Yetzer-Ra

That was demoralizing. I am doing a no contact on that person. If I don't know the person I do not read the IM, just in case they decide to stalk me. I am going to strengthen my real connections.

What Ramit Sethi says about people who say they're disappointed,

What DH is saying: “I expected you to be different, Ramit! Just another scam. I’m so disappointed in you.”

What’s really going on: OK, let me break this down.

I’ve only been disappointed 2 times in my life.

The first time I was 11. I wanted a Game Boy Color for Christmas and got a coloring book instead.

The second time was with my children. I don’t have any yet, but I can already tell you I’m disappointed with how they’re doing in school.

Listen, you can make a legitimate case that a product isn’t right for you, that the quality isn’t high enough, or that there are better competitors on the market. But why are you “disappointed” in a business?

Would you ever walk into J. Crew, look at a $97 t-shirt, and say, “I’m disappointed in you, J. Crew”? Of course not!

If a non-buyer tells you they’re disappointed, you know they have deeper, underlying emotions they need to resolve. Preferably with professional psychiatric help.

It's true about businesses. It's also true about random assholes who hook up with you, and then send a note saying they're disapppointed because you admitted it wasn't good, after they told you they were done and you went elsewhere. What you mean is that you wish I were different. YOU wish I enjoyed whatever you were putting out and whatever lack of availability you were putting out there. I did not. I do not want crumbs. I want the whole fucking salad with bacon and amazing cheese.

Propaganda. We know what happened. She was executed. It was wrong. The police involved should be held accountable. Stop with the distraction. I know you're a magician, so you're highly skilled in these tactics, but it is a distraction from the real issue at hand right now. The real issue being a large scale swindle of the American Economy. NYT creates these propaganda videos to give you mainstream liberals something to scream about. You fall for it. You post about it and you push your people to pay attention to this, when the actual heist is happening somewhere else right now. What happened is terrible, horrible. Those who did it should be brought to justice, but let's take action in an arena where we can still do so.

"Both the in person and the virtual magician uses the art of misdirection to arrest, direct, captivate, compel, and control the attention of spectators."

I didn't need to tell him he was a fuckboy, but he was. That said, I want to speak to the whole nonsense of him telling me I was just having an "interpretation" when he said he wanted to spend "more and more time with me," that there is utter crazy making behavior. I don't care that the word "crazy" is now off limits in polite society. Crazy-makers are still crazy-makers. They get off on that shit. They indulge in it. I don't need to be with someone like that, unless it's just sex, and that's it. There are other hot men out there that I could engineer for crying out loud. The reason why this hits me so hard is that I feel like I will never have a relationship. I was not misinterpreting our sexual encounter as a relationship or the potential for one, I had an inkling for it, based on his personality, which I liked. There were certain characteristics there that I liked that I could relate with. I am not reading the sex a relationship. I'm not a presumptuous idiot, i was laying myself out there by telling him how I felt. The least he could have done was say, "I'm not actually interested," if he wasn't. He didn't need to make me feel bad for telling him how I felt, which was not based on an interpretation of our encounter, it was based on my seeing his good qualities. If I had a friend who had sex with a guy, and then said he tried to prostyletize them into going to Mass the next day when they claimed to be an atheist, then replied with a brief, "haha" followed by silence and being here today gone tomorrow, and then responded to their revealing that they thought they could develop something and that they might like him, and his take was, "So many interpretations," I would conclude that a) he was not following the conversation, b) he was not intelligent enough to speak to their points, c) he was a nonsense maker, which is essentially the same as a crazymaker. That said, I still feel lonely, but I'm going to avoid contacting that person, b/c I deserve better, way better.

I listened to Gad Saad on the Impact Theory Podcast. He sounds like a complete IDIOT. Not only does he think Foucault was just trying to confuse people with nonsense inorder to get laid -- not only does he not understand the objective of post-modernism and reduces all post-modern theory to a parasitic idea -- not only did he misquote the percentage of Maserati owners who are male(80%), but he is a completely nonsensical lunatic, when it comes to feminism, claiming that it is devoid of reality. As soon as he started talking, claiming that nurture vs nature is a false dichotomy, because we nurture people based on their nature, which is false in every possible way. There are many cultures that are female centric, matriarchal and involve important gods of war who are female. So phooey on his doctrine. I swear his tweets alone against Kamala Harris made me want to vote for her. Good grief. He also started claiming that "proof" for his belief that postmodernists just wanted to get laid by spewing nonsense was that one philosopher once claimed they were trying to confuse people in order to seem smart, which is NOT at all the same thing. I'm insulted as a Math major that he relied on his so-called background as a Mathematician in order to claim this. He is obviously of the Jordan Peterson "Transfriendly" variety, i.e. not friendly toward trans people at all! He said he was a friend of trans people but then said they were devoid of reality. What an ass!

He also seemed to think that women agree with him about post-modern philosophy, b/c his wife who was an HR manager also felt she did not understand discussion of post-modernists in school. I guess that's why he's working at Concordia. UGH.

The reason his claim about nurture vs nature is problematic is b/c it is based on a broad interpretation of behavior as being based on nature. His arguments about differences in gender are highly reductive, i.e. "The only reason why Ariana Grande isn't as strong as a 300 lb linebacker is b/c her parents did not instill in her the notion that she is strong." First of all, differences in strength are down to the individual. There are some women who are stronger than some men and vice versa. Nobody who supports trans rights is saying that there is no need for Testosterone ever. People assigned female at birth have been known to bench press more than men. Some have more testosterone than others, which is not even the point! There are many forms of strength: intellectual, emotional, physical strength.

Oh by the way, even though he says he's an evolutionary psychologist his PhD major is in Marketing, with a minor in Cognitive Studies and Statistics.

I read over some of my previous entries, and I do not think they were bad. They were entertaining, but there was a lot of toxicity, especially when i was working at that one company that was shitty. I like to feel like other people are present when I'm writing, which is why I write hear instead of Evernote, like Andrew Kirby, but sometimes I feel I need the privacy to process my true thoughts. On to "growth journalling" --

Part of me feels bad that I'm never going to be with my former co-worker in a relationship, but he was not nice to me. He was harassing me, and I deserve to be treated well. I'd like to work on self-esteem so that I do not tolerate nonsense like that. Today I got an email from a curmugeonly woman I know in my Coda Step Study group. I felt I did the right thing by blocking her emails. I cannot imagine it would ever be healthy for me to hear from that twat. I'm sorry for reducing to her to vagina, not that there is anything wrong with having one, but that woman is an absolute pest of a human being. I do not feel comfortable being a party to any of her communication, so I know I did the right thing.

For next time, when it was 5pm, and I was excited about going on a walk, I should have. Exercise when the sun is out feels energizing. I sensed that Michelle didn't like that I petted her dog, and I felt bad about doing it later. Like, the dog cannot give consent, and she did not either. I petted the dog because I like the company of dogs. There is no excuse for not asking permission. It only occurred to me later how hypocritical I must be coming off, petting the critter after I said I did not want nonconsentual hugs and all that. Oh well, next time.

I feel gross after that orange marmalade ingestion. I only got the marmalade so that I could carbo load in the thirty minutes before a run on a Saturday. I'm still wondering where the hell my other marmalade is. Right so back to my goals and what the hell I'm doing --

I spoke with a recruiter from FB, and I thought it was interesting that he immediately started to speak for how I need to prepare for interviewing at any Big Five company.

I know that a meeting is bad for me when I start to plan an acting out
endeavor. I'm concerned because I've had daydreams about joining the
circus. This is really genuinely painful. I'm upset. One of the
characteristics of codependents is that we act in a manner that invites
others to reject us. I am so sick and tired of this getting rejected
nonsense. I don't mean that i have control over others and I'm somehow
going to stop them from rejecting me, but I'm going to "act in ways that
encourage loving and healthy responses from others." I would really like
to work the steps, in a way that is honest, and real and does not lead to
shaming.

So today I got paired with a dickarama for my interview on pramp. That was weird. Next time some shit says they're going to leave if I don't let them write test code for Arrays.sort(), I'm going to end the interview, because that's ridiculous. In other news, I want to return some items to Amazon and Apple. Yup, seriously. But totally exhausted.

Going to do at least one problem for FB now.

So I applied to a back-end role at ten-x, was in contact with the recruiters and told them I was interested in a back-end role. I attended the first cameraphone interview as a screening, where they erroneously asked me to code in Javascript and do a front-end programming problem. I went through the whole interview process, and erroneously was met with a lot of front-end engineers, who expected me to prove my chops as a front-end engineer. I told them I was applying to a back-end position. Then after the interview was over, I got an email stating that I'm not a front-end engineer, but instead a platform or back-end engineer, and that they had hired someone else who had more front-end experience, which makes perfect sense since I am a back-end engineer -- except that, I never even intended to apply for a front-end role. It's a bit like applying to be a janitor, and having someone interview me to be a receptionist, and then being told, "It seems your skillset is in being a janitor." Are these people on crack? And by people, I mean the recruiters at ten-x. This isn't the first time they fucked up their hiring process with me. They simply do not know what they're doing. Why would they send a back-end engineer to interview for a front-end role? WTF were they hoping to accomplish? Humiliation? A waste of time?

But then they tried to make it seem like they planned it out so I could be evaluated for any role, but indeed I was not being evaluated for *any* role, since all of my interviews were with front-end people. I was being interviewed for the wrong role, when I had applied for a platform role to begin with. Bizarre.

I haven't figured out how I feel about this table. I had it fixed for shiftiness a few days ago, but I texted the guy who ran the furniture repair place and told him it was still wobbling. He texted me that he was returning my money. Who knows if it will happen? I will check up in a week.

Right now I'm feeling triggered with regard to my twelve step program, b/c there is this person there by the name of Nathan, who is a -- for lack of a more politically correct term -- narcissist, and he constantly describes how he abuses women and other people who cannot benefit him, yet other people in the meeting treat him as if he's a decent character, but he's not. He's an asshole. And not just on the basis, I told you. I've known the guy for nine years, an he hasn't been sober in all that time. He's an asshole. (I think I already said that). What annoys me is that even though he talks constantly about how he does abusive things to women and openly verbally abused me in a meeting, other people do not call him out on it, and just allow the abuse to continue. It's not the kind of recovery I'm looking for in life or anywhere for that matter.

Meanwhile in my *other* program,which is more nascent, b/c people do not participate in the program and don't have a centralized resource for the program, people seem to refuse to take ownership over doing things for the program, even showing up to meetings. So it's annoying. I don't like to feel as if I'm carrying the program. I know I'm not entirely -- and that there are others out there doing the same thing I'm doing. I probably just do not know about these other people and what they'r doing, b/c they aren't socially connected to me. I am so pissed off that we cannot get the word out, b/ c I feel like I really need this twelve step program. I know my recovery should not be hinged on other people and what they're willing to do or not do. I feel I should print up a bunch of flyers for this 12 step program. I feel like we should have a vision of what we want in life. Visions. Et cetera. Why is starting a 12-step program centralized on 12 step so hard? Everyone has ONE thing that they do NOT procrastinate on. Everyone. There is always at least one thing that people are willing to do, which is kind of what Neil Fiore's book is premised on. I don't like feeling isolated socially. So I'm going to start going to CoDA meetings. I hate mentioning programs, b/c I know we are obliged to keep anonymity at the level of press , radio, film and television, but I'm not exactly outing myself to those who don't know my name. It's still not perfectly anonymous to be blogging about it. Plus, I know this program should not be sullied by my personal opinion of the program or my personal way of executing it. No individual is perfect. Nobody works a perfect program, and being perfect isn't the point.

I am so fucking mad at myself already today for letting most the day go by wthout going swimming and getting my exercise done outside the house. Part of why I have not been doing the exercise, is b/c the pool is small, gross and has no lines on it for swmming laps. There are countless children that go swimming in there which makes it gross. I've thought of other possibilities, such as going to Equinox, but I know that's hellah expensive, so I figured for a while I'd just split the difference and go to a cheap gym, well I realized, I get what I paid for so to speak. I hate the smell of those goddamn rosemary towels at Equinox. Who needs that shit? Not me.

Ideally I'd like to join Equinox, but my concern is that it cost approximately 164 USD per month I think...maybe more. It's 185 USD per month. So...yeah. Could someone just pay all my student loans back for me so I wouldn't have to make difficult decisions like this? On the other hand, I was thinking about how I live at an apartment complex with a three-story gym and how can I make use of that? I know, no tears for me. I recognize that my gym is a wonderful thing to have, but on the other hand, I really feel that I need to swim. And that's one of the reasons for my wanting to join Equinox. They have line markings on the bottom of the pool and the pools are absolutely clean.