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gwyn. 7,636 words, The Professionals, Bodie/Doyle, explicit. Doyle and Bodie are undercover as a prep cook and a restaurant critic.

This story popped into my head while listening to "Bob Dylan's 115th Dream" like 2 years ago when I was listening to Bringing It All Back Home after writing my Pros fic of the same name, specifically this verse:

I went into a restaurant looking for the cook
I told him I was the editor of a famous etiquette book
The waitress he was handsome, he wore a powder blue cape
I ordered some Suzette, I said "could you please make that Crepe?"
Just then the whole kitchen exploded from boilin' fat
Food was flyin' everywhere, I left without my hat

So yeah. I wrote almost all of it except the plot. I did not want to write the plot. Finally a friend of mine helped me brainstorm the damn plot and here we are!!

Update, in case you were wondering: Feet of Clay still SLAPS.

"Object Permanence," Discworld – Terry Pratchett, Vetinari/Vimes, ~1100 words, teen and up, UST.

If Commander Vimes were to fall suddenly ill, Vetinari reflected, the whole Watch would take it in shifts to sit by his bedside. Lady Sybil would vigil day and night. Vetinari would have to send the smallest spy on his payroll, just to squeeze into the room.

When Vetinari had been ill, who had come? Only Vimes.

"That’s all right, I’m a bit of a wolf myself", The Professionals, Bodie/Doyle, mature, ~6.5k. Doyle is bitten by a werewolf.

“Something’s happening.” Doyle’s voice on the phone sounds—scared? “I’m not entirely sure what it is but I’ve got a very bad feeling. If, um, you find something hairy in my flat when you get here—don’t kill it unless you really have to, alright?”

See the end-notes for warnings. Unbeta'd.

"Why wait any longer for the world to begin," The Professionals, Bodie/Doyle, explicit, established relationship, PWP, ~9.5k. A sequel (epilogue?) to "Bringing It All Back Home", the flatmates of convenience story. Bodie and Doyle’s rises have come through, finally! There was champagne at movie night to celebrate, so instead of driving home, they put up at the Cock Inn.

(Beta'd by

gwyn! Thank you for being a goddamned delight as always. I am so excited to flail at you about these lads IN PERSON in the not-too-distant future!! ♥

This story exists because back when I wrote the first story, I told

gwyn about Mrs. Grant's house being in Sarratt, home of my favorite picturesque English establishment, the Cock Inn, and she said "Doyle's most used phrase to Bodie!" Let me tell you I have thought of that OFTEN in the intervening days.)

"Take the easy way (you know that you want to)", The Professionals, Bodie/Doyle, explicit (but don't expect it to be a smutty as the last one), ~6.5k. With side Doyle/Claire (Doyle is still with Claire at the beginning of the fic) and references to Doyle/Tommy McKay.

Fair warning, this is unbeta'd. Which really it probably needs one because it's both a bit tacky (content warnings are in the end notes if you want them) and my first attempt at Doyle POV, but I did not have time this week to write it in the first place! Thanks brain! So up it goes. You can point out mistakes if you want. ♥

The third time Ray shifts in the passenger seat, wincing, Bodie smirks and says, “Bike tear your hymen or something?”

“Claire’s still figuring out the strap-on,” Ray says. “You know how it is.” Just to keep Bodie on his toes.

Oh, all right, and to flirt a little.

BODIE AND VECCHIO: We're standing right here, we can hear you bitching about us!

Yes. That is the point.

Figured I'd put this here just in case anybody else has feelings about both these shows…

My Photoshop skills are not really up to making this kind of thing REALLY look good but it is good enough to give me feelings and that is what matters!

A lady has just pointed a gun at them. While doing the usual "cracking jokes in the face of danger" routine Brett immediately just HAPPENS to wander DIRECTLY between her and Danny. Danny immediately happens to wander back out, because not today Satan.

(Click to see it bigger)

I wonder if this scene is what originally inspired my "Brett takes a bullet for Danny" fic?

I love them. But not as much as they love each other, obviously.

from Imgflip Meme Generator

it's not my fault tho LOOK AT THEM

I was really committed to that one-icon life and this one is ridiculous, icons are so tiny on new screens you can hardly see it, but I just could not resist. Y'all. Y'all. Bodie spent all night in his car outside Doyle's apartment because Doyle had a stalker and then in the morning he came in and demanded breakfast and there was like five minutes of how Doyle had no food in the house except a moldy loaf of bread AND THEN IT PANS OVER AND THERE IS THIS GIANT BOWL OF FRUIT SITTING RIGHT THERE:

And it's like. Okay. This was in full view on Doyle's kitchen table like five feet away from them. Clearly both of them saw it and were like "…I'll just pretend I didn't notice because otherwise he'll watch me eat a banana and maybe make a joke and I will be thinking about his dick the entire time and I can't face it this early in the morning!"

I cannot stop laughing. I know you are both sleep-deprived but just tell him how you feel already because this is ABSURD. You are absurd.

(I am also absurd but at least I have accepted my fate, unlike these losers!)

"Unfolding as it should", The Professionals, Bodie/Doyle, ~14.5k, explicit, established relationship, post-canon. Basically, my vision for their happily-ever-after.

Doyle and Bodie are on holiday at the seaside. Doyle is gearing up to ask an important question.

Since Doyle is driving, the map and the accordion folder holding their top-secret holiday plans are in Bodie’s lap. Doyle’s been working on them for weeks. He even recruited Miss Walsh—Bodie snuck up on him last night, and recognized her neat handwriting on a few sheets before Doyle rubber-banded him between the eyes without looking round.

This is for

gwyn, to celebrate us watching every episode! Always a bittersweet moment, but hey, now we can do it all over again, right? It feels almost redundant dedicating a Pros fic to you when all my Pros fic is for you anyway, but whatever, this is for you, I love you, these boys are going to be so happy together.

"Bringing It All Back Home", The Professionals, Bodie/Doyle, mature, 12,619 words.

Bodie and Doyle have a cunning plan to get Cowley to finally put through their pay rises: move in together "to save money" and then bicker about the washing-up until Cowley can't stand it anymore.

Bodie maybe didn't think this all the way through.

It wasn’t like Bodie hadn’t known he secretly thought Doyle was kind of easy on the eyes. But he worked with loads of attractive people. It had never been a big deal. He just went home at the end of the day and wanked about rogering Betty on Cowley’s desk, or giving Doyle a handjob on stakeout, or whatever it was, and that was that.

But now he couldn’t just go home and wank, because Doyle was at home, usually wearing a lot less clothes than he did at work and lounging all over the bloody place like he was on the set of Caesar and sodding Cleopatra—or worse, fixing something under the sink with just his barefoot lower half sticking out, and then shimmying out with a little grease smudge on his gorgeous fucking cheekbone, like every handyman in every porno ever.

gwyn really deserves half the credit (blame?) for this one—we were chatting, and I can't even remember who came up with the concept first, but I do remember it all clicked for me when she said "…and Doyle [REDACTED FOR FIC SPOILERS]." Some of the best jokes are hers, and she also beta'd. See you later, sunshine!

"Tuches oyfn tish", The Persuaders!, Brett/Danny rentboy AU, explicit, 23,695 words. A newly wealthy Danny is in London in 1955 and runs into Brett, who is newly broke.

Brett ducked his head, eyelashes fluttering, and looked through them. “Is there anything you’d like to hire me for?” he asked in a tone Danny could only describe as “suggestive”.

Danny blinked. “Are you offering what I think you’re offering?”

“What do you think I’m offering?” he murmured.

Danny felt like he’d just bolted a whole Creole Scream on an empty stomach. He glanced at the door and leaned forward. “Sex,” he mouthed.

(The title is a Yiddish phrase literally meaning "Ass on the table". Metaphorically, it's an exhortation to get down to business or serious negotiations, or to make your bargaining position clear.)

sdwolfpup beta'd and

gwyn helped spot anachronisms. I love y'all for not even blinking when I told you the wordcount, you are true friends.

"Like boiling a lobster", The Professionals, Bodie/Doyle with side Bodie/Inger and Doyle/Claire (it's an open relationship except they keep insisting it's not a relationship), mature, 2836 words. Beta'd by

gwyneth who is a genius angel. In which Doyle and Bodie are both trying to take things slow.

This fic is basically an excuse for established relationship + mutual pining + processing emotions, and I feel great about it. It's also a bit of an experiment with format—there's no introspection and as little narration as I could figure out how to do—and I am not entirely confident about that aspect but it feels like a good first attempt anyway!

"A Close Shave," The Persuaders!, Brett/Danny. Mature, 5275 words. Danny shaves Brett.

Luckily, they were already standing quite close together. When Pierrot's finger tightened on the trigger, Brett only had to take a very small step to the right to get between the bullet and Danny.

cw: non-graphic violence, hospitals, suicidal thoughts, problem drinking.

sdwolfpup and I have been doing a rewatch, and I remembered I had about half of this in my drafts from a decade ago, and Brett and Danny really love each other, and…the rest is history.

"From sullen earth", Witching Hill (E.W. Hornung), Uvo/Gilly. 1255 words.

It was our first morning up north. I had thought Uvo was glad to come away with me, despite a certain heaviness in his limbs as we left the old Estate; but when I came downstairs that morning and sought him out, my heart turned cold within me, to find him in the bow-window of my father’s library with his hands over his face and his shoulders shaking.

OBVIOUSLY Uvo and Gilly live happily ever after, Hornung goes out of his way to make that very very plain. But since he couldn’t write (or at least, publish) the full denouement in 1913, I wanted to do it for him. (Or was I compelled by his spirit??????....Sorry, that joke would make sense if you'd read Witching Hill, which is about two very nice gay boys arguing over whether all the personal tragedies of their neighbors in a suburban development are caused by the evil influence of a Sir Hugo Baskerville-style ancestor's spirit. One of the things he does is possess the vicar's sister to write a historical romance about him.)

"Glorious Possibilities," Holmes/Watson, Watson/Mary, Holmes/Watson/Mary, ~11k words, explicit. Watson gets a threesome for his birthday, including but not limited to pegging.

I feel like I have been writing and revising this fic for my entire life, although looking back at my journal assures me it has only been...three months. Whatever, in 2020 years that's like, longer than it's been since the original publication of "A Study in Scarlet."

"Picking up the punchlines," The Professionals (1977), Bodie/Doyle. 3472 words, mature. (Lots of cursing, I feel bad for the fan who complained about a single use of "fucking" as an intensifer IN THE NOTES in my last Pros fic!)

Bodie likes Tommy. He does. He just…didn’t realize when he got himself stabbed that he was agreeing to serve as co-guardian-for-nurture to the principal eyewitness.

Happy birthday,

gwyn! I'm so glad I have you in my life. Here is a VERY partial list of important things you've introduced me to over the years (not in chronological order, that sounds like so much work!):

1. Midcentury-modern home decor
2. that X-Files vid to "Tainted Love"
3. The Professionals, obviously
4. how to properly hyphenate compound adjectives (sorry I still struggle with this one, you did your best!!)
5. the Richard Chamberlain Count of Monte Cristo
6. that really good restaurant on Alki beach with the fry bread
7. The history of Crisco as lube
8. Now and Again
9. Julian Rhind-Tutt (I am listening to an audiobook by him right now!)
10. Saint-Germain

Honestly, I don't even know where to start or end with all the things you've shared with me and taught me and showed me and given me and let me talk your ear off about over the years. You have added so much to my understanding of history: fannish history, 20th-century history, publishing history, British history, queer history. Because of you I'm a better scholar, a better writer, a better fan, a better person...and I'd like to think, a better friend, but I guess you'd have to be the judge of that. <3

And...I don't want to bring the mood down, but when I was young and hardly knew anybody I could talk to about grief, you were there for me. I'll always love you for that.

I know the world is a lonely mess right now, but this too shall pass, and one day I'll be sitting on your couch watching vids again! I refuse to admit the alternative. Many happy returns of the day!

Oops I have a new ship! I blame

gwyn.

"Eyeing in Bulk," Bodie/Doyle, The Professionals (1977), 274 words, teen & up. The problem isn't that nine out of ten people Bodie's attracted to are men.

Probably I will write a longer fic one of these days. I have a LOT of feelings about Bodie's endless efforts to convince people that he likes girls and not, you know, Doyle. In the last episode we watched, they stayed in a hotel room together and he let fall that he's "not used to sharing". Oh really? I thought you were getting laid every other minute? (J/K I didn't actually think that. But Bodie sure seems to want me to.) JUST TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL! You will be so much less tense!

I am also currently revising an add-on to my Holmes poly-V longfic in which Watson gets a threesome for his birthday, but I'm not feeling confident about it so it's taking forever. (All the threesomes I've written before were either OT3s or a couple picking up a stranger; writing a threesome where the POV character has a relationship with both the other people but they are not interested in each other BUT ALSO they are friends is just....a lot to track. BUT I SOLDIER ON.)

But let's take a look back at my wishlist for 2020 for a second [flocked, sorry]:

1. I will be fannish about something again, I miss it

AND HOW, JEEZ. But I really did miss it so :DDDDDD

The Sherlock Holmes poly-V longfic from my last post is now fully uploaded and complete! 47,582 words.

Current Mood: accomplished

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I'm just a Pearl in the world

Recent Entries

New fic: "Every Bodie's A Critic," The Professionals, Doyle/Bodie

New fic: "Object Permanence" (Discworld, Vetinari/Vimes)

This fic is my birthday gift to meeeeeee!

New fic: "Why wait any longer for the world to begin" (The Professionals, Bodie/Doyle)

New fic: "Take the easy way (you know that you want to)" (The Professionals, Bodie/Doyle)

"That does sound frustrating, Ray. But at least he was raised to hold the door open for others!"

I'm scared but exhilarated

I made a meme to express my feelings

well crap it's an epidemic

First new icon in years

New fic: "Unfolding as it should" (The Professionals, Bodie/Doyle)

New fic: "Bringing It All Back Home" (The Professionals, Bodie/Doyle)

New fic: "Tuches oyfn tish" (The Persuaders!, Brett/Danny)

New fic: "Like boiling a lobster", The Professionals, Bodie/Doyle

New fic: "A Close Shave", The Persuaders!, Brett/Danny

New fic: "From sullen earth," Witching Hill, Uvo/Gilly

FINALLY THIS GODDAMN FIC IS POSTED

Birthday fic for gwyneth!!!

fic: "Eyeing in Bulk", Pros drabble, Bodie/Doyle

longfic now complete!

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