she is about to pupate.. i hold out to hope thats why. I scarcely remember the last time I raised a caterpillar to moth.

I dont super wanna get into some new topic since by now (8 o clockk!) my dad should arrive any moment now, but,, hmm.

Well, I have been playing Silksong. And my cosplay will be HORNET!!!! I have dreamed of cosplaying for quite too long. I think my only successful cosplay-costume-attempt was a Grimm one (also from Hollow Knight), using a coat as a cape and my mom's skills at Makeupstry to have something similar to his mask. Everything else, from the obscure AU sans that got mistook for Pennywise (????) to the cursed plague doctor delivery guy bs (????) has been a horrid failyure!!!!! OH I GOT TO GO ILL TELL YOU LATER ABOUT IT!!

SO I WENT TO A SSBU TOURNEY!

I've been very busy -- my words have been spent with The Guy™ and on my comfort fanfic, so I haven't written here, but I have certainly not forgotten about Dreamwidth!

I've been playing a lot of SSBU (Super Smash Bros Ultimate) and HONESTLY im not even doing badly at all! Of course I'm still new to it and theres a bunch of characters I havent played against and a bunch of things I dont do - plus, I only ever use Jigglypuff, which, with my restrictions in moveset and stuff, probably gets old real quick - nevertheless I'm pretty happy with what I've been dishing out despite all that and that everybody around me knows way way way more about it than I do.

Of course, I didn't win!!! Not a single win!!! Well, technically, I won one fight out of the 5 fights I had (its basically like, when youre up against someone, you fight them pretty much 3 rounds so to speak - whoever wins 2 of the 3 is the winner. Simple -- so I fought the first guy and lost 2-1 (I WON ONCE! And the second one was honestly really really close so there was a chance i couldve actually won my first.. bracket? -- the second guy i fought was in the losers thing and he did smear me on the pavement with a 2-0)

I'm happy with my performance there, though. Like, I cant say im SATISFIED. Losses aside, saying im satisfied makes me feel a bit mediocre. Even if I had won agaisnt someone or against everybody there I dont think I'd be satisfied. There's always something bigger .. always a way to get better.. yknow? Like, SSBU isnt a place to speak about it, im a newbie, etc etc - but lets say art. I cant lie to you im pretty darn good at art. But it can always be better.

ANYWAY - I was doing super well. For my first tournament and all. I was defending myself against these guys even though most of these fights were up against characters I had never seen in my whole life. I didn't lose, yeah, but I went down fighting man i went down fighting! !!!!! And i did win one, technically .. can I really count it? I wouldnt super count it, but the fight that followed that "win" was super fun like for real super fun I wish I had told them to record it because it was amazing haha that wouldve been such a delicious win.

I bought myself a Jigglypuff figure, because I love Jiggly, and because well, my first tournament and all I used was this little guy. I love him so much. You can probably tell because my icon has permanently turned into Jigglypuff. And yes I use the nurse hat Jiggly did I mention that? Lovely creature.. Lovely creature.. perfect creature.. I need an archive of every single one of Jigglypuff's animations because its so perfect. And I might've never known this.. sob.

I want to be the best Jigglypuff - big dreams, I know. At least the best Jigglypuff in this city .. surely that's not too big a dream? Yet it feels like it.

Anyway, i had lots lots lots of fun in there and I think it genuinely is just spurring me on to want to play even more. Which is SURPRISING! Because genuinely i was on the verge of bailing out of it. If The Guy™ hadn't paid my entry and gotten my name written down on the list before I had even arrived I think I would've actually walked out, i was TERRIFIED!!! And on that first match i was shaking like oh goddd i was shaking real bad terribly nervous. N I STILL PLAYED IT GOOD THO

On other news? Spring break has arrived! I'm doing well in school and now I get two weeks off. To suffer, because I have way too much fun at school, but I guess I can hone my art and writing or something of the like, and play more of that amazing Watcher DLC.

Im really tired..

Oh, oh, business is boomin'. I got commissioned ! Commissions are open by the way, if anyone's interested, ehehe

I've been writing a looooot, just random stuff. Anyway, im really really tired so I'll cut this short for tonight, byebye!

I have been playing SSBU, which is "Super Smash Bros. Ultimate", and i am really liking it!!

I am usually really bad at games, especially if they are fighting games or fast paced.. Add to that that I am easily visually overwhelmed and lose track of where I am if its just too "graphically good" (it tends to happen to me on Phighting! and Roblox games with too much lighting and bloom effect - also when I watch some other people play some other games that are just too detailed for me to process) and I tend to panic and spam and im not very confident.

But for some reason, I think I am not doing too badly.

I wouldnt have tried.. but The Guy plays it pretty much all the time, and he yaps about it to me, and can you see someone so passionate about something and not want to join in? Well I cant!! Its contagious! And I love that passion he got for stuff that he has. Also I think he's pretty good.

I have now gotten just a teensy bit obsessed with it. Totally not redefining my identity around Jigglypuff.

I havent been writing much .. surprisingly, I do keep opening up Dreamwidth, typing on the entry.. and then ????

I have been busy, too. Apparently, im like, over-active? I am always doing things, because I am in a perpetual boredom .. Apparently, some people get bored and do nothing about it? I think it would kill me.

I made some REALLY good spaghetti earlier.

I kinda wish it was easier/quicker to paste images here..

My programming projects I'll admit I've kinda abandoned - not completely! I just have been enthralled in other things - there is always something for me to do.

School is fine. Not much to say - its really whatever. Is this a safe space ? (its my own journal... should be) I really dont like being in the Programming Club! I've mostly given up on the grants, i'll admit, so i really dont need it so badly in my "curriculum" so to speak - thats pretty much why we founded the club and why we, specifically, are leaders of it.

Why dont I like it, if I like programming?

Well firstly my time is just better employed elsewhere ("Flippy!! You spend all day rotting in your bed." ok i dont care! thats still better? Like.. well at least i get a bit of sun exposure on my way to the computer center on those saturdays.. okay.. whatever) Secondly I.. am not a huge fan of my friend. Sometimes people just dont kinda mix .. he's not bad, or anything, I think (i kinda have to convince myself that everyone is normal because my brain is very very polarizing) We are like situationfriends .. he helped me survive school kinda when my brain was just waging war against me for no reason for like a whole year, and despite knowing my struggles hes just kinda rude about them to me and just cant skip a chance to make it obvious that im kinda worthless. Which.. fair, i wouldnt want to deal with me, either. Also he screwed over our whole team last semester on a programming class because he didnt do his part when all of us - EVEN ME, SUPPOSED MONARCH OF LAZINESS - ALL OF US did our part. Urgh.. He gives me the jarring vibes that make my brain hiss and screech. I think we never quite mixed and im only getting well enough mentally to dettach myself .. or he's growing into that category of person that I cant stand.

Also two of the other members - the ones we're supposedly teaching to be the future leaders once we're gone from this school - they give me that really jarring weird vibe and i immediately hate them. He seems to adore and idolize them "oh theyre sweet, i like them, theyre smart, theyre interested..". I see uncaring worms who cannot bother to tell you on advance that they'll be late, or they wont go, and they act all nice and fun but i see it they dont care.

The presence of these 3 individuals, in a room with me? It keeps me constantly on edge. I am already gathering a reputation of being a weirdo of some sort, i think .. this programming club really does not help with keeping my behavior normal.

I dont care about competitive programming or C++ or anything we're seeing and I think it is a waste of time. I am somewhat excited about the project idea and webdev stuff.. I wonder why .. (I came up with it)

Urgh.. sorry for that rambling. Hadto get it outttt....

So.. anyway.

Super Smash Bros Ultimate!

I think its eliminating my supposed depression so WOOO! I wanna be the best Jiggly. At least of my city. Thats already hard considering my direct competition is .. The Guy™... And he's also my teacher for that stuff. But oh well .. all's fair in love and war eh?

Game related .. Rain World's Watcher DLC is out! The Guy™ bought it, and you know? As soon as it was released, it allowed playing Jolly Co-Op in the Watcher campaign and it was running well! Apparently this was a mistake, I suppose, because a few hours later they patched it out... but it was fun while it lasted. We havent gotten very far at all yet - no spoilers!!!!!!

Also! My tamagotchi got new batteries and has, thus, revived. I intended on keeping a tama log on Tamatalk, but im not sure if I have the discipline to keep it going. Well, we'll see.

My parents seem .. a lot more chill about me drawing now. I mustnt break the little trust i have gathered.

And my birthday is coming soon, May 3! Yayzers!!

Oh! Oh! i got Porting Kit and ported one of my favorite games ever into my macbook - Warrior Cats Untold Tales - sadly i think i read somewhere that the WC:UT forums got taken down.. i hate when sites just.. take forums down.. ugh! I never quite used them, though I am familiar with proboards - I do remember they took down the forums i used to roleplay on, on the FANDOM wikis, before they were a hellhole. Sigh..

Anyway, despite how old it is and how little there is to do (and how ive completed everything like a hundredthousand times) I love it - im far more excited to play it than its much more polished sequels in Cattails and Wildwood Story (still love them, tho) perhaps its the nostalgia.

Speaking of, i remember Vinestar and Vineclan! There was a challenge - OH GOD NO, THE FORUMS ARE GONE SO THE CHALLENGE IS GONE? Well ill check later since its late right now - but - um! There was a challenge thing where you had to make your own clan as a rogue and basically live your life being the leader or w/e - you can control cats' names wherever to change their ages, but in the challenge you had to like, individually train them for a certain time, keep track of each day, write down what you did, make your own sacred spot in the map like the Moonstone and visit it certain days and roll a random number to pick what StarClan tells you to do - its really fun!! I might do this challenge if I can/have the time/find the post or soemthing.. Maybe I could put the logs here or something!!!

Well that was my yapping tonight. Its 1 AM! My sister and I ate an entire box of pizza. We regret nothing. Byebye!

Oh, and additions to the plushie hoard: Bonsly, Snivy, Caterpie, Scolipede .. Am i missing anything? I will soon lose count of all the gifts. I wish Larvesta was more popular so i could have one.. my babyyyy!! Oh how i wish this world was the pokemon world.. I wish it so bad, i might have to write.

ok BYEBYE FOR REAL!