Christian Birth Mothers' Community

A lot has happened since 2007.

It didn't take long after I signed away my rights and gave my daughter up for adoption, that a lot of what I was promised was a facade and wasn't going to happen.

I was driving myself mad with depression after countless times feeling like I was being held at arm's length from my daughter. Strangers were allowed to hug and kiss her; I was told I couldn't even hold her. At one point I was told that the terms of agreement for visits changed and I couldn't do anything about it. They were making it hell to see her.

After some time I had to get away. I had to remove myself from the picture completely. Get away from the people that knew the situation and from that family; I couldn't take it being asked from well-meaning people how things were going as if I was able to be a part of her life like I was promised.

Things never turned out the way I imagined. The more years that passed, the more surprises I got.

First I was told that to protect her they wouldn't be posting her picture on the internet. They claimed there are too many creepers out there, and I knew that what they meant by that was me. They didn't want me to be able to have any connection with her period.

But out of nowhere it seemed, in 2016, I began to find out when I would look her up about once. a year, that she was being plastered all over the internet. She was now being prostituted all over as a child model. It was insanity how they went from being so "protective" to flaunting her around in skimpy clothing and dressing her up, making her up to look like she was a lot older than what she really is.

As her true mother, her birthmother, it ached my heart so badly every time I looked her up over the past 4 years. Each time it seemed to get more and more out of hand. Sure she wasn't exactly being abused from the look of it, and of course everyone has only great things to say about her being in the modeling business, but was she really happy? Is she really happy? Is she really not being taken advantage of and put in risky situations that a real parent would never do to their child?

These are things that haunt me. Part of me wants to never look her up again, because I'm so afraid of what I'll see the next time. The other part of me aches to think of never looking her up and feels like I owe it to her to check on her from a world away.

But what disgusts me the most is the one and only promise I asked the parents adopting her to keep. It was a small thing to ask, I thought: raise her in the Lord. I just wanted her to be raised as a God-honoring Christian. I'm not seeing that. Not in the slightest. There's no honoring of God in flaunting one's body on a catwalk in tight revealing clothing or barely any clothing at all.

As if that wasn't the worst of it, I found the most disgusting thing ever. Her adoptive mom who has been her "agent" all this time has been running her social media accounts. Ever since she hopped off Facebook and started posting on Instagram she used the platform for trying to solicit the young girl who only turned 13 last year. All I had to do was look up posts she was tagged in and found where the adoptive mom was posing as the girl and commenting on adult swimsuit models' photos and adult lingerie photos that were absolutely inappropriate. What a sick "mom" she is! As if she really cares about her well-being. That woman is a coniving and ungodly woman.

I hope against hope that when my precious daughter gets to the age where these things are very real possibilities, that she will choose the right path. I hope that she won't go down a path that gets her hurt. I fear that she already has been on that path.

-- A PRAYER --

Dear Lord, You are the Creator and Protector;;
You watch over us with great care,
and You alone can turn the heart of man.
Please keep my daughter safe,
Bring her closer to You,
and help her to be wise and discerning.
May all the days ahead be filled with Your grace upon her,
Comfort for me, and a reassurance that You are in control -
All that is to come to pass is for our greater good and
Your greatest Glory -
All man's plans are but folly compared to Yours.
Help me to continue to pray for my daughter,
to trust in Your unfailing love,
and hope in Your prevailing glory.

i just re-read this part of my first entry here,
"There are several things I learned over last night and today about my destiny: 
1) As this baby's birth mother, I will always be significant, and as a more faithful mother than the adopting, I can and will be my daughter's spiritual guide and teach her the ways of the Lord and all His glory.
2) As a Christian birth-mother who is about to sign her baby girl away to a family that has never been able to get a girl of their own, I can and will be the salt of the earth and the light that will bring hope to other women.
3) God has better plans for me than to struggle financially, emotionally, and physically with caring for the baby girl; God wants me to be a part of a bigger picture, and my whole life will be changed for goodness and strength in faith."

and i realized i should update on these things I've learned about adoption.

because about a week ago God showed me exactly why it was right that I give Celestia up for adoption. it isn't so much because of money, or her being a blessing to another family, or anything like that! it's because i'm not ready to be a mother!!! God made Man and Wife for a reason; because He wanted parents to be equipped and ready to take on the challenges of raising a child! I barely was equipped and ready to take on the challenges of living by my self and on my own (in fact, i'm hardly standing straight up on my two feet right now). So that is the answer. and i felt obliged to say that because a lot of people frown on me for giving up my daughter and at the time i didn't know how to put it because i didn't actually see and experience anything yet that would re-enforce this knowledge. but i saw clearly that if i couldn't handle things without her, then how could i with her?!? i would probably have ended up blaming her for things or using her father as an excuse, etc.! and that would be so shameful and horrid, so I am glad that is not what happened!!!

now, my edit to what i had written before:
1) As birth-mother, hand-in-hand with adopting-mother, we can nurture Amelia into a strong believer in God.
2) As a Christian birth-mother who is has signed her baby girl away to a family that has never been able to get a girl of their own, I can and will be the salt of the earth and the light that will bring hope to other women as I journey this road and watch from a distance as she grows up in a household that I never would've been able to provide for her.
3) God has better plans for me than to struggle financially, emotionally, and physically with caring for the baby girl; God wants me to be a part of a bigger picture, and my whole life will be changed for goodness and strength in faith.

the first thing had to be changed dramatically because it looked as though the adopting-mother wasn't very faithful to our God. but we've seen that she's not so, and i just had to give her more credibility as Amelia's mom, because she will be parenting her and not myself.

the third is the same because i'm still journeying down this path God has given me; sure i stumble now and then, and i'm quite bewildered by some of the things that i encounter (add me as a friend on my personal journal to find out more) ...so we will never get a clear-cut answer as to what the bigger picture is, because i'm pretty much living out each brush stroke!!! i think it's amazing how God paints beautiful things in our lives starting from the empty canvas...

well, i hope that this update was muchly appreciated and valued ^-^

I haven't updated in a while...but all is well, and i'm happy to see another member. even one, it makes me glad.

Christmas is coming and it'll be my Celestia's first Christmas; she'll be almost 7 months old (she's 6 months as of the 4th). Her adopting parents recently dedicated her to our Lord, Jesus Christ, and to raise her in faith of our God - that was December 2nd; on her 12th birthday is the unveiling of a special document given to her by the church. i wonder when it will be revealed to her that I am her mother that gave birth to her, and that Alex is the father that helped make her...but no sense on dwelling on how she'll react and how we'll react...all in God's timing.

I'm excited to spend time with them at Amelia's first birthday (if i haven't already said, Celestia was adopted and named Amelia). Because the family collects Disney pins, I had gotten her a Piglet pin (one of those Cuties..) i'm trying to find a picture of it online so i can show everyone T_T

(edit: just added!)
O look, i found the pic of the pin here:


...anyways, i just hope that they haven't already gotten her such a thing as this pin because i know they've gone to Disneyland with her already, but i was working or something and didn't go with them.

i also want to do a watercolor painting of Amelia's name like they do at Disneyland, but it'll be my own artwork and everything i imagine for her. i need to buy watercolor paper. probably a frame too. i'd like to collage a frame for her pin but maybe they did get her pin(s) and so she'll already have a board to put them on.

oh and they say she is starting to talk! as of last week, Thursday to be exact, she either said "hi" or "up" as her first words. but she won't repeat! ^_^ so cute, and i can't wait to hear more about the adventures with Ami. (Ami is her nickname i give because "Amelia" is a little complex for me to say without making it sound like "Ame-li-a").

here's a picture of Ami at her dedication:

the spot on her face is really just a spot on my phone, and i had to take picture of pic cuz i don't have utilities to transfer pics off my phone :'(

well...she's grown a lot. they say she'll be the size Alex was when they adopted him at 8mo.! i think it's exciting because she's finally taking on some of her father's genes ^_^ and though it's hard for me to think past that about Alex, i suppose it's best. he seems to be coping with this all well... we don't talk still, but it doesn't bother either of us i think (at least it doesn't bother me >_>) .

yet God is still dealing with me because i'm not being as obedient as I should or could be...

i hope that this update blesses whoever reads this <3

Welcome to the Christian Birth-Mothers' Community! Whether you are Christian or not, I hope this community will bring you hope and peace in heart and mind on a very important decision you may be about to make (or have made) regarding the dear one inside your womb.

Just so you know a little about the maintainer of this community, I am 20 years old as of this day (21 in October!), and am a renewed Christian in the state of California. Everyday I want to grow closer to God, because the truth is that I need Him more than anyone or anything else!!! My past was not a pretty one, and the father of my baby girl (due in July) had left me almost two months ago. I wouldn't know what to do or where to turn if I had no faith in God, but lucky for me I have changed so much over the past 5 months and even from the time that I first stepped into the home of the family that is adopting my girl. 

In short, I was having a very difficult time with knowing what was right for my baby. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified, overwhelmed and in despair and confusion. I knew that my boyfriend at the time would not be able to help me very much, as he is a full-time student in college and so on. We didn't tell his parents until almost 2 weeks went by. When they found out I was pregnant, it was only because I was having morning sickness and was passing out at work. To top it off, my boyfriend and I were scared to tell his parents that he is the father, so we deceived many people telling them it was someone else from school. I regretted that lie every day, and even moreso when they would say the name of the other guy. Despite how agonizing it was for me, I went through with the huge lie that tore me apart for months, and my boyfriend grew more and more distant it seems.

Sometime in February I began to realize that what was happening was not meant to be. In other words, I was not supposed to be with the father of my baby - even though I believed it with all my heart for the first 8 to 9 months we were together. Just before Valentine's day I decided that we needed to break up. I didn't feel right with him. The thing is, nothing went the way I had planned. He treated me like "less than" on Valentine's day when I went to see him, and later that week I ended up breaking to the point of telling his mom the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It took my boyfriend by surprize, but he knew it'd come sooner or later, and he confessed to his dad and I later found out that our relationship was dwindling in midair for months because he stopped caring about me. That was the end of our togetherness, and it was devastating news to me that I had been lied to and used for a month and maybe more.

Despite the breakup, it was thought that the only thing I could do was give my baby up for private adoption to his parents because I wouldn't have the finances or the capability to physically and mentally manage the baby on my own. I had made that decision in November when I first told them I'm pregnant, but that decision remained the same even into February. At that time, I was nowhere near to God as I am today, and then in March I began to see things clearer.

I was in the car with my ex-bf and his mom and younger brother, and they were listening to some comedy station on the radio. It was crude humor and disgusting to me. I felt like the enemy was attacking me, that I'd soon go insane from hearing the ungodly words and subjects coming from the radio. I thought something was terribly wrong because I knew that at one point I could manage listening to it, but now I was to the point where I couldn't bare it for even a moment. I immediately thought that God was trying to tell me something important about the future of my baby. I thought that God didn't want me to give my baby to an ungodly family - despite church attendance and so forth - that my baby would only be raised in an ungodly environment which I knew was against my heart's desire.

I had made this whole chart about this battle over who gets the baby: me or them? I prayed about it, saying that if God wants them to keep the baby then He'd change them so I knew my baby would be raised in His name and the sinful world wouldn't destroy my baby. I prayed that if God wanted me to keep the baby, then I'd be blessed with the right job and ability to take care of the baby on my own. Weeks went by with no success on either end of my prayers... the most I got was 80 hours of work for the past two weeks and a sense of achievement on that part. But I knew it wasn't enough to answer my prayers. 

I ended up talking to both the parents about how I felt and both said the same thing about me not being able to change circumstances and that they still believe they should take the baby. I was never content with their words.

This past Sunday, however, God showed me what it really meant to have faith in Him. I realized I had to surrender EVERYTHING to God before He would work in my life the way that I wished. That meant giving up the baby and everything else. And despite how unwilling I felt before, I realized it was now or never, and soon after God showed me what my real destiny is.

It wasn't about me going the next level and raising a baby on my own for His name's sake. It wasn't so much that I'd be the catalyst for the family and the baby and show them what a powerful person I am. 

There are several things I learned over last night and today about my destiny: 
1) As this baby's birth mother, I will always be significant, and as a more faithful mother than the adopting, I can and will be my daughter's spiritual guide and teach her the ways of the Lord and all His glory.
2) As a Christian birth-mother who is about to sign her baby girl away to a family that has never been able to get a girl of their own, I can and will be the salt of the earth and the light that will bring hope to other women.
3) God has better plans for me than to struggle financially, emotionally, and physically with caring for the baby girl; God wants me to be a part of a bigger picture, and my whole life will be changed for goodness and strength in faith.

Alas, that is my story so far. I hope that I will see more posts here in the future, and I encourage you to share your story or feelings/thoughts on the matter of giving up for adoption.