How Do You Do It, Make Me Feel Like I do?

I am...



How are you doing world?

"Behold! The Night Mare"

I've faced the fathoms in your deep
Withstood the suitors quiet siege
Pulled down the heavens just to please you
Appease you
The wind blows and I know

I can't go on, digging roses from you grave
To linger on, beyond the beyond
Where the willows weep
And whirlpools sleep, you'll find me
The coarse tide reflects sky

And the night mare rides on, and the night mare rides on
With a december black psalm
And the night mare rides on
What i fear is lost here
The wind blows and I know

All you have to do is run away
And steal yourself from me
Become a mystery to gaze into
You're so cruel in all you do
But still I believe, I believe in you

So may you come with your own knives
You'll never take me alive
With all the force of what is true
Is there nothing I can do?

I can't go on, digging roses from you grave
To linger on, beyond the beyond
Where the willows weep
And whirlpools sleep, you'll find me

And the night mare rides on, and the night mare rides on
With a december black psalm
And the night mare rides on

I've faced the fathoms in your deep
Withstood the suitors quiet siege
Pulled down the heavens just to please you
To hold the flower I can't keep

I went to the office today of the new place to put in some paperwork. Back in Davis and I'm excited. We have to meet one more time with the roommates and office people together to get some things signed before I can get the final word. The place I've been living in just aint cuttin' it. And to boot I had that ghetto ass shit happen to me the other that I saw as a sign that said, "get the fuck out." It may just be the self-fulfilling prophecy at work, but it feels like a hotel and I do treat it like one. I pretty much plan my day so I don't go home until I absolutely have to and just get to bed.

The new place is a lot more welcoming. I have a HUGE room and a double-sized closet, private bathroom and even a private balcony (perfect if I smoked, but don't). Dope place though and I can cook here and have common areas available. Work is like 10 minutes away as well. I met one roommate who is a UCD student. The other is still on break. Taking over the D beginning January 1, 2008.

To help fill time and generally better myself, I joined a health club in Davis and am paying $50/month so it motivates me to go regularly. I've gone every weekday since I joined. I plan to do that and get my money's worth and just take off the weekends for rest and whatever else since I'm in the bay anyway.

Plans for New Year's folks? I'm in Davis working the day before, but got the 1st off so I might head back to DC. Christmas I'm taking some days off from work too so I'll be around for 5 days straight and then I'll come back after 2 work days in Davis so I'll be around. Hit me up. See ya soon.

It always makes me think of things whenever there's a rain after a long drought. I really like it when it does rain. It sucks for outdoor things like softball and golf, but I think it's beautiful. It's inspiring. It's thought provoking. It's a sign for the changing of seasons and this year, symbolic of so much more-- Fresh starts and revitalization. New journeys and taking on new tasks. Decisions and results. Where, when and who's going. Tons of stuff and room for nothing else to do, but embrace it.

New things, new ways, new thoughts, are a comin'.

So I moved into the new place this week. Well I moved my stuff this weekend, but didn't sleep there until last night because I just built my bed. It doesn't quite feel like home. More like a hotel room. The guy was kinda weird about stuff. Like he made it explicitly clear that I was only renting the room and the private bathroom. There aren't really any common areas. The kitchen can be used, but for only "very light cooking," and shit like that. At least he gave me my own mini fridge and microwave in the room...kinda weird I think. I'm not sure how long we'll be staying here. I think I thought I saw something else that was, but really wasn't.

Oh well...the room itself is nice and the house is new and in a nice neighborhood in Elk Grove. If you're not familiar, it's about 15 minutes south of Sacramento I believe. Some positives:
-The room is a decent size with a big window (I like)
-I get electric, gas and water paid as well as free laundry for $395/month.
-It's a month-to-month so there's nothing I'm trapped in.
-It's a hell of a lot closer to work than Stockton.
-It got me some space for some clear thinking and recovery time
- It's near a Cheese Steak Shop (like the one on Divisadero)
- It's not Stockton

The big thing is just not feeling at home. It's really quiet most of the time and people are either in their rooms or not home at all. I haven't even met my other housemate. I'm living with the owner and another lady/girl (don't even know what/how old she is). I guess I'm just a little bothered by the new surroundings that aren't as welcoming as what I've been used to for the past 3 years.

I'll be in the Bay tonight to see about getting a TV with me Ma if anyone reads this and wants to kick it before I head home, give me a call. I'm leaving after work around 4:00pm today. Hope all is well. Have a good one people.

BTW I'm feeling a little better now than when I first had this on loop for 5 days straight...

"Falling Away With You"

i can't remember when it was good
moments of happiness elude
maybe i just misunderstood

all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories i will never find

so i'll love whatever you become
and forget the reckless things we've done
i think our lives have just begun
i think our lives have just begun

and i feel my world crumbling
I feel my life crumbling
i feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away
falling away with you

staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you're breathing in
i know i won't forget a thing

promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same

all of the love we threw away
all of the hopes we cherished fade
making the same mistakes again
making the same mistakes again

i can feel my world crumbling
i can feel my life crumbling
i can feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away
falling away with you

all of the love we've left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories i will never find
memories i will never find

Hey folks.  Much oblige to the folks for all the support. I'm delighted to see the world has moved on, but not forgotten.  It's way too short of an existence to feel frustrated or saddened at shit that can't be controlled.  All the talks and texts have assisted me with that.  Though still hurting inside like someone's jackhammering in there, I'm coming to terms with things.  It's painful, but I'm coming to terms with everything.  It's been quite some time since I took some good time to ponder.  And believe that shit, it's all I've been doing for quite the proverbial minute.

I appreciate the commodties my folks (I can still call them that) truly are.  I know all about differences amongst people and different strokes for different folks, but in the end we get along and that's a great thing.  We've all been intertwined somehow and if you're reading this post and I'm glad you're taking the time. I'm humbled by your interest.

It's sort of funny that it takes some catastrophic event (relatively speaking, in reality my gripes aren't shit compared to things going on in the world) to see things from another perspective.  In reflection, there were so many things I would've done differently and roads I would've followed.  But since time travel isn't one of the options, I'll reap what I've sown.  In actuality I've grown quite a bit in the past few years and have a deep appreciation for those that helped move me along (I swear that won't go unnoticed when I'm giving my thank you speech at the ceremony that honors me for saving the world).  I don't regret things that I've done, so much as things that could've been done and this applies to a bunch of shit.  Simply put, I would go back and do some things differently, and hope the results would be as great and more.

Don't know how long the high spirits will last, but I hope it'll be around long enough to get me through. 

The more I think about things, the more I realize things that should've been.  Certain things to be addressed that weren't.  Certain things that should've changed, but remained the same.  Certain contacts that should've been made more often.  These are regrets I have.  If you know the genuity of these words, then you know I would go back and do some things differently, do some things better.

I thank you wonderful beings for the good times, the support, the trouble, the encouragement, the memories, the mistakes we've made and will make, the smiles, the convos and other hundreds of aspects you've influenced that will make me the individual that will change the course of thousands of lives, the future.

 All for now, I'll rant to you again, more like in person or on the phone since LJ seems to get neglected.

Had some thoughts to get out the system, still a work in progress. It is now 3:24am folks, turn back your clocks...


Through the tunnel there's a light that seems to be within reach's grasp,
And adjustments made like sacrifices, ridding vices, and renovations still in progress,
Impede reaching that light.  It feels closer, but someone shut that light out.
Brief wandering and deep pondering proceeded by re-ignition of my light.
But the bright has dimmed, I can still see, but it shines so little tonight.
Again those processes, movements, improvements, that who spent,
So much time and investment to get it, encounter disappointment.
No appointments at this point.  
Not quite ready to relinquish, but again my light extinguished.

 

and I'm in the Hutchinson lab posting to LJ. Human sexuality midterm, you may have gotten the better of me this time...but we'll see.  I'm beginning to soak most of it in. Married couples and sexual prevalence, tantric experiences, birth, "the clap", childhood masturbation, scabies...there's like a 564,354-hundred topics for this exam, but for some reason I feel fine.  

Interviewed for a lender today and got invited to training next week. Too bad it was commission only and my supervisor would be some short jerkoff with blonde tips named Tyler who looks like the little guy in Commando who Arnold followed to the mall from the airport, and he also starred in The Warriors as the rival gang leader.  Seriously, the resemblance was uncanny and I immediately thought of him. 

Catch you guys later.  

Just typed some paragraphs...Throw some Ds on that post!